Reunion...6 months later she moves in

Hi guys, I'm a bmom and when I first read the post I thought "ouch" as I interpreted the same way but I read it again and I think IBF is right - IMO I don't think Scorpio66 intended it to be offensive but it does give me pause in the future to make sure I am careful in wording my posts. My situation is so different, and I'm not sure how I would handle it, but I think I'm the kind of person that would do the right thing for my child (as it seems Scorpio is doing) and maybe that would allow the adad time and space to work out his emotions. It sounds like your bdaughter is making progress and 6 months isn't a long time. I wish you well and I'm sorry I can't offer any more advice.

Hi. Birthmum in reunion here. I look at your situation as a HUGE priviledge. To have the oppurtunity to mother your bdaughter...wow! I dont know of anyone else in your situation...but there surely is someone where. The situation in which your daughter has found herself must be gut wrenching for her. To lose her amum, and then to be seemingly tossed aside by birthdad will have sooooo many ramifications for her. Maybe after some time out her adad will want to come back into the picture, but maybe not. I almost feel envious, I fantasize about this scenario, although of course not wishing the other losses that have occurred for you both to be in this situation. Keep loving her Scorpio, along with acceptance this is what she needs most. The fact that she has been allowed to move in with you is a huge forward step for you and her. No it wont be easy, but check out some of the posts from bmums crying inside and just waiting for the tiniest scrap of communication from their lost children.And of course vice versa!!! Chin up, look at the positives and you will be successful. Keep posting...would love to hear how you are getting On. Susie

Hugs Scorpio. I am sorry that you have been placed in an awkward situation. While on the outside it may appear to be an ideal situation for some, reclaiming the opportunity to parent, I am sure it is complicated far beyond what I can begin to imagine, as I have never been in your shoes. I am sorry that you came for support and were criticized.The way I read your post was not that your bdaughter was "a problem" but that you felt very little support from her afamily and were all of a sudden thrust into the Mother role, which I think would throw a lot of us Bmoms for a loop, especially after I know many of us spend years trying to reconcile the fact that we will never get the opportunity to parent our placed children.I wish I could give you some kind words of advice, but I am a long ways off from reunion, however, I can give you support.Please keep us updated. (((Hugs)))

I am not a Bmother but I imagine it has to be very difficult to take in this precious child. The one you prayed for, dreamed about, thought about, and NEVER EVER stopped loving. Then, realizing your dreams for her were not met by her parents. I imagine you have to let go of the dream and embrace reality. I would guess since her amom died when she was just 9, then yes, she has a lot of issues, if her dad was not able to step up and be a healthy parent for her.I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. I believe it is probably hard on her, too. I would think she probably feels rejected by her adad.((((((scorpio))))))

Hi Scorpio! I remember your story from earlier in the year, and I know it's been quite a rollercoaster of a reunion. I just wanted to throw out my support, and wishes that your daughter is healthy and gets the support she needs from those who love her, whether it be from her birth family or her adoptive family. Please keep us updated! Thanks for coming back and sharing :)

It Takes A Village to Raise a Child. I tried to find more on this proverb.. Or very wise group of words.. but my search just went in circles.. Some say its an old African proverb and others say.. its not.. But (always the but) you are in a position to help your birthdaughter and you are not being given guilt over it.. She needs help.. that is the bottom line to me.. I gave my son up in the closed era.. I used to think (in my journey of learning how to give a child up for adoption) that if we were in a tribe I could give my son over to someone in the tribe or a couple and I could then watch him to make sure he was okay.. She is okay from your words (above) what could be better than that.. Extending myself for my kids is such a lesson for me.. my grown up kids.. They made it so easy for me to give my son up for adoption in the sixties.. so incredibly easy.. I know now it does not work that way.. Jackie

First of all, I am apologetic to anyone who was offended by my post, or the words therein. I think for those of you who are offended, you are not understanding that I am not upset in the least that Michelle is in my life, exactly the opposite. I am disappointed that adad has been so quick to throw this child at me and is so ready to just not be any kind of a parent. When I signed those papers relinquishing her all those years ago, the judge kept reiterating that this was a final and irrevocable decision and that I could NEVER EVER change my mind, now within 9 months of having this child back in my life, I have become "Mom" and she is now no different in my eyes than the 14 year old son I have raised, except that for 19 years I knew absolutely nothing about her life. We have developed a bond in the past 9 months that I know will never be broken and will only grow stronger in time. While I am elated about this and I love Michelle with all my heart, it is very daunting some days, because for all those years, I had convinced myself that I would never be a "Mother" to this child and had geared my mindset that if/when reunion took place I would not get my hopes up about having such a connection. Mind you, Michelle would not be offended by those words, as she is the one who told me that adad is "dumping" his problem of her on me. If you had read any of my other threads from late last year, earlier this year, you would know that because adad let this child have unlimited access to money (she was spending $1000.00 USD per week or more), which she spent on cocaine for herself and the loser boyfriend she had then and that I had to take her out of state to get her checked into a rehab program one month after our first meeting in 19 years, because adad just "didn't have it in him", maybe you would be a little less critical and less offended. She herself told me that she feels very ashamed of adad and how he has just written her off because he now has someone who is willing to step up to the plate and help her. She is very happy that I am willing to work with her but thinks adad's responses to everything have been very inappropriate. She has told me that her whole life, unless there is some problem with money, he really has nothing to say to her, and the longer I am involved with this situation, the more I see that she has hit the nail on the head. It is very sad that their relationship has grown into what it is, but I had nothing to do with that, as I just met the two of them 9 months ago. Adad doesn't see that he must also change if their relationship is to change, he thinks only she has to change. Sad that he is so narrow minded. I do not consider Michelle a "problem", having her in my life has just presented the opportunity to help her overcome the challenges she must face in this life. Unfortunately, many of the challenges she faces are because of adad's lack of parenting skills. He has enabled her to become totally nonself-sufficient, he has never made her clean her room or do her laundry, as the maid has always done that, she has never had to work and yet has more money to spend than most adults twice her age who work full time jobs. On the flip side, I am ecstatic that I have the opportunity to be "Mom" to Michelle. She is an intelligent, friendly, creative, insightful young woman who is more like me than any person I have ever known. She realizes that she has made some bad choices in the past and is working very hard to make up for the time she lost while she was in the throws of cocaine abuse, but she also knows that she needs help and is crying inside because adad just won't do anything to help, unless the help means throwing money at the situation. She has come to see my family as the stable base that she needs and is drawing on our strength and guidance to help herself. Please understand that I was only looking to see if anyone else out there has experienced anything remotely similar, as some days, I truly feel that there is no one out there who has had to deal with such huge changes within such a short time after reunion. My whole outlook on having a relationship with Michelle for 19 years was way off base from the way things have worked out. Considering the fact that I had a nice little life prior to our reunion and in no way anticipated that she would become such a major part of that life has been stressful for all involved. My husband has accepted this child unconditionally, as have I, and my son is thrilled to have a siblling, as is Michelle, it has been a HUGE change for all of us.

(((SCORPIO))) Your love for her and the love and support of your family will certainly help you through these trying times. I am so sorry that the adad can't be the dad a girl needs. Your DD is very lucky to have your DH's unconditional love and support to help her get back on track. I wish I had some advice, but I don't. My DD is 19 also and she is busy with college and friends and doesn't have time to give a meeting a second thought. I do have lots of ((((HUGS)))) and support and encouragement for you!!!!!

Scorpio66 - I only wish that I had half the strenght as you. God bless you for taking her in and showing her what it means to be a true parent, no disrespect to her adad, I'm sure he did his best under the circumstances. I know many parents of non-adopted children who feel that if they throw enough money at their children that everything will work out. You should stand proud of you, your husband and son for accepting her in and helping her find her way. It is difficult to truly understand one's plight by reading the posts on the forum. I am not in your position and I apologize if I made you feel anything but proud of yourself. Your daughter is lucky to have you and your family to lean on.(((hugs)))

Scorpio, I've known for several days now that I should step forward and post on this thread. But I've been putting it off because I haven't wanted to deal with all the memories this topic is bringing up for me. I'm still not quite ready to post all my feelings and experiences with this subject, but I'd like to just let you know that you are definitely NOT the first birth mother this has happened to. No, you are not alone. I reunited with my son almost 18 years ago, shortly after he turned 18 years old. Like your daughter, he was a troubled young man. His parents were at their wits' end about what to do with him. He had severe behavioral problems, including ADHD, throughout most of his adolescence. They placed him in a psychiatric hospital when he was 14, and he drifted between the psych ward and group homes until he was 18. What I did not know at the time of our initial reunion was that my son was heavily into drugs, namely crystal methamphetamine. I don't know if you are familiar with 'crystal' or 'meth', but let me tell you, it is one of the most deadly and destructive (not to mention addictive) drugs in existence, IMHO. His adoptive parents, likewise, had no clue that he was abusing crystal meth. After we reunited, his folks let him move back into their home for the first time in four years. And everything hit the fan.... His drug abuse spiraled out of control, and he became obnoxious, cold, angry, and, yes, dangerous. His parents were scared of him ~ I was scared of him. At this point, his parents pretty much threw in the towel. They told him if he wanted any help, he should ask me for it and quit bothering them. To make a long story short, I put him into rehab, but I don't think he was serious about wanting to become clean and sober. He wouldn't go to any 12-Step meetings after his release, and he always went back to his drug of choice. He finally "bottomed out", but we came pretty darn close to losing him before that happened. At that point, he entered a residential treatment program (that he found all on his own) where he lived for over a year. And, thank God, he has been clean now for about 12 years. Meanwhile, his parents took out a 3-year restraining order on him after he entered the long-term treatment program. I've never quite understood why they chose to sever ties with him at that exact moment. I know that this kid put them thru hell for years, but why get a restraining order after he entered the rehab and not before?? During this 3-year period, my son and I became very close, and I did a lot of "mothering" with him. His adoptive parents did open up their hearts to him once again after the 3 years were up. As far as I know, they have a good relationship now. One thing I'd like to caution you about is being angry with your daughter's a-dad. You are only hearing things from her point of view, not his. My son loved to play his a-parents against me, and vice-versa. Sometimes, I thought he was 'bad-mouthing' them to me in an attempt to 'align' himself with me, as if that would improve our relationship. I always took everything with a grain of salt, though. It must have been so hard for your daughter's a-dad to raise her all alone after his wife died. It's hard for any man to raise a daughter by himself after losing his wife. And it sounds like your daughter was probably a 'handful'. Can you honestly blame him for maybe feeling some relief when you came back into her life? I would also be careful in regard to manipulation. Troubled kids, whether adopted or raised, are often manipulative. Especially in cases where substance abuse is involved. I would also not be surprised if your relationship with your daughter gets a bit rocky in a few months. You didn't say how long she has been living with you. If it's only been for several months, you may very well still be in a 'honeymoon' stage with each other. She may start 'testing' you soon. There is one final point I'd like to make. You said in your original post, "he is perfectly happy to go his own way and let me "fix" all the things about my daughter that he has "broken" over the past 10 years." Please don't give into the temptation to blame her a-father for all her problems. I'm sure he didn't set out to "break" your daughter. Parents, and I mean ALL parents not just adoptive ones', get a bad rap these days if their children are out of control. There does come a point where even teenagers have to take some responsibility for their behavior and actions. On a personal note, if you are like me, you may be feeling anger and guilt because the "fantasy" life you were promised by the adoption agency didn't work out the way you dreamed it would. Be careful that you aren't displacing or projecting those feelings onto her adoptive father.

I truly appreciate all the support I have received here and would like to acknowledge that yes, I am a bit angry with the adad. I have spoken with him many times and am not just hearing her side of the story. I have actually gone to HIS therapist with him, which is where he admitted that he has little or no desire to work with her to became the adult she is capable of becoming and that he is perfectly happy to let me do it. I have also had contact with many members of both his family and the amom's family who have all told me that he spoiled her rotten, against all of their advice and guidance. He has told me that he realizes his treatment of her may have had quite a bit to do with the situation in which she found herself, but he is too old and too tired to change and if she wants him to change, that is just too bad, because he doesn't feel that he should have to change. I have been able to work with the two of them and at least they are getting together every once in a while to have either lunch or dinner, but she is not extremely satisfied with the results, as she feels that he keeps everything very superficial, when she is looking to add some substance to their relationship. He on the other hand feels that just because they are spending bits of time together that everything is OK again. Every suggestion that has been made to him by me, her, his therpaist, his family or his girlfriend seems to fall on deaf ears if it requires any real work on his part. I feel almost as sorry for him as I do for her. I have gained from conversations with him that he thought the job of being a parent was completely over once the child graduated from High School, regardless of how well they had been taught to be self-sufficient. It is almost like he expects that she should have woken up one morning and all of a sudden by nothing other than the grace of god should magically possess all the skill sets and tools she will need to carry her through the rest of her life. He failed in the way that he never truly took on the role of being a responsible parent be telling this child "No". All children truly want someone to set boudaries and discipline them when necessary, this is where he failed as a parent and this is what I mean by he has 'broken" her. Now he expects me to teach her how to do laundry, budget herself with a reasonable amount of money, keep her room clean, particiapte in family chores, as well as motivate her to get a job. It is difficult, when he has provided no substantial background for her to draw on. I have found myself explaining to her that if she is to learn how to be/do all these things, she must first unlearn the things she has done so far. She picks up very quickly, but it would have been nice if she and I did not have to work through all these inadequacies brought on by his lack of parenting. This is the part about the whole situation that daunts me most days. Trust me, the manipulations have already begun, but keep in mind, I too was manipulator at her age and have headed her off at the pass every time so far. She also admits that it is her fault and only her fault for making bad choices. My problem with adad is not that she became a drug abuser, but that he has never done anything to impose any kind of boundaries, and was perfectly happy to live in denial and enable her in such a way that she had the financial resources to make the poor choices. She has been clean and sober for almost 8 months now and has no desire to go back to that world. She is back in College this semester and is home (at my house) most evenings doing her homework. While I am truly disappointed in the way things have turned out for her relationship with her adad, I am also truly thankful that I could be there to help her and that she was willing to accept my help. Raven, I am so sorry to hear that you too experienced the sadness of finding your child only to discover that he had a major drug issue. I am all too aware of the dangers of meth and thank go every day that my daughter never found her way into that particular drug. I am also thanking god for you that he has managed to stay clean for many years now, as I know from many people I have known that it can be quite a struggle to come back from that type of situation and get it back together. I am hopeful that at some point Michelle and her adad will be able to repair the damage that has been done to their relationship, as he is the only person this child has known her entire life. Thanks again for all the support and thanks to those of you who have sent kind words.

EZ2Luv and Wilted Rose I find it strange that you find it offensive. Her posts show insight and as you have already admitted, you haven't experienced strained relations within the afamily. Others have, so why not regard the post as insight? I think that Scorpio66 is an amazing woman and incredible mother and I have been in touch privately with her and I am overcome and encouraged with my own situation, with the amount of strength she has infused into her daughter and put into her relationship with her. Please don't be so quick to shoot from the hip as offensive when it seems to me that you possibly haven't really followed what she has been through. Neither have you possibly been through the trauma that her reunion has brought (as it has me too). She is one amazing woman and deserves all the support she can get.

Scorp - I just wanted to send you my support. Rock on girlfriend. Also - as I read your original post. I did not find it offensive. I think the unfortunate thing about the internet and ability to read others' written thoughts is they are not always interpreted as originally meant. Anyone can take offense in any message. I think if your daughter read your original post, she would not be offended because she knows the love in your life. Best wishes to you!!!!:loveyou:

Jannyroo,You're quoting another poster and addressing me with their post. As per my post, and I have expressed this to the OP, I take no offense to her situation, and have wished her and her bdaughter well. In fact, I personally have had experiences more than what one would deem strained with afamily, ironic? I do however stand by my offense to OP's choice of wording ex. dumping. RegardsRose

Hi Wilted Rose,Your message on page 1 said this: and I was referring to my being surprised at both of you taking offense. You took offense at one thing, the other took another angle. Whatever. It still left me surprised. If you changed tack later, you didn't express it on this thread. I was responding to the post you made as quoted above.