Let's talk about pain, contact & reunion...

I'd like to hear from all triad members who experienced pain with contact & reunion. What was behind the pain, and how did it manifest itself? What was your reaction to your pain? What was the intensity, and how long did it linger? I have been in reunion with my birthdaughter for 4 1/2 years and am realizing that we are both in a bit of a "pullback" stage at present. The first year was truly euphoric, with lots of contact - visits and emails. However during that time I was troubled by the fact that I wasn't able to really feel the same kind of love for her that I did with the children I had raised. It seemed that I felt numb. I was very concerned about her feelings, her pain, and not wanting to cause her any more pain. And I was feeling self critical - nothing new about that. It has just been recently that I've been able to look back over the past 4 years and realize all the pain I was feeling. When I first found out I was pregnant, I went to the school counsellor - I was in boarding school. The counsellor basically looked after the whole thing, including that the baby would be placed for adoption. Once the school year ended, she had me placed me in a home where I babysat and housecleaned. During the last month or so, I was sent to an unwed mother's home to await delivery. I was shocked (and terrified) when I found out I was pregnant. Once the plans were made, I just became a robot until the whole thing was over. I completely buried any feelings about the baby. I could not even think "my baby". So 38 years later when I registered online and matched up with my birthdaughter within five minutes, I was totally unprepared for what feelings might arise. The euphoria was natural - I was very happy to be reunited with a lovely young woman, happily married with three children. She was enjoying a good life. But now to get to the pain. I began drowning in this pain, and didn't even realize what was happening. The pain was the buried feelings and emotions finally arising. The anger against my parents, the anger against the injustice of getting pregnant, the pain of childbirth, scars on my breasts and bottom - my body was ruined before I was even 20 years old, the shame I felt for being an unwed mother. But the deepest pain was the feelings of loss and grief that I had never mourned. And now, meeting my daughter, the loss of really knowing her was huge and the remorse and guilt of leaving this vulnerable little baby - I felt like a monster. Who could do this. I always thought I was the kind of person who could not push a button and hide away negative feelings, but I sure did a good job of completely burying the thoughts and emotions surrounding that time of my life - but it was there all the time. Although the feelings of euphoria during the initial stage of reunion were very real, the painful feelings were also real and I am now acknowledging them. I don't feel numb towards my birthdaughter and her children anymore - I have warm feelings in my heart about them all. But I do feel somewhat cautious - maybe not cautious, but emotionally exhausted. And I do feel misunderstood. Two people in reunion are certainly coming at it from completely different viewpoints, with different sources of pain and grief. It's truly a wonder that reunions are successful at all. Sheila

Sheila, I suspect emotional exhaustion is probably a good description. Please remember that grief has many stages. Denial is often the first stage. As you found, many of us are very good at denying what has happened to us. (I was in denial about my pregnancy for 6 months... I kept thinking I'll get my period soon, LOL) Other stages include anger, blaming, depression, acceptance. No one moves through the "stages" in the same way. I have found since my reunion that issues I thought were resolved years ago came to the surface. It's definitely an interesting personal journey. None of us can ever completely understand another's experience. You and I are both "birth mothers" who placed their children for adoption, but we had totally different experiences. I had far more control over my situation than you did and therefore placed most of the blame on myself. That's one difference. (There are others...) The point is we all experience adoption differently to some extent. It's easy to believe "my pain is worse than your pain," especially when we're on different sides of the triad... I have walked at least partially in your shoes; I have not had to struggle with the problems and pain of infertility so I don't have experience with how some adoptive parents feel. I'm not adopted myself (although I have my own emotional issues with my mom) so I have not experienced the pain of abandonment many adoptees deal with. All any of us can try to do is recognize that we are not the only ones in pain. Sometimes that's hard to remember that the other is also in pain too. (Or we do the, "my pain's worse than you pain" game.) I believe that the best thing we can do for each other is to become as emotionally healthy as we ourselves can be.

Observation? Hey..do you read posts and then realise that reunion with sons is so different? When I first met my bson there were 4 or 5 other bmoms reunited about the same time and we were all "floundering" with how little they responded - how they found it hard to relate to what was happening; how they seemed disconnected from their feelings, and how so often anger was displayed. We decided that these young men had to make themselves tough; had to believe that adoption didn't make a real impact on their lives. And sometimes.....their hidden anger just made it too hard to continue. ((Hugs)) to all of you. I think your support for each other is wonderful. Ann

My son and my father (now 80) are angry individuals. My father has hugged his pain and grievances with his ex wifes family (my mum's) for over 50 years. He won't let go. My son is so much like him in a variety of ways, that it scares me. Both similar emotional makeup. Yeh, I'm feeling this very much at the moment. Its too hard to continue.

Hi Susan, This is a very new road for me and I came to this sight hoping for some insights. I gave my son up for adoption at birth. I was attempting to seperate from my abusive boyfriend and already had a 4 yr old with him. I gave Isaiah up to a vegan family who lived on Maui. I ended up returning to the abusive boyfriend and having another daughter. so I have an 18 yr old daughter, a 13 yr old son who lived with his adoptive parents until Friday, then came to live with me. and an 8 yr old daughter. They are all from the same father. I divorced their father, received domestic violence counseling and now live with my Mother raising the kids essentially without the father. ( I have sole custody) I know I gave up Isaiah for the right reasons. He needed a stable and loving home and he received that. The adoptive father passed away several years ago.The adoptive Mom has been raising Isaiah on her own these last several years. I reunited with Isaiah this past April. I went to Maui and took Isaiah with me for several days. Then Isaiah came here to stay for a month in the summer. He returned home and just a couple weeks ago the adoptive mom called and said Isaiah wanted to come live with me. She was overwhelmed and hadn't been able to work and she felt it was best he came to live with me. I welcome him, and it's a dream come true, but sitting here I know that this is a life changing event and I want to be as aware as possible. I am reading through the stories and am struck by all the ways life leads us. I know every story is unique and I feel as if I have hit the jackpot with all this information out there. My son is gorgeous.

(((Janet))) I just cannot even imagine what you are feeling! Welcome to the forums... you'll find a lot of support here. There is a book group starting in the adult adoptee support forum, and the first book is "Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier. Some people believe that the book is too much for nmoms, but for me, I like to face things head-on... how else am I able to deal with things? How are things going so far? Must be big changes for your daughters, as well. I've been looking for information on sibling reunions, but have not come across much. Perhaps others will have some recommendations. Please post again, Janet... In the meanwhile, hugs for your family... :grouphug: With love and support, Susan :flowergift:

[quote=Jannyroo]My son and my father (now 80) are angry individuals. My father has hugged his pain and grievances with his ex wifes family (my mum's) for over 50 years. He won't let go. My son is so much like him in a variety of ways, that it scares me. Both similar emotional makeup. quote] Wow, Janny, sounds like they're related! lol D hasn't expressed much in the line of emotion (come to think of it, that's like my dad too, LOL). I often wonder what he really is thinking. (And when I read stories like yours, I find myself waiting for the shoe to drop.) Janet, may God be with you as you embark on this new chapter of the adoption journey.

Hi Susan,I'm very interested in following the book group - I looked in the adult adoptee support forum, but couldn't find it, can you tell me where it is? Thanks. Jannyroop.s. like you, I like to face things head on, but I have to admit, the Primal Wound sent me into tailspin. Saying that, it was worth putting my pain to one side and concentrating on what my son is going/has been going through so that I could make the right approaches in reunion/right 'strokes' if you get what I mean.

Here's the link to the book group... it's in Adult Adoptees Forum, Adoptee Support: [url]http://forums.adoption.com/adoptee-support/315874-bookclub-primal-wound.html[/url] They're working on Chapter 1 right now, and plan to move on to Chapter 2 at the end of the week. Peace, Susan :flowergift:

Wow Janet. Congratulations!! You'll have to keep us posted.

[FONT="Century Gothic"][/FONT]I'm 21/2 yrs into this reunion. Had my first visit w/ my son this past summer, how amazing...he visited us at our home... So much of that was wonderful, and I felt so much love, joy, amazement, peace, gratitude. Some pain as he asked some of the tough questions I'd hoped he would ask, but that was good. He and I really connected in a loving fun way. WOW! The day he left, however, was so difficult, far more painful than I realized it would be and then far more than I thought it should..? I cried so much, and I was broadsided by the grief I thought I didn't have. When I'd given my son up 27 years ago I knew it was right, put my make up on, got on with my day, and had no regrets. He was better off without me. Fast forward to his leaving our home this summer, on a good note mind you, and I'm a wreck. The connection I'd felt with him when he was here, well, it was Tribal, it was Energetic. When he left I felt like I had literally been ripped up, torn, and I ached in every cell of my body. Then, Kapow! My spouse had a meltdown, some of our issues that had been floating around(previously addressed by us, but obviously not enough) came flying out and it's been grueling ever since. Got insanely jealous, said viscous things to me for many weeks, then tried to say that since had been supportive of my process for 10 years, the only thing different was that I gave birth and that's not much, so my son is pretty much as much hers as mine. While I initially had one of the most profound, joyous experiences of my life, one I'd worked for so much in terms of my emotional process I discovered the buried grief and loss. The intensity did not fade much as I worked to understand it in counceling and writing, but the gained insights prevented my from doing some things I'd have regretted. So, that was good. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my relationship hell continued full speed ahead, flames everywhere. An important piece we were reminded of: the birthson is not the issue, just the spark, or catalyst. So we chip away at it all, it's difficult. In the meantime, my griefs intensity does not fade, my longing for bson continues undiminished, and I keep trying to understand why I feel like this now, when I've never before. Can we say intense? Can we say, just as hard, possibly harder than the relinquishing process when bson was a baby(who I'd had w/me for almost 2 years)? Then, I make an extremely difficult decision. Despite the fallout at home, I must visit bson ALONE, I must see him, touch him, look upon him again and I must do this ALONE, w/no one else there, no time constraints etc. In light of how my partner was acting and what she was going through I could not trust that I would be trusted and left with the alone time I needed. I was tired of having to justify it, explain it. If I don't, this tare in me won't heal, the grief will not recede, and I won't be able to continue w/ my life. My partner doesn't understand, feels pushed out, abandoned. I decide this knowing my relationship may also be wrecked in the process. But I persist, it's that important, grieving all the while for the difficulties we're having, and the potential loss of my Beloved. Therapy continues. The light at the end of the tunnel is probably a train, maybe that won't be so bad compared to this.I visit my son. I want to shout his name from the rooftops! No, I don't though, instead we have a pretty good visit and the best thing is it helped repair the rip I had inside. It was like stitching it up. Phew. The grief receded, or was transformed, allowed to change into some other substance. We continue to struggle at home. :hissy: Has any other BMother-FirstMother had this happen? :confused: Should I start a separate thread, I'd like to hear from others about how reunion effects relationships. This thread has been amazing, your stories are all so powerful, especially on top of the fact that they highlight only small peices of the complexities you've shared over these past years... I've tried to be brief, but there are many elements. Thanks

I hear you, and am so sorry for your pain. My relationship with my older brother (he's 57, I'm 55) seemed to be fairly decent, considering the many differences we have between us, including geographic. Last year he was talking about putting together a family newsletter. This year, when I told him that I found my son, it appears that he couldn't care less. However, his oldest son flew half-way across the US to meet my son. My aunt emailed pictures to my brother... pictures that included his own son. I've heard nothing from him. However, my nephew shared stories with me about his dad... it appears that my brother has excluded his own children from his life as well (he divorced, remarried and has a second family now). After talking to my ex-sister-in-law (we are still friends), I think my brother is dealing with some guilt of his own. It appears that my brother will push people out of his life rather than confront his own emotions. It is sad, and I love my brother, but I cannot fix him. I can understand, though, that this is probably not about me personally... but, reunion can be a catalyst for pain in others that has not been tended to. Other than couple's counselling, I do not know that I can offer anything for you, Yarrow. Except to know that it is a painful situation, but it may not be about you or your son. It may be about emotions that your partner has buried and is having a hard time coming to terms with or sharing with you. I hope things get better for you and your partner, Yarrow. Peace, Susan :flowergift:

Hi Yarrow, How sad that your joy with your son is complicated by and has complicated your relationship with your partner. I hope the counseling helps. I think your question would be good as its own thread to explore your question about how reunion affects relationships with our partners and others. I have found that my reunion, while very good, has brought pain with it. I call it bittersweet. What have I found is that holding my birthson's son often brings tears; I think because I missed that experience with his father.

Anyone heard from Yarrow recently? I was wondering how she is getting on but she hasn't been online since November. Ann

Ann, I have not heard from Yarrow since her post on this thread. I wonder how she is doing as well.Susan