Help Needed Dealing With Birthmom's Post-Placement

Lucy (your name is making me laugh!), first off, congratulations on your beautiful girls! Second off, I can see why you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed. A lot of a parents don't like the thought of OA "agreements" but I have found that it has been really helpful to me in terms of setting boundaries. Since there is no agreement, I think you can say (tactfully, of course!) to your 2nd dd's birth mom, "hey, x, we are a little overwhlemed right now with a toddler and a newborn, so i would like to try to stick to the schedule I suggested." I also may suggest that she get some counseling because it's clear she doesn't really "understand" what "open" adoption is all about. (I don't know if your agency or facilitator can help you with this). When our DD was about three mos old, and I had just gone back to work, I was hearing a lot from her birth mom. She wanted to exchange email addresses which I wasn't comfortable with (because I would always feel "compelled" to email her all the time). It was sooooo hard to say no, and I called our social worker. The agency did help in terms of helping DD"s birth mom get counseling. DD is now 2 and a half and things have gotten so much better (in fact, we now DO email every couple of weeks). I totally understand feeling like her birth mom's sort of incessant contact is keeping you from bonding with your daughter. That's a big problem, imo. (Plus, of course, the questions from bmom about money etc, are so inappropriate). As for your older DD's birth mom, I have had to deal with some stuff you mention (suggestions, etc.). It is frustrating sometimes, but one thing I am learning is that my FRIENDS are "buttinskys' and constantly recommending this or that, kwim? It may be that that's the kind of person that she is as opposed to trying to "question" you. I also think it may make sense to propose some sort of "schedule" to her too. You are a mom with two babies. You need to focus on them FIRST and FOREMOST. Feeling stressed is not good for you or them. I mean, you are keeping in contact with them for your daughters' sake...it's about your daughters. I really think you should propose a schedule to both birth moms, stick with it, and then "ignore" everything else. It's really hard, but for these early months, I think it will make your life less crazy. GOOD LUCK!!! Hang in there!!

Wow, I'm exhausted just reading this . . . I can't imagine how exhaausting it is for you. I think the agency is right in ignoring some of the e-mails from the persistent birth mother. She doesn't sound grounded in any sense, looks like she expects you to support her in some way which would really turn me off!!! You are not beholdin' to these women because they placed their children. Believe me, I've shared many of your same feelings and now, after two years, am finally able to understand that a birthmother's grieving is not my burden. We did not go to the agency asking them to pull a baby away from a pregnant woman, we went saying that if a birthmother chose us as parents for her child, we would be committed to that child. I've carried her grief long enough and now can let it go. As for the biological mothers of our other 3 children, it's been a lot easier. One we have no contact with because of the circumstances, one we would like to have contact with but she is not ready yet and one we have opened up contact with because we totally respect and love each other, despite her child being removed from her as an infant. It's all about RESPECT and it sounds like neither of these women is respecting your privacy and your right to feel entitled to parent your own child. Stop trying to please everyone else and begin to be your child's mother -- because that is what you are and that is the most important relationship in all of this. Be respectful when you can be, when it is warranted, but not out of owing them for placing their children with you. Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth.

I think the agency's advice about waiting a little before you respond to e-mails from bmom #2 is good, and I would not feel I had to pick up the phone every time she calls, either. You sound like you are a little overwhelmed (I know I would be in your situation w/ two so close in age!) and I can't quite tell from your post if you meant for adoption #2 to be closed and bmom found you or there just wasn't an agreement as to how much contact you'd have. For practical purposes, assuming that you are planning to leave it open to some degree, I'd probably take a day or two, wait until you have a calm moment, then YOU initiate a contact with her (e-mail or phone, whatever you think is best) and say---Look, I've got a lot on my hands here w/ 2 little ones. I understand that you want to be sure dd is safe and well cared for, and I appreciate that you chose us to be her parents, but I can't be responsive to daily communication from you. All I can agree to right now is X. And stick to it. Even though she does sound like she's overstepping, it also sounds like you're especially sensitive to it right now. I can tell you that my son's bfamily crowded us a little for the first few months, but they're OK now, so she may back off as she gets more comfortable w/ the idea. Sounds like she could benefit from some counseling to help her deal with the placement. I would not stress about bmom #1 making DVD recommendations. I think we get sensitive as moms about anything to do with our kids. One of my friends says (jokingly) that the only thing certain about parenting is that you'll get lots of advice from others about how to do it better. I get goofy recommendations from our son's bfamily sometimes. I just say "Really? I'll have to look into that." In one ear and out the other. Lean on your agency for support, see if they've got any adoptive parents groups that meet. I have gotten excellent guidance from ours for lots of post adoption issues.

I have to agree with the others that the DVD’s are a harmless suggestion. For things like that, I would have to think – If someone other than bmom was suggesting this would I have the same negative reaction? Believe me, as a firstmom myself, it makes us cry too. We cry at night over the fact that we don’t know our children’s favorite book, what their first words are. I literally cried recently when I received an update and found out that my daughter’s favorite thing to eat was egg salad. I was so appreciative of that piece of information. Because the truth is, we’ll never know those wonderful facts about our children unless their aparents include us. It seems unfair for you to hold her not knowing these things against her. JMHO. No doubt you have the right to (and should) set up boundaries and adhere to them. Your second child’s birthmom is clearly having a hard time with the placement and needs to find the help to get through this. You’re not her therapist, and shouldn’t be, but it sounds like she could use some help in understanding her role in OA. I hope that this gets worked through, for the sake of your daughters. Good luck.

My only advice would be to consider each one of these relationships as an individual relationship uniquely its own.It sounds like, since you’re dealing with frustrations with DD2’s bmom – anything DD1’s bmom does is rubbing you the wrong way. Try to segregate your emotions from each other – and try not to let what one does influence your reactions to the other. Do you get upset when friends/co-workers make similar suggestions about DVD’s (or anything) that they’ve heard about? If not, what makes this difference? You need to come to terms with the fact that her suggestion is not an attempt to undermine your role as a parent…she’s likely making a suggestion out of love…not because she questions your ability to parent.

My only advice would be to consider each one of these relationships as an individual relationship uniquely its own. It sounds like, since youre dealing with frustrations with DD2Ғs bmom anything DD1֒s bmom does is rubbing you the wrong way. Try to segregate your emotions from each other and try not to let what one does influence your reactions to the other. Do you get upset when friends/co-workers make similar suggestions about DVD֒s (or anything) that theyve heard about? If not, what makes this difference? You need to come to terms with the fact that her suggestion is not an attempt to undermine your role as a parent҅shes likely making a suggestion out of love҅not because she questions your ability to parent.

Wow, thank you all so much. I can't tell you how appreciative I am for you to take the time to respond to me. It means alot to be able to communicate with others who have been through similar circumstances! LOVEAJAX: I think the counseling idea is a good one. I know she doesn't have a lot of money or resources but perhaps there is a place that offers free services for women in her area. I will respectfully suggest this to her, thank you for this recommendation. Im encouraged to hear that you do have a good relationship now with your birthmother, it gives me hope! I can't say that it's "bad" with either one but it's just too much. As there was no agreement done, we never had labeled it as an "Open" adoption so it's not like we are not keeping our word with either of them. Additionally, I know that both birthmothers really like us a lot and I am aware of that and that is why I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Thank you for also pointing out the obvious: the priority is our two girls, not the relationships with the birthmothers. It doesn't mean that we don't care it's that they come first. Honestly, I feel especially with our one-month old that it's been all about the birthmother and not about the baby which is completely not right and I need to change that. I needed to hear this! JOSKIDS: Your post makes so many great points from the side of adoptive parents. You are right, we didn't seek them out and take their babies, they chose us (which we are eternally grateful for) and that is a decision they made (however hard it is). It was told to me by the agency that DD # 2's BM feels that my husband and I "owe her" because she gave her child to us and to be honest, I've been buying into that and that is really what has to stop. I even feel that way with DD # 1's BM, that we are obligated to respond immediately to her anytime she contacts, which isn't the case. With DD # 2's BM, she goes on and on about how difficult this is for her and though I cannot understand how she feels because I am on the other side of the coin, it isn't my responsibility to be a counselor to her and to hear about it on a daily basis how hard things are for her. You totally hit it right on when you said "stop trying to please everyone." Wow, that is exactly what I am trying to do, keep these birthmothers happy but at the same time, I'm making myself more and more unhappy. That is great that you have many children and it's worked out well for the most part with their BM's. HBV: The agency has been awesome and they have the mentality that once a client always a client so I know if necessary, I can lean on them if it gets to that point. To answer your question RE: Openess.....with BM #1, it was kind of left unsaid and she wasn't really that pushy about contact and she had our number and E-mail, etc. and knew she could get in touch at anytime. For the most part, it's worked out fine but as I mentioned, her contact has increased more in the last three months. With BM #2, it was supposed to be "semi-closed" and the agency didn't do an openess agreement with her because they said she had "entirely unrealistic expectations" and thought this would create a big problem at signing. As is the case with our first BM, she has our cell # and E-mail and we left it where she can keep in touch with us but didn't make any guidelines for it because it wasn't necessary with our first BM and that has been working out okay so far. However, it's obviously just from our dealings in the last month that she doesn't understand what is okay and not okay. She feels we are best friends and colleagues working in unison to raise this baby which is not at all true. You and the others made some good points about the DVD thing. I'm going to just let it go and let her know thanks for the info. Yes, we do get so much advice from so many about child-rearing! Even going to the market these days you run into complete strangers who provide their input! We actually are going to join an adoption group in our town! I found them online this weekend and the leader wrote this weekend and said there are about 4-5 couples who are intersted so hopefully this happens soon as it will be invaluable to have this kind of support and friendship so close by. I believe the group is relatively new. The agency is about 1000 miles from here but I can ask them if they have any other families in our area. THANKSGIVING MOM Thank you for your post. You mentioned as a "firstmom" so please forgive me as I'm new here but I assumed after reading all your post that you are a birthmother? You are right about not holding these things against them and I don't want to and really am not upset by it. My point was just that as time goes on and on, we are the ones raising our daughters, getting up with them when they are sick, reading books every day, taking them to do activities, cuddling and caring for their every need and that the birthmother is the one who gave birth to the child but the child is now a product of the family they live in and are being raised in. It isn't so much about me not wanting to share info, it's about feeling like I have to report to someone about my baby on a regular basis. Though you will not "forget" they are adopted, the more privacy you have as a family, the easier it is to bond and feel as if this truly is YOUR child. Then, out of the blue, you get an E-mail (or phone call) wanting an "update" or new pictures and BOOM, reality hits you. I hope this makes sense? Honestly, it's more to do with the adoptive parent and not to do with the birthmother's issue. I appreciate knowing that little pieces of information mean a lot and I will keep that in mind! BRANDYHAGZ: Yes, you are completely right. Because of BM #2, I'm getting upset at BM #1 and that isn't fair to her. After I read your post, I paused and asked myself how I would feel if BM #1 had written this E-mail to me without our current situation with BM #2 and I came to the conclusion that it would slightly bother me but I would get over it in a day or so, not keep thinking about it. You are right about the DVD thing. I guess when I first read it I thought, "Like we are not doing all of these things with her already?" Meaning, it was a DVD about teaching her colors and numbers and stuff. I did want to mention that BM #1 also gave up another child seven years ago (a boy) and she never got to even meet the adoptive parents and has never spoken or had contact with them. I guess it was through an attorney and they are not around anymore. So, I'm sure she has regrets about not knowing what he is up do and therefore tries harder to keep in touch with us. Again, you guys are all awesome and thanks for cheering me up, providing helpful insight and support!