:confused: Birthmother: Nursing, Recovery - HELP -- Need Advice

I am a First Mom who placed in 1990, My advice is that you allow her time with her baby in whatever capacity she wishes. You want her to be sure of her decision to place, if breastfeeding changes her mind to place then she didn't really want to place to begin with. I know it must be hard, but she will have to remake the decision to place again after the baby is born. Has she received unbiased counseling? I can't imagine having lived with my bson's parents while I was pregnant, I would have felt obligated to place with them, it was a hard enough decision without the added presure.Best of Luck!

As hard as this may be for you to accept the decision to nurse is the expectant mom's, not yours. She will have to remake the decision to place after baby is born. I wouldn't have been able to make a choice without feeling pressured if I would have lived with kiddo's mom and dad before I had him. I didn't even meet them until after kiddo was born because I didn't want to remake my choice and decide to parent and hurt them. PLEASE make sure that this expectant mom is getting some counseling, she needs it right now. Unbiased, as Mommy24 said.

One of my BIGGEST regrets in our placement/adoption that has actually spilled over into how I have made decisions regarding the parenting of my two sons was that my agency told me NOT to breastfeed. It caused a LOT of guilt as all of the science says that breastfeeding IS best for the baby. I felt that I cheated my daughter by listening to unethical people tell me not to breastfeed her because it would "be too hard." It was hard ANYWAY. I've, thankfully, resolved the emotional issues that the guilt from that specific issue caused and am successfully parenting my second son. My first son, however, felt the residual effects of that guilt because I was emotionally unable to breastfeed him. (I wasn't yet in therapy for these issues at the time of his birth.)I tell mothers to weigh the pros and cons of breastfeeding, including the health benefits and not just the fact that everyone says it will be hard. It's going to be hard if you breastfeed or not; you need to make a decision that you can live with in the end. This is where counseling from an unbiased third party can come in handy!

I was just discussing this with a friend. I had hoped that when I adopted I would be able to do the adoptive BF. Turns out with medication I take, I can't. I struggled and was sad that my baby wouldn't benifit from any BF at all now. I was talking it over with a close friend and she asked if the mother requested to BF would I allow it. I thought it over for a while, and I said I would. I agree that if BF the infant makes the mother change her mind, then that infant belongs with that mother...not in an adoption. Clearly mothers who make an adoption plan for their babies are trying to make the best possible choices for their babies, so why wouldn't it be expected that the mother would also want to BF the baby? My friend comes from a very large family, and one of her aunts had several adopted children. One of them, the mother requested to be allowed to BF the infant and the amom was excited for her to do that. Their entire family warned her she should have said not to allow it (not that it's really her place to say no, but this bmom was asking for permission) because the mom would bond and keep the baby. The bmom BF this infant in the hospital for 3 days, every feeding, while the amom sat next to her on the bed, and supported her the way every BF mom needs to be supported. In the end, did the bmom place? She did. AND she said she felt so much better about the placement for a lot of reasons. One she had given her baby that gift of BF, even for a few days and TWO, she had such a strong bond with the Amom from those nights together while the baby was BF'ing. If it's the right situation, the baby will be yours...BF'ing or not. JMO!

I would have her breastfeed and let her decide her future once again after the birth.

Hate to tell you this, but it is not your decision to make. This is a parenting decision and until the new mom signs relinquishments she is the only one that can make that decision for her child.

Brenda, thank you so much for pointing this out. I've wanted to post the same thing on this thread all day, but I didn't want to stir up any negative feelings....It is absolutely the expectant mother's right to make any decision on breastfeeding after birth. She can make whatever parenting decisions she deems to be in her child's best interest until she actually signs the relinquishment papers. :prop:

I replied to you about this on another thread in which you posted this question. Here is my response: I would suggest you help find expectant mom a place to live/go after baby's born. I don't know if I would have wanted to be around at the adoptive parents home those first few weeks while I was trying to grieve and say goodbye, all the while seeing someone else parent my child. I don't know, that's just me. Now, with the breastfeeding thing. That is one of my biggest regrets - I didn't breastfeed my child. I wish I would have. The colostrum in the first few days is so beneficial, for one thing. I don't believe this should go in your open adoption agreement. This is the expectant mom's choice and up until she signs TPR she is mom and she can do what she pleases. As others have stated if breastfeeding her baby is going to cause her to not sign TPR than she shouldn't have placed in the first place.

I do not think that her living with you is a good thing on your side and her side. You already see this baby as yours. You see expectant mom as birthmother. if she had changed her mind you would have felt used. And since you will feel like she owes you a lot, you will demand her baby. And if she changes her mind she will have hard time to say it to you. If you tell her to live somewhere else for recovery she might also feel bad and used. So in many ways this is a weird situation. May be you can ask her and see how she feels about moving somewhere else after birth. but I think towards the end of the pregnancy she will start to feel different on many issues. Everything will be harder and harder for her. Do you really think that you are ready for an open adoption?

I personally did not want to breastfeed because I heard once you start it's alot harder for the milk to dry up...don't know if that's true. i had my son for five days in the hospital after his birth and at that point, whether he was nursing or using a bottle, i was completly in love with him. I bonded with him immediatly, some women it takes time to bond, even months. Are you concerned about breast feeding because of the bonding issues? As far as her living with you, i would be concerned that boundry issues would arrise. If she is living there till may, it sounds like that is her home too.