Help - Advice

I don't have experience with talking to an older child about the adoption of their sibling. Certainly your older child should be told and I believe should be allowed to be involved in the open adoption. Best of luck!

When I found out I was pregnant with my now 1 yr old, I also was parenting an 8yr old and a 15yr old. I had decided on an open adoption also. (Though, in the end I had decided to parent.) I explained to both the demands of another child. The time, the money and even the effects the new baby would take away from them. I had told them that I didn't think I could raise 3 children being a single parent. Both were informed on what an open adoption was, and knew we would still be in contact with their brother. My 15 yr old withdrew from me, and the 8 yr old loved playing with the baby in my belly. As I mentioned earlier I did end up parenting. Now, I can't believe I ever thought I could do an adoption with him. Look into all your options fully and carefully. Being 12 yrs old your child will understand more than you think. I would just be straight forward with him/her. I did take my 8 yr old in to talk with my adoption councelor as well. (15 yr old refused.) Maybe that would be an option.

I don't have any advice to you on how to help in your situation, but I wanted to share one feeling that I have had in my situation. My son that was adopted is 19. The children I am parenting are 10. 8, and 2. One of the things that has been hardest, that I never anticipated until I got to this place, was the loss of a sibling my other children have. Best of luck to you. You and your children are in my prayers. Sending you tons of support.:loveyou:

Tara wrote: Certainly your older child should be told and I believe should be allowed to be involved in the open adoption. Jen, not only do I believe your 12 y/o should be allowed to be involved in the open adoption (should you actually choose to go that route), I believe that your 12 y/o should be allowed to be involved in the *decision* regarding adoption. It is my belief that your unborn child is not only *your* child, but is also your 12 y/o's sibling. I surrendered my first son in 1971...I didn't think I could be a single parent. I went on to marry and have two more children, with my marriage ending while I was pregnant with the second child of that marriage. I ended up the single mom of *two* children, after thinking that I could not be a single mom to *one* child. It is amazing what we can actually do when we decide to make things work. As a single mom, I completed two university degrees, purchased two homes, and had a new car. Circumstances change...adoption is forever, even an open adoption. I urge you to give further thought before making the decision to separate your children from each other. Keep in mind that open adoptions are not legally enforceable in most states. I looked at all my options when I was pregnant with my last child and in an emotionally abusive marriage that was rapidly disintegrating. Today, 30 years later, I cannot even fathom not having my daughter in my life. We are unbelievably close. In fact, she is the one who started the search for my first son, who we eventually found in Jan 07 through a post he left on this website (thank you adoption.com!). Now, I have all three of my children in my life, and I have that same daughter to thank for helping to make that happen. She is more than my daughter, she has become a true friend. I am truly blessed. Peace, Susan

While I agree with you Susan, I believe that ultimately the op is responsible for making this decision. If I would have left the decision up to my then 12 year old brother I would have parented and he would have quit school to babysit my son. Not a great plan....

SuddenlySusan- AMEN! A year ago I swore I couldn't parent three children--BOYS AT THAT! And today, we are happier than we have ever been. It's not NEARLY as hard as I had imagined it to be!