Truth and Lies - Questions to Bmoms and Adoptees

I'm guessing two things: Lying is a learned behaviour and she probably lies because she doesn't want to be rejected. I tell white lies about things so I that I don't hurt people and I don't like to "look bad". I'm scared of being hurt and rejected. I had a hard time telling my adoptive parents the truth as I got older when things got hard for me because I didn't want them to cut me out of their lives. I've gotten better with age, it is a learning process.

You love her no matter what.. I think.. Accept what you can not change.. go into the relationship with all its foibles.. and just accept.. We can not change who they are.. there is no way to turn back the clock.. It is what it is what it is.. Jackie

Hi, SilverWitch... It sounds to me like your daughter may have some type of personality disorder. If this is the case, it may be really hard to develop a healthy relationship with her. Certain personality disorders often cause great distress for the friends and family members of the individual, but rarely for the individual, herself. I know chronic pathological lying is a symptom of several personality disorders. My son often lies ~ he's very much like my own mother in that regard. In fact, he shares a couple personality traits with her that make me really uncomfortable at times. They usually only come out when he's really angry. My mother's emotional problems caused a great deal of pain and grief for both my brother and myself when we were kids. We've both spent a significant amount of our adult lives trying to heal from the damage. So, it really freaks me out when I see my mother in my son... They both have a cold streak that appears without warning, and it's scary. When DS was in his late teens and early 20's, I took most things he told me with a grain of salt. He was active in his drug addiction in those years, and as you probably know, drug addicts lie just about everything. It was a difficult time for all of us, each side of the triad. But eventually, he became clean and sober, and the lying stopped (mostly). You're not going to be able to fix your daughter. That is the one thing I have learned during these past 18 years following my initial reunion with DS. Like Jackie says, she is who she is. They are our children, and we love them no matter what... God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference. My mantra....

Raven, I have accepted this inability to fix her. I just love her and send her my good thoughts whenever possible. I just feel a great deal of sorrow over the whole thing. You see, bi-polar runs in my family and I, until the last five years, did not know it. Drugs, alcohol, and bi-polar made my life miserable as a child. Not that I did them, my father, mother, some of my sisters and brothers all have issues with one thing or the other. I am learning that all of these things can be passed on to children. I did not know and I know she is suffering because of at least one or two of them - not drugs as far as I know. Or at least I hope. I just ask the Goddess to protect her and show her the way out. I love her more than life, but I know there are limits to what I can do. Thank you.

SilverWitch, Your situation sounds so similar to my own. There is bi-polar in my family as well. My birth daughter will often state one thing that changes over time or situations. I have often thought she does it to hurt, or "test" me, but I try to be as supportive as I can. What else can I do--I love her. Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know I'm not alone. soprano

Right on the mark Jackie..

I love the 'it is what it is what it is'.. Nothing clearer that that! :prop: Jackie

Who said being a bparent would be easy, and in your case by your daughters behavior it would be that much more difficult. Never give in and never give up, that's what love is all about. You can't change your daughter lies, but are still responsible for this love you're trying to share with her. It's very difficult to say what should be done. I think you on the right track though. Keep up the good work for surely you shall be the bearer of good fruit. bprice215

Well said. If you want a relationship, you've got to accept her as is. You're new to her life, who knows how she was raised or why she started living that way. Everyone has their flaws, but that doesn't make them unworthy of love.

The only issue I have with the question is ...Why are you asking Why ADPOTEES lie, lying is not a trait of adoptees alone, some do some don't, I don't, I was very honest with my bmom. I agree that your daughter may have some sort of personality disorder.

I am asking because, while you may not believe this, I have seen this as an issue with a lot of my mom friends and their children. Not because I think any less of a person or group of people. I simply am trying to learn. I, however, would never assume my daughter lied, I knew she was lying. The evidence was every where. And, if you read my other posts, you will find that my daughter and I, even having confronted the lying issue directly, are finally in a real and good reunion. By the way, for those that have said she may have a personality disorder, this is entirely possible since there are several women in my immediate family with bi-polar or depression disorders. However, the lies were not about that. The lies were a protection mechanism. She had been told so many lies, like I threw her in a dumpster, I did not want her because of her mixed heritage, I was a prostitute, that she was afraid to find out it was true - instead, I took it upon myself to straighten that out by simply going to her house and meeting her. I got the impression that you thought I was putting adoptees down, I was not.

The question was " adoptees, do you lie for a reason" The situation is that YOUR daughter lies and it could be based upon genetic predisposition for bi polar or personaily disorders . I took the question to mean that adoptees based upon their adoptee status have a predispostion to lie. that is patently false and does put out there a mind set that adoptees are naterually screwed up.

Some may actually be lies; some may be defense mechanisms--holding back without seeming to. Her privacy may feel at risk. She may be afraid for you to know some things that she's had problems with, especially if adoptive family was disappointed (or, she thought so, anyway) & afraid of rejection. Give it time, take everything w/ a grain of salt, want to know only how she FEELS, not what she's done.