[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Adult Adoptees What signs does a Bmother need to look for when a child doesn't really want to know their biological family? [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]This is my story! I'm a Bmother who has had contact with daughter for almost 2 yrs. We've had NO contact by phone!!! She contacted me when she turned 17. We have sent each other emails & letters & pictures. I basically wanted her to know that I gave her up out of LOVE. If I could have raised her myself I would have but I didn't want her childhood to be a struggle. I was 18 when I gave birth to her. I didn't have much and I was moments away from being kicked out on my own if I didn't do what was best for my baby. It was such a difficult decision to give up a child that you Love. I chose her family through open adoption. When I first met her parents I knew they were the perfect choice. I felt a sense of Peace the day I left the hospital without her. I knew she was going to having an amazing life. Well that was my WISH for her. I wanted nothing but the best for her. She was a magical little angel. I got to hold her in my arms the day I gave birth to her. The nurses didn't realize I was giving her up for adoption. The moment the head nurse realized the mistake she wanted to grab her out of my arms. I told her she better not and I told her to leave me alone. She did! Those moments I shared with her has never left my memory and nobody could ever take that away from me. I whispered into her ears, "Baby Angel mommy will always love you. Every night and every day you will be in my heart." I cried! I let her go! The pain inside my heart and soul was torn. If ONLY love was enough to get us through life but I knew it wasn't. I made a promise to GIVE her a Better life and I let her go.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]All these years I hoped and prayed that some day we would reunite. I got some photos of her as she was growing up. She was an angel; she was just so beautiful. Her parents were kind enough to send me pictures when I asked for them. As she got older I decided to keep my distance. Five years after giving her up I met the man I would call my husband. We had our first child within a year. It was so magical to be a mother and to take home my baby. It was one of the happiest moments and deep down inside a heart breaking because the memories of giving up my baby only five years earlier was so painful. All those feelings came back. Part of me felt sad because my first born daughter wasn't going to know her brother. I had to be thankful that our lives were both headed in the right direction. I found a loving man and a new family to call my own. Three children later and 15 years of marriage life couldn't be any better. Well I thought it could be A lot better if I could one day reunite with my first born.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]She contacted me and she said she wanted to meet me some day. I was so delighted and thrilled and over joyed. I told my children and husband and they were so excited. It's been two years now and she says she wants to take things slowly. She wants to get to know me but slowly. But she doesn't give me much feed back when I ask her things about herself. She does express a lot of love for church and her relationship with God. I tell her all the good memories I had while I was pregnant with her and express myself in the best way how LOVED she was by me. In response she tells me she was born the daughter of God. [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]She has an amazing life filled with so much love and so many experiences. She's traveled to other countries doing missionary work. She's a women of faith. I couldn't be more happier for her. Her life is better than I ever amagined! It's wonderful. She has thanked me for giving her life.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]She is really religious and she has strong values. I admire her so much. I send her emails every holiday. I always thought I would handle this situation much better than I am. My feelings go up and down. I love her so much and I would love to meet her and not waste anymore time apart. I know, I know it isn't that simple! If only life worked out the way we all dreamed it would! I have to be completely honest right now, her letter's are nice but I get the feelings she see's me more like a STORK. I know some of you are thinking she's still so young and I need to give her some time. How long? Ten years, 20 years? If a child doesn't want contact is it wrong for me to distance myself from this situation? She has an incredible life. I feel like why change something that isn't broken. I have made the decision to back away from contact! Why? I'm feeling like this is one of those situations that a reunion is not in the cards. Adult Adoptee's am I making the right decision? She's got a perfect family, perfect life why change that for her just because I am the one interested in meeting her and having her part of my life. We both move forward with our own lives and be at Peace with that. I need some advice. Tks for listening to me spill my heart out to strangers. PEACE[/FONT]
I, as an adult adoptee (42), almost three years into reunion, say what everyone else is saying here. Slow and steady wins the race. I think age can play into it. When I was 18, my feelings of searching were totally different than mine as an adult. I also had much to deal with as a young adult, I married fairly young, (21) had two small children, a husband I loved and adored but who was very sick with diabetes. Losing my husband and father three weeks apart and having to raise three small children took up my early thirties. After remarrying and the birth of my sixth, yes sixth, child really put something in me to search. But with all the ups and downs and rollercoaster rides that come with reunion, I don't think I personally could have done it at a younger age. I had a very strong sense of self when I went searching. When you are 18, you have much different things on your mind, other things pre-occuppy you. You feel like you have all the time in the world. Be patient and be happy that she is willing to have contact. I have heard many bmom's here who have been in contact with late teens, early adults, and this is very similar. Good luck. I know it isn't easy. We are thinking of you are and hear for you to sound off against, vent, question, whatever.
Carolyn
Pomme,
Thank you so much for your advice. I'm going to respect my Bdaughters feelings and I'm not going to push. It really does help to get adult adoptee's opinion and feedback. I'm more able to think OUTSIDE my own BOX. I have been taking a lot more time to enjoy my life, my children and NOT worry so much about things that I can't control. The greatest joy in my life is being a mother. I've come to the conclusion that as long as my Bdaughter is Happy and healthy then life is the way that it should be. She just turned 19yrs old has week. I sent her a Birthday card and a picture of our first moments together right after she was born. I kept the letter short and wished her a Happy Birthday. Thanks again everyone for your imput. I will be taking everyone advice. Time will TELL.
wow, I'm not even there yet, but I pray someday, i will talk the the little girl i have up out of love. But i know beyond a shadow of a doubt i can never be her mom. I can only hope and pray that first i will be able to meet her, either by phone or in person, I can also pray that maybe we could be friends, I would love to welcome her into my family, but she has a family, I gave her up into, so she would have a life i could'nt give her.
I want to be here for her, but only if she wants me to be. thats a hard place to be, but we cannot just bounce into their lives like nothing ever happened. It is just as hard a place for them as it is for us and we have to respect their feelings (scary thought) but we have to, I hope what i had to say helps! My prayers and thoughts are with you, if you would like to talk to me you can e-mail me bornfree4659@yahoo.com , i would be glad to help if i can
sunny
Moongirl, I am where you are as well. I think you will find there are a lot of us bmothers out there who only have minimum contact with teenaged bchildren. I have accepted this. It has been a struggle to come to acceptance and letting go of my dreams and hopes and expectations but it is what it is. She too has wonderful aparents and a great life with lots of friends etc. Imagine if this wasn't the case - then how would we feel? I have given up on my dreams that more may come of this in 10 to 20 years. I can't sit around hoping that things will change so I am getting on with enjoying my life which is great also.
Moongirl
I think the adoptees sometimes perceive the birthmoms as being "stuck" in a time warp and not able to get past the relinquishment time. (True sometimes!!) It's often told to adoptees by counsellors and adoption related books too. When I was initially found by bson, my first letter told my story...... once it was read and questions asked and answered, I put it to rest mainly because it was my experience and although the details were his, the love and pain and loss was mine and I never wanted him to feel responsible for me. I've put all my energy into trying to weave a friendship that can grow and prosper. Trying to establish a mother/child relationship is, I think, very hard on adoptees. Try working on friendship instead. And loosen up.......let her see your fun side....write notes between telephone calls or e-mails so each time you are sort of painting a picture of yourself and your life and hopefully she will do the same.
I too wanted to meet bsons aparents and it took 4 years until he was ready to let his aparents share in his reunion. Beforehand he kept them on one side of the line, and his bfamily on the other. We have met and it was very strange, very polite and in a strange way, very enlightening. I can see the nurture side, and they could see the nature. I think we both went away with a smile.
Another thing to keep in mind is noone has a plan....we are all working away at reunion trying to read the signs (like reading braille.) Trying to feel if it makes sense and going over and over the image we create in our heads. Keep doing what you are doing, but try to be a little more creative and see where it leads. And.....finally....if you really want to do something (like meet) ASK HER OUTRIGHT. That's the only way you are going to really know how she feels.
Good luck
Ann
agathaj
Moongirl, I am where you are as well. I think you will find there are a lot of us bmothers out there who only have minimum contact with teenaged bchildren. I have accepted this. It has been a struggle to come to acceptance and letting go of my dreams and hopes and expectations but it is what it is. She too has wonderful aparents and a great life with lots of friends etc. Imagine if this wasn't the case - then how would we feel? I have given up on my dreams that more may come of this in 10 to 20 years. I can't sit around hoping that things will change so I am getting on with enjoying my life which is great also.
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Thank you for your post. I think you are so correct. I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling like this. I thought I was loosing it for awhile there. Each day that goes by it gets better. I have three amazing children of my own and they bring a lot of joy to my life. What more can I ask for huh?:grouphug: I guess I had unrealistic expectations. I thought things would turn out so different. The Decision (Adoption) that I made long ago had a high price along with it; the possibility that we may never know each other as mother daughter. In my heart:loveyou: she has been my daughter but the reality is she doesn't know me and I don't know her. Our lives are so opposite like night and day! The future has many other possibilities and I'm looking forward to all of them good or bad! Peace![/FONT]
Yes, it's tough to realise that their amothers will always be their real moms and we are???? I don't know what we are so I guess these teens don't know what our role is either? I read a post from an adoptee a while ago on a different forum who said that she only wanted minimum contact with bmother even thou bmother wanted a relationship and that bdaughter was happy to know that the bmother cared and that was about it. So bmother got xmas and bday cards and that was it from adult adoptee. Now I know that is her right to only want that amount of contact but she did admit that she would not be happy if bmother ended the relationship. I am thankful to know that my bdaughter is loved and has a great lifestyle.
HI there. I am now 28, but at 18 I met my mother, at my request. It was very overwhelming for me, and her. I haven't had any contact with her, in the last 7 yrs. Things just didn't work out at the time. I don't think I was ready for that kind of relationship with her. I was young and although, I thought I knew what I was feeling I really didn't.
Last year, I contacted my birth father. We have an excelent relationship. I think cause I'm older, and know more, how I feel about things.
Since then I have been thinking alot about my mother, and thinking of trying to contact her again. Although we haven't spoken ina long time I think of her often, and she filled that part of my heart, that needed it.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't make her feel like you are cutting of contact, that would withdraw her more. Tell her you enjoy the e-mails from her, I would tell her, that she is loved, you will always, always, be there for her, and when she is ready you, will be there for sure! There are alot of emotions and feelings we go through even though we know we were loved, and it was for the best. Just letting you know that you should never give up hope, it has taken me 28 years to start to muddle the mess in my brain around, and figure things out. I'm sure it would feel like an eternity too you, but you've waited this long, I guess its up to you to make the decision if your love for her is worth being patient a little longer.
Ow yes, just a thought, but her being religous, and all, saying she was a gift from god is probably her way of deeling with the pain of being given up. Thats what my parents used to tell me when I was little that I was a gift to them from god.
Sorry so long, and I hope I explained myself ok.
Hi, Im a adoptee aged (35) and have only just started to look for my birth family. At the age of 18 I to would have found it difficult especially as nothing ever appears right at that age (lol). Give her time and goodluckxxx
Congradulation are in order for you have what some of us only can dream about. Never give up and never give in, for as long as there is life and a God above he will never let you down, but it will be in his time, not yours. I had my first f2f with my daughter almost a year and a half ago. I must have gave her a lot to consider because she stopped emailing me until this Christmas. She is still very vague in her answers to me but we are making progress. She has insinuated she does not think of me as her father and I admit I'm not. So instead I work on being a friend to my daughter. I try an accomidate her in any way I can because I'm so much happier now than I was. Now I know she was loved and had a wonderful life for I've seen that. I'll take anything she wants to give me for that's what this love is all about. Good luck.
bprice215
Thank you so much for your post. I don't ever really want to SHUT the door on the possiblity of a relationship with her. I guess I'm just protecting myself from getting hurt. The last thing I want to do to her is HURT her. I never want to HURT her. This process seems MUCH harder than giving her up in the FIRST place. I never really got counseling after giving my baby up; I just moved on with my life and blocked out all the emotions and all the pain of giving her up. It's like I put that experience in a box and hide it away until now. I respect your comment very much. It gives me a since of PEACE. The only way I can MOVE on with my life is TELLING everyone "I've put the past behind me where it belongs." I say I "REGRET" giving her up BUT honestly I wouldn't change a thing! I have three amazing, beautiful, precious children and a wonderful husband in my life. In my heart, my Adaughter will always have a special place in my heart forever! She is after all my first BORN baby in my heart. Thanks for your post again!
Hi moongirl, I sadly have to say that nothing has changed for me either. I am totally bowing out of her life now. I can't do the cards etc anymore because I spend weeks before her birthday pondering about what to do, should I send a gift, does she want that? So I have decided enough is enough and that doing nothing is an option. I am done with it and if in 20 years she wants contact I will say no because I am not going through all this again...I have realised that some mistake just can not be fixed. I hope things turn out better for you.
Moongrl22
Thank you so much for your post. I don't ever really want to SHUT the door on the possiblity of a relationship with her. I guess I'm just protecting myself from getting hurt. The last thing I want to do to her is HURT her. I never want to HURT her. This process seems MUCH harder than giving her up in the FIRST place. I never really got counseling after giving my baby up; I just moved on with my life and blocked out all the emotions and all the pain of giving her up. It's like I put that experience in a box and hide it away until now. I respect your comment very much. It gives me a since of PEACE. The only way I can MOVE on with my life is TELLING everyone "I've put the past behind me where it belongs." I say I "REGRET" giving her up BUT honestly I wouldn't change a thing! I have three amazing, beautiful, precious children and a wonderful husband in my life. In my heart, my Adaughter will always have a special place in my heart forever! She is after all my first BORN baby in my heart. Thanks for your post again!
Moongrl - Your bdaughter is indeed your firstborn. Even though you didn't raise her she will always have that special place in your heart. We meet these "children" of ours as adults, at least that's the case for many of us and we can't go back to when they were infants and "mother them." That's not what they need or want. We can't change the past. We can only live each day as fully as we can, and try to be aware of the blessings we have.
Thanks..........For your feeling in Adult Adoptees. you are very perfect and your heart is very clear. Thanks again for your input. I will be also taking yours advice.