Is it possible to draw a line in the sand

That's the bottom line. Both choices are not great. If she doesn't agree to contribute (and possibly get some MH assistance?) can you live with the consequences if she disappears? Before you do anything I would get a toll-free number you can give to your daughter. This is not an "us" against "them" kind of thing, but really something that will be a safety plan for her.

Are there any other relatives besides a-mother and a-father who could take M and give her a home? Aunts, Uncles, in-laws or grandparents?Have you considered contacting DFCS where you live and reporting a-mom as mentally ill? Maybe she could get an assessment and proper treatment -- sometimes proper medication can really work wonders? Could you see a lawyer and see if a-mom would sign you as temporary guardian for M while she is undergoing treatment? This would give you some legal standing and keep a-dad out of the picture.Have you talked privately with a-dad since they split up? Sometimes living with a mentally ill person can cause anger and irritation. Maybe he is a better, calmer person without his wife?

Brandy I think you need to find an intermediary - someone with some standing who can see the whole picture and support M if there is a chance S will just up and leave when confronted with the ultimatum. At 12 she must have an opportunity to choose where she wants to live - surely??? This really is an extraordinary situation. While I try to imagine what your life is like at the moment.....I come up short. It's a case of burnt if you do and charred if you don't. Not having your own space to come home to, and worse, finding that space diminished by trash and resentment is just awful. It's like you are supporting two children and one can't see the consequences of her actions. Brandy, get help - physical help - someone who has knowledge of how to handle this situation and will help you set the wheels in motion. I read in your words that you are at the end of your tether and that's not a good place to be when you need to make rational choices that will affect your daughter. With the pre-hearing looming, everyone is just going to become more stressed and irrational. I'd suggest you wait until that is finished before drawing that line in the sand. Ann ps...MamaS's suggestions about lawyer and temporary guardian are worth consideration - do you think S needs treatment? or would consent to you looking after M?

Brandy, you are in my prayers. I know this has been very difficult for you. You have a huge heart and you are trying to do the best for your daughter, as you have always tried to do. I agree with Brenda, get a toll free number for your daughter so she can call you at anytime. Maybe amom can get an apartment somewhere close by? Is she able to work at all?

eek brandy. That is one tough situation to find yourself in. What comes to mind to me, is all of the advice given to afamilies when a bfamily is seeking money/assistance/housing... Perhaps having her right in your home is too much - we all need privacy, ya know? What about helping her to find a way to live on her own with M? What about a nearby apartment or basement suite? Will she qualify for any financial assistance?? Perhaps if it's handled in more of a " I want to help you get on your feet " kind of way as opposed to "get out of my house you are driving me bonkers" kind of way - it might go over better?

I am stunned..I don't even know what to say... My first thought is, at your dd's age, it would be very hard to claose the adopion...she knows you and where you live...she's old enough to find you/email you/call you.As far as everything else...take the "help you get on your feet approach" better yet, start tossing out stuff that YOU think is garbage that is in YOUR space. If she brings it home, she can keep it in HER space that you have allotted her. Talk to both parents attorneyts and tell them you have a conflict of interest..and cannot testify..

How difficult. Not that I can diagnose anything, but it sounds like the woman has a form of OCD called hoarding. It usually goes along with depression and no amount of prodding or talking will help. (My mother has it and it sucks)

We (you or any of us) do not know if there will be cut off.. and we do not know how the situation will be resolved.. I believe that we need to trust the journey.. Saying no to someone does not necessarly hurt them.. it may force them to stand on their own two feet and sort what needs to be sorted.. It may be the best thing you can do.. Taking a leap of faith is hard I agree.. What a terrible terrible position to be in.. I cannot imagine.. Jackie

If the Mother is where her best interest is somewhat met better (with the exception of you raising her )I would be honest in court and relay that the Mother is the less damaging in your view. Then you will have more imput in her life to help ease the neglect.I would refer the AM to a shelter and explain that for everyone's protection(including her own) she should be staying there.Your Daughter may have to stay there also, not sure.

Brandy,I am really sorry for the position you are in. You have an extremely big heart. I know it is beyond aching. I really don't know what I would do. It all comes back to bounderies for me but your situation is much more diverse. I think that eventually you will have to speak with M's amom. Have your plan all ready in case of the worse but hope for a happy medium.

Because Brandy is the biological mother, she is considered a hostile reporter in the state which they live.

Are you KIDDING?????????? WOW. Talk about prejudicial laws.

Nope, she isn't kidding.It's not uncommon - some people (and jurisdictions) just refuse to see the difference between a woman who made an adoption plan at birth - and a woman who lost her rights to the state for abuse/neglect/etc.I was told I couldn't possibly have a legit complaint and that the state was already overworked dealing with real cases and that they didn't have time to follow up on ever report birth parents made out of spite.

What a tough situation you are in...I'm sending prayers and good thoughts your way...

Hi, Brandy... I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I do want you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. What an incredibly difficult position to be in... I remember a couple months ago Crick posted on behalf of an anonymous member about being in a similar situation with her daughter's APs. I can't remember the name of the thread, but I'm sure it's around here somewhere. Is M's amom getting any therapy? Has she been evaluated for medication? The hoarding of items taken from other people's garbage certainly sounds like OCD. I know that the SSRI antidepressants can be incredibly helpful not only for depression, but also for OCD symptoms. Is there any chance that she would consider giving you temporary guardianship of M until she is functioning better? Chances are that dealing with a divorce is going to cause her additional stress. If her mental illness is not currently being managed effectively, the added stress of the divorce could cause her to spiral out of control. Just a thought.... Anyway, my heart goes out to you. You need to do what is best for your family, including M. And I know that's going to be incredibly hard to do. We're all here for you, kiddo... :love: