Wow I've turned into a jerk

I sounds like you are suffering from the trust and abandonment issues that a lot of adoptees face. I just recently came to the realization that the depression and other issues that I have been dealing with since I was a kid are a result of my adoption. So far writing in my journal has helped and I have started reading books about adoption. I read the short version of Primal Wound on the internet and it changed my life. I made my boyfriend (who was adopted out of foster care) read it so he could better understand my behavior and try to understand my feelings. Are there any adoptee support groups in your area? Maybe someone can refer you to a therapist who specializes in adoption issues. Many adoption agencies provide post adoption care pehaps they can tell you about support groups or therapists. Hang in there!

I've read the full version of the Primal Wound and wow it was an eye opener. Actually it was what really helped me understand why I act the way I do. As for the question if there are support groups... I can't find 'em. I cannot find any type of adoptee support or counseling, it's all for birth mother. So amidst all my abandonment issues, I'm having to face yet another one with absolutely NO support. UGH I hate who I am.

Hi, Craig... I noticed from another thread that you live in San Jose, CA. So I've been trying to track down an adoptee support group for you. There is an organization that may be able to help you there in San Jose. It's called Search-Finders of California. This is the blurb from their homepage: "Search-Finders of California, Inc. is a non-profit, volunteer search and support organization comprised of adult adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents and others searching for relatives or lost loved ones. Our purpose is to assist in searches and/or reunions and provide continuous, ongoing support. A safe environment is available in which to share the wide range of emotions involved in the search and reunion. The opportunity is offered for anyone involved to share his or her experiences with other in the group. They hold regular group monthly meetings (open to everyone) on the 2nd Thursday of the each month at 7:00 p.m. The meeting currently takes place at: Pro Image Photography Studio, 1856 Camden Avenue, San Jose, CA 95124 (next to Arby's). You can reach them at (408) 356-6711 or visit their website at [url=http://www.geocities.com/search_finders/index.html]Search-Finders of California[/url]. Another option would be to call the Santa Clara County Social Services Agency, Department of Family and Children's Services at (408) 975-5119. Ask to speak to someone who handles Post-Adoption Services. They can refer you to therapists who have experience with adoption issues, as well as support groups. Also, if you were relinquished through Santa Clara County, they provide counseling services for adult adoptees. Their address is 333 West Julian Street, San Jose, CA 95110. Their website is [url=http://www.santaclaraadoption.org/index.html]Santa Clara County Department of Family & Children's Services[/url]. (Click on the Post Adoption link on the left side of the page for details.) I hope this helps you in finding some support close to home. Hang in there, kiddo! :)

Thank you for the help!!

I am like you sometimes, although I get labeled the crazy woman. I know how hard it is to find help (try being both a first mom and adopted adult, counselors TOTALLY don't know how to help that, and tack on living in the wilds.) My boyfriend accused me of being comfortable in chaos and that I don't want anything to be safe. He might partly be right in that. I distance myself so I don't get hurt and I plan how to reject someone else first so that they can't reject me, because of course they will reject me right? I'm taking baby steps towards him and not rushing things for a change. There is someone meant for you, but it can be darn hard finding them. I agree too that it is hard to be the unmarried, not parenting person. I'm there and it sucks. All of my friends have significant others and kids and then there is me. I have a bf sure, but he lives an hour away. I have a kiddo sure, but I don't parent him. Sigh, I wish there was an easy way to fix all of it.

Wow, I could have written your original post. That is exactly the way I feel, especially today. I looked around & found a singles support group that deals with emotional issues... not just any specific subject. I think it will help me. As for your friends, I know, they just don't get it. But then you have to realize that it's a part of life to out-grow other people. They seem to be going in one direction while you're going in another. It's perfectly normal to grieve the loss of your friends, especially since they seem to be dropping off one by one. I imagine your friend who told you that hurt your feelings but at least she respected you enough to tell you face to face instead of walking away & talking trash behind your back. She might not be able to understand, but she might be a good friend in other areas in your life. BTW - I hate dating. It just seems that most men I talk to pursue too aggressively & it makes me run. I can't just enjoy going out with them because I feel as if I have to constatly pull the reigns. Then they make me the bad guy. What a mess. This is why I have cats. They make me mad, I shoot them with a watergun, all is well. I wish things were always that simple.

Hi there,you are not alone. My son could have written the post you've just written. I am his birthmother and I'm having a tough time with him, because he is hard to be around and I've only seen him once in nearly 2 years. However, what is the ANSWER. The answer is to understand where you are coming from and all that you have said has one common theme - its behaviour that stems from defenses you have as an adoptee. I'm not here to trivialise you as a person, but behind that difficult demeanour, I'm betting that there is a lot of pain and anger and you have found that no-one can even come close to telling you why you feel the way you do, so what next? Well my son responded very well and got a lot of comfort from my efforts to understand him and it would seem that the only person on this planet that 'gets it' is Nancy Verrier. I would recommend (if you feel you can, my son can't, so I have to drip feed him stuff when he's up for it) that you read: you've already said that you've read 'The Primal Wound' and thousands of adoptees have said that she is bang on when it comes to validating and explaining their feelings and where they come from and why. So, next is the utterly superb IMHO "Coming Home To Self - the adoptee grows up" which is not as harsh as it may sound. It helps an adoptee to realise that their adoption has left them with a chameleon like attempt to blend into their new environment with strangers called adoptive parents and they lose their real self to the 'false self' and that in turn leads to various things such as loss of self esteem, lack of confidence, identity issues, problems with relationships etc. I don't think I could do any better than encourage you to have a bite size taste of her stuff like now, on [url=http://www.nancyverrier.com]Nancy Verrier[/url] as there are pages addressed to each member of the 'triad' as its known. I hope this helps. You may be despairing, but inside, like my son, I think you want relief - and from what I've seen, read, put my son's way, he is so relieved that as his bmother, I 'get' what is going on. The hardest bit now for him is to use that information to improve his life, to do his own research, vent, find others that feel the same, trouble is, at the moment, he's not ready to do it. So it will have to be at a time when you feel you can. I have to warn you though, from one adoptees response to CH2Self, she found it hard, but if its worth having a less troubled life and more peace than you've got now, would it be worth it to you? At the moment, my son is anaesthetising his emotions with drugs and alcohol. I'm not sure if he will be ready in the near future, but like anything, it gets back to the person themself. I wish you much success and relief from your emotions, but be reassured, you have made great steps by coming to these forums. Janny

I hope you get the help you need. I am working with a therapist now. I am 30 and single, and don't trust anyone, or I'm too quick to trust. I have trouble forming relationships, my friends are all married, in LTR's and lots seem to be having children. I feel like that will never be me because I don't trust myself to be in a relationship, I don't trust my judgement. But I am working on it. Adoption issues, are the tip of the ice berg for me, but the iceberg is sticking way out of the water. keep going, find support some how, shrink or group.

Thank you everyone. I just completely broke down. It's been a very emotional ride today. My brother (my A-mom's real son), just moved to Seattle today and I'm feeling that nasty abandonment feeling again. As for my friends... I just want more of my non-adopted friends to better understand me. They all think I'm crazy and I can turn this off as simply as flipping a switch. But I guess I can take comfort that I'm not alone in this world when it comes to this.

Even when there are 'two' adopted children in the household, there is a quantum shift over the years, where one will be the 'acquiescent' one and the other 'acting out' for all to see. This is something that Verrier has recognised in thousands of households and it repeats itself too often to be a coincidence. It has nothing to do with the personality of the person, its the pain manifesting itself and one takes one role and the other, whats left. However, because one 'appears' quiet and 'nothing wrong' (how 'wrong' can you be?) the one that is 'acting out' gets to feel that he is the odd one in the family and it exacerbates the pain. The 'quiet' one, can, in instances, get to feel a little over righteous in their position, but the truth is, BOTH are dealing with their pain, but the dynamics of adoption seems to bring this rather strange balance of things (Coming Home to Self - N Verrier). SO, I can imagine how you feel if your brother is not adopted, and how that too exacerbates your feelings of worthlessness and aggravates every feeling in your bones that you don't fit!!! Compounds your sense of loss, as he is YOUR BROTHER and he is GOING AWAY. All the years you have spent together, and he's going away. No wonder you feel abandoned. That has got to hurt. When you understand yourself better, then your friends will. I have had 30 years of my friends not understanding my anger and pain and lashing out. Now that they know about my son (which I kept a secret for the most part, too much pain), they DO understand, some. But as I grow in understanding of both my son and myself, they get to grow in understanding as I explain how it feels and what defenses are in play. Your friends will respond to the new you that is learning about you, don't worry, that will come in due time. You do need 'adoptee' friends and you can get a load on here. I don't know what I would do without these forums and my 'community' of pals that help me through some pretty tough times. It must feel to you though that you are so alone on this planet. There are so many here that can relate to how you feel. Please, get venting, talk to us, it helps, it really does. I think you are doing great that you have gotten this far. Take care, its overwhelming, but you have made great steps. It takes a lot of courage to recognise not who you are, but what you've become. We look forward to getting to know the person you really are inside, that has been buried in the grief, pain and hurt. hope its ok to send you some (((Hugs))))Janny

I was in foster care as an infant & I have problems with getting close to people. Especially since my bio-family is cold & dysfunctional (at least they put the fun in dysfunction, though). Anyway, I always feel like a misfit wherever I go. It's like I don't belong anywhere, & I can't find that connection that I need. I don't have a problem getting a date, but I have problems developing relationships. I've decided not to let this bring me down though. (sometimes that's not so easy) If I can't have a handful of close friends, then I'll have a boat load of acquaintances. Maybe it will lead to some close friendships... who knows? If I can't get married & have kids, then I can be a single woman & adopt kids. Why not? I'm learning to just accept the past & the effects it has had on me, learning to be as healthy (forget normal) as possible, & trying to enjoy the here & now. I know it's difficult & it takes time, but I've just dealt with a few years of depression & grief, & I would just like to start enjoying my life now. Sometimes if you can't go over the mountain, you've got to go around it. I joined a singles group last night that is sort of a support group. It deals with loss. It's great, except that most people are twice my age! Talk about feeling like a misfit. But I decided I'd go back. Why? Well, it doesn't matter where I go, I'll always feel like a misfit, so I might as well go anyway & try enjoying being a misfit. Yep, I'm the baby of the group. Stick a label on me. And I figured it wouldn't be bad to have a group of people I can spend time with. Now if I take art classes, I can have some artistic people to hang out with. And when I fill out the paperwork for volunteering, I'll meet some charitable people to hang out with. I might go home to an empty house, but if I start out with many acquaintances, who knows... I might be able to develop some real relationships. (And one of those old foggies might have a single son... hehehehe) Now I'm not saying that what you're going through isn't significant. I'm just saying that you don't have to be defeated by it. And if people don't understand then it's okay for you to walk away, because they are not good for you. You are outgrowing each other, & just because they are getting married & having kids doesn't mean that they're doing better than you. It's just different, & who knows what happens behind closed doors? I also get to feeling sorry for myself (my human right) at times & I feel like I'm more screwed up than other people. Then they reveal something about themselves & I find out they are just as screwed up as me, just in different ways... and sometimes they're screwed up worse than me & they're 'normal.' Whatever. I also wonder, what are your good points? As messed up as I can be & unable to develop relationships like normal people seem to, I pay my bills on time & I'm good at my job... and I enjoy it. I'm responsible, an upstanding citizen, & I am a good friend when somebody needs one. I'm just not prefect & it hurts sometimes, but I think that's just part of being human. Just my rant. Sorry it took so long. Hope this helps & I wish the best for you. PM me if you want to.

As if my brother moving wasn't enough, now I get a phone call from a gal I was dating 5 months ago and I thought I would never hear from her again. She talks to me telling me how much she missed me and what not. 12 hours later I come to find out she was drunk last night and was drunk dialing me. I now feel like an official resident of Rejectionville.

I hate the drunken phone calls. Don't feel bad, pity her for doing stupid things. That is the only thing you can do in that situation.

On the contrary, I find that people on substances are usually telling the truth when they're afraid to say what they are thinking. Is it possible there is a chance or am I that naive??? I'll admit, I don't know many drunk people.

Well I guess really I don't need her in my life. She's a lousy drunk and after being mad for a while I asked myself, "Do I really need that stuff in my life?". I really don't, I'd rather be alone than be with a drunk.