struggling with boundaries

i could write a book on adoptive mom guilt....seriously. i don't have any advice for you. i am in sort of an "opposite" situation where dd's birth parents never told their families of the pg/adoption. that makes me sad (and I hope it changes) but because their families are so large, in a way I feel "relieved" that we are not dealing with massive amounts of people! if you feel the "circle" is getting too big, say so. i have a really hard time sometimes saying things that i think might hurt dd's birth mom, but i am finally getting better at it and i think it has helped our relationship. good luck!!!!

Don't panic, take the gifts graceously and do what you choose with them. It will fade with time as bmother starts to deal with stuff and slowly let go of many hopes, dreams and expectations. It will be a huge thing for her but it will happen. (I wish I could tell you how long it will take but we are all different) This xmas my family didn't mention my bdaughter once and that's how I want it to be. She doesn't want to be part of our lives so she isn't. open adoption it's a long journey and I do feel for both sides but things will change, sort themselves out, and fade. My bdaughter's parents promised to be good parents and they have been. They have done the best they can for their children. They are not perfect but they have given it their best. My adoption hurt and grief is my stuff and it's not for them or my bdaughter to take onboard. Just honor your OA agreement as best as you can.

Portlowski wrote.. I do not think she is thinking of her bson (you) and what is happening in your home.. IMO Her grief and her maybe regrets (or whatever) are hers..(as you already know) and she is the one that must sort it.. and if you enable her with her fantasy (IMO the fantasy is that she will be the child’s extended family.. but that is just my opinion) you are keeping her in the fantasy.. in the trying to control what can not be controlled.. Kids can’t sort this kind of thing.. in my thinking.. and the child is the most important factor.. or issue.. I do not think it is the gifts I think it is that she is overstepping your boundaries and it makes you uncomfortable.. From the Language of Letting Go.. Melody Beattie… her daily reader.. Page137 Boundaries Sometimes, life and people seem to push and push. Because we are so used to pain, we may tell ourselves it doesn’t hurt. Because we are so used to people controlling and manipulating us, we may tell ourselves there is something wrong with us.

There’s nothing wrong with us. Life is pushing and hurting to get our attention. Sometimes, the pain and pushing are pointing towards a lesson. The lesson may be that we’ve become to controlling. Or maybe we’re been pushed to own our power to take care of ourselves. The issue is boundaries.

If something or somebody is pushing us to our limits, that’s exactly what’s happening: we are being pushed to our limits.

We can be grateful for the lessons that’s here to help us explore and set our boundaries.

Today I will give myself permission to set the limits I want and need to set in my life. Beattie wrote Or maybe we’re been pushed to own our power to take care of ourselves. That’s the key to me.. Jackie

Jackie, i just have to disagree with you on this one, since I have been in bmother's shoes. I would let it go..take the gifts, give them to charity or whatever. But I would simply stick to the OA agreement. If it is to have say 6 visits a year with bmother then just make sure only bmother comes or if she needs a support person then bgfrandmother as well or a close friend. Just make sure you stick to the number of people you have agreed to allow to visit bchild. Give her time and give yourself time. It will calm down, emotions run high in the early days of an OA which is understandable.

As a bmom (from the closed era) I whole heartedly agree with agathaj. It may be overwhelming but this is a year of "firsts" for this bmom and in my case, the first year was the hardest.... If giving presents makes her happy then that only works in your favor. I believe the presents from the extended family were more a show of support for HER than asking for inclusion in your life. If so, it probably made her feel very good and loved - again, that only works in your favor... My advice would be to accept the gifts with joy and donate them as agathaj suggested. Let this go for now and maybe address it PRIOR to Christmas next year... It's hard, I can't imagine how you feel, but remember no matter how hard it may be on you, it is 20X's harder on her right now... It will get better, it just takes time.

While I see the previous posters points and while I do agree that it is important to stick to the original agreement, I must say you have to set the "path" now. Yes, I agree, that this is still "new" to her and she is likely grieving her loss, however, her pain and her loss is not for you to carry. I don't mean that you have to be cruel and uncaring, but you have to take care of your family first, this includes the child she placed with you to be mom to. The best advice I have is to sit down with her and explain what you are willing to do, what works for your family, so that everyone is on the same page from the beginning. IMO the longer you wait to put boundaries in place, the harder it will be on everyone.OA is challenging, but with good communication and everyone working toward the same goal (the best interest of the child) I believe it can work.Best of luck (((hugs)))

I re-read your post then re-read my post and now I'm having "postee guilt"... I didn't mean to sound harsh with my 20X more pain comment so I apologize if I was. AP guilt is something I don't understand and am a bit surprised to hear exists - but I guess it make sense... IMO (as a bmom) YOU and OA were the solution for this bmom - there's no guilt in that. Is there anyway for you to get past the guilt (I say gently)? Maybe read a book on the topic?? Remember, she is the one responsible for her own healing - and she must (and probably will) come to own that. Your commitment is to be loving and supportive and it sounds like you are doing that... Time is a great healer - My thoughts are with you....

Please, keep reminding yourself that YOU are not (ever) responsible for her emotional heath. She is the only one who who can take responsibility for he own health. Remember, she chose adoption, and had you not been the parent, someone else would have. She is the one who needs to learn to deal with the pain that comes with relinquishment. I suspect the need to have her entire family acknowledge your child as family will quickly diminish (of course, I'm assuming she is able to heal.) I must admit, I never expected my extended family to provide gifts, etc. for the child I had relinquished. I think I would tell her that in the future you are limiting the number of gifts your child receives. Perhaps the family could make a donation to something like the Heifer Project in your child's name. Sometimes it seems to me tha adoption is like a minefield, no matter what part of the triad you are. You never know when a blast will be triggered! Hang in there.

I agree it is a minefeild - I try to put myself in APs shoes and I don't know if I could have been as honorable as my bchild's parents over the years. But I just think in the big scheme of things that this obsessive gift giving thing will fade. 12 months is a long time and a lot can happen in bmother's life - heck she could even have another baby in that time or decided she can't cope with visits or hopefully get the counselling she needs. I agree with Ocean - this is about her wanting her family to support her as they did with the cousin. Fortunately or unfortuately you have a housefull of gifts. I would encourage her to come and have visits alone then she can have plenty of time with bchild and very little distractions. This is precious time - I wouldn't share it with extended family.

Fiurst of all...apologiues that my "i" and "u" keys are stuck together so I have many miusspelliungs! (I'll try to correct most of them but it is a pain to go back to every single letter to do so!) Thank you ALL for youir thoughtful responses. It was actuially helpful that there are many duifferent views on this topic. We decided to let thius one go for this year. I visited ouir bmom and accepted the gifts. It tuirns out that her mom was the one who "made it happen" knowing that bmom was feeling sad that her couison was receiuving gifts for her new baby but she wasn't for our little guy. Is this "appropriate"? I don't know, but it is a matter for their family to figuire out and I expect that next year the issues will be different. The trouble seems to be that we don't have an OA agreement and our repeated attempts to sit down and make one have been thwarted so far. I think the whole family is a little afraid that an agreement will limit contact too much. We have seen them many many times in this first year (about 20 is my guess). We like this family very muich and have quite a bit in common with them, which is why we were chosen. They are kind and respectful to us and often tell us what a great job we are doing with Little Guy. But despite our fond feelings for them, we are going to have to set some limits. MOstly becauise I am seized with panic when I get a phone call saying, "can you pop by tomorrow." This is where the amom guilt comes in. How can I possibly say no? They entrusted us with their child. I would do much better if we made a plan of when visits would be (say 6 or 8 a year). So, we discussed it with the birthfamily and we are all meeting with a counselor. The trouble is that the bgrandma wants us to use her friend (bgrandma is a social worker). I talked to the woman on the phone and I don't doubt her competence or professionalism...but it seems like our efforts to do things on our terms are often stymied. Initially (many months ago) we stated that we wanted to do the post-placement meeting that the adoption agency suggests but bmom and bgrandma felt that the agency didn't understand that ours is a "special" OA and that not all of the regular rules apply. We made contact through a friend, and there are many connections between our families although we had never met prior to the adoption. The strange part is that every time I see the family I have a terrific time, and it feels so natural. I so hope this continues so my son will have the opportunity to see how his 2 familes love and respect one another all for his benefit. But I also want my son to feel a fully integrated member of my family so he doesn't grow up with a sense that he is in the "wrong" family. We'll figure it out I am sure. Your feedback and support has helped more than you could ever know. Blessing to you all for the New Year.

Please, please use a specialist adoption counsellor - My counsellor is a birthmother but at the same clinic there are also qualified counsellors who are adoptees and amothers. From my experience, I feel this is one area that a stake needs to be put in the ground and adhered too. BTW My parents have also not respected some of the APs wishes over the years - only in small ways - but it has been very annoying as amother has contacted me about it and as much as I ask my parents or tell them not to do something they just think that they know better...grrrr.