Conflicted feelings about birth mom

Salem,Have you considered doing some counseling with a therapist who has experience working with adoption and reunions? I think it helps to keep in mind that much anger is associated with pain and fear. I encourage you to work through these issues...it's hard right now, but keep in mind the value of the relationship with your natural family.Also, even though it is hard, consider sending your nmom an email or a letter to let her know that you are dealing with these issues and need some time to process what's going on. Let her know that you need a time-out right now, but do let her know where you are coming from. It's totally okay to share your feelings with her, or at least share the fact that you need some breathing room for the moment.I am so sorry for your pain...Love,Susan

Thank you so much for your post, it really helped me out a lot. I may have been a little rash in saying that I no longer wanted contact with my bmother. But I was so angry with the situation and just wanted someone to blame. I talked to her today and she was concerned about me since I haven't called her in over two weeks. We talked, not about the issue I posted, but we did talk for awhile and I know how much she loves me. Sometimes this whole adoption experience gets so frustrating for me. Anyway, thank you for your advice, I'll definately consider sending her a letter and letting her know how I feel.

IMO alcoholics are not in their right mind when they are drinking.. I can remember an AA sponsor saying.. you are talking to the alcoholӔ You love the person and hate the addiction.. that numbs the body and the mind.. My mom was an alcoholic.. and her love was difficult.. she would take it away if I was not pleasing.. or she would deny things that happened.. and she and dad.. (who also drank) left me out and forgot me.. My sister still hates her.. I have forgiven her.. We can not change the past.. it is done.. all we got is right now.. Jackie

Your feelings are perfectly normal even if your bmother had not had problems with alcohol, you would have the anger. I know my son has had difficulty trying to cope between loving the person he found (me) and reconciling all the emotional pain and hang ups that he has acquired with his adoptive family. He has enormous amounts of anger with being adopted. I'm not apportioning blame here, but Verrier makes the point that the child that was left behind for someone else to raise, is growing up with the anger 'where were you mom?' and its that 'inner child' that now needs to be worked through, preferably not at your bmom; although if she'd have read Verriers valuable insights into adoptees feelings, she may have come to the conclusion as I did, that an apology without reasons, may be a good start to healing, to say, I'm sorry my decision to have you adopted caused you such terrible pain. We didn't realise then the effects it would have on our children, we truly didn't. That comes at a terrible price when we go into reunion and learn the effects that adoption has had on our children now adults. I feel that any adoptee would want the bmom to know of the pain that being separated caused him. Two good sources that you may find helpful (I certainly did, and judging by my son's response, it hit the nail right on the head) try Nancy Verriers' website first, as its in bite size chunks [URL="http://www.nancyverrier.com"]Nancy Verrier[/URL] and then try getting hold of her books 'The Primal Wound' and then follow it up by "Coming Home to Self" which I and others feel is invaluable in your understanding where you are coming from and why. It will lift the cloud of uncertainty and help you understand your anger. I liked the expression 'responding normally to an abnormal situation' - which is exactly what you are doing. So don't beat yourself up with guilt. What you are feeling is perfectly understandable. If you can't get or afford an adoption counsellor, then this forum is second to none, it is great and we will help you work through your feelings too. Its a great source of validation and comfort, so please do carry on posting and help us to help you work through your feelings. Love n' hugsJanny

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, they've been very helpful. It's great to be part of a community where people actually understand what I'm going through. I've read Verrier's book the Primal Wound and it helped a great deal. I didn't know she had another book out. I can't wait to read it. I plan on talking to my bmother about this at some point in the future. Some have suggested writing a letter or sending an email, which is a very good idea. Thank you so much, gang.

Salem 47 - late response here but I have to agree with Jannyroo. As a bmom I am having to come to grips the affect that adoption had on my bson. Although he hasn't "shared" it would be much easier to know than continue on believing that all was right. Your feelings are perfectly normal, as you say, in an "abnormal situation". It is sharing and listening to other members of the adoption triad on this site that is making my reunion easier to cope with than doing so on my own. (((hugs)))