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I'm just wondering if anyone from the adoption era of closed adoptions is in this group.
I know my incesent questions are probably driving you nutty here. I appologize for that. But just want a question to anyone here who adopted a child in the 70's or earlier or up until closed adoptions were no longer a "normal" way to adopt.
If so, is anyone here dealing with reunions of your child with their birthmother?
I'm just curious about your feelings if you're dealing with that or even if your child hasn't found their birthfamily yet.
Are you apprehensive or thinking your child shouldn't want to find their bfamily? If so what is the biggest reason for dreading or not supporting your child in a search if they are in one.
I guess I just want to know and to understand the feelings of aparents of that era and why maybe you feel threatened or anything like that.
I know that open adoptions are probably a lot less stressful on all parties involved (not sure of that just thinking that it is) and makes the "fear" part not so bad because everyone knows who everyone is.
My daughter's aparents are so possessive of my daughter that it's really caused a lot of problems between us.
I've been taking to my daughter online recently and am really scared. A lot has to do with her aparents and other has to do with not being able to trust her and all that stuff. I won't give her my new phone number or address so she can't just one day come knocking on my door.
I've been advised by some in this group to just take it slow right now. I'm doing that because I don't trust her and also because I have been treated so bad by her amom that I just can't trust this whole thing and I'm keeping my distance. She always has a motive when she contacts me.
I could be very paranoid right now but I'm really afraid of her and her amom and how she is. She helped in destroying my life and as I've posted in another thread, she believes that I should have died when my daughter was born and she emphasized the "MY" (refering to my daughter being HER daughter not mine) when she talked about her.
I hope someday I can honestly forgive them. Right now I think it's only "lip service" when I say I have forgiven. Reason is because I still get angry with her aparents for what they did to her and what they did to me.
Anyway..........................................
If anyone here can answer any of these questions I'd appreciate it.
Thanks
Rylee
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Well, I have heard from parents of friends who were adopted in the 70's
One reason they feel threatened is because "reunion" is interpruted as reversing the adoption. Aparents were PROMISED the bmoms would never be able to/want to come find the child. Horror stories abounded of the ONLY reason for reunification was to "get the child back".
Knowing the bparents doesn't necessarily make open adoption easier in that way... it is more knowing what a visit/reunion ACTUALLY means... a continuation of a relationship.
Unfortunately Aparents were taught and counseled that they took the place of bparents in every way.....so for you to be in the picture again MUST mean that you are now taking their place..... As there can only be room for "one mom" in their minds.
Just your presence threatens them. So in order to feel completely safe and secure in her role as MOM you really would need to be dead. Nothing against you personally...but she feels there is no room for 2 moms. And if she has never really truly felt like the mom, then her depression and guilt and grief wiould have SURELY translated into her parenting. I would venture to guess that she has sufferred severe PAD (Similar to Post Partum) and that no one knew to prepare her because no one knew it existed. PAD severly inhibits your capacity to bond..and in some cases can leave deep emotional scars and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder triggered by the sight and sound of the child.
That scenario would create a monster out of an otherwise normal woman. LEt it stew for 20 or so years...let her finally relax a bit and begin to believe in her role as MOM...and then you show up.
Just guessing here, but based on everyone I know from that era, I'd bet I'm dead on.
Add to all the emotional mess of the above list....the pressure to be perfect that comes with the culture fed to that generation of LDS women and I'd be surprised she can even function.
Obviously she has no good reason to make hurting you ever be ok. But I can definately see how it's probable and nearly all cases for the exact same situation to happen to any bmom/aparent when reunion happens.
I can also tell you you will be able to forgive, but not forget.
I heard once that "Holding a Grudge is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies."
The first step to forgiveness is understanding the reasons why. You're on the right track.
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What you said makes sense. I guess in a way I could understand that but it still hurts knowing how much this woman hated me.
But one thing, I didn't suddenly show up. I wasn't the one who found my daughter. Her adoptive dad found me.
The amom was very nice to me until she met me face to face. She talked to me on the phone for almost 2 years before we met in person. She knew my daughter was living with me for a short while just so she could get to know our family and it seemed to be ok with her.
It's why I was so confused when we met in person and she suddenly turned into doctor jeckel and mr hyde. All the horrible mean things she said to me the day my grandson was born just blew me away.
I've forgiven her because as you said, it's poison to hold a grudge but it's hard to forget and not get upset sometimes. But I do try. I have a long way to go with that.
But I do understand where you're coming from and how this all could have had to do with what the agency told them. I believe though that my daughter was given to that family because the adoption person knew the family personally and were friends with them and wanted them to have a baby and mine happened to be the one they got. But who knows? I know I never will.
Rylee
I'm to young to have dealt with adoption in the 70's, but here's what my wife and myself are going through, and I'm not sure if it will help, but..
My wife and I keep in touch with our girl's bio mother. We actually were going to meet with her on Sat, but she canceled.
We are not going to keep it hidden from her that we adopted her, infact, we have kept everthing from the whole adopion process to show her if or when she asks. We've also kept track of her bio-dad, who is messed up himself, and we have newpaper stories about him.
Rylee - From everything you've ever told us about your daughter's mom, she sounds like she has some deep-seated emotional problems. Doesn't she try to constantly control your daughter through threats and emotional blackmail?
Have you ever read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder? A lot of what this woman does sounds like classic NPD.
My son was born in 1972, and his parents had no apparent problems with my reuniting with him in 1990. In fact, they're the ones who got the ball rolling. So I don't think it's just a matter of being adopted in the 1970's.
Sorry you're having such a difficult time, Rylee. Hang in there. (Btw, you mentioned not giving your daughter your address or phone number out of fear. Are you afraid for your physical safety??)