Elation/Anxiety/Sadness/Regret/Crying/Fear--Emotional Venting

Jackie, for what it's worth: (((((((hugs))))) I can so relate. All of my children, raised and bson are living away and I'm feeling the anxiety that you describe. I know they are adults but, still, want to protect them. I too am digging out form 40 cm of snow - AAGGH! However I am leaving tomorrow for the sunny south and hope that in 2 weeks the worst will be over. that old dog - if you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if not, it never was, is so true. I am giving all my kids space and they seem to be responding - some more quickly than others but that darn 4 letter word - patience is driving me crazy but, at the same time, is likely a good thing. As each day goes by it gives me time to reflect and realize that if they want me to be part of their life that doesn't mean that I am their "whole" life. I too speak rarely to my parents. Not because I don't love them but because I know they love me and I have my life to live. How many things on our "to do" list is left over for the next day???? Raven - (((hugs))) to you too. I was fortunate enough to remember every detail of my bson's birth. Although, I have blocked out holding him, spending that first week together before relinquishment but my hubby (bdad) and parents have told me how wonderful I was with him and I think I have blocked it for the last 28 years to make it easier (the brain does protect the body, after fall). Since reunion, I have had snippets of memory flash back but we are all in the same boat. Wishing for a second chance. So far, I think we're doing OK. I didn't get this as a youngster but for me, there can be nothing that anyone could possibly want more than have someone love them. Take care. kate

I wrote my mom emails and have left messages. I've indicated to her a number of times how much it would mean to me to get a response. Nothing different since 2005. So getting no response means i shouldn't keep emailing letting her know how we are as a family? I get the feeling my behavior is not usual based on some of the sharing of bmom's. I phoned her last October. Left a message saying my daughter(age 4) and I were going to visit. Instead of talking to me she had her husband call my husband to "keep me in check." My mom's husband stated we had no realtionship, they were in the room when my first child was born. So I am like, what?! I put this bull**** behind me. I tell myself someday she will ask about us. Someday she will care about us rather than about how awkward and or embarrased she felt in a room full of acqauntainces who learned I was the child she gave away during her son's funeral.

Keds wrote Ah… Just what I needed to hear or read today.. My son called and all is well.. He just made it into Toronto before the next storm and he has been offered work for a couple of weeks on a new film just starting up.. He has a career ahead of him.. and I am sooooo pleased.. And he has been offered another apartment down the hall for April first.. so there it is he is okay.. and all is well and all things are well.. And here is hubby and me snowed in.. totally.. We could not get out if we tried.. I got double of everything milk etc.. before it started this second time.. The snow is beautiful and the sun is hitting the bank of the creek.. We have an injured woodpecker that is hidden in our tree and I am watching for it.. Its about control this saying if you love something/someone set it/them free.. We can not control anything other than our lives.. other than stocking up cause a storm is coming.. I can not control how my bson interacts with me.. such a hard hard lesson to learn in the early days.. I wanted and I did not get and I bet he wanted and did not get.. Have a wonderful trip to the warm places.. Jackie

Mariarippy I do not think she is developed beyond thinking of herself.. and as I just wrote in my previous post.. we can not control this.. We can not force the woman to think in another direction.. She is angry IMO.. Secrets and lies are beyond painful.. especially for the one that has no control over any of it.. other than showing up and doing the best a person can.. Accepting what has happened and no blame.. What a thing.. Jackie

Jackie, great news about your bson! I too spent 3 hours digging myself out of the house. I've been keeping the birdfeeder full (the cardinals, mourning doves and a very loud blue jay have relied on me all winter). The snow is so deep the squirrels can stand on the snow and eat straight out of the feeder! Little bums but I'm feeling generous as they have to eat too. I've stocked up as well. I'm not sure if there is another storm coming but my holiday is this week so I'm hoping not. I would love it if spring arrived while I was gone! mariarippy - (((hugs))) I had to get over feelings of humiliation, guilt and shame when my bson first contacted me (even though I was ecstatic and hopeful that he would come searching for me). I soon realized that it was what others had said about me that made me feel badly about myself. As a young girl I internalized everything but now, I realize that I can decide whose opinion I should consider and pay attention to and those whose really don't matter. For me, they are my children - all of them. Even my family, including my husband (bdad) cannot influence my decision to maintain contact with my bson and to help foster a relationship with his siblings. I do hope that your bmom can overcome her emotions. Keep true to yourself. Nobody can make you feel uneasy about yourself - only if you let them. IMO she is missing out.

IMO she is missing out. I don't want her to miss out. She doesn't feel the same when she changes I'll be first to announce it from the rooftops. :love:

We all descended on my parents for Easter and my son (and his wife) met his half-sisters for the first time. They were all nervous; but I was sure they would like each other as they are much alike in certain ways/interests. It went really, really well. We all had a good time. We also had some other relatives to stop by to meet him. He did really well through all of the "inspections" ;-). That was my second time to meet with him; but I find myself wishing that I had him to myself. I was in tears a few times thinking about how much I like him and how much we missed out on by not being together. While I'm glad that he is being pulled into the family circle and made to feel welcome, I'm feeling like he's moving further away emotionally. We still talk, but it's more superficial and not really about our feelings like it used to be. I know this is selfish; but I find myself wondering if he's satisfied with learning about us and now doesn't feel that need for me anymore. I think I don't really like sharing him so much.

Mockingbird I think it's possible that instead of being superficial it's becoming more common-place. Over the 7 years I have been in reunion I have noticed the change in our attitude to each other. Where we were once at that exciting time - the "getting to know who each was" stage, it was sooooo one on one - both trying so hard to connect and make it real. Then we moved onto the stage where I think you are. We both knew the other was not going to run - we knew enough about each other so the "obsession" with facts had gone. More like family, but less intense, each sort of settling into a pattern. From my reunion experience, I doubt any couple whether romantically or familiar, could sustain that level of emotional intensity for too long. I too missed the excitement and total commitment, but what you have now comes without the fear and the moments of panic. I guess too, reality bites. We now know we can't make up for lost time. We have shared the stories, but it's not the same as living it. We have to make a future that is ours, because the past is gone and we can't change that. I remind myself often that we will make lasting memories.... (I already have a few of them) and make the most of every opportunity. It sounds like your family gathering was great. I would think his head was reeling with all the new names and trying to fit them into the family frame. ((Hugs)) to you. You'll get your time alone, and I hope you have many more family occasions to share with him. Ann

Mockingbird,I completely understand where you are coming from. I've been in reunion for a little over 8 months and I fear that my bson and I are moving further away emotionally but in reality we are just in another phase of reunion. And for me that is so hard to embrace b/c at times it seems so superficial. I have to remind myself that we don't always have to talk of our feeling and deep subjects but that we are at a stage of creating new memories and just enjoying and getting to know each other. I don't like sharing him with his own family!I spent 5 days at his house over Easter and how much better can that get! I will have to continue to remind myself that we are still getting to know each other and the relationship will not happen over night but we have such a bond that I don't think can be broken.Hugs and just try to relax and enjoy your reunion.

Thanks kune and kathy79. It's good to know that I'm not out there alone in my feelings. I just feel like I'm emotionally starved for him. We have been in reunion now for going on 5 months. I have been able to see him twice (for several days each time). It has been so hard to leave him. We talk on the phone every week; but I want to be doing something with him--creating memories and having shared experiences. You can't do that by phone. I had thought that the rollercoaster ride was over; but I see now I was just in the first dip!

Mockingbird, I'm almost 2 years in and I can't see an end to the roller coaster but the hills and valleys are smaller. Kune's post rings true - I'm past the initial woohoo! phase and I feel that bson knows I'm not going anywhere. His life is quite busy at the moment so I'm holding back calling but our e-mails keep us both updated and f2f visits are quite enjoyable. We both know that we can't make up the time but know that neither of us are at fault (which is a huge relief to me). I just wish the rest of my family was as accepting but that's their issues, not mine. All the best and remember, you will make your own memories, in time. All good things come to those who wait. take care.

Mockingbird Oh...5 months is soooooo new. It's so intense and it's like your whole day is paced around how often you think of him and how many times you question your new relationship. It's big breathe time......knowing you can't run ....... take one step at a time. It's allowing yourself to settle down and for both of you to make sense of this familiar stranger who has entered your lives. Don't hurry it.......let it take it's own pace. You have so much time ahead and slow for the first year (at least) should be your present goal IMO. I have to smile here Mockingbird.....someone wrote the same stuff to me about 5 months into my reunion and I thought......"I'm going so slow I'm almost at a standstill" BUT.....I wasn't. I was pushing my own person emotional and physical boundaries. I was lacking sleep and being totally obsessive. My hubby was spending more time in "his cave" because this unpredictable women had taken over his wife's body and was hovering somewhere between Pluto or Mars. Give yourself time to sort it.....give your son time too. You have the rest of your life to make this wonderful. (Smile)) Ann

Things are going well. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on regarding adoption issues and came across a quote that I absolutely love: Oh, to meet you once again! To pick up the thread that I left dangling so long ago, to weave it into my life, to finally emerge whole. Oh, the peace and wonder of it. (by LEE CAMPBELL) It is so perfect for reunion.

Mockingbird I love a line out of Eva Cassidy's songs. "Cause I know you by heart". Oh...so true!!!! Ann

While my son is curious about the family, he is not interested in meeting his bio-father at this time. I recently came across some information about his cousin (on his biodad's side--there are none on my side) who is a few years younger and they seem to have a LOT of interests in common. SO, do I pass along this information now or wait until he says he's ready to meet his biodad?