reunification

Thank you. Eomaia's posts would be able to give a lot of insight to DreamAngel. No one gives birth in hopes of abusing and neglecting their child. Every pregnant woman (even woman choosing adoption for their newborn) has hopes and dreams for this new life. And they love the baby even when they can't care for her. And all of us WANT to be wonderful parents who raise wonderful kids so we can all live happily ever after. The fact is, we all make mistakes. No matter how great you WANT to be, you'll eventually say or do something you regret. I wish I had a dollar for everytime I apologized to my girls for my mistakes as a mom. Sometimes parenting is really hard. If you've NEVER HAD children, you probably find it easy to sit back and judge parents who make mistakes thinking "I would NEVER do that". Never say never. I promised myself I would never make the mistakes my mother made. And I don't. I make all new mistakes. :) If you don't have any parenting skills or you are dealing with mental health issues or drug use, parenting can be overwhelming. And these birthparents don't mean to fly off the handle and hurt their children. Most abuse happens in the heat of the moment. I know there are truly bad parents out there who have tortured their kids-but most abuse happens when the birthparent is just completely overwhelmed and has no outlet for the frustration. With help, MOST birthparents can learn to be better parents. Can you imagine how Eomaia would feel if her children, whom she loved, were removed from her care and placed with someone who did NOT support reunification and wanted to adopt them? It would be terrifying. Foster care is in place to SUPPORT THE BIRTHFAMILY. The job of foster care is to keep families together whenever possible. Sometimes it's not possible because the parents just can't (or won't) change. In those cases, it's great when a foster parent can adopt the child and continue to give that child a loving a stable home. However, foster care is about supporting bio families - it's NOT about taking children away from someone deemed "undeserving" so others can adopt. Foster parenting is a JOB. I don't like bugs. Therefore, I would never choose extermination as a job. It's not for me. If you don't like the idea of reuniting families, then foster care isn't for you. As I've said in a previous post, you can adopt an infant for a few thousand dollars. And as Lorraine123 has said, most INFANTS adopted through foster care have significant special needs due to the parents' alcohol & drug use during pregnancy. It's a long hard road to raise these little ones. It takes a special kind of dedication to the child. If someone is looking to adopt a healthy newborn with no bio family involvement, then you need to look into private adoption. Foster/adopt is FOSTERING an infant until the birthparents have had every opportunity to fix their problems AND every extended family member who is interested has had a chance to be reviewed as possible custodians.

Wow...how true is that! I remember being young thinking I would do so much differently when I had kids and BAM...they amazed me and made me rethink :) We are all human and make mistakes....parenting is a tough job but a very rewarding job. I can't sit and judge everyone for what they do but only worry about what I am doing. It's hard to pass judgment until you have been in their shoes.

You people make me sick! From what I understand you haven't had a husband that suffered with a terminal disease his entire life. That even though he was entitled to disability when turned 18 he decided to try beat this disease and get a career. He became a ff/medic and was the best there is. Instead when I decided to be open and share how I felt after 2 months of fighting with a world renouned hospital to save his life you JUDGE me!! It makes me have "issues" to want my husband to live! When you are losing the best thing in your life you would wish for anything to happen to save him. Unless that is you have a terrible marriage and maybe from the reply to my post you wouldn't fight for yor husband like I did. People die everyday, I was wishing for one of them to be a perfect match! If that is something you think is unethical then to hell with you all as your opinion doesn't matter. I have my husband, and a family who gave us a gift and I live evreyday mourning this person I never met!!! Don't you people think about anything other than proving a point???? I can't afford private adoption, we have to do it this way. Not our choice but that is life. I will be the greatest mother in the world, regardless of my personal feelings on reunitification. My fertiltiy issues have been dealt with , thank you very much. It took me a while but I got there. reuniting a bmom with someone who hurts them is my point and I will stick to that as you stick to yours. My sw is not filling my head with crap and I know the child can go back but like I said I am not in it to be someone who helps children go home. If and when this happens, i will deal with it like the rest of you. I may not like it but I will deal with it! I don't have to explain myself to you, or the person I am. As like I said you are nothing in my life but when I get some "perfect" mother come on here and read me the riot act on how I should be a parent makes me sick.. I came on here to meet good living people like me. I guess I was wrong (bar a few real nice people) Oh, Kat-L, as for was I evaluated......of course I was. 607 questions and a 45 minute interview and I passed and can I tell you one thing, I was asked by the Dr what I thought of reunification. I told her the truth and I stated to her if this has a negative factor against me then so be it, her words to me were, I like you. It's not often I get people who are straight. I get people who tell me what I want to hear in order to pass my evaluation. I am far from this demon you all make me out to be. I am the greatest human being I can be. I have a love for life and the people in it. I go to church every week and treat strangers with the same respect I would like in return, until someone causes harm to others. I have talked to many many women who can't have kids and I was asked by many what I thought of ru, and there reply was the same. So, to stop beating a dead horse, you believe in whatever u want and me, well I will belive in mine.

Ain't nobody teachin' this pig to sing......

NO one called you a demon or a woman unfit to be a parent (as you mention in an above post) but you sure are quick to sling nasty comments back at all of us and paint us with one big brush! Wow. You never responded to my point, which I think was an important one. The harm you will do to your CHILD if you talk down about their birth parents. Even if you don't say so to them direclty you are very full of contempt that I'm afraid would come through in your attitude. Bottom line, if you put down someone your child loves or feels a part of, you hurt your child. If you do adopt, please, please try to develop some genuine compassion and recognize that you can NEVER be "the only mother" the child has - you will always have to honour and respect their birth parents, no matter how screwed up they might have been.

Yah, I don't know if MOST birthparents in the system can become good enough parents to regain custody. But enough of them can that we owe all of them a chance.

Oh, you're in for a world of hurt. More hurt than you can imagine. We have all been trying to help you learn about the system, but you're having none of it. So all we can do is wish you good luck. You're about to get on the biggest roller coaster ride of your life, and you're choosing to do it in the hardest possible way. Come back in a few months and let us know how that's working for you.

No one is accusing you of being a demon. I'm not sure where that came from. I think Boulderbabe stated it best. We know the system and we know what is to come to you. You are opening yourself up for a lot of pain. We hate to see that happen to someone.When you decide to come back in the future, we are here for you.

"So you can all scold me and judge me however you chose but I am no different than anyone of you here." You keep asking everyone on here to stop putting words in your mouth, I will now ask you to stop lumping us all in with you. You are very different from me. You do not know me. You have not walked in my shoes. I am going to be very blunt here. You should not be allowed to foster. You say that anyone that hurts a child does not deserve that child. Your feelings towards the childs parents are going to hurt that child (emotionally). Per your beliefs, you do not deserve to be a parent and should not be allowed to foster. Sorry if that hurts, but I think the damage you will do to a child in this situation is just as damaging as what the parent did to have them taken. I will pray for you. I will ask God to open your eyes and ears and learn. I will ask Him to grant you the understanding of how important it is for you to support RU. How your forever child will know that even thou they were unable to go home that you care for and respect thier parents. That you did everything in your power to give them the best life (with thier parents), However since that was not possible you stepped up and took over where they could not. Good luck to you. I hope that in thirty years you can look back, with your child, and know that you did everything you could to keep a natural family together. Because if not I really think you will be looking back alone. That child will want to find thier parents.

No one here was giving me advice. Lets get that point across. You all were here to judge how I felt about reunification. I came into this whole process with the idea of adoption only until our sw suggested foster-adopt to get a baby. i am not inthe lest bit happy to go that road but to eventually get a new baby I have to. Now if this woman is blowing smoke then I will sue her for false information. MBelt8402 to answer your post, I too am nothing like you. And if you think I will be damaging to a child because I dont support ru then that is your opinion. You have no clue who I am either and believe me you are nothing like me! That ain't a compliment to you either. As for 30 years looking back with my child.....I can guarantee I will be looking back as a parent. I have never said nasty comments to u I argues my point. Why all of you think I will raise my baby by constantly slagging there bmoms off is beyond me. I don't agree with ru. I never said I would deny my child any knowledge she wishes to know. As for the roller coaster, nothing in this world will ever compare to the ride I have been on for all these years with my husband. Harsh you may say but if I can live through what Ihave done for 10 years I can certainly live with possibility of ru, evenif I don't agree with it.

Well, you know, the other thread got closed BECAUSE it was becoming a real hot button issue that people had strong, strong feelings on. Surely you know that if you dredged it back up, the same was going to happen? As for me, I'm not here to criticize your OPINION - in many ways I agree with it. I AM wanting to give you advice so that your future child feels happy and validated by your acceptance and support of his birthparents, as that will help YOU have a closer relationship with the child. There have been stories right on this board of adopted children leaving their families as soon as they become adults and going back to their birth-families. I'm thinking that any vibe or attitude they pick up from their parents that makes them feel like they have to "choose between" would be more likely to cause them to do this. Are you okay with it if your child wants to ask you about their birthparents? Will you be able to say (and mean it!) that their mom loved them very much and really WANTED to take care of them but just didn't have the skills to do it? Will you support your 18 year old in looking for her "mom" or will it hurt your feelings? You are right that I don't know you or how you'd act, but I just want to make sure that you can learn from the mistakes and experiences of others rather than having to find out each of these things for yourself in the most painful way. (I just got back from an EMDR session with my fs about an hour ago, where the main point was to reinforce his positive feelings about his birth mom and validate how much she WANTED to be a good mom, but was too hurt to give him what he needed, etc). As much as I really, truly WANT to say "she was an abuser who didn't deserve you, and you should love me better because I'm a better mom" I really can't say that to him. I have to force myself to find respect and compassion for a woman I'd rather be free to despise...and that is one of the hard things that is required of a parent who adopts. I'm definitely not suggesting that you would "Slag on" the birthmoms intentionally - but what you really feel and believe will come through to someone who loves and knows you well.

Thank you for that reply. My point I was trying to make was exactly what you said. I don't agree with ru and I woul dnever in a million years let my child feel how I felt as it has nothing to do with the child how I feel. I feel exactly how you feel but would too have kept my mouth shut and done what I was supposed to do. Of course I will tell my child that I was given you from God through your bmom who at a time in her life couldn't give you what you deserved, even if she brought harm to the child. I will help my child through the best of my ability and knowledge to find their bmom if they choose to. I will support whatever decision they make even if I don't agree, afterall that is what a parent does. I was trying to say that I don't agree with ru and I am a deserving woman who would make the greatest mom (like my own mother is) to a child who more than deserves it. I would never say anything to my child that would **** anyone. I would however have a discussion (as I tried to here) with other women who are/went through what I did and felt the pain of not being able to be a mom and also felt the pain of ru even when you felt it shoudln't have happened. I am a good girl, who has lived a great childhood and now living a great married life (even with all the ups and downs it comes with) I am human just like all the bmoms and my desire to be a mom will never go away. I can't be judged on that. I am only wanting wht we all want, all as women anyway, a child to love.

Wow----that one phrase really sums up what being a foster parent has meant to me. I am continually being pushed to find compassion, even for people I would rather despise.Painful process, but it sure has made me a better human being. Thanks for putting it in a nutshell.

Boulderbabe, can I asky why you think that sentance sums it all up? I have said from the start how I felt about the bmom and I was judged. I was saying pretty much what stevestwin was saying but I got read the riot act for being honest in how I feel. How come you wouldn't damage your kids? It is just a question, not a bitter one.

We have a policy here on the forums regarding the continued discussion of closed threads/topics - I decided to let this one go, to see if it could go a different direction. Clearly, it can't. Since it’s just a battle of "I'm right, you're wrong!" - there really is no need to continue it. Additionally, we don't have the available 'manpower' to monitor it - and its come very close, many times, to crossing the line...although the entire thread is straddling the line as it is.