To Bmoms- do I (AP) contact BM out of the blue???

So I can only tell you how I would handle it. If you are sending updates through the agency, then couldn't you just mention in your next update that you would like to open communication more if she was willing and give her your information? I would be concerned that if she requested an closed adoption that by contacting her, I would be "invading" her space and she might feel insecure or "followed". Personally I would give her the to tools to open the adoption when she's ready through the agency, since that's what she chose as a route for communication. Maybe even call and ask the agency if they would be okay calling her, or if the updates were getting to her okay etc. Just my opinion. Like another poster said, you know her better than we do.

That would freak me out. I find it bad enough that if I put my name in Google it comes up with my address and the articles I put in a local newspaper - all for the whole world to see and I can't tell you how that freaks me out. Personally, if you contacted me direct, that would do my head in. It would make me feel more vulnerable than I already feel. When my son found and contacted me it was because he was 28yrs old and had taken him since the age of 13 to get the courage to do it. It has taken me 21 months to adjust to his finding me, including coming to terms with some form of contact from his amom. About 9 months into reunion, I wrote to her (which to me was) prematurely because after our reunion, he'd hit drugs and ended up in hospital and I wrote and asked her if she would contact me if anything like that happened again. This was at a time when he'd found me, he'd made it clear he wanted a relationship and I was being very cautious with the feelings of both his parents and my feelings. This internet combined with curiosity I find disturbing. So many pandoras boxes that can be opened by the click of a mouse. What about the earthquake that follows? I needed professional advice when my son found me and I initially went through intermediaries to establish contact and our first F2F. Finding my son in my front living room via Friends Reunited was quite something and I needed time to adjust to it. Because its curiosity on your part, don't forget the emotions it unleashes the other side. Its only 16 months. The child is 16 months old. So for any bmother that means another 16 years and 8 months before the child may make a 'decision' to contact her ... or not. To be part of her life.. or not. At any stage of the closed adoption with my son, I had some but not all the information I needed to 'find' my son. I was offered more, but I turned it down. This was to protect myself from following through the urges to find him during the time he was raised by someone else. However, I'd signed a document giving up my parental rights and I didn't want to interupt the process of my son being absorbed into a family that would love and care for him as his own. The following period was devastating. I don't think any bmother gives up a child without some reaction - I went numb and buried my feelings. Could you imagine the bedlam that it would have created if I'd have emailed them at any time during his life with them, or wrote to say 'just found your details on the internet and thought I would say hi?'. Goodness, the enormity of it makes me shake with emotion even now. I would say leave it. These are my emotions are my responses, but if you do decide to do anything, PLEASE go through the intermediary. There are restrictions in place and it truly is for a protection until emotional temperatures are gauged. As a bmother, I think I would be annoyed if the amom got in touch with me directly just because she felt she'd come across my details and could cut out the middle man. The pain is bad enough in relinquishing and something we have to live with and come to terms with the rest of our lives. Please don't go in the direction you have hinted at.

Aclee, as a First Mom, I think that is a great idea. Follow your heart Dot and best wishes!!

Dot, Your birthmom requested a closed adoption. Perhaps she may be interested in something more open -- but to be stalked on myspace I'm sure is not what she had in mind. How would you feel if she found your name on this forum and contacted you through PM? You might not feel free to post here anymore and I would imagine you would feel quite exposed. Also, do you really want her reading YOUR myspace? Seriously, think about it. Don't think that if you use another account with say a conservative photo she can't find your real account if it is public. Imagine her reading your blog, reading your comments, looking at your photos, clicking on your friends and seeing what she can learn about you there. Do you come off a little more edgy there than you did in your family profile? Are you sure that is how you want your bmom to get to know you? If you want an open relationship I would suggest writing through your agency to see if she is interested in a very non-pressuring way. Make it clear that if she is not comfortable now the door is always open (if you really mean it). Create a specific email addresss for this purpose. You could create a password protected website for the purpose of posting photos. Also, if she ignores your request or declines there is no reason to bring it up again. She will then know the door is open if she changes her mind. M

She did give you her name...that's interesting. I would go through the agency too and see if she wants to contact you via myspace or facebook or whatever or have more contact. Curiosity gets the better of me too - I have found my bchild on Myspace but I have not and will not contact through her that medium because I don't want her to shut her profile down!

I think aclee's idea was a good one. You just don't know how she would feel about this. I will say, I am helping my niece with her own open adoption right now and it is astonishing how many "opinions" she gets from adults insisting she have limited contact and no visits so as not to "confuse" the child. I bring this up because she may want more contact but was afraid to ask - I know my niece was intimidated.... Then again, she may be happy with things as they stand. Either way, I would go through the agency. Josh1788smom had an excellent point as well.... Be really, really sure about opening up. I can't think of anything more painful than having an OA and suddenly having the AP's shut it down....

As with all of us, I can only speak for me! I'm also a bmom from the closed era and I would have loved to have heard from D's aparents... but that's me! I also hear Janny's voice very clearly... we're probably at opposite ends of the spectrum. I'm thinking that if I had found D when he was little (I didn't look) and I had contact through the agency, I would have taken a conservative path and asked if they were interested in opening up the contact at all. (I can imagine that D's amom would have been very uncomfortable if I'd contacted them directly.) I would have felt wonderful knowing they could contact me in a medical emergency or for more info, etc.

wow. i knew that the wonderful people on this forum would have the wisdom and experience from a first parent's pov. Thank you for all your advice. I will likely just send off my holiday update and continue to let her know that we would treasure any contact with her. I'm just so happy that she wants updates... not so lucky with our DD's birth family. Totally closed, no communication, nothing. My kid's families of origin are so loved in our family, I guess I just feel the need to express that to them. You guys are the best, I'm so thankful for all your thoughtful and poigniant replies!! Best!

I did want to give my piece of advice on this if that is okay!!! I am a BM & the adoption was closed (their request)...for 18 years I have missed her & wanted her badly...I do NOT regret my decision especially now that she found me & thanked me (have yet to meet) as badly as I wanted to know her I really can say I don't think I would have wanted to be contacted especially so soon!!! Just give updates (I would have given ANYTHING for those) and in time things will be as GOD wants them to be!!!! Good Luck

Amazing what the internet has brought to the suface these days. The quandry's people are in. There was a thread not to long ago about a bmom contacting a teen on my space abd the opinions were just as diverse. This situation...IMO..is afar less threatening in terms of age and maturity of the adults invovled But I notice that many bmoms are not open to being contacted in that manner. I feel the same wya about young adoptees being contact as they are at a much more vunderable place devoplmently then the adults. The harm, although maybe not as easy to see can be lifelong, and the fact harm could have been done not even seen until the person is well into adulthood and realizes how much they were dealing with at a young age. I think its awesome that you have reached out to see how others feel, you obvisiouly have your soms bmom needs front and center. wich in the long run and more importantly it shoes a wonerful love and respect for who your son is.:grouphug:

My opinion as a birth mom, that is a tough question, I understand she is asking for updates but maybe that is all she can handle for now. I am sure what ever decision you make will be the right one, what does your intution say

I agree with Aclee. I am a bmom of a closed adoption as well. I think it's great you want to change the communication based on what you found, but think initially you should contact her through the agency--as was the original agreement. While I personally would have loved additional information as my daughter grew, I don't know how well I could have handled it. Let the bmom decide whether she's okay with changing the rules... JMHO Soprano

I guess I look at the fact that the birthmother put both her first and last names on her contact as a potential sign that she might want to be found. it's probably the safest bet to continue through the agency but offer more direct contact if that's ok with the agency. That way she has the option of telling the agency 'no, I'm happy how it is' . I'm also thrilled to hear of an amom who wants more contact.

I say contact her BUT not on her Myspace. Send her a note and tell her you are open to more contact when and if she is ever ready. To invade her Myspace is kinda stalking. IMO.

write to her! the worst thing she could do would be to block you on myspace and ask you not to contact her that way again. she may have worked through much of her pain and is ready to open up the adoption a little more but fearful of asking for that in case you might get upset. i know quite a few b moms who chose closed or semi closed adoption because the pain was so raw in the beginning but after time passed, the regretted that choice and want openess now. birhtparents often feel like its inappropriate to ask for more than was agreed upon because as and a parent, you can get upset and take EVERYTHING away. she will probably be thrilled if you sent her a note. i say go for it!