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Its been ages since I posted but usually, I donҒt feel much of a need to post. There are others here with far more experience. Whats 4 years post placement when others have had a decade?
I have a daughter (ғS) who is 6 that I parent and my life is pretty stable now. A lot more so than 3 years ago. IԒm engaged to a wonderful man, busy most of the time, and have bought a small house.
With the first child I placed (now age 4), no identifying information was disclosed but they live within an hour or so of me and we communicate by email and arrange visits every 8 to 12 weeks at the whim of the a-mom.
With my second placed child (age 3), we dontҒ have as many visits, usually only once a year but we call, write, send post cards and in general communicate more in other ways.
Both seem to work fairly well. Recently, I even had a visit with both families at once. Talk about emotional overload
Visits are still hard after all this timeŅbut they are getting more relaxed with only a few really tense emotional moments.
The 4 year-old at an October visit was chatting with my 6-year-old an they were discussing sleepovers while I chatted with Js parents. Suddenly S called to me and said, ғWhen can J have a sleepover? I looked at JԒs mom who gave me no clue and back to the girls who were looking at me with identical big eyes and said, YouӒre both pretty young, maybe if its okay with JҒs parents we can talk about It when youre older.Ҕ This seemed to satisfy them and Js mom and I discussed when we had our first sleepover that wasnҒt at Grandmas house and similar things. I was worried and stressed about the idea a the time but the panic passed. After all, they probably wouldnҒt even remember it in a week, right?
Wrong. At the visit this weekend, they brought it up again, this time by asking if S could sleep over at Js house. JҒs mom fielded the question with someday when youӒre older, but the girls pressed to know how old they had to be. I spent the rest of the visit tensed, an emotional storm waiting to happen. I can deal with S maybe spending the night there in a few years. I trusted them with J and for one night, if it will make the girls happy to have a ԓsister sleepover I can let S go. I may be an emotional wreck and spend the entire time in bed drinking hot cocoa but I can cope.
What I canԒt cope with is even the thought of J spending the night here. The very thought fills me with panic. I cant deal. I canҒt. How can they ask this of me? First yearly visit and then every 3 months and now sometimes as close as a month apart, we do visits.
Deep breaths, you can deal with this, I tell myself, and I canbecause her parents feel itŒs best to have more frequent visits and I entrusted them with her care. If they feel its best, I support them 100% even if it hurts me sometimes. But I canҒt do overnight visits. I cant. I know it might be years in the future yet҅but I can see it coming and I am terrified. I would like to just tell them, that I cant do it. CanҒt even think about it for now, may never be able to agree to it. But then, I feel guilty. What right do I have to refuse a sleepover if her parents are willing to let he do it? Will it mess her up and ruin the foundation weve been building?
Can anyone who has done sleepovers with a placed child give me a hint on how to cope with the idea and/or the reality? Or conversely, can anyone give me suggestions with how to explain, gently that I canҒt deal with sleepovers?
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