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Hello all,
I am an single, African American woman seeking to adopt an African American or biracial newborn/infant. I wanted to get some feedback regarding your experiences being a single, aa or br adoptive parent (i.e., waiting time, possible matches, the challenges you faced once the baby was home with you). The last one is especially for woman who brought home newborns. Do you feel your wait was longer because you were single? What has your experience been?
A little about me:
I work full time and have a lot of family and friend's support. I plan to take as much time off as possible.
I was recently working with an foster to adopt agency for two years. During those years, I was placed with two girls, both under the age of 2. Both were eventually returned home (as is what usually happens). I decided that was not what I wanted to go through again, so I stopped working with them. I decided to go through a private adoption agency. Once I signed with the private agency and sent my release papers to my old agency to have them forward my files, they agreed to send the information to them. My old agency said they had already mailed my information to them. My new agency has not received any paperwork from them and it's been about a week and a half. It should only take 2 days at the most since we are in the next town. I am certified until February so I would not need to do a full home study again once the new agency receives my paperwork. My old agency seems to be having an issue with sending my paperwork to the new agency. I don't know what the problem is. Anyway, everything is done with the exception of them sending my paperwork to them. I was profiled to an aa couple before everything was complete, but the birthparents chose another couple. So now my waiting begins with this new private agency. I am looking to adopt a baby girl (yes, I have to be gender specific because that is what I really want).
Anyway, I'll look forward to your experiences and feedback. :coffee:
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Hi,
I'm a single AA that recently finalized a newborn(AA) adoption thru a private agency. My daughter is now 8 months old. I had two referrals that didn't work out before my daughter was placed with me--the first was about 4 months after my homestudy was completed, the second about a month later. It seemed like watiing forever at the time but I realize, especially after reading other stories on this website, that I was blessed. I called the agency periodically during the waiting period to see how things were going, not to bug them, just to keep me in mind. It was about 6 months after my homestudy was completed that I got the call about my daughter. She was already born and the mother signed the TPR about a day or two later. DD was home about a week later from the hospital. The most challenging thing about having her home was the lack of sleep and change in the household schedule that comes from having a newborn. I really had to adjust to that. Fortunately, I have a strong family support system which I believe is esential in so many ways for a single parent adoption. Also, there were now new expenses, mostly formula and diapers, and my health insurance costs doubled. Now, it's diapers, formula and baby food. I could manage, I am managing, and I wouldn't change a thing, but these are changes I had to adjust to. As a single parent, it would be really good to have someone living with you that could take care of the baby if you have errands to run or if you have someone to run eraands for you. This is something else that definitely has a big impact on the life of a single parent--child care considerations every time you have to go anywhere. It is obvious, but the impact isn't clear until you are in the situation.
Best wishes in your adoption endeavors!
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I appreciate all of your responses. They have been great. I look forward to reading more. After looking into the Single Adoptive Parent website, recommended to me by another member, I realized that was not where I needed to be. Please continue to give your feedback. I will check regularly. I anticipate your response.
I wanted to get some feedback regarding your experiences being a single, aa or br adoptive parent (i.e., waiting time, possible matches, the challenges you faced once the baby was home with you). Single, AA fost/adopt parent here. I have had my fosterson for about 19 months - he came to me at about 21 months of age. Prayerfully I will be able to adopt him this year but with fostadopt nothing is certain. My heart would break if I lost him but I can honeslty say I wouldn't choose never having the opportunity to parent him over the unknown outcome-KWIM? I was initially licensed for foster only and later updated my homestudy to adoption. I have not had one call for a straight adoption (obviously would have been my peference) and it's been about 18 mos. As for challeges, I echo another poster - a good support system and flexible job is essential for me. I really couldn't make it (personally) without the latter. My support system is pretty good - I rely a lot on church members and friends as my family is not near. I also pay out a LOT of money in sitters - thank God I am able to do so. Not sure how I would do it if I did not have a "good job" :eyebrows: Good luck.
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A great support system is key. And if you can find a daycare that is in-home instead that's even better. I've found in-home daycares are willing to work with you more.
I grew up around my family so I wanted my kids to do the same, but I was just looking at it from the knowing your family perspective. Now post-kids, I realize they double as babysitters in crunch times.
My mom has been a godsend.
I'm single and adopted two a/a infant girls thru private agencies. My first daughter arrived home 6 months after my homestudy was completed. I had no wait time with my second daughter (just a wait for ICPC to be completed so I could bring her home). Being single didn't seem to increase my wait time at all. I wasn't gender specific-but I was told requesting a girl would increase the wait time. However, 4 infant girls were born within 3 weeks in Aug/Sep of 98 so I was matched with a girl. Having a flexible job and reliable childcare is a must. Also, having a reliable babysitter or family member who can babysit occasionally so you can have some "me time" is awesome.
My being single had no effect on my wait time. I became a licensed fost/adopt parent through a private agency. (The only way to work with DCF in my opinion.) A day shy of being licensed for two months, my son came home. I was told the wait for a girl would be anywhere between 9 -18 months, and I wasn't willing to wait that long.
I asked for a low risk case that was fost/adopt, I wasn't interested in fostering or taking a child that could end up going back. Before my son came home, all bio family had been contacted along with bio half-sibs' families and everyone said NO.
My son was 5-days-old when he came home. 19 months and 2 days after that his adoption was finalized.
A month after his finalization, I put in an application for number 2 this time a girl. My daughter came home 3 months later at 8-days-at old.
I got used to the lack of sleep pretty quickly and my son loved eating then going right back to sleep, thank God. It helped that I put him on a feeding schedule of every four hours, instead of the every 3 hours he was on at the emergency foster home. 8PM, 12AM, and 4AM was a workable schedule. Though sometimes I would be too wound up to go right back to sleep.
Baby bjorns and the likes make shopping a breeze when you don't feel like taking out the stroller.
I didn't take all the time off that I could because I wanted to have days stored for when the baby got sick or had those doctors appointments every 3 months.
I hope this helps.
I also adopted a newborn through a private agency. I searched through my agency (actually, 2 agencies) and privately with a lawyer. From start to finish, I brought my son home from the hospital in 13 months. Along the way, I had lots of "nearlies" and "almosts," one failed match at the hospital (boy), and one failed placement (girl). However, I don't think any of that had to do with my being single. My first match (the failed placement) came a few weeks after I went in the book at my agency. My son's placement came about 1-1/2 to 2 months after I went back in the book (I took some time off to recover). I LOVE being a single mom! The hardest things are what have already been mentioned: running errands, figuring out quick trips, and being tired. Fortunately, my job is pretty flexible, since I'm late EVERY day! Of course, I was often late before DS came home.:o I no longer do too much of a lot of things that were once mainstays in my life-- like getting on the computer, watching tv, etc. But my days are way more fun than ever before. . . even when everything is going wrong!! I also am not nearly as good at my job as before. . . I used to do work on the train and at home, and stayed late whenever I needed to. None of that happens any more!! I still work hard and try to do a good job, but I have accepted that there are only so many hours in a day. I took 6 months off to stay home with DS in the beginning (I saved up a lot of leave, plus took a huge pay cut for a while), but for me it was worth it. I would recommend staying home for as long as you can afford-- but keep in mind what Yash said about needing to take time off after you return. I have had to take a week off at a time, twice since I've been back, due to illness (DS's, not mine). DS is a year now, so that's twice in 6 months. Hope this helps! Char
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Hi, I hope the best for your journey. I too am a single mom. I absoutely love it! Yes, there are hard days and a LOT of sleepy times. My DD is almost five years old. I don't have a ton of support system family/friends wise but what I do have is great. I work at my DD's daycare after I get of work at my regular job so that helps out with fees and I do a barter system with my neighbor girl for babysitting duties. (I do her acrylic nails) My job is pretty flexible where I work strictly 7:30 to 3:30. There is overtime but it's optional. I have good benefits like insurance, sick, vacation, and personal time. The few times she's been sick they were more than generous with time off, sometimes even letting me use vacation time instead of exhausting my sick time. Some of the things to consider are the expenses like daycare, diapers, and formula. We spent 11 days waiting for ICPC to clear and in retrospect those days were a Godsend. We totally bonded! Being a parent is something that cannot be described until one ventures into it but being a single parent is even more indescribable. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your quest to being a parent.
Thank you for your response. Unfortunately I have been denied already. The agency that I was working with stated that because of my work schedule, they will not be accepting me for MAPP class or considering me for adopting a child. I did advise them at my first interview that my work schedule was extremely flexible and that I would change it to accommodate children but I guess that wasn't good enough.
Its back to the drawing board (so to speak) because I am not giving up.
I used to wonder why so many people chose to adopt children internationally when there were so many waiting for families here in the US. I understand why.
At my orientation we were told that there were over 10,000 children waiting for homes in my state alone. But when there are people that want to open their homes and provide a safe and loving environment for a child or children you run into things like this? I don't get it!
If being turned down is this frustrating for me, I can only imagine how these poor children who are waiting feel. I just wonder how many could have been placed if an agency would just give the opportunity. Parents make changes in lifestyle all the time for their children so why do they think we as adoptive parents wouldn't do the same?
Thanks for listening.
frynche
Thank you for your response. Unfortunately I have been denied already. The agency that I was working with stated that because of my work schedule, they will not be accepting me for MAPP class or considering me for adopting a child. I did advise them at my first interview that my work schedule was extremely flexible and that I would change it to accommodate children but I guess that wasn't good enough.
Its back to the drawing board (so to speak) because I am not giving up.
I used to wonder why so many people chose to adopt children internationally when there were so many waiting for families here in the US. I understand why.
At my orientation we were told that there were over 10,000 children waiting for homes in my state alone. But when there are people that want to open their homes and provide a safe and loving environment for a child or children you run into things like this? I don't get it!
If being turned down is this frustrating for me, I can only imagine how these poor children who are waiting feel. I just wonder how many could have been placed if an agency would just give the opportunity. Parents make changes in lifestyle all the time for their children so why do they think we as adoptive parents wouldn't do the same?
Thanks for listening.
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Hello,
I wanted to give you an update on what has been happening to me up to this point. My old agency finally sent my information to my new agency which meant I didn't have to completely start my homestudy from scratch. The only thing I have left to do is finish my Birthparent DVD.
I was recently profiled for an aa newborn who was born with no drug or other problems. The birthparents decided to go with a couple.
I recenly went to a required class through my agency and while there, my caseworker told me that the mother of the child that placed with the couple had changed her mind and when she brought the child home it died that night of SIDs. I was glad she was able to change her mind and get her baby back to spend the little bit of time she was able to spend. Unfortunately, the father was working, so he didn't get a chance to do the same. I was shocked when I heard. She comforted me by saying that the baby wasn't the baby for me and that my baby is coming. I appreciated her honesty by bringing that information to my attention. I think I would have given up completely on going forward with an adoption if this would have happend while the child was with me. Not to mention the guilt I would have felt.
I truly appreciate all of the feedback you have all contributed. Very informative and valuable. Please keep it coming. I will let you know of my updates as well.
Please PM me if you would like to chat/communicate privately. I look forward to that kind of communication.