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My 16 year son called me last night asking me for help with a situation his close friends are going through. Yep-at 16 his best friend J, and his now ex-girlfriend A are 5 months along.
A is currently talking with the same adoption councelor I did, when I was going throught the process. She wants to talk with me and the adoption councelor together. I agreed. I am fully willing to be there for her. My son has told me she is also thinking of parenting.
C is rebelling. He won't talk to my son about it, he wants the baby to be put up for adoption and have nothing to do with it. My son is very upset about this. I have explained that his reaction is probably due to fear and he needs to continue to be there for him as a friend.
I was pregnant at 16 and parented my son. He is the one I am refering to here. So, I can relate to J and A's situation.
I also had an adoption plan for my now 1 yr old. I couldn't go through with the adoption plan and chose parenting. So, I also know abit about this process.
I want to help these two, both are AWESOME kids, they do well in school, sports and are always welcome at my home. I'm kinda stuck though. Should I first talk with the parents? Both parents are aware of the pregnancy. I tried to think what I would like if my son was in this prodictament. I think I would like the other parent to talk with me first.
I so want to make sure the agency doesn't play the same "games" with her as they did with me. I want to help her make a very educated decision.
What would you do if you were in my shoes? I'd appreciate any advice you would have.
Thanx
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Rondidondi It sounds like she has a lot of support and as I said before, is very lucky to have you.
As I said before and I can only relate from my own past & recent experience, I interviewed many councilors and yes, most were more focused on the baby (and therefore adoption) than they were on my niece. I wanted someone who cared more about my niece than the event at hand. Some of the questions I asked were:
֓How are you paid? I was looking for salary Ԗ no bonus no commissions.
֓How do you spend your time Ԗ For her, 80% of time is options counseling and helping girls navigate the government services available
How many of your girls choose adoptionӔ No firm numbers but MOST of her girls choose to parent and she helps them prepare by referring programs and if things go wrong after birth (evictions, parents kick them out, stress, ect.) she is there for them as well.
I spent a lot of time interviewing and found one that I truly believe was unbiased and yes, she was going to say some things that made me bite my fingers!! I bring this up because I don֒t feel that all a-councilors get a fair shake on these forums. I will admit, I met one TERRIBLE a-councilor (talk of foster care threats and placements at McDonalds) But, in the end, thatҒs the beauty of having a supportive adult involved. We have no problem recognizing the bad ones and telling them not to call back (I believe I also suggested a change in her career path as well).
As far as parents having no say, they shouldnŒt and dont Җ BUT this has a HUGE impact on their life. They too can end up parenting (albeit in a more passive way) and they don֒t have the right to sever ties with a child who is still a minor. There are financial considerations and at the end of the day, the chances of a good outcome are severely diminished without their support regardless of the choice. Parents struggle a great deal and deserve to be recognized, supported and above all, HEARD in this very complicated equation. My initial caution was to be very careful about interference (which you arent doing and I applaud).
My niece has chosen adoption and my heart is sick. If she chose parenting my heart would hurt just as much. Nothing is easy and there are losses in either choice. Yes, parents hurt too҅.
She has a good friend in you. Given my sway towards adoption, I dont know if this will be helpful in her re-eval (which again, KUDOҒs to you for suggesting). My Niece and I did some of the following:
1 Send her to this website to read stories of teens parenting today: [url=http://www.teenageparent.org/english/stories.html]Life in the Fast Lane--Teen Stories[/url] Then we discussed her fears and concerns and out-right denial (֓I would never feel that way)
2 Ԗ Printed this and had her read it: [url=http://www.whiteoakfoundation.org/whatbpshouldknow.htm]What You Should Know If You're Considering Adoption For Your Baby[/url] Again, we discussed her fears and concerns. Since I was a b-mom, I have some insights both good & bad.
3 - Find out how quickly she could finish HS
4 - Figure out the amount of $$ she would qualify for in Student Loans (No way was she NOT going to college Parents have some say so!! hehehe) FAFSA calculators work great - don֒t forget to look for College grants made available by your state). Heres a FAFSA Calc: [url=http://www.fafsa4caster.ed.gov/index.htm]FAFSA4caster - U.S. Department of Education[/url]
5 - Then we looked at how much $$ she would get from social services (using her grant money as income and working 10-20hrs a week). She qualified for WIC, food stamps, daycare subsidies, housing vouchers (which I hear take a lifetime to get so we need to get her on a list as soon as she is able) Җ no TANF due to her grant $$. Fathers contribution was $130-$250/month.
6 - With our income numbers fixed, we worked out a budget (diapers, formula, clothes - for her & baby, daycare etc.)
This gave her an indication of the financial struggles and lifestyle she would be living into for the next 6-8 years.
We also discussed her obligations with regards to an open adoption plan. With OA she is also committing to her child for life. It is not to be taken lightly. If she chooses adoption it will become her job and responsibility to become the person that the baby will be proud to call birthmom. It is also her responsibility to maintain and foster a caring and loving relationship with the a-parents while also maintaining boundaries on both sides. And perhaps the most challenging of all, it is her responsibility to herself to commit to healing which may or may not be a lifelong process.
So I donҒt know if any of this will be helpful but thanks for letting me go on so It helps me anywayօ
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Oceans- Again some very good information - Thank you
I do realize a grandchild coming too soon does have a GREAT impact. I stressed to April that she make sure SHE'S raising the child. As it is not her parents job to do so. I look at my son, if he were to become a father-OH MY WHAT WOULD I DO? - Well, support him on his decision and live each day as it comes, just as I do now. We raise our kids the best we know how and eventually they make their own decisions. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.
This is the pamphlet I already gave her. It is an awesome source.
The other sources you gave seem to be great. I will print them off and send them her way.
Thank you again for all your insight.
lonni-yeah, I do believe this is the April you've been hearing about. There were some very beautiful and heart touching letters, weren't there. I know I shed quite a few tears over them.
taramayrn-Prayers are always appreciated. Lord, knows these kids will need them. They have a ruff road ahead of them.
Just have to add that April and Chad are currently arguing. :( I guess April has chosen a name and Chad doesn't like it. I was talking with Andrew, (my son) about it. I mentioned how both need to realize that they need to work as a team, they now have a child to consider. It's hard, it took Andrew's father and i a few years to let go of our anger towards each other and just think of Andrew. Now, heck we can go out for pizza and even took a trip together as friends. I suggested counceling for both on parenting and getting along.
As far as parents having no say, they shouldn’t and don’t – BUT – this has a HUGE impact on their life. They too can end up parenting (albeit in a more passive way) and they don’t have the right to sever ties with a child who is still a minor. There are financial considerations and at the end of the day, the chances of a good outcome are severely diminished without their support regardless of the choice. Parents struggle a great deal and deserve to be recognized, supported and above all, HEARD in this very complicated equation. My initial caution was to be very careful about interference (which you aren’t doing and I applaud).
2 – Printed this and had her read it: What You Should Know If You're Considering Adoption For Your Baby Again, we discussed her fears and concerns. Since I was a b-mom, I have some insights both good & bad.
Best of luck to this young couple! Hopefully they will realize soon that a disagreement over a baby name is the least they'll have to worry about.
Again, they have a great friend and resource in you, which I am so grateful for!
Along with Tara I'll be sending best wishes to this young family. Keep us posted!
Seeing I was asked to keep you all posted-thought I'd do just that.
April is amazed at a pregnancy book I gave her. (I can't believe she didn't have one!) She told Andrew she read the chapter on what month she was in and EVERYTHING they mentioned she was experiencing! Glad, she'll have a reference now.
I've given her info on local parenting, birthing classes, and teen parenting support groups. I also gathered info on WIC and a few other financial support systems. However, I wonder if these groups will consider her parents income, seeing she'll be living at home. I plan on calling them to find out.
Chad came out for supper with us the other night and he is really excepting being a father now. Even paged through a baby magazine I had laying in the car. His concern that night was how "uncool" a car seat was going to look in his car. :) I think he realizes what an impact this will make on his life, but he is willing to tackle it full force. Though he won't be living with his daughter, he has plans to help out.
Last-once her parents and I stop playing answering machine tag, I plan on getting their permission to hold an "Online baby shower" for her on my blog. I've had a few offers to help her out, so thought this may be kinda a fun way to do it.
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Rondi - what a great resource you are for this young couple. I know, when I was pregnant, I felt so uneducated about everything, until I got that book "What to expect when you're expecting". It's amazing what a little knowledge will do for someone. I do believe that knowledge is power. I hope she continues to have a healthy pregnancy.
It's amazing to see the transformation this couple is taking. I will continue to pray for them as they have a long road ahead of them.
Rondidondi
Susan,Thank you!I think I'm doing for them, what I wish I had someone doing for me. - Does that make sense? What I lacked is their gain. :)
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Wow - you are just awesome. As a grandma to a surprise baby born to a solo mom, I would be very interested in the on-line shower. My husband and I and my daughter can well afford to provide for her son. But, oh my goodness, the affirmation that my daughter received via two baby showers was priceless. Every person who contributed was a vote of confidence in her ability to be a mother. The showers went far beyond providing material goods. Happy G'Ma
happygmom-April's father is a single parent. Men don't have babyshowers-ya know! :) So, I want to do what I can! She is having a small one held by a friend, so I assume its basically going to a bunch of teenage girls.
My friend and I went and put her registration under her pretend name - "April Shower" from WI. The service desk employee thought it was a really neat idea and took down the info. She told me an item to scan and that she wanted to go online and send it to April. (The item...super cute booties, they were pink knit.)
I ended getying good deals on a few clearance items. I BOUGHT PINK!! LOTS OF PINK!!! (I have 3 boys so pink excites me!)
I hope to get the info on the blog tomorrow. Should probably be doing it now, but wanted to check out the forum instead and then it's off to bed! :)
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