Sharing personal information.

I read this last night and I have been thinking it over. I am a foster parent in a very small town. My two bio children are very rooted in this town and most every thing we have done in town we have done for years. My children are involved in the circus they have been doing it for six years, my husband is on the board of directors, and I am a head seamstress also. For four years we had two well known children, then we walk in with seven kids all to be in circus. I dont ever have to tell anything, people start grilling me. Its not hard to see what a cigarette burn is on a child. Once people found out we were a foster family the questions just dont stop, and I do not answer many questions, I will say how long they have been with me, then there is how long will you have them, how will you ever give them back. I have even had people ask my foster children why they are with me. I am not trying to give excuses but people......you know.

yeah I bet the questions get bombarding sometimes. When you were in foster care training,did they teach you how to handle those types of situations? I think that is something needs to be discussed. I would just say somethinjng like,Thanks for being concerned but I can't really discuss that for privacy purposes. My main problem is with the people who spill personal info just because they have it. Then again,maybe they give the whole story to avoid the questions if any arise.

In case any foster parents read this just wanted to add one more thing. Please respect the child's privacy even after they leave your home or become an adult. Yeah there are rules to protect kids privacy when they are under age or still in the system But it's good ethics to continue keeping confidentiality.

They do go over the confidentality for the foster child. truly the traing is just a glimps of whats to come. you really dont understand the stuff you are learning till much later. I wish they had a shadow family plan. I also think it would be easier if I could tell people some of the stuff my kids have been thru so they could understand why they do things they do, and what could set them off. "normal" people just dont understand what my kids have been thru they just think they should act and be "normal". They are as wonderful and as "normal" as they can be, I appreciate them for who they are and that is accepting the past, present, and future. Keep in mind some adults are just nosey and rude and we all have our fair share of them we deal with.

I understand feeling like it would be better for the kid if you told people but as someone who grew up with it, it's not always the case. Naturally you have to use your disgretion as a foster parent, but I still hold with the rule to keep it private unless absoutely necessary. I know as a kid in school I was far happier getting graded/punished equally with the other kids, than getting that "pity" dismissal.

I understand feeling like it would be better for the kid if you told people but as someone who grew up with it, it's not always the case. Naturally you have to use your disgretion as a foster parent, but I still hold with the rule to keep it private unless absoutely necessary. I know as a kid in school I was far happier getting graded/punished equally with the other kids, than getting that "pity" dismissal.

I do understand as much as I can.

I understand what you are saying. It upsets me that the school has as much information as they do on my foster son. A lot of it is inaccurate and misleading for the person he is today (it all dates back to when he had severe emotional problems due to being with his abusive bio family), and I do feel it stigmatizes him. For instance, he is absolutely academically fine - succeeding or excelling in all classes, and never a behaviour problem anymore but because he was once "coded" for funding, he has a full time teacher's aide. He finds this humiliating and degrading, and it certainly affects his peer relations - that he must be somehow "weird" or "dumb". On the other hand, I think HE is far too free with his "story". It's his - so he can share it as he sees fit - but he'll tell near strangers and then be annoyed when they respond in a way that doesn't please him.

There's so much misinformation and stereotypes out there that I worry more about what people will assume if it's treated as a secret than if they are just told the truth. I'm not saying to tell everyone everything. In some cases, people could be given just a little information that would lead them to make non-stigmatizing assumptions. However, there are too many people who will assume that every foster child was molested or severely abused, that their parents rejected them or are on drugs, or that the foster child is somehow defective. The media seems to only report on the most extreme cases, and people just don't know what goes on with a "typical" foster child.

I didn't know there was a "Typical" foster child. We all have our own and unique stories. yeah I hate the stereotypes that go along with the foster care system. I just don't know if sharing the childs story is the way to break the stigma.

If I came across someone who starts asking questions, I tell them it is illegal for me to discuss any information( which it is).When new kids of schoolage come to me, I tell them - it is up to them what they say to the other kids. They can simply say that they just move here.

That is a way al humans are. We expect people to react just as we think if not we become disappointed . Padma

It is a shame that so many people have a negative stereotype for a person that was/is a "foster kid". I have not posted in a long time, but hit this forum just to look, and had to give at least my 2 cents worth... personally, with what I make in an hour, it amounts to about $50 worth. I was in and out of foster homes (mostly in) from 9 months old to 7 years old, bounced between relatives for the interim, and re-entered the system at the age of 15 and was placed in a group home. When I was 15, I lived with my BM, and had a younger sister that was 12. I was the one to call DSS to report the physical and emotional abuse that she inflicted on the both of us. As the older sister, I would confess to stupid things that my BM accused us of, and took the punishment to protect my sister. Ironically, the abuse was not the reason they put us in a group home, but instead, they took us because my mothers bf was selling drugs out of our house. To this day my BM holds this against me and it is a struggle to have any kind of relationship with her. But none of that matters. I used to get angry at the narrow minded people out there in the world that thought that since I lived in a Children's home I must have been a delinquent or something worse. I did not tell people, but when I was in school as soon as someone found out I lived at the Children's home, I was treated differently. I did nothing wrong to end up there. My mother was just not a good parent. I had several boys that liked me, but once they found out where I lived, they rescinded their offers for dates. I do get some satisfaction knowing that one guy I dated in HS dumped me because his mother thought I was not good enough for him, and now I have a bigger house, more possessions, etc than he does. I know this seems petty but please... to be dumped by your first crush/love bc you aren't "good enough", and become more successful than him makes it hard not to gloat. His mother has been caught recently saying she wished he had married me. Personally I think I dodged a large bullet. I became the "poster child" for the group home, and was proudly trotted out when they had dinners for potential donors. Yes, I am being sarcastic about this. I am still in contact with my SW (I am now 38), and with the people from the home. They still point to me as their success story. I hate it. My story is the exception and not the rule. Hopefully, with the changes that have occured in the system since I was there, the exception will become the new norm. I went to college, met a man, got married, graduated with a degree in Math, and quickly became a teacher. Later, I changed careers and was making more than six figures a year. The Children's home has contacted me on several occasions to speak to the current residents. I have done this a few times. What irritates me now is that when someone at work finds out, they blab. Seriously... I don't need their pity. I do a good job. I asked one of my bosses one day when we went to lunch to describe what he thought my life was like when I was a child. What he described was a middle class family where I was a pampered princess. You should have seen his jaw drop when I corrected him. My biggest pet peeve about the foster care system is the negative stereotype that is attached to children when someone finds out. They did nothing wrong. As a teacher, I was confronted by several students that were in the system and they were programmed to believe that they would not succeed in life so why try. I quickly set them straight. It doesn't matter where you come from... it is where you are going that counts. This is a message that is not communicated enough to the children that are currently in the system. Instead, many of these kids are brainwashed into thinking they will never amount to anything more than their birth parents did. What a crock!!! I am hopeful that it is different now. I have seen more programs put in place to help kids catch up in school, and more money has been made available for foster kids to go to college. My DH and I adopted 3 siblings 4 years ago. They know that my expectations are that they will finish HS and go to college (we will pay for it). I know that not everyone is capable of following this path, but I want them to know I believe in them and think that they have the ability to be anything they want to be. If for some reason they don't go to college, I will love them anyway. Since they are still young... oldest is 12, I have a few years before I will have to deal with a child that refuses to go to college but they know that this is not a condition of our love or their place in our family. My kids were told by their last foster mom that they could quit school at 16 and live on their own. Thankfully or not, I have relatives that did not finish HS, and they are struggling. I use them as examples. I haven't told them about the other relatives that did succeed without the diploma; especially since their situations are unique and not the norm. I did have some problems with my daughter telling everyone she was adopted. She lets people know that her brothers are her "real brothers". I have explained that the option to let people know is up to each child, and when she tells everyone, she is also letting them know that my other 2 are adopted. It has taken a while for it to sink in that this is not just her "secret" but her brothers as well. The boys do not want people to know, and are perfectly happy for people to think that I gave birth to them. My youngest son took his new birth certificate and used it to "prove" he wasn't adopted. Everyone that has completed an adoption knows that we get new birth records with our names as the parents, and he was the one to use this to finally stop her from telling. FYI- she used it as an excuse. For example, she was constantly telling her friends that they shouldn't pick on her bc she was adopted. I never did get the reasoning behind that statement. I know I have been long-winded about this and have barely scratched to surface of this topic. My belief is that children can live up to or down to any expectation that you have for them. So far, they are doing great academically and emotionally (except for the youngest-Sylvan is going to help him), and they are all psyched about their future careers. These are my kids and a glimpse of my life. I never use my background as an excuse, instead I see it as God's way of preparing me for my job as a parent to these kids.

I am a bio mother . My son had some birth problem , so I told it in his college. He was going for counselling it so happenned that she happenned to be a counsellor of that college . When some recruitment was going on she stopped my son from attending the interview , so much for being a counsellor . My son is a graphic designer now. padma

Thanks so much for your reply, momof three! I am adopting my foster children, and we do get lots of questions because our family is kind of large and we have different ethnicities between our children but my husband and I are the same. My FKs experienced alot of racism in their former town/foster home, and I try to help them be comfortable being who they are, brown and adopted. Years ago, one of oldest kids experienced frequent questioning about his ethnicity which bothered him. So I suggested some responses which he enjoyed and has been using for years. I told him it was ok to tell the truth to people whenever he chose, but it was also ok to mess with people a little about it too, as it was none of their business. We came up with various scenarios as to why we don't look alike.. Sometimes he tells people his mom and dad found him while making a trek up the Himalayas in search of the Yeti. Sometimes it was on a trip down the Amazon and we really admired his crocodile wrestling skills so we brought him home with us... silly stories like that. It has worked for him to do that. It's just his personality to tease people anyway. With our teen new daughter, we suggested she could do the same if she wanted or come up with her own responses. Shortly after, she had someone at school question her and she made up her own story of ethnicity and said her sister (my bio daughter) was the adopted one. They both got a good laugh out of it, and it was the first time she dealt with that question that she didn't feel negatively about her skin. One day, while at high school with one of my younger kids, my son's friend saw our new son for the first time, and asked, where did HE come from... I remembered a silly answer was expected after the initial surprise, and just answered "the jungle". She said, "Oh, COOL", and walked off. My younger soon to be son thought that was so funny. It IS hard not to tell adults sometimes about how we came to be a family.... cause either I slept with a lot of different looking men, or we obviously did adopt. I also feel so strongly about raising awareness of the issue of foster kids and the need for adoptive parents that I want to tell the world that I have these incredibly wonderful kids that I love to pieces, and just a short time ago I was totally ignorant of so much regarding foster kids. But the kids just wanna be kids. Regular kids. I want so bad to do what is right for them. It helps soo much hearing your stories & thoughts on this.