adopted, adoptive, or just son or daughter

Just plain "Mom" here. We (hopefully!) will be in the same situation you are in when ds comes home. He and dd are 6 months apart. I plan to say "They are 6 months apart" and let people scratch their heads. Dh and I were in a baby store a while back talking to a woman at the counter and birth weights came up. Dh and I are not small people and dd was 5.5 lbs when she was born. When I told them they asked if she was a preemie. I just said "no" and let them wonder. I don't ever offer any explanation to anyone who doesn't ask. People say she looks like us...We say "thank you!" Someone asked the other day whose hair she has and I said "Honestly, I don't know." and he said "I think she has yours." to which I replied "Do you think so?" If someone says "Did you adopt her?" (heard this twice yesterday when I dropped by my former workplace and they only asked because she is 8 months old and they saw me in December and all last year) or (this was a nice one...) "Is she mixed?" I always reply "My daughter is Guatemalan." It is my belief that this is my daughter and a wonderful woman in Guatemalan was loving enough to give birth to her. I believe that the child you are meant to parent comes to you, whether by birth or adoption. This is what God planned for me and I am so blessed!

We were always just Mom and Dad, too. Our kids didn't match us, so the fact of their adoptions was obvious.I am always taken aback when introductions are made and the parents say, "this is my daughter XX, this is my son XX, and this is my adopted son XX." We never had kids by birth so maybe I'm missing something, but it just seems odd to me to make introductions that way, setting the adopted child apart with the 'adopted' label. That just seems wrong to me.Parents who brag about having adopted their child, implying it somehow makes the parents somebody special, set my teeth on edge, too. Sometimes it's like they think they should be given kudos for it or something.The worst remark ever made to me by another adoptive parent, while discussing our children's origins, was after we had adopted the last five who were black and from the US. We also had two Korean daughters and one from Brazil. The woman asked me, "Couldn't you afford to adopt from Korea again?" That question was just so wrong on so many levels, and I was caught so off guard I couldn't even come up with a good response. Until that moment, I was so naive I hadn't even realized there was a hierarchy in adoption. At that time, Korea was the 'Cadillac of adoption.' Stupid us, we had just wanted to adopt some kids and picked Korea because it was easy in our state, not because it was some kind of elite thing.It's amazing what a person learns over a lifetime of dealing with other people.

I don't like the term "adoptive mom" because I don't use the term "this is my adoptive daughter". I say she WAS adopted. That is how she came to us now an ongoing characteristic of who she is. I don't introduce my bio kids as "this is my vaginal delivery daughter/son".

I do know what you mean. I certainly don't fess up to perfect strangers but telling people we know they are adopted has been pretty easy and I like them hearing us say it. I don't say, "Here's our adopted sons and daughter" but when asked a specific question about their birth, I do say "They are adopted." As far as being called an adoptive parent, honestly, there aren't too many context in which it needs to be used. I don't like the term either but technically, that's what we are. I can't imagine someone saying "Oh, their the adoptive parents to _____", you know? That wouldn't make sense, since we are their parents not "adoptive" just like they are our children not "adopted children", right?

I was just thinking, are you familiar with the term "Irish twins?" (2 children born within 12 months.) In this day and age of divorce and remarriage (and living together without marriage), there are often 2 children of the same age living in the same household (so-called blended families). Somehow people like to unravel relationships that are none of their business. I remember a family when I was teaching: dad was African American, mom was white; it was a second marriage for both of them and the children were yours, mine and ours. I remember the day Jill (the 3rd grader) was called into the office to be told that her mom had given to sibling number 13. Her comment was "They can't call us the dirty dozen anymore." All that said, your children are your children however you create your family. You are their mothers, they are your children...

In our case, it's pretty obvious that Maya is adopted - she's Cambodian and looks it - waist length black hair, black eyes, dark skin, round face - you get the picture. I look northern European - blond hair, very fair skin, green eyes. I always thought it was pretty obvious - but it wasn't to a woman that Maya and I ran into the in the grocery store one evening. Maya was still small enough to be sitting in the cart, and this woman walked up to us and said "She's Beautiful!" Me: "Why, thank you!" Woman "You make beautiful babies! You should make lots more if they're going to look like her!" Apparently she skipped biology the day they discussed basic genetics! I have often found myself saying something like "Joe was born in Colombia." or "Maya is Cambodian by birth". Some people figure it out, but others walk away kind of scratching their head trying to figure out how that could be!

Blah! Everyone has an opinion. I however feel the security of saying MY SON and MY DAUGHTER. We adopted a teenager so he already knew his biological family. My personal suggestion is that they ARE your children now. My (adopted)son will tell us.. " I AM YOUR SON" he is proud of the fact he has a mom and dad. He doesn't like the lable of (adopted). He even chose his own adoptive name, keeping the first name of James his biological mother gave him. He is going to be 17 next month.. Some will feel differently. But I would say drop the adopted.

I think I love you :thankyou: My MIL still to this day introduces my dh as her 'adopted son'. She's caucasian, he's Metis. She will then launch into his adoption story to anyone, anytime, any place. I'm talking cashiers at the grocery store kind of anyone. Things really came to a head when I was pg with our son. I had 2 children prior to our marriage, so this would be my dh's first bio child. She thanked me for 'finally making C a REAL Dad!' I lost it. Dh called her back and lost it too...pointing out that he'd been Dad from our wedding day, and that if genetics was that important to her, she wasn't actually Mom or Gma to anyone.:hissy: Interesting to note, that as much as she'll intro dh as her adoptive son, or try to intro the older children as 'Melissa's ds/dd' (which my dh put a stop to) she's never made that distinction with the littles...they're her grandchildren, not 'my adopted son's children'...I wonder if its because they don't look like dh in colouring.

We have only had our DD for 4 months. People assume she is ours by birth because she looks just like our son looked when he was a baby. I will not introduce her as my adopted D. She is my daughter, just as my son is my son. I think that when parents label kids, it may make them feel like they are not really part of the family. I never want my daughter feeling she is not as special as my son because she was not born to me, and I don't want my son not to feel special because we were "stuck" with him but we chose her.

It is hard for me to remember that I did not give birth to them. I know I did not, but it is not an everyday thought. Many knew we were in the process of adopting, so I do answer basic questions about it such as how old were they when they were placed, was is hard. I love to explain the adoption process and open adoption. Happy123

I would love to know what the children say when friends ask if they are twins. Our foster (and hopefully soon to be adoptive) daughter and bio son are 1 month apart. They will both be 5 by the end of the year. I know that it is my fd's story to tell if she choses, but what should my bs say when asked? I have no problem telling people to 'mind their own beeswax' if they are pushy for details, but am curious how I should encourage the children to answer.

This makes me feel better that some of you have adopted kids close in age. Athena's new brother will be about 4 months younger if this adoption goes through. We read that it's bad to do "artificial twinning" on the internet but we aren't about to back out now. It's just nice to hear that there are others who have done it successfully. Thanks for posting! The other day in bath and body works an african american woman told me, "she is precious! Is she really yours?" to which I took pleasure in saying "yes! she's really mine." and she kept asking me in slightly different ways for about 5 minutes, no is she REALLY your own. I was laughing to myself. I stopped telling people that she was adopted although I feel a little uncomfortable when they say "wow you look great for just having had a baby!" Anyway I agree with the other posters here. And Kathy, the picture is priceless! Soo cute.

I have found articles on artificial twinning mostly unhelpful and inapplicable to my situation. I don't know that there is truly ANY comprehensive study on the effects of artificial twinning. Every article I've seen ultimately references the OPINIONS of adoption professionals. I'm not knocking them. But it's not the same as a scientifically based study. And ultimately, the advice is much the same that you would give any parent. Treat your children as individuals. Respect their different personalities and skills. Be attuned to their needs developmentally and emotionally. It certainly is challenging adding multiple new family members within a few weeks or months (which is not actually the case for many "artificial twins" of course). But it definitely can be done. I'm also interested in any responses for biblemom's question. It will certainly be interesting to see how things play out when my boys are older. Older DS is actually very small for his age and younger DS is quite big for his age (they weighed about the same when DS1 was 8 months and DS2 was 4 months!). So I don't think they'll be mistaken for twins much longer. But I'm sure people will assume DS2 is older. The way their birthdays work out, DS1 should actually start school a year ahead of DS2. So . . . interesting. We'll have to see what happens! :arrow:

For what it's worth, my sister and I are exactly 13 months different in age. Because she was a big baby and I wasn't, we were often taken for twins. As we got older, some people assumed she was the older, I guess because she was taller. We worked at the same hospital during the summers when we were in college. I thought I was going to have to bring in our birth certificates to prove our respective ages to some of the staff. Now I just enjoy having people think she's older.

Oh funny. :) My mom has nearly always been smaller than her sister also (who is 12 months younger). It irritated my mom because she had to live with hand-me-downs from her younger sister! (So I'm careful not to do that with my boys :))