Getting "Back on the Horse"

brown, i am sorry things are not where you want them to be....i wish i could understand what is going on.... i feel like so much of adoption stuff is beyond anyone's control ....and a lot of it is just hard waiting....i think you have always done what you feel is best for dd....but if you need a break, that is ok too...hugs

Thanks TG and Love... I have always been OK for the most part that my DD is not ready. That in the scheme of things is the last thing I've stressed about. I think I'm finally at the point where I've realized that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change things in regards to the uneven dynamic of the relationship (which is unfair, but I can't change nonetheless) I can deal with it or walk away, and in my mind walking away is not an option, because that will only potentially hurt DD in the end. The hardest thing for me is the moving forward like everything is OK, that I'm not struggling. That I'm not sure how to deal with someone in my life that I have treated with nothing but respect and honesty, who hasn't really reciprocated. It's really hard to try to build a relationship without trust. I have to do what I can to maintain the relationship, and I want to at least try to salvage something, but it's hard when all I was to do is ask her questions I can't ask. I know I'll heal, right now I just can't see that point in my life where I feel I can ever string together a few sentences in a friendly manner.

brown, so sorry for what you are going through. I spent all day today thinking about things and realized - why is this so hard? If we are both looking out for each other than why can't we just work through everything? I over compensate for co-workers so for my son why can't I figure out a way to make this work? Well, as we all know, it takes 2 to tango and I'm standing on the dance floor waiting for the music. He's great but, because of me, has a lot to work through, so I will wait, in the spotlight, until such time as he is ready. I can tell you in the meantime there is a part of me, his bdad, my hubby which is eating away at the self-confidence so I do need the occasional adoptee input saying to stick it out so I don't let the gnargles take over. all the best to you and kathy as your posts sustain me.:loveyou:

brown, i totally understand your anger....i think a mom has been treating you so poorly and it peeves me (i love that word). i guess if she is saying dd is not ready, there is nothing you can really ''do'' right now....i just don't understand tho why dd is then ''ready'' for direct contact from birth dad after he was imo disrespectful of a parents...it all seems so strange. you seem to get such ''short shrift'' from your comm with a mom..but i guess i would keep it up if you can...i know it is trite but obviously you can only control things on your end....and i know dd will appreciate how much you are committed to her even with the ''roadblocks''

(((keds)))) It is hard, so hard, because relationships are not one-sided things. I try to wrap my head around it too, how if we are both trying to work towards the same thing, why can't we get there? It's frustrating for sure. I too am one of those people who are willing to take on "more" for the sake of the greater good, and I am not a wallower, I like to take action. I'm used to getting back what I give. But I'm learning that relationships ARE work, but not necessarily LIKE work, it's not a task or a project where the ends usually justify the means. The world isn't fair. My favorite new saying? "It is what it is...." It DOES take a toll at your self esteem, something that I noticed has started to happen to me as well, and that's where I put the brakes on. I like to stop and think that I am stronger than that, I've been through SOOOOO much in my adoption journey, that this is just a roadblock. I have a great life outside this adoption world that I need to enjoy. And DD would never want me to be sad, or feel the pain I feel because of the way things are panning out. It would hurt her to ever know that. I have to be stronger for her, like I've been all these years before. Of course tho, I still need those weak moments, to express them so it doesn't get bottled up. And everyone here knows how I like to express them sometimes ;) So I sent a card, because it was easy and it gets me off the hook from having to say anything more than "happy holidays". It was picked up, but I'm sure it won't be acknowledged, and I'm used to that. :roadblock: This also buys me some time to hopefully figure out how to move on from this. Hang in their keds! And Love, it's not trite, it's what it has to be. It just sucks. And it peeves me too!

Remind me how old DD is? Birthfathers, even if they act like total jerks, are just not as threatening as birthmothers are... for a lot of reasons.

She is 15. I thinks she is at an age where she is curious, but unsure how to proceed. She has expressed desire to know her birthparents, but I don't think she quite understands everything it entails. Just by her a-moms communication with me, I can see that she's given mixed messages about it, because I've been given mixed messages. In one line she is saying to me that DD is not anywhere near ready for either of us, in the next paragraph she has praised b-dad for being respectful when he contacts DD directly, and then the next paragraph, I'm told that DD needs to call the shots and I have to just keep in touch with a-mom for updates. He has not been a secret, a-mom has mentioned in the past that she has tried to talk to her about him, but was hesitant to tell her about me. DD had to find out on her own that we have spoken. I'm pretty sure that DD will never admit to her mom even if she was ready, because the fact that she is more open about him than she is about me I think sends a message that she is more comfortable with him than me. Which is frightening IMO, given his emotional track record and how he has treated people over the years. The saddest part, that DD has to feel that she can't be curious because it would hurt her mom (this is a sentiment that a-mom expressed to me) because even tho her words say she is OK with it, her actions say she isn't. I can wait decades for her to be ready if I have to, but I hate how I have to pretend it's all OK and wonderful in adoption land, when clearly it's skewed. I hate secrets and I hate lies and this is why.

brwoneyes, Many an adoptee has told me that all the emotions - the good, bad and ugly - are tied up with the bmother. So it is way easier to have relationships with bdad (even if he is/was a jerk), bsibs and bgrandparents - even if they insisted on the adoption in the first place. I have direct contact with my bdaughter. She has had everyway/means possible to contact me from cellphone number to email etc. We did text for a while but she ended that and now we are down to about two snail mail letters a year at xmas and bday. sigh. So I know she is not ready or is not interested or whatever. This has made a huge difference to me knowing that firsthand rather than getting it secondhand via the aparents. I think the amother should have told her directly that you were interested rather than her having to find out herself. But that's their stuff to deal with. Have you found her online? Myspace or even Facebook? If so I would contact her through that channel and if she doesn't reply then you know she's not ready or interested.

Browneyes, I struggled for years to be even close to being ready to contact my first mom, even though my mom pushed and pushed. I wasn't ready until I had given birth and had a dying baby and needed information. No I wasn't going to do the get the info and run thing, I was prepared for at least a friendship with my first mom, but she chose not to contact me at all. I had my son when I was 26. I can't say anything about first dad's being less threatening because mine died while my mom was pregnant with me, so really I don't know if he would have been less threatening or not. Part of the reason I chose not to search earlier in life was because I didn't want to hurt my adoptive mom, even though she was the one that was pushing me to search because she knows that sometimes I feel like I have an empty spot that no one can fix. Now onto how I see things as a first mom. I would do like you are and wait. Even though my adoption is completely open, if for some reason my son would decide he didn't want it to be that way for a period of time, I would step back and wait. I think sometimes that is all we can do. First moms have to be darn good at waiting for ALOT of things.

(((((((((brown))))))) I know we talk about this off the forums but I wanted to tell you that I think your doing an awesome job of working through this and your efforts will pay off someday:loveyou:

Brown, hang in there. I really wonder if DD is reflecting mixed messages she's getting from her amom. I also wonder if amom is even aware of the mixed messages. It's possible for her to consciously want to encourage a relationship with you and at the same time subconsciously sabotage it.

I think Kathy might be on to something there. The "talking in circles" might be what's going on inside the amom a bit. Wanting the facade of being totally PC and open, while clearly still not really open to it inside herself and so trying to dance a little on both sides of the line...or sound like she's on one side, while really she's on the other. It sucks that's there's nothing you can do to fix this. My thought...if amom is clearly blocking the road to DD, then all you have is the relationship with amom. So, work with what you have. The better you can make that relationship, the more she can trust you, the more you are a real person and a permanent fixture, the more motivation she will have to work through whatever she needs for any reunion between you and DD to be successful for all of you. I'm not saying that you should have to do that...I'm just saying it looks like it's your only option here, so walk down the only road that isn't blocked. Just a thought. ((((HUGS)))) Sorry it's like this at all.

I couldn't agree with you more. Kids already have issues with split loyalties. The messages her a-mom is sending is only going to mske that worse.

Wow, thanks everyone! Kathy and Heidi, I 100% agree that what is happening is not intentional on her part. I think she truly is of the mind that she is being open and supportive, and I think that makes it harder for me to move through this. You can't address a problem that the other person doesn't know is there. And it's hard to move forward with a relationship not addressing issues that are there. I am definitely working towards going down that road, but I'm finding it hard to get started. Most of you who follow my story know my relationship is fairly one sided to begin with. But like you said Heidi, it's all I have, and I don't want to burn the only bridge available to me. I don't think she is educated on adoption and reunion to begin with, I think she is trying to do the best she can, but what she doesn't realize that allowing her b-dad to contact her directly while keeping our contact a secret is sending a message that it's OK for her to talk to him but not OK to talk to me, no matter how much she is encouraging her to the contrary. Belle, your insight is pretty "dead-on" IMO, since she did try to push DD a bit to get her to talk to her about me and DD was resistant. I didn't get the sense that a-mom was too happy to learn that DD looked at my message without her around, so I think that added to it too. And I think the more DD is pushed, the further she will go. I honestly think it will be a very long time before DD and I have contact. And I'm dealing with that. agatha: I do know that she has a myspace page, it's public knowledge that I do, Her b-dad is her friend on there, but I've been asked by her mom not to contact her there. Does that make me insanely jealous? Um, you betcha. Do I have much of a choice but to respect her wishes? Until she is 18, no I don't. And as much as I don't think it's fair, I can't be disrespectful. I don't want to put DD in the middle of any fall out from disobeying her mother's wishes. It's quite likely her mom had no idea that there could be an ongoing relationship between the two, but she does know he has tried a few times to start one, and has been OK with it. DD knows I have a page too, and that her mom is on it as my friend, since she helped set up her moms account. So maybe one day she will look me up too. I don't plan on initiating contact with a-mom anytime soon, she was supposed to call me and hasn't yet. I'm trying to work through what I have to so that I can initate contact in a few months, since if I don't, I'm sure we will lose touch. I appreciate all the help you guys have given here! You are giving me lots of food for thought!

Ok, well if DD knows that you have a Myspace page and sshe also knows how to find it since her mother is a "firend" then if she had wanted to contact you then she would have done so. She probably doesn't want contact right now or doesn't know how to go about it - too scarey. Do you send her bday cards and xmas cards?