Open Adoption Agreements: What Would You Put in Yours?

We are almost at the end of the road, and we are going to have an open adoption, this case is not with BM but with sibling, we would like for sibling and BG to visit once a month, sibling birthdays, easter, and major school events, and maybe bautismal, first communion and for the BM to send pic or gifts to a p o box, and we will send pict and videos BM is not in the country, they want our baby to spend nights, and we won't allow it, that would be a no no.

My agreement includes four visits a year, no specified times and phone calls once a month, taking turns on the calls. We haven't been so good about that, my fault mostly. It is hard b/c my kiddo's paternal first parents are overstepping boundaries and that affects what goes on with me, blah.

Thank you to the adoptive moms who wrote about their wishes for open adoption agreements. I would encourage more adoptive parents to take part in this discussion. My hope, though, was for first/birthparents to talk about what they'd like in an open adoption agreement if their state were to allow it. I'd also like to see what, if any, stipulations the birthparents would place on themselves in these agreements.

[FONT="Century Gothic"]While it isn't legally enforcable our agreement states: 2 visits per year Pictures every other month Gifts, age app. Pictures of me and my ex once a year, he hasn't done this I haven't sent one this year Phone calls I think there were some other things but those are the "Biggies" that I remember.[/FONT]

Hmmm...what stipulations would I put on myself?...I would send updates or communication with D as often as she wanted really, I don't find that popping off a quick email takes that much time/energy to be honest...currently I keep her updated with any Medical developments she should know about or if there is a change in any of my contact info (ex. I'm moving so I'm sending her my new addy)D should be able to expect me to not cancel a visit without a courtesy call/explanation. D should be able to expect me to follow through on promises like birthday and christmas cards/presents/contact (if she was comfortable with me making it at that time).She should be able to expect me to not break a promise that I make to her or A, and I should expect the same from her in return.Hmm...this has me thinking though...

Ok Tara since you said it was alright for amoms to chime in: What would I want? I would really want at least one visit per year since our bparents live in another state. I would want updates from out bparents as well as us giving them updates. Pictures both ways because Kelcee has 2 full siblings and 2 half siblings. I would want the bparents family to know that Kelcee is alive since they kept it from everyone. Not sure, but I suspect they know since they only live 2 miles away. (Whole other story) Phone calls when anyone wants. Just plain old honesty from everyone.

I have been thinking about this a lot with our recent situation, because I wouldn't have been willing to enter into much of one w/ the biodad of H's half sister. I am not really a big fan of the idea of the agreement, because it seems TO ME that it puts the adoptive parents into more of a guardian than parent role. I also think it is pretty hard to mandate the terms of a personal relationship. But I do understand why some might view them as a good thing. I think my problem is the idea that they are necessary---like a prenuptial agreement, it implies that there's a lack of trust at the heart of the relationship, and it changes the dynamic. If the only reason you are keeping in contact is because the law requires you to do it and you'll have to suffer some consequence if you don't, then exactly what type of relationship is it? And if you start thinking of all the arguably legitimate reasons that contact might cease (it's too painful, rendering one party mentally incapacitated, there are inappropriate behaviors on the part of one party or the other, privacy violations, safety issues, whatever) and try to write all of those contingencies into the agreement, you'd probably wind up with a mess that might or might not be unenforceable and would make everyone mad. For the record, we've had an excellent relationship w/ both H's bioparents and their extended families. Everyone is courteous to one another, our contact is frequent and mutually convenient---it's not perfect, but it's pretty good, so my objections to the idea of agreements aren't out of some unpleasant personal experience. So, all that is to say that if I were FORCED to reduce the relationship to writing, it would probably address these topics: 1. Contact frequency & method of contact2. Prior notification of visits3. Inclusion of extended family or friends4. Conditions of visits: location, supervision, length, travel5. Names/Titles for all parties (and I include naming the placed child in that, as well as the question of what the child would call various birthfamily members)6. Conditions for terminating contact (from either side)7. Some phase in of the child's wishes into the relationship when that is age appropriate, especially if contact is frequent and in person.8. Mutuality (the idea that both parties are bound by the agreement and its conditions)9. Required exchange of medical information from bparents10. Permissibility of unsolicited contact outside the agreement 11. Gift exchanges Here's the other issue I have with these as legal agreements: if anyone wants to go over and above the bare minimum, they risk the other side making the argument at some point that there's now an implied agreement to do more. So I think they're likely to ensure that everyone does just that....the bare minimum.

I agree that agreements can sometimes be a real can of worms. The main thing I wish is that all parties are aware prior to adoption whether or not they are legal in their state. I know some bparents who signed and then learned that they were not legal and just wished they would have known.

I would have specified minimums, and allowed dds a-parents to specify maximus if that is what they needed to do. I would also have been clear that I would not place with famalies that couldn't commit to my minimums. I would keep the visits the same every year, not dependant on age. Of course location makes a big differnce, I have to fly half way around the world to visit dd! At least two visits a year, and photos four times a year. Montly phone calls. I would also have liked the agreement to cover grandparents (dd has so many) contact. Open adoption is a can of worms, agreement or not. I would have liked to have an agreement in place directly with dd's a parents. The agency made one arragment with me and another with them. Her a-parents also should have been educated as to the value of an open adoption to their child, and not just as a favor to b-parents. That said, I worried myself literally sick when I didn't have contact with dd's family (their choice) so some of this is for my benefit. She was extremly worried about me too, so they searched and found me. (I had never known her name). It took her parents a long time to realize that I wouldn't interfere in their parenting and would always support their family. That was what they needed for a successful oa. I don't think we could have put that in a contract.

For me, we haven't needed one, we've worked together at working through our issues and concerns while setting boundaries that needed to be set. So, for that I'm thankful and don't believe that one would have made a difference.

We worked on an open adoption agreement when I was pregnant. It wasn't legally binding, but we stuck to it during the first few months and then things just evolved. It was really detailed in the beginning-talking about delivery, pre-natal appts, hospital time, etc. We decided that we would do updates four times a year and scheduled the first two visits. I don't know if there is anything that I would have done differently. Our relationship has been so smooth through the entire process that we haven't needed to go back to the agreement...

I guess for some of us, an agreement helps chart uncharted territory. It has nothing to do with me distrusting kiddos parents. It is just a guide to help with a relationship that we dont' have a model for. It is different than marrriage in that most of us grow up with a model of marriage in our minds, good or bad. My mom and dad, although adoptive parents, are not in an open adoption, and they are not first parents, so I have nothing to model my behaviour on, the agreement helps with that. Ours isn't legally binding, and really, we don't keep to it, but it helped when things were tough when I left my son's first dad and I just needed help holding together relationships in general.

Here is my dilema/question... we currently have a birthmother living with us. She has no family and only one friend in our state. The birthmom is due in May and we have decided in order to lessen the confusion, and keep from having any misunderstandings that we would all come up with an agreement as to how things would go (from here through birth, and into the childs life). Obviously we are doing an open adoption. What I am really struggling with at this point are a couple of key items: the birthmom nursing after the baby is born, and the birthmom coming home with us for recovery. I obviously want to do what is in the best interest of the child, however I don't want to make this harder on any of us than it will already be. The only thing I have found thus far in regards to nursing is that they advise against it. I would like to hear from the birthmom's and the adoptive parents their take on these two SUPER important issues. Were you happy with the choices made, do you wish they would have been done differently, any information you can offer me at all would be greatly appreciated.

Our OA agreement is pretty barebones....Visit one time per year around DD's birthday, updates and pictures quarterly. To me, it's sort of a "floor" ....I speak with DD's birth mom (sometimes frequently, sometimes months go by), we email occasionally, etc. But I guess since I am a flakepot, I need some sort of "guidance." I like structure, I guess! I would hope that if DD wanted more visits, we would want to do that. And if some years she didn't want visits, they would be amenable to that. It's hard to know (personally) how things will play out when DD can take more of an active role in things. I find it infathomable that expecting parents are not told about the enforceability/nonenforceability of OA agreements....Really angers me (of course, my agency never told me what the laws were here, had to look it up on my own). Interesting discussion!

I would suggest you help find expectant mom a place to live/go after baby's born. I don't know if I would have wanted to be around at the adoptive parents home those first few weeks while I was trying to grieve and say goodbye, all the while seeing someone else parent my child. I don't know, that's just me. Now, with the breastfeeding thing. That is one of my biggest regrets - I didn't breastfeed my child. I wish I would have. The colostrum in the first few days is so beneficial, for one thing. I don't believe this should go in your open adoption agreement. This is the expectant mom's choice and up until she signs TPR she is mom and she can do what she pleases.