Found my birthmom and she doesn't want to meet me!

This thread is old but this is my first reply on this Forum. I feel so badly for those of you, where your birth mothers have rejected you. That was my worst fear, when I was Reunited with my Birth Mom, last year. When I initially called after the Private Investigator located her, "she denied that I was her son." I was devastated and thought I would never meet my birth mom. The following morning I receive a phone call from her husband, who in turn, turned the phone over to my birth mom. She apologized for denying me, she said, she told me that, "Out of Fear." I am fifty four years old and I had been my mother's secret all these years. My five half siblings, one full sibling and bmom's husband of over fifty years, knew absolutely nothing about me. I have met my birth mom, a few times now, talk on the phone with her. It's going to be a day by day, step by step process in this Reunion. My birth mom is, my ex-wife's aunt. Thankfully it's because the husband and the ex-wife's father are half brothers. Four days after meeting my BMom, my Amom passed away. This Summer, I possibly will meet my siblings, where it will be told, "I was placed for Adoption." Your birth moms may come around. Now that the initial shocks have worn off, maybe they are regretting not meeting you and hoping for further contact. I'm sure they are going through alot of shame and guilt for placing you. They also must wonder, "what the other children and family members in their lives will think of them, when they find out?"

Ok, so here I go, I have never posted before but this seems like it is the right thread for my story. Hopefully it will help some of you, and maybe give me some insight into my situation. I am a 33 year old adoptee. I have known for as long as I can remember that I was adopted. My mom told me a "fairy tale" about the beautiful women who gave her to me, when I was very young. Having said that, it was never a shock to me, but I started dealing with my feelings and questions very young. I was not legally adopted until I was 18 years old. My bmom, simply signed over custody to my mom. She came to visit me, until I was three years old, when it just became to difficult for both of them. At the age of 14 I had my first conversation with my bmom, with my mom sitting beside me. I learned at that time she had two other children, my brother and sister. the oldest was 10 years younger than me. At the age of 18 I decided to contact my bmom again. I had her phone number, address, etc. upon contacting her I received a warm reception. To make a long story short this warm reception has turned into a roller coaster of emotions, and to this day I have yet to meet her. One day, she loves me - the next she barely knows me. Or she will just disappear for several months, only to contact me months later, asking why I haven't called. All of this along with two trips that I traveled over 1500 miles to meet her and have her stand me up and not answer her phone. Now in my mind I know that I am a secret, no one knows about me, including her husband, and she is really conflicted. she is scared her husband will find out, etc. My rational mind knows her reasoning and fear...my heart hurts. It doesn't matter how many times I go over it in my head, it still hurts. 4 years ago, after 2 years of no contact - I called her. I wanted to know about my biological father, and she was my only source of information. I actually had my husband call, she insisted on talking to me. I explained to her that I did not want to cause her anymore pain, and that I would leave her alone, I just wanted to know before I lost track of her again. She gave me the information and told me she would help in anyway. Within 3 months I found him, and contacted him. He knew about me, and he was honest with me. He told me he didn't know how he felt about the situation, but we could try and see what happened, no guarantees. We started out with email, 2 or 3 times a week, asking questions, etc. It is much easier to talk to a "stranger" on the computer than by phone. The are never put on the spot, etc. after 3 months he decided to come and meet me. i was petrified. What if he stood me up too? I had been preparing myself to meet her for years, but he was a different story. I really hadn't even expected to find him. After relaying my fears to him, he assured me that he would not stand me up. We pledged to be honest with each other from the beginning, and promised that if it became to difficult for either one, we would be upfront with the other. True to his word 3 weeks later he flew over 3000 miles to meet me, with his wife. We were completely at ease with each other. My only disappointment was he didn't want to meet my children. he said it was too much for the first visit, he thought we should take it slow, before they became involved. 4 years later we talk nearly everyday. He has became an active part in my children's lifes and we both cherish our relationship. He has also gave me some insight into my bmom. The were engaged for several years after I was born. He never wanted to give me up for adoption, she insisted it was best. He claims that she never recovered from the guilt and was quite depressed for a few years and eventually broke off their engagement completely when i was 7 years old. He finally moved on. Back to the bmom, she took an active interest in my family from the time I found him until last april. Out of the blue I received an email she needed time and space, I replied, telling her I would honor her request, like I always had before, and told her I was pregnant again. For three months, she would email me, wanting to meet, wanting to tell her other children, who she believed were ready to know. None of this was at my request, but her suggestions. I listened, knowing she would never go through with anything she was saying, it was like a dream to her. Then nothing, for the next three months. And then a why haven't you called, a guilt trip from her, pressuring me to have more contact, so I called only to be told, I needed to leave her alone, she needed more time. I responded, in a bad way - being seven months pregnant and in premature labor, didn't help. I told her to leave me alone, I told her I couldn't take the ups and downs anymore. I told her to forgive herself and move on, I was ok. I told her that one day, I would contact my brother and sister when they were old enough to understand. I told her a lot of harsh things. She responded that I would never understand her feelings and what she had been through, because she didn't understand them herself. i stopped taking her phone calls, changed my numbers and emails and left her as a memory. I told myself, I would never meet her, and I told myself I was ok with that. Our up and down relationship had went on for 18 years, with her never following through with anything she said. I had had enough. Then 3 weeks ago, I stumbled upon myspace, out of curiosity I typed in my brothers name, who is an adult (college senior) and there he was, there was my sister and my bmom listed as his friends. it's amazing what emotions can flood through a person when this happens. I sat and stared at the page, wondering what to do, playing with the idea of contacting him, not knowing what to say and just like a sign the little "online now" symbol appeared. Now it was about midnight and without thinking about it to hard, I requested to be his friend and asked if **** was him mom. He replied instantly, wondering who I was. After a few cautious emails on both our parts, he said you appear to know me, but I don't know you, could I call you and talk a few minutes. I emailed him my phone number and within seconds my phone rang, unprepared and not knowing what to say, I answered. I told him it was not an easy story, and asked him if he was prepared to hear it. We spoke for 7 hours, still reluctant to hang up. We are very similar, and the next day I emailed him copies of my bmom's emails through the years, showing him how she confused me through the years...We agreed not to tell our sister, she's still young, and decided to take it slow. I knew from experience that once this all sank in, it would probably hit hard. He wanted to know everything, (thus the email) and explained to me that his mom went through severe depression several times a year, laying in bed, etc. He wanted to tell her, I contacted him. We discussed options and finally he decided to tell her that I had contacted him wanting to know if she was his mom. We decided to leave it at that and test the waters. She responded to him, not to worry about it, that "it" was nothing. His disappointment was overwhelming. As was mine, the rejection of being nothing brought back feelings I had repressed for years. He still thinks, she will tell him, and asked me to contact her, telling her I had found him and asking her if I could contact him. So i did, still no response. He feels if she knows her secret is out and that he is ok with it, it will allow her to heal and take the burden of hiding away. my bdad, says to leave it alone, it will only make it worse. and I am conflicted. In some ways I feel like I betrayed her, I am not comfortable "lying" to her by asking to contact him, after the fact, but I definetly don't want to cause her more pain. So what should we do? Oh and theres more, she gave another child up for adoption secretly 10 years ago...that all we know about that. We talk daily, and I'm waiting on him to retreat....that's my story, I know it's long. I tried to condense it as much as possible...

Dear akaadoptee, I am both an adoptee and a birth-mom. I would love to talk to you privately. Please e-mail me at clcl222@hotmail.com

[century gothic]that's okay, Q! It's good to bring up threads that have been discussed - and add more![/font] [font=century gothic]Good luck Q! That's quite a secret to keep for 54 years! [/font]

[font=century gothic]jlsf - so sorry to hear about your dilema! I have no suggestion for you - unfortuanately - but there are some good people that will probably pass thru and offer more than I can! Good luck in whatever you decide! I've written an eleven page letter to my bdaughter that's about to go in the mail... it's been 15 months since I last heard from her; and unfortunately, she did ask for no contact, but DID mention she had no medical history - so I've included that in my letter. Hopefully, this letter will turn around her thinking... wish me luck! LOL! :loveyou: [/font]

Jlsf wrote We all dance to the tune of the one acting out.. for a while.. till we find out that dancing to said tune.. hurts.. And these things that hurt instruct.. according to Benjamin Franklin.. as written by Scott Peck.. (see full quote below) Everyone revolves around the acting out person.. their lives are second and the acting out persons life comes first.. Dance of intimacy. The healthy ones break away.. and do not dance the dance.. Allow the person to suffer the consequences of their actions.. And the healthy ones stop obsessing on the one in the dysfunction.. Let them go.. get on with THEIR lives.. It was not a bad way.. It was a good way for her and for you.. You put up a boundary.. and you made sure you were okay.. that was healthy.. and I say good for you.. its hard to tell someone this.. I can remember the time I told my mom.. She would call and say her insanity and I finally said no.. no I wont.. play this game.. Like jumping off of a cliff.. Feel no guilt about this.. is what I say.. Yes.. the right thing to say.. Mystification.. And wanting you to play her games.. push pull push pull.. I know that game.. [url=http://www.oikos.org/knotsen1.htm]Knots by* Ronnie D. Laing[/url]

They are playing a game.

They are playing at not playing a game.

If I show them I see they are, I shall break the rules and they will punish me.

I must play their game, of not seeing I see the game. My mom was an alcoholic most of my life.. I was raised in her insanity.. as was my sister.. My sister still hates her.. I do not .. I have learned to forgive her.. No words.. Jackie page 19... Further Along the Road Less Traveled.. Scott Peck..

...So the myth is true. We really can not go back to Eden.. We must go

forward through the desert. But the journey is hard and consciousness

is often painful. And so most people stop their journey as quickly as

they can. They find what looks like a safe place, burrow into the

sand, and stay there rather than go forward through the painful

desert, which is filled with cactuses and thorns and sharp rocks..

Even if most people have been taught at one time or another that

"those things that hurt, instruct" (to borrow Benjamin Franklin's

phrase), the education of the desert is so painful they discontinue it

as early as they can..

Senility is not just a biological disorder. It can also be a

manifestation of a refusal to grow up, a psychological disorder

preventable by anyone who embarks on a lifetime pattern of

pyschospiritual growth. Those who stop learning and growing early in

their lives and stop changing and become fixed often lapse into what

is sometimes called their "second childhood". Then become whiny and

demanding and self-centered. But this isn't because they have entered

their second childhood. They have never left their first, and the

veneer of adulthood is worn thin, revealing the emotional child that

lurks underneath..

longingtimewaiting From a lurker....and one who has been in the same place as you are (keeping a secret from your home-grown children). This is not only your CHILD you are waiting to meet. It's knowledge of their SISTER you are withholding. Tell it longing. From expereience I know that young adults need some time to actually accept another sibling exists - the longer you leave it the harder it will be for you and the daughter you seek. For example - It's difficult for 20 yr olds to understand their birth-order has never been correct, and their parent was living a lie. And....my found bson was extremely hurt that I hadn't shared his presense with my children (Male 31yo and 29yo female at the time of reunion). He had to contend with two siblings who were still reeling from finally being told there was a half-brother and coming to terms with what that meant for them and me. Things were very strained for 18 months at least. I freely admit I was wrong not telling. At the time I thought it better to wait and see, but with hindsight, I was just protecting myself ....I'd held it secret for so long I didn't want to share what I thought was esentially my sin. Ann

It is behond the likes of me why people can put something that is not real before somebody that is real. It makes no sense to me at all how this can happen. If I were in your shoes I contact bmom if nothing else but to inform her you plan on making contact with sibling. In less than a hearbest I'd do that, let your sibling decide what she wants. Take care and the best of luck to you. I'm on your side. bprice215

You are adults you don't need her permission to meet.maybe with the truth finally out it will help set her free.....especially if she hears how happy you both are about getting to know each other.

Things are going great with my brother! He is actually coming to meet me in May - 16 days to be exact. I'm excited. We talk just about everyday, and slowly are coming to terms with what kind of relationship we want. B-mom knows we talk and is not to happy. In fact, she won't speak to either of us. Still can't deal with the secret. Her sister knows and has been a great help to both of us. We have found a lot of information out this past month...apparently there are at least 2 other children she gave up for adoption...one between the two of us, and one who would be the youngest. I don't think I have completely processed the information yet. I thought my search was finally over and I find myself praying that she has not done the same things to these children she has done to me. I know right now she is using me as a scapegoat for her problems with my brother, he's ok with me - it's all the lies and secrets and refusal to face the questions and problems he has a problem with. I would love to question her, but I am waiting, hoping he can repair their relationship first. I feel he has a lot at stake. Even if he doesn't realize it yet. I have a wonderful mom, she is all he has.

I just started reading posts and yours is from 2007 but I wanted to write. My story is similar to yours but even my birth siblings on my mother's side want nothing to do with me. My birth mother told me she didn't know who my father was. Birth grandmother said that even is she knew, she wouldn't tell me. My birth father found me 3 years ago. Turns out he had been looking for a very long time and bmom would not tell him where I was. I have no idea why. He and I have a good relationship and my b-sibs on his side are great. His wife has been wonderful too. I have no idea why bmom with held info. Don't give up on your father. You may find him. Never thought I would but he was buried in her lies. It was meant to be.

What a bmom says about or doesn't say about bdad can be many things. here is my list He forced her/rape, she can't face it, or doesn't want the adoptee to know how they came to be. He was married and she is ashamed. He left her when she told him and she thinks he will hurt the adoptee. He was the love of her life and she didn't tell him. In the last, she still loves the bdad, part of her doesn't want to share him. Part of her is afraid to find him or for you to find him. OR she just doesn't want to share the adoptee with anyone. As a bmom I know that could hurt. I missed so much and wish I could have it all. Not sharing is part of that. BUT I know that is bad for me and my son, so I shared and our relationship is great. I can't explain a bmom who doesn't want a relationship. Hugs

I found my birth mom and it was the biggest nightmare ever !!! She lives in Lumberton,NC and I brought her to Tampa,Fl to meet me paid for everything . She was here for 2 months and said to me I dont want to be around you anymore Ive known you long enough. I have to get back to men the important things in her life. Thank God I was adopted and went to the family I did. I turned out very well . I've cryed everyday since she left and I dont know why I love her so much. I dont understand myself right now . She give me up a second time . Now Im searching for my siblings . Hang in there I know what your going though. E/mail me if you need to talk at toni_allman@yahoo.com

I too am an adoptee who will probably never learn who my bmom or bdad are. The laws in N.C. have really screwed me over. I know that she was 15 and he was 17. That is about all I know. It is not that I don't love my amom...I really do. But, I have a lot of questions. I need those answers to close the whole in my sole!!!

Never is a long time. My son's birthfather is an adoptee. He and his brother Mike were adopted out of an orphange in the 1930/40s. Mike, the brother became a searcher in the early 60s before computers. He found the birth mother of a woman who had been left of the steps of a church in the town next to where the adoptee had been born. The adoptee was a home birth in the late 1930s. He went to the state on his vacations, went through records by hand. Found the towns doc from the that year. The doc had passed away. But all the records were in the garage and the widow let Mike search them. Mike found one young girl, who had a baby but there was never any other mention in the record of her baby/child, and no death record for the baby either. He found the woman, spoke to her and found she was the brith mother. This did take years to do, as he never had more then a week at a time to search records. Reading each and every record in the court houses was long and dusty work. Now we have adoption sites, some free some pay, that collect information and match people up. ISRR international reunion registry asks for but does not require a donation. I personally know a birthmother and daughter who were reunited through them. Register There are searchers here that can help too