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I have been having a really hard time lately with the expectations that adoptive parents are supposed to live up to in open adoption. I have bent over backwards to keep in contact, update and see our daughters birmother. A friend of mine who adopted thru open adoption also puts it this way:
"If you think about it, the whole home study was based around open adoption and how important it is to keep that contact with the b. families for the childs sake but they didnҒt cover anything on, what if they wonӒt keep the contact open. Is it then not as important to the child as like she expresses it is! Again, to a social workerԅwhen they are talking open adoptionӔ and encouraging us adoptive couples to allow the openness to continueis it really just all about theŅ.oh, poor birthmother...gee, this is going to be hard for themԔ! You guys need to continue to baby them
Maybe the social workers should start counseling the b. parents too on how important the open contact is for the child as they grow upŅ."
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I think it sounds like a hard place to be in. You want to remain in contact for your child, but when you get nothing back it has to be hard. Have you thought about talking to your adoption agency if that's possible. Maybe they could help mediate a resolution for you. I can;t imagine how difficult it is for you when you are fulfilling your obligation and get nothing back in return. I wish you much luck and hope that you and the bmom can come to something kind of agreement that will benefit the child as well as be comfortable for all parties in the end!
Good luck!
Deb
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Kansas, I agree with you. However, I am on the other side as I am the one who is keeping up on all the promises and expectations and carrying the relationship.
My therapist told me that when I signed the papers on the OA agreement I made a promise to MY daughter that these are my words and my promise to her. So I work on keeping up my end because it is what I promised her in the beginning and when it comes to her I WILL NOT break my promises.
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I have watch this "living in open adoption " daily as I have so much to learn (and hopefully new people to meet). I come from what I think is a little different situation. My daughters birth mom had planned on sending the baby as far away as possible to avoid seeing her (I think she thought that would be too painful). However when she picked us, and we live close enough to possibly bump into each other, she didn't even realize their was such a union as Open Adoption. I took it upon myself to ask if I could send pic and letters and to this day she has always been grateful. My question is, for those of you who have had birth moms cut back on their relationships, did you see that early in the adoption? ours has been going on for over a year and I am hoping that if there were going to be issues, I would have seen them by now. Didn't mean to hi-jack (I think that is what it is called). Just glad to see some post on this sight that I can relate to.
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Kansasgirl
Again, to a social workerwhen they are talking œopen adoption and encouraging us adoptive couples to allow the openness to continueԅis it really just all about the.Ŕoh, poor birthmother...gee, this is going to be hard for them! You guys need to continue to baby themԅ
Maybe the social workers should start counseling the b. parents too on how important the open contact is for the child as they grow up."
That is about 1/2 of the work I do.
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Thank you all for your insight. It is a hard place to be in... I wish that our daughters birthmother could open her eyes and see that this relationship is not about me or her - it is about the beautiful little girl.
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startedover
My question is, for those of you who have had birth moms cut back on their relationships, did you see that early in the adoption? ours has been going on for over a year and I am hoping that if there were going to be issues, I would have seen them by now.
Startedover, my DD is 14 months old, and like your DD's firstmom, I thought the adoption would be completely closed. Her Mom sought me out and encouraged the open adoption, so I have some understanding of where you DD's firstmom is coming from...
I wish I could tell you that it gets easier for me over time. Sometimes when I get an email from her amom it floods me with all kinds of emotions and I will admit, sometimes the gut reaction is: :roadblock: pull back! protect yourself! :roadblock: But from the moment I agreed with her Mom that I would do this whole open adoption thing, for DD, I have not yet broken a promise and I don't intend to start now. But that's not to say that the hard part is behind me and that now that I got through the first year it will be easy for me to stay committed (although like I said, that is 100% the plan! I will NOT fail DD!)
I'm sorry if that wasn't the answer you were looking for, but it's the honest one, at least for me.
Best of luck in your open adoption!
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Thanksgivingmom,
thank you for your honesty. I would rather know what to expect than not. Hopefully, for our daughters sake things will remain on a good note.
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I reached out to our daughters bmom today and emailed her. A few emails went back and forth about her getting married soon, and then I let her know if she ever wants to talk about our daughter, the situation, etc... just to let me know. She has not responded to that one...
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Kgirl, how old is your child?
I found it "weird" when DD was a baby that DD's birth mom did not ever really ask about her, talk about her, talk about the adoption, etc. (even with some "prodding" by me). Then when DD was about 18 months old, that all changed....I'm just wondering if it is the "newness" or if this is a long standing thing?
Anyway, hang in there....!
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She is 4. She has never really asked about our daughter that much, spoken too much about the adoption, etc... She missed her first birthday because she overslept, never sent her a card for any occasion, never called and wanted to speak with her... I don't forsee it getting any better.
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I am typically the one ititiating the contact, letting her know how our daughter is doing, etc... She will contact me when it is convenient for her and if she wants something.
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hi....
Maybe the social workers should start counseling the b. parents too on how important the open contact is for the child as they grow up
from the perspective of a mother who relinquished her parental rights, i don't know if i could have handled an open adoption... i was very young.. very immature... and hurting.... deeply grieving... i don't know if i would have realized how important consistency is... i was young... poor... and in pain...
from the perspective of a potential adoptive mother.... my impression about the importance of open adoption, is that it is important for the child to have access to his mother if he so desires... but i have not gotten the impression that an ongoing, personal relationship is all that important... from what i've read, it seems that it is the ability to get a question answered... vs. "hang out" with his birthmother.... that is important.. the known birthfamily vs. the fantasy birthfamily.
sure... a wonderful, mutually satisfying relationship would be ideal... where both parties contributed equally ... and everything was compatible...
but... if this is so frustrating, and giving you a headache... it seems okay to back off.... let it go at her speed.... as long as the relationship is not ended... and the door is open... i think the child would be fine.
julie
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julie23
hi....
from the perspective of a mother who relinquished her parental rights, i don't know if i could have handled an open adoption... i was very young.. very immature... and hurting.... deeply grieving... i don't know if i would have realized how important consistency is... i was young... poor... and in pain...
from the perspective of a potential adoptive mother.... my impression about the importance of open adoption, is that it is important for the child to have access to his mother if he so desires... but i have not gotten the impression that an ongoing, personal relationship is all that important... from what i've read, it seems that it is the ability to get a question answered... vs. "hang out" with his birthmother.... that is important.. the known birthfamily vs. the fantasy birthfamily.
sure... a wonderful, mutually satisfying relationship would be ideal... where both parties contributed equally ... and everything was compatible...
but... if this is so frustrating, and giving you a headache... it seems okay to back off.... let it go at her speed.... as long as the relationship is not ended... and the door is open... i think the child would be fine.
julie
You know, I think this is a good point to remember, especially for those of us who, for whatever reason, have circumstances that aren't the stuff of fairy tales.
I think as much consistency as you can manage is good because it makes the relationship more normal (for lack of a better word) to everyone, so expectations don't become unmanageable or unrealistic. But I have to say that I do think sometimes the parents (both a and bparents) get carried away with stuff that really probably doesn't make that much difference to the child. And I wouldn't support anyone making promises to a child that they didn't intend to keep. But if you stop and think about what you want for the child from the open adoption, maybe lots of contact ISN'T really necessary.
In our situation, M's disability means she's not ever going to mature beyond where she is right now, so I am not really sure what that long term relationship holds for H, other than (I hope) the knowledge that she and her extended family love him and did what they thought was best.
And Kansasgirl, I don't mean to suggest that you are wrong to want more contact, I just mean that maybe, sometimes, less is OK too and we should relax a little about it.
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