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Our son was placed in a RTC yesterday. It has been a long story but to sum it up - we adopted him at 12 (he is now 16, bigger and much stronger then me), something was always off - we had to teach him to make eye contact, make conversation etc - he was just off socially but we worked really hard with him and he caught up on social skills). He would occasioanlly have tantrums including breaking things and throwing things at us. We didn't see the red flags.
Over the years the tantrums got worse, we sought therapy, he started using drugs at 14 (THC, alcohol and then everything he could find) - we realized when he was 16 (he never showed signs, always had good grades, never fit any of the classic warning signs of drug use) - he flipped out - spend a few days in a psych ward, came home, got out patient drug treatment, (we tried to get him into in patient treatment but not one facility would accept him - mental health told us he had a drug problem, drug programs said he had a mental health program) we did intesnive family therapy in the home for 6 months, he seemed to change, we thought things were heading in good direction, he was participating with the family again, seemed happy ... we started to relax after 6 months of this - and then found his weed growing operation he had very carefully hidden inside our home.
The police charged him. So he got high in the house while we were sleeping and when we caught him flipped out and started breaking things. So the police charged him again. He became angrier and more out of control - we tried grounding him and he would just leave - for a day or two at a time - the drug use got worse. We tried post adopt services (round 3) and they told us he was more then they could handle. We got a pyschiatrist and he refused to take the meds and asked to doc to give
him adderal and xanax. We got him a therapist. We took away all his priveleges that we could, he tried positive reinforcmenet. We prayed a lot.
And finally this weekend he assaulted me and my husband while our toddler and other son were in the home. We restrained him for 10 minutes before the police arrived. We are both black and blue from all the punches and kicks we took trying to contain him, we just tried to hold him the hold time to keep him away from our other two kids.
I am devestated that it has come to having him placed elsewhere but we can't do this anymore. Our house is alarmed all over including our little one's door incase he gets high and hurts someone. He lies, all the time, about everything, he is SO charming, all the neighbors think he is this poor little boy that we make up stories about, his own Grandmother (my mother in law) doubted us until she saw the marks on us.
He steals, runs away ... he is diagnosed with conduct disorder and his therapist told us she doesn't beleive he can function in a family and needs the structure of an RTC. I am having panic attacks. I haven't seen him since he attacked us because when I try to go to one of the meetings at the JPOs office I start shaking and hyperventilating and can't get a hold of myself.
I don't know where to go from here. Court is today, the JPO office is seeking placement for several months at least in the RTC. He is saying he never ever wants to come home (he has told his therapist, his psychiatrist, his JPO that he never intends to change and will continue to do these things no matter what we say or do and then told his therapist he does not care who he hurts because we get in his way). I am looking for a therapist for my husband and myself and another one for my older son and found a play therapist for my toddler.
I am just so lost - I miss the kid who bakes with me and makes stupid jokes (he has days at a time when he is so normal you almost forget about the other stuff) but am so relieved to have the kid who threatens me and hides drugs all over my house gone). I feel like a failure.
I know people on here have been through this before. Does anyone have any words of advice? Please please I am not looking for judgement, I do not want to hear that we did the wrong thing placing him, or how could you do that? I do not know how to keep my other kids safe any other way and I do not have the reserves to hear judgy comments so please refrain, I know some people see this as us abandoning him but I simply do not know how to help him, he is beyond what i can help with.
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Trixiebell...you did the best you could. Trust me, I know. I am the single father of ten sons. You can see my postings all the way back.
My son V and your son are just alike. I tried everything. The only difference, V stayed with me until he was 20. He corrupted and terrorized the younger sons in my home. They were scared to death of him. Finally one day, he slipped up. He gave marijuana to my younger son. I was at work. The younger son told a friend, who told their parents. The parents called the police....long story short...V fled. Last year, he was caught for robbery. He is sitting in jail now.
Believe it or not, jail has been good for him. He seems to have pulled it together. When he first went it, he said he wanted to find his anger/rage again. He was such an angry young man for years. He actually told me a couple of weeks ago that he was "happy". Today, he asked for a book to read. V never read anything for school, let alone for pleasure!
I understand your feelings, missing your son. I was depressed for a long time. What he is going through is not your fault. You have to BELIEVE that! He has made his choices, based on the influences in his life before you. Take time for yourself. Reach out to friends. There is life after our children leave. I know...sounds like a terrible thing. It isn't. Work on some issues, but go on with your life.
Anyone who judges you, hasn't stood in your shoes.
SAdly the RTCs usually do not help that being said I agree with the above enjoy the time!! Our daughter was placed for a year and a half and learned new behaviors but it was time to regain our sanity.
It is so hard and I totally understand what you are going through. Thank goodness our daughter did show her true self a few times so family members and our small community know it wasn't us (well most). She is in foster so try that one on for size? Kids in foster it's always the parents fault right?
I would definitely seek a therapists help and consider EMDR therapy.
I agree with sassafras that RTC does not always help but the 11 months our son was there gave the rest of our family a time to be a family again. We got to do things without the stress he causes. Our other two sons at home yet got to live in peace for awhile. Our son also went To TFC for 7 months as a step down. While he is better then he was he still is having issues and is starting to escalate again. Definitely get counseling for you and your husband. We found a christian counselor that we love. She has probably saved our marriage. She has focused on us and how to keep our marriage strong and encouraged us to take time for ourselves.Know that you are not alone and you did what is best for everyone.
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Trixiebell, my heart broke more than once for you, your family and for the child.I could identify with him so completely and what is probably the best, somehow you found the strength and courage to do what needed to be done. Sometimes adoptees heads are so broken by the time they get away from the trauma they have been thru, there isn't much left upstairs.I am a male adoptee sold into adoption in a different era. The abuse started as I waited in the unwed mothers home for the courts adoption decision. Feeding and sanitation were pretty bad.After 5 months I was adopted by a couple who accepted my poor condition because my new a-mom needed a replacement child for the child who had died 6 months before I was born. With a new child, she felt as tho she had been forgiven and was no longer to blame for the accident that cost her the loss of her 1st adopted child.I was taken to a foreign country where I lived till age 15. But when I was 3, that first a-mom died, leaving me with an a-dad who became a single parent to a child he didn't want. There was abandonment.When I was 5, I got a new step mom who wanted children of her own, not a ready made family. I learned I was tainted, suspect and an "outsider." This was the era when unwed moms were looked at as "fast" and the child would be born feeble minded.There was every form of abuse. There was no time to think about grief, loss, or lack of b-family. Everyday the commitment was to work. When I had time, I hid in the swamp just to be alone.I trusted no one. Any failure for assigned projects or school resulted in severe punishment. There were times when I lay in snow banks thawing out water pipes that i began to understand. I could lay still and in 5 minutes it would be over, or, I could work toward making a better life. It would have to come from me, no one would help.I was able to put all the abuse, degradation, grief and loss behind me. It was a separate part and was not allowed to interfere with hope for a better life.I put myself through school and never opened the grief and loss door until many years later. But, I remembered the pathway that was necessary to fix what would provide a different life and in following those beliefs, I learned how to live. The trust issue faded and altho I served my a-family for 30 years, I found the courage to see what parts of living were for the better and used those to heal. There is a lot more to the story, but I wanted to share that no matter how bad the legacy is that we get as adoptees, there is always the hope that we can heal and have a responsible life.It doesn't come easy, and sometimes as kids we need adults to mentor and teach us how to live. I was lucky enough to have had a strong mentor for 13 years who taught the secrets if what is important and how to heal by using those gifts. This was just a sharing of my story because I could relate to the child. I have often wished there was a way to reach out to those kids and teach them how to live.I wish you the best and lots of hugs.
This is just an addition to try to help foster parents and adoptees, or those children in foster care.There is so much regarding adoption that seems to be a dark secret and remain un-shared with young adoptees. Fear of the grief, loss, and the unknown keeps them from exploring what their thots are and how to deal with them.As an example, children having been through many foster care homes, take pieces of that home climate and live with it, regardless of moving on to the next foster care home. They may put many pieces of various home climates together and come up with a lifestyle, that for them, works. To change completely into a life using a different set of parameters would evoke great fear in them, because they don't know how to use it. To live honorably without lying or stealing, or tantrums is not something they have been taught.As adults, we need to do more outreach to allow those kids to express their feelings and investigate the possibility of their evaluations in terms of what may work for them.Set up classes 1 day a month and make it age related. Those young children, perhaps 6-8 would have a different set of values and concerns than say those that were young teens to 18. I haven't worked out the details, but all children would be in a group class and have the opportunity to share with others what their feelings are. There might be some group therapy involved with what happened, etc. For them, this would be a confidential atmosphere without parents and allow the kids to share with their parents if they wished. Parents would be given goals for the group. Any special cases would be taken under advisement.As they get older, teach them how to live. Give them the keys to learning what values are important. Provide elements of what happens when they search.In short, the treatment and learning in regards to their ability to cope with their lives is currently fragmented. There is no input to give the kids just something to help them.We need to foster the freedom we give them to tell us what is happening in their lives in an attempt to help. Nothing we can do will fix what they have been thru, but we can help. This is not to say that there have not been many success stories from the foster care homes that made these children a part of their home. These are just some thots related to how to help the kids.I wish you the best.
I don't have any words of advice - just thinking of you and your family. It's so hard when you have to make tough decisions, especially when those around you but not in your house don't understand those decisions.Know that you have done your best. Get the help you and your family need to heal. And don't let the guilt monster bully you. It's okay to feel sad and to mourn the loss of the kid who made stupid jokes. And it's okay to protect yourself and your family.