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Something kind of curious has been happening w/ M lately. We have always had a good, open relationship w/ her and w/ her family. Many of you know that the latest development is that she's parenting her new baby, who's about a month old now. It's a mess, there are problems w/ the bdad, and (I think) some kind of serious safety concerns, but I have done all I can to help with them. Here's what's on my mind right now----she wants to talk (via e-mail) every day now. I know some of this is that she's at home w/ a newborn who (presumably) sleeps a fair amount, and she doesn't keep the house, so she's got a little time on her hands. I also realize that she is feeling a distinct difference in the amount of positive attention she got when H was born and what's happening now. And, finally, I think she sees me as an adult to talk to that's not her parents---a rarity in her life. But I am feeling a little conflicted about this. I would have been OK w/ us raising the child and continuing the relationship w/ her family that we already had (and that's what we would have done if bdad had agreed, but he would not.) I am hopeful that she (w/ her parents' help) can do this. But I do NOT really want to be her everyday resource for parenting or her sounding board for daily drama (and it's there!) In fact, I'm not sure I want to have contact EVERY DAY---that's not been the nature of this relationship to date. We aren't really friends, as I know some of you are w/ your children's birthmothers. I don't mean that I don't love her or appreciate her, I mean that we don't have a friendship outside this other special relationship we have. So what I'm struggling with is this---I think I fill some need she has right now, but I don't want to set up an expectation that we can talk every day or that I'm willing to help her raise her child. We would have done it ourselves, but I'm not going to do it by proxy. Has anyone else gone through this? Got any insight for me?
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I honestly don't have any insight, H. If you read your post, I think you will see that you do understand what is likely going on. It was only recently that DD's birth mom and I started to exchange emails. This may sound "bad" but I don't like being in contact with ANYONE (except DD and DH) every day (we don't email every day or even a lot). So I think you could either "address" it head on or just be sort of cognizant that you dont have to respond right away to every email, etc. Good luck!
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I'm an especially blunt person, so, the blunt part of me says that you should tell her that last part: Assuming you don't want to do that as an exact quote, what I've seen other people do is to:- stop answering the phone/email every time she calls/writes- set a timer and tell her that you can only talk for X minutes- explain to her, nicely of course, that you're sorry about her situation, but that you need to raise your family and have your life- try to put her in touch with a counselor, as it sounds like she needs it, badlyI'm sorry for your situation. I hope it improves!:hippie:
I don't want to set up an expectation that we can talk every day or that I'm willing to help her raise her child. We would have done it ourselves, but I'm not going to do it by proxy.