Can you tell me what you would think?

Hi guys. Sorry I need to vent a little today.So a good friend of ours' mom died and the wake was last night. Our friend's sister is a birth mom who placed her son for adoption 43 years ago. This kid was at the wake with his a parents, his wife and his kid (very sweet). Anyway, DH and I are talking about that, and he says, "Geez, isn't it great that a reunion can work out great like that?" (sort of sarcastically). I said, "Well, are you really trying to make your reunion work out?" He said, "What more do I have to say? I tried. What am I going to do...send little emails every now and again?" I said, "well, if you don't want to email with your birth mom, then you should at least let her know and not leave her hanging." DH: "you don't get it." OK, I am not "getting it." I get that. But I am sorry -- rude is rude. I also am hellbent on not "inserting" myself into this anymore because it just causes us to argue and I don't know what the point is. I know you will all have constructive advice....unfortunately, I don't think DH will listen to it. This all makes me sad (though I am optimistic it will have a happier ending).

Lovejax, It sounds like to me that he is not ready, only he might not know that. He may be grappling with all these feelings that are not indentifable. It can be a very confusing, mindniggling thing. Large amount of fear that is easier to just not deal with especially for a guy. I am willing to assuume that when he saw your friends sister and her son and family all "reunited" it brought up many conflicting feelings and fears. I know for me it would be a feeling of sadness, mingled with anger(why could't it be that good for me), confusion..as in does it really matter, even though my whole life I have told it does not? and many other feelings..but intially it is very difficult to idenitfy what those feelings are...its just a feeling that is difficult to sort out, many feelings that are diffucult to sort out..so its easier to just avoid. He should not be judged for that because he really can't help it. The other folks in adoption all have a point that they can say my pain comes from such and such(birthmoms at the point of relinqishment, amoms at fertitlity or mom issues...reunion issues for both) But for an adoptee(and this is all just my opinion and my thoughts, I don't claim to speak for every adoptee) the feelings are all scrambled and there is no starting point. There may not even be pain just confusion..........I don't know, I am rambling here.....he may not feel any of it at all! I agree that it is rude of him not to respond, I am willing to bet it is out of fear. I seriously wish they would right a book on adopted males...they see things so differntly that for us touchy/feely females to try to figure it out is tough. I see it in my brother. Could there be an attitude of "...you made me wait now you can wait!"...little supressed anger?

Thank you, Dpen!! I do think there is definitely some fear and maybe a "bit" of anger involved (why the anger, I don't know, but I do sense a bit of it). DH hasn't told his family about the contact he had with his birth mom. I think he was waiting until they actually met or talked. Anyway, I wish he would because my SIL went thru a pretty emotional reunion and I am sure she could help much better than I can!

Love, My brother has anger and he has never met or wanted to meet his bmom. This is just a huge guess here...but if in fact he meets, talks to his bmom he has to confront some very difficult feelings that he doesn't want to.....thats makes him MAD....you know the male thing.... It doesn't matter often times what kind of wonderful upbringing or wonderful family he had..it still cause some conflicting feelings and fear...makes him a little mad...you know that male thing.... Then again he just might like the status quo and does want to upset the apple cart

Dpen, the really weird thing is that I really thought our going thru the adoption process ourselves was "cathartic" for him. He met birth moms at our sessions (and of course knows how much DD's birth mom loves her). But I don't know....maybe it also set him up for some unrealistic expectations? Anyway, yes, it is a very male thing...and god knows, I don't get men! But maybe I got thru a bit because last night he said, "I will email her before easter." So I hope he can get this back on track somehow! Thanks again for your valuable insight!

Loveajax, oh, your poor hubby -- I think Dpen6 hit it right on the head with her diagnosis of his anxiety as an adoptee. It also doesn't help that he is a man. LOL. For a variety of reasons, my abrother has never wanted to search. As far as writing letters, I think it is most often the wife who is better at communicating -- in my marriage, I buy the greeting cards (for my husband to sign) and send the newsy letters and photos to his family. We still have some of my hubby's old college friends on our Christmas card list, and it turns out that it is the wives who end up writing to each other!!! I'm glad to hear that your husband plans to email his bmom. All he needs to do is send a short note saying "thinking of you; hope you're doing well" with perhaps a couple new pictures of your family. Maybe he'd rather just sign a greeting card with just a sentence or two of his own so he doesn't have to feel like he has to write a letter. I personally think a tangible card might be a little better than an email because she could put it on her desk and be reminded of him. But any communication is better than no communication at all. Good luck and best wishes.

Thank you, Sonia. You are right -- this shouldn't be a surprise (as I had hand cramps filling out xmas cards -- many to his friends and family members!). His bmom has asked to communicate by email (she lives with a son) so I think that's the "mode" for now. And anxiety is a good word, I think, to describe how I "think" he is feeling.

I just wanted to give a quick update....after almost 8 months (grrrr), dh emailed his birth mom last night with a bunch of pictures...and an apology for not emailing sooner. Although I have put "bugs" in his ear, I decided to step back. I am so glad he did this. I hope his birth mom doesn't wait 8 mos to respond! I also really hope he can meet her...my dad has been very ill and hospitalized and I keep thinking how important it is to try to have good relationships. Anyway, I wanted to thank you all again for your support!

I haven't read the entire thread, but I hope it's alright to jump in. I think Dpen is on track. A few more things that might be going through his head: When you guys adopted, you met all these birthmothers, who were open to reunion, relinquishing with, somewhat, more of a choice than his Bmom probably had, and, considering todays time, and how adoption has changed, bmom's, who were, maybe, a little better supported and equipped emotionally? Because his Bmom came from a different time and era in adoption, she may have issues that the bmoms you met did not have. Could his expectations have been based on these Bmoms feelings towards their relinquished children? When I read about your husband, I thought about a thread I started called "Where Do Our Expectations Come From", and wondered if he had felt, towards his reunion with Bmom, like I did. Maybe he, on some subconscious level, expected her to be thrilled to be found, because "all" moms, birth or otherwise, love and want their children? Another thing I wondered was if he felt like I did about contact. There came a time in, both, my reunions, when I had to ask myself, if birthday cards, Christmas cards, and an occasional phone call or email, once or twice a year, was all I was going to get, was it really worth it. I recall thinking, if this was all they could give me, and weren't willing to be a part of my life, or really have me as a part of theirs, what was the point of any relationship at all? It just simply hurt too much. I don't know if your husband feels any of this, but thought I'd throw it out there just in case. Oh, and geez, aren't men all alike. My husband, not adopted, calls his mother once a week. She answers the phone. He says hellow, and how are you. She talks for a few minutes, and then, he hands me the phone. She and I do all the talking. Even funnier, his son comes to visit. Hubby is all excited before his son gets there. Son shows up, and this is their conversations, after not seeing each other for months. H "Hi son, how are you?" S "Fine" H "How's work" S "Fine, how's work for you?" H "Fine" You guys get the picture. Drives me batty. I've seen them sit for hours and never say a word, but just content to be together. Hubby and his dad do the same. Nen are definitely strange creatures.

Shadow, I so appreciate your post and your insight....and yes, it definitely resonates with me. My Dh has a saying (and it's true): "I am an all or nothing guy." And this sort of "limbo" (email only contact) really isn't his "thing." The hardest part is that his birth mom lives literally 10 minutes from us!! I can't speak for what her "reticence" in meeting him...whether it's because of her stroke, the fact that DH is a "secret" from her other children and current DH, emotions...? To be honest though it is even hard on ME because I am like, "Doesn't she want to meet her son and granddaughter?" It just makes me hurt for DH. But I am sure there are more chapters to this book! And yes I did read that expectations thread very closely and learned a lot! Thanks again.

Ajax - glad to hear about the update! I hope DH hears back from her soon!!! (fingers crossed!)

I am gald he took the leap. Hope things work out well.:love:

Ajax, I'm so glad to hear that DH contacted his birth mother. I know it was driving you up the wall. As to how long it will take for her to respond...I gave up a long time ago trying to predict these things. It could be in a few days...or a few months.I've given up trying to figure out reunions. I just take 'em one day at a time, hoping for the best. My son has gone into "silent mode"...once again. You'd think that after almost 20 years of having me back in his life, he could just tell me that he needs some space or he doesn't want to talk to me right now. But all I hear back from him is...nothing. Emails go unanswered, and phone calls unreturned. It's frustrating, to say the least, but hey, that's life. I've just come to expect it...and I know he'll be back after a while. :p

Thank you, ladies!!! I hope you hear from your son soon too, Raven. I don't know how anyone maintains sanity in these reunions....seriously!!

Loveajax,I am so happy that your husband and his birth mom have found each other again through contact. My only concern is you saying that your husband is a very private person. As an adoptee, I would be absolutely mortified if the conversations of my reunions were being posted. I hope you don't take this as an attack, it is not meant to be one. But reunions are delicate and if he were to discover these postings, it might shatter him and subsequently, the stability of the reunion. I understand that you care and love him, but please trust him enough to handle his situation. All the best!