Torment on a Yearly Basis

I was wondering the same thing...more visits would be better...you wouldn't be able to stay strangers with more contact..

You're welcome. It's for everyone's eyes. I was looking for responses from a specific group, but I welcome everyone, as long as they are kind, or at least tactful. It's hard to share these emotions, but I believe it's good, not only for my own sanity, but for open adoption. At least, I hope so. Everyone, else especially the first few, thank you for your comfort and support. I really appreciate it.

More visits is a very bad idea. I need the time in between to myself. I still think about her, and miss her, but not so much. Guilty though I feel, I must admit I, too, was over-whelmed by the frequency of the visits in the first year. In fact, in the following year, I skipped a visit (and rescheduled for 6 months later or so), because I couldn't cope with the emotional back and forth, so much joy and pain. I admit I feel more relaxed having scaled it back. I have no intention of missing, or delaying, another visit. I couldn't keep up with the pace of more than once a year. It's too much of a shock to my system. I take a huge emotional hit every time. I love her, but the stress of reuniting and parting with her in under 4 hours every year wears on me.

Aspenhall, they are good people. Sometimes I see it in their eyes, the fear, but on the other hand, I must admit I'm a bit nuerotic. Any way, that string of thought was more about expressing my inner fears, frustrations, and sadness than anything else. I wrote a letter to and spoke to the a-parents early on. We both try very hard to be understanding and accommodating, but some issues take time to work out, and can't be rushed. Additionally, the situation itself just brings up its own issues, no matter how much we try to fix it. Fortunately, my daughter seems quite happy, so it's good enough. If she's not happy, then nothing is good enough. Heh.

I think the idea of reuniting and then parting is whats making it hard on you..if you look at it like less of an "event" and more of an "occurrance" it may help I imagine.Perhaps, as she's older everything will relax more...It's really hard to know what to do, as there are no rule books and role models for open adoptions very visible out there....the aparents probably have a rough time seeing through all the stereotypes and I'm sure they'd be more than willing to allay your fears of how you are seen by them...I wonder if flat out saying..."this is how I wish to be viewed/treated" would work for both sides?

She'll be seven in November. I have said flat out. As I said, they are very good. They work with me. They are very accepting, and willing to meet me in the middle. So far we have been able to work out every issue, but there will always be emotional issues.

Hiya, I can feel emotions similar to yours,but I am in reunion with my son. He found me last year and I guess the feelings that are similar is IMPOTENCE. I baulk at the fact that he lives at home with his parents. They have all that I DIDN'T which made me give him up in the first place. Reunion for me has meant that I've had my heart ripped out on a regular basis for 17 months, and endured another 28 years whereby the closed adoption meant I DID have to get on with my life. Hard? It paralysed me for the rest of my life, lousy relationships, my own hangups etc etc. The reason I carry on with reunion (despite having wanted to leg it on many occasions and I mean regular mental agony equates NO MORE THANKYOU!) is because my son needs me in his life. I have endured pain like I can't describe, and I've listened to his life and the emotional pain he has suffered leading to numbing substances to help him cope, because I wasn't in his life. He hated growing up without me. To start with, I almost felt kinda blackmailed emotionally to hanging in there, it was really that bad. I'd not known anything like it in my life and I certainly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But hang in there I did, and then as the turning points come, it gives relief, of sorts. My son knows he is loved and wanted by both his amom and myself. He doesn't know why he behaves the way he does, but its all the issues that closed adoption has given him - genetically no markers, no-one to reflect back his personality, his quirks, his behaviours, his thoughts, his mannerisms. Only the bmom can do that. As good, in fact as wonderful as any amom can be, she can't give him that. However, what the amom has that I don't, is the years and years of familiarity that being her son and spending that time with him has given her. So we both lose some. OFTEN I have wished that I could ditch this reunion business and get on with my life. But being a bmom means that I am tied with more emotion to my son than with any other relationship ever. Even if I had got marrried (and I didn't), nothing can equate with that relationship between child and bmother. Even now, after all the hard work, research, tenderness, patience, endurance, slog, we have made it through to a place of relative comfort, I still feel out of it. I am not his mother. I am a bmother trying to get some sort of relationship with a complete stranger I met last year who happened to leave my womb and not come back over 29 years ago. I still can't phone him in the lounge of their home (out of respect for his aparents feelings for the moment), he is still not ready to see me for the second time, we don't go shopping, share the small stuff, he is so emotionally wrecked because of the emotionally bad match that is his parents, that I wonder at times if we will ever "make" it to any sort of relationship other than phone calls and emails. So can you see from the above, the importance of your being in your childs' life? That she will identify with you over the years and see that she is you and you are her. She will be able to grow up without that question mark over her head as to who she is and who her mom is and it may well avoid the relationship and intimacy, confidence issues that adoptees grow up with? I don't know, I only know the near 3 decades that I've endured and now I have another endurance. The very issues that adoption gave my son are the very things that stand in the way of us getting it together as mother and son -mother in a different way to his amom. Yes I feel jealous at times, yes I feel impotent, but I can't answer your question as to whether I would put myself in your shoes, I've only experienced closed adoption. I think at the end of the day, sadness and pain makes us receptive to that of others and we can comfort in a way no other person can in that vein. Pain? I've had enough, but I endure it, because I think the outcome is worth it. Just imagine an SAS officer put through this torture! he wouldn't survive, I guarantee it! Hope these thoughts give you some help in adjusting to your situation. love and hugsJannyroo

Thank you for allowing us aparents to contribute to this thread. I really appreciate you sharing your feelings about how it feels for you to see and say goodbye to your daughter. It really helps us aparents to see the other side of adoption. Our son's birthmom has visited us every 3-5 months in the 3 and 1/2 years of his life. At the very beginning we were nervous that the visits would go "right" and she was guarded and worried she would say or do something to make us want to cut off contact with her. (we would never do that... but it was a fear of hers) After the first year of frequent visits, I believe we have both let our guards down and we have built a really beautiful relationship, one of deep love and respect and friendship. She and I email each other frequently. My husband and I love her dearly and we consider her to be a very important part of our family. We've discussed adoption many times with her... why she picked us out of a group, how we deal with outsiders who don't "get" open adoption, etc. (she is an adoptee as well) But reading your post made me wonder if our frequent get togethers are really painful to her. I thought they might be in the beginning, but must admit I have not thought about it in the last two years. She's always very excited when she comes... she brings gifts for all the kids... they all adore her and the five of us have a really wonderful time. She leaves (seemingly) happy and emails us, thanking us for the wonderful visit, telling us what a great time she had and how much she loves us. But I wonder, like I said, after reading your post if it is painful for her when she says goodbye to our son so often? I'm not sure if I should bring it up or not with her. mom to 3 (one bio, one through domestic adoption and one through international adoption) [url]www.journeytofamily.com[/url]

Arruniel, I also wanted to thank you for sharing. We have an annual visit with our DD's birth family....It is really, really emotional. (I literally watched DD's birth mom crumple to the ground when we drove away after her 1 year visit). Although I know it's totally different, I am an emotional basket case after visits because I just hate seeing DD's birth mom in so much pain. As DD's birth mom has said to me (DD is only 2), it's important for her to see DD and to see how well she is doing. I told DD's birth mom that when DD is older, we are certainly open to more visits, etc. if that's what DD wants (and they want). (Sometimes I think an annual visit is really "not enough" -- other times, I'm not sure having 3 or 4 visits a year would be any easier on us or DD's birth mom....the whole topic makes me feel really guilty). I personally cannot imagine the pain you feel every time you see and have to part from DD, but anyway I am thinking of you....

Jannyroo, I think about that type of thing everytime I consider ditching, even if it's only one visit. Thank you for responded. I think you made some very good points and shared some important information. I hope thing get better for you both.

Arruniel, you said it just as I feel it. Those painful visits are both unbelievable and unbearable. I cry for days after I see my bson, or speak with him on the phone. My bson is 6 and lives accross the ocean, I am in England (my mothers insane decision to make things easier for me after the adoption). Anyway, I can't afford to visit him often. I didn't see him for 3 years, from when he was 2.5 til 5 years old. When I saw him last November, almost a year ago now, he asked me who I was....this was not what I barganed for. I wanted an open adoption, I wanted my bson to know me. But it was my fault, if I want him to know and understand who I am, I need to make more of an effort. My husband tells me, "save your money, fly over next month". It was unberable last visit, painful, heartwrenching. I couldn't look amom in the eye. I ended up drinking too much and cried, they left finally and then I realized, I was so wrapped up in my own feelings, I forgot to give him his present. What an idiot! Now, our Open Adoption is me sending gifts, waiting impatiently for the email "thank you" reply. Yurning for him, reading open adoption books, wondering if amom is reading them too. I want to talk to her, but I don't want to upset her. I don't want her to think I am not good enough for him. I'm embarrassed about these feelings, and so I hide them. Only my closest friends know. Does anyone tell people about their birth children casually? I feel like sometimes saying, "Hi, I'm a birthmom, if you want to be my friend I come with a very heavy load." But instead, I don't have many friends and just keep everyone distant. My maid of Honour at my wedding doesn't even know. To answer your question Arruniel, I think that we visit them because even though we mourn for a whole year, we feel amazingly incredibly alive again when we have our short visit with our little babies, and that I wouldn't give up for the world.

I'm a floater here. Most of the time i visit to read what other people go through and see if it helps me with what i go through. rarely do i write- mostly due to time constraints. Im a birthmom in a open adoption. my bson is 12 and a half years old. I understand what you go through on a yearly basis because for the first 10 years of my sons life, i too saw him and his family once a year or two. Each time was very difficult for me because as they left it was like saying goodbye to him again and again and again. I LOVE his family. They are great people and I know they care and love him very much. That's why I made a decision before he becomes a teenager to not have the yearly or biyearly visits anymore until he initiates it himself. I still email and get pics from his mom on a regular basis so i know what he's up to, also i wrote him a letter for when he does start asking more questions about why he was adopted in the first place. Those steps taken have helped me to go on with my own life (Im married now and trying to start our family). I will be totally honest with our subsequent kids about my first precious baby and include a family tree in the nursery that reflects his whole family as well. See, for me, not visiting is really probably the best thing for us right now. How many kids do you know that look forward to visiting distant relatives that they don't know much about? I figure the visits on his part probably felt more like a chore than a wonderful chance to get to know or see someone that looks like him and possibly acts like him. I don't know, that's my opinion anyway.

All of you in an Open Adoption are SO very lucky, Im sitting here at work with tears running down my face thinking how I wish open adoption was around when I placed my baby daughter 32 years ago. And I know that as emotional as I am that it would be torture to leave her after each and every visit. After reading so many posts I have to agree that you must keep in touch so that your daughter grows up to be confident in herself as a female and a woman. It seems that many who do not know their bparents have emotional/insecurity problems. And the same for us bparents, so many of us have made bad decisions in our personal lives, maybe if we had had open adoption back then we would not have the problems and made the mistakes that we have made.

The thing is you are more than a distant relative. Did you ever ask him what visits have meant to him? Research shows that not one kid in an open adoption wants less contact, and many want more.....

I too am a bmom from a closed adoption. I have wondered how I would have dealt with an open adoption. Would the pain of seeing him occasionally have been worse than 33 years of wondering if he was alive or dead? Would it have helped his turbulent teenage years to know that I hadn't walked away and forgotten him; to know that I did/do love him? I don't know. I do know that when his parents told him that I'd contacted them, he said, "she didn't want me then, she needn't think she can just walk back into my life now." (Ouch!)