My son found me through Friends Reunited

I found my bmother through Friends Reunited earlier this year the day after my 40th bday. I'd been searching on and off for the last 5 years but had been getting nowhere. The message had been posted less than a month earlier and contained specific information which left me in no doubt it was my bmother. Within 24 hours using 192.com and the Family records centre I knew her address , the names of her 3 other sons ,and her husbands name (same as mine). The most amazing of the coincidences however is she works 10 mins walk from where I live, though I was adopted in a completley different part of the country. Her sons who I think are my half brothers all attended the same school as my asister and live close by.I initiated contact through Friends re-united by asking a cryptic question only she would comprehend but the reply I received came from one of her sons stating he didn't understand and wanted further clues(I'm not sure if she even knows about her FR posting). I haven't replied but have since received further emails in her name offering incorrect information that i am 90% sure are from the son.I realise I have opened a can of worms but at the moment I'm very uncomfortable with making contact while we live so close by, especially if she doesnt want to be in contact it may make her very uncomfortable knowing I am just around the corner. I am again making the presumption she hasn't told her husband or children about me.For such a long time it was extremley frustrating not being able to find out anything, especially as I didn't know if I wanted to reunite I was just intensley curious about where I was from. As a young child i'd fantasised about finding my bmother and observing her from a distance, though out of loyalty to my parents would never make contact. I have told my afather about the situation (my amother died when I was 11) who reacted well at the time but has never discsussed it with me since. Most of all I would like her to know that I am fine and have had a good and interesting life so far. I'd be very grateful if anyone has any advice i.e should I send a letter giving a little info with an email address and no geographical info ? Thank-you

Secrets just keep on giving.. I say go to your birthmom direct.. and don't allow all this twisting to go on.. For years I did not tell my second born daughter and third born son.. That is why I think it is best to just speak to or correspond with your birthmom.. a registered letter to her home or something like that.. Again.. I think it best if you go directly to her.. and emails on the net go astray and can end up in never never land.. it happened between myself and my bson.. I nice letter telling her that you are searching.. and you age and info is the way to go IMO. Jackie

Hi Frank, Well done on finding your mum. May I ask please if it was her who left the message on Friends Reunited for you to find, as I'm not clear on that point? This is a monumental step forward for you and whilst you must be excited, there is no reason for her to know where you live at the minute, hence my suggestion of an intermediary. The further afield that 'intermediary' is, the more you can gauge the reaction to your contact. I notice that you are living in the UK, so am I, so I can offer some directions that you may wish to consider first. I think you need to get help in considering what you hope to achieve out of contact and possible reunion. It would be unfair to be just 'curious' and want to watch from a distance, because as you rightly say, contact opens up feelings and emotions that are tsunami like in their nature and no-one can tell where they are going to take either of you. I feel very strongly, after my own reunion, that you need certain things in place - to prepare yourself for your emotions upon contact and any replies you get and to prepare yourself also for any possible rejection. That is a possibility and you need to be aware of your options and need also to set up some sort of support for yourself and any subsequent moves forwards. This is the message my son sent to me:[FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]I am writing this message in regards to finding out if you are (my name as on his birth certificate) who previously lived in (county).I have been trying to locate you through (name of adoption agency). I am not sure if you are the right person, but my name is (adopted name) although I was born as (the name I gave him at birth) on (date of birth). [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]You can either contact me directly through Friends Reunited or if you would like, through (adoption agency/intermediary - giving name & telephone number) and ask to speak to.... (caseworker name).If on the other hand this message makes no sense to you, please would you be kind enough to let me know so that I can cross you off my list.[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Yours sincerely[/FONT] Your mother may welcome you with open arms (indeed, if she is the one who left a message on FR, she may be searching for you too) or you may bring back quite some painful memories that she may wish to forget. She may or may not have told her husband or children, and the shock may make her retreat for a while until she adjusts to contact. If you do write, I suggest you do it through an intermediary, which is a good thing that my son did for me, as I could then adjust to the huge huge shock of his finding me. To open a message on Friends Reunited sent me orbital - in my case I was delighted and anxious for contact, but at the same time, was scared as to what I would find. Even though I have no husband or any children, its still a shock and there are many facets of reunion that you need to be aware of, even if you move forwards. Some things you may wish to consider:-1. [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Contact your local county council and ask for the post adoption team and they should be able to arrange counseling for you now that you are considering contact/reunion.[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]2. [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Also, you may wish to contact [/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]The Post Adoption Centre[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]5 Torriano Mews[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Torriano Avenue[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]London NW5 2RZ[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Their contacts are: [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][URL="http://www./"]www.[/URL] postadoptioncentre.org.uk and [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]advice@postadoptioncentre.org.uk[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]tel: 020 7284 0555.[/FONT] 3. some books that are extremely helpful in guiding you through contact/reunion, the first two can be ordered through your local library. [FONT=Comic Sans MS]The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide - Julie Jarrell Bailey & Lynn Giddens[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]'The Primal Wound' by Nancy Newton Verrier and her follow up book [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]"Coming home to Self". [/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]They will help you recognise any feelings and emotions/reactions to any contact you may make that confuse or hurt you and I enclose a part of the adoption reunion survival guide that may give you some idea as to the effect contact/ reunion may feel like to your birth mother. I hope it helps. PM me if you'd like the stages of reunion at some time, as I don't want to overwhelm you with stuff, but I hope that this will get you on the way. I can't emphasise enough how important it is to be prepared for what you are hoping to engage in. Feel free to PM me any time. Again, I would recommend an intermediary and any of the contacts should be able to be that for you. They can also soften the blow of any emotions that arise in you as you realise.. this is your mother and she has replied.... I hope it goes well for you, I would be interested to hear from you any time. [/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT=Verdana]p138[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that time heals all wounds - which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birth mothers. Instead it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a pretty permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of the pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labour and birth. And finally, she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to "bury" the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]For some birth mothers, the emotions are buried deeper than for others. In these cases, a woman might never be in a psychological position to experience reunion. If you are an adoptee and are rejected by your birth mother either at first contact or later in reunion, there will be few words anyone can offer to comfort you. You will rejected and abandoned by this woman for a second time in your life.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]If you are able to work through your own emotions of rejection, try to put yourself in her position. Your bmother was conditioned to forget you and in some cases it was more like brainwashing. She was told that if she "loved you" she would "forget you" so that you could be completely free, emotionally and physically, to bond with the adoptive family. She was told never to tell anyone about having relinquished you for adoption because bad things might happen to her if she did tell.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Although the attempt to forget you never worked because she always held on to memories and fantasies of you, she most likely did keep your existence a secret. If she never told anyone in her immediate family, your contact will be perceived as a threat to all that she has held private and secret for decades.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]You can't overcome emotional wounds with one phone call, or one visit or one letter. For some birth mothers, the wound of relinquishment will always exist. At the least it will be a scar to remind her; at worst the wound gapes open forever, unable to heal...[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]