The aparents (family) of two of my children are using the rest of the family and myself as punishment for bad behavior. The next time we see them is Christmas (Dec 30th for us) and I am going to try and keep things civil. I know I can do it because it has been so long since I have seen them they will be all I can think about the rest may not. My problem is how do I explain that using family as a behavior bargaining chip is WRONG without making their aparents feel attacked ??? I mean that is what child molesters do to kids! It should never be done by someone who loves a child (or anyone else but...) how do I point out what they are doing gently? ANY HELP IS NEEDED AND APPRECIATED!
As I understand it, your uncle has adopted your oldest children 11 and 9 years. You call them adoptive parents, so I assume that an order has gone through and your children are now legally theirs? if this is the case, then can I ask why you are saying that they are trying to rewrite your family? as I assume that you have terminated your parental rights? Is it an open adoption for the children 11 & 9?
Its just that I saw "closed adoption' in your profile, so I'm wondering what the situation is. How many children do you have? Who is in closed adoption and who is not? As in closed adoption, access is nil.
As has already been said, its hard to comment and give the kind of support you need, as none of us have enough information to hand, so I will try and guess - but that could be hurtful to you, if you feel I am wide off the mark.
I'm guessing that you have an open adoption and that certain access has been agreed, but the adoptive parents have chosen to refuse that access and now you are strung out terribly because the next visit that you have so longed for and gone without for such a long time, is now 30 Dec. So that means that your heart is ready to burst, because it means that both their birthdays will have passed as well as christmas, I'm I on the right track so far?
If you have found yourself in a difficult situation where you couldn't cope and you felt you had to give your children to another couple, but keep it within the family, could it be those difficulties that they are wishing to protect the children from? Or, as they have legal parenthood, they may wish (rightly or wrongly) to put all their resources into the youngsters and may be demanding a certain loyalty. Or they could be being protective to their family life, which your children now are. I have found a closed adoption particularly difficult over the years but I think an open adoption would have done my head in, so I sympathise greatly. If on top of that it had been my own family raising my son, I think I would be ballistic, as my family are not the best people on earth for me to get along with. So may I ask, why did you choose your uncle? Without knowing the situation, its hard to see the situation more objectively, as others have said.
With regard to the adopted mother trying to force the children to regard her as mother, that is not likely to happen straight away when they have spent some years with you. She may try and they may call her 'mom' but to actually
feel that she is their mom is what is in their hearts, so i wouldn't worry too much about that. The point is, and you may find it hard to accept this at the minute, but its ok in adoption for 2 mothers to both love their children and its ok for children to love both their mothers, but in different ways, because of the two situations - being raised by you up until... and her taking over. I would try to avoid making loyalty issues if you can, as you have given your children to another family, for them to raise them as they see fit.
I suspect that you need help and support to help you come to terms with that decision, as it has affected you greatly. Perhaps you now regret making the decision and with the adoption being in the family, perhaps you feel you can alter what in fact you have relinquished by law? I really feel your pain and I suspect that is what is happening. Its a huge reality check to realise that your children are being raised by another mother who wants them to call her mom. There is nothing wrong in that, most adoptive mothers are not completely altruistic, I don't think any of us are, but from your point of view, I get to feeling that you feel violated by that. Are you regretting your decision to have them adopted rather than fostered or get through a more short term solution to your difficulties in continuing to raise them?
From my point of view (closed adoption for my son 29 years ago) I can't expect my son's adoptive mother to invest her time, love, energy, finances, her whole being, and then not be able to have my son, now her son, call her mom. When we give our children up, thats the deal. Thats why there is so much pain and December is always going to be particularly painful for you because of the birthdays and christmas that you are missing. You have had your children for nearly a decade a piece, how is this not going to be extremely difficult for you, agonising?
The aparents may have decided to withold privileges if the children are being disruptive or if they perceive you as being disruptive. Is this a possibility? It may be a tactic to restore calm to a home life that may be disruptive at the minute and perhaps by cancelling visitation dates, it may be the only way they see some restoration of control over what may have become uncontrollable.
Sorry, I so much want to give you support and encouragement and have so little to go on. Please post and if you can, talk to us more. I'm sure you'll get more responses.
