Torn....

DValentine, please understand that you do not have to make any decision now. Also (i am an amom), you have no responsibility to the potential a parents and (I know how hard it is as a caring person) that should NOT be a factor in your decision to place or not. I can say that (even if it is hard), if you can "communicate" somehow to the a parents that you are not sure and that you are "leaning" towards parenting, that may make it "easier" for them. DD's birth mom was extremely adamant in her decision to place....she was even "mad" when DH had not bought me a mother's day gift while SHE was expecting. I always told her that her child was not my child until she said so and signed the papers to say so. And I know to this day how hard it was for her to do that... Anyway, big hugs to you and follow your heart...also, if you can talk to someone (a therapist, etc.), I would strongly encourage you to do so. Good luck!

DValentine, if you have any reservations at all you should not place. This is not a decision that should ever be made when there is ambivilence. Bring your baby home. Love and nurture him or her. Then if you still feel that placing is the best decision, seek out placement options. Like the others said you do not owe anyone your baby. You do owe your baby a loving home. It sounds as if you can give that to him.

i'm with the others!!!!!!!

My daughter had an unplanned pregnancy when she was in college. She also considered adoption and was talking to a couple. Although they were not officially matched, the couple did have their hopes up. In her 7th month, she expressed doubts about wanting to go through with an adoption. As a family, we helped her explore parenting her son and put off adoption discussion until after her son was born. She never looked back and is a wonderful mother. Yes, the couple was hurt. My daughter did apologize in writing (they never responded). But, their hurt was nothing in comparison to the hurt that my daughter would have endured for her entire life had she given in to the pressure to give up her son and lost him forever. There are services available to help you with your child. You should explore them now so that you are prepared to care for your child when he/she is born. If you are feeling that you want to parent your child now, those feelings will intensify a million times when you see and hold your baby. Under no circumstances should you place your child if you do not want to. It is not selfish to be a mother to your own child. Naturally, the couple will feel hurt and will grieve, however, you do not have an obligation to make them parents. It is far kinder to them to put the adoption plan on hold now then to wait until after your baby is born. Yes, it is always hard to tell parents, especially if you know that they will be upset. However, your child is also your father's grandchild. He will probaly eventually come around to adore his grandbaby. If you have doubts, I feel that it is best for all to put off the adoption plans and wait until after the birth of your child and you have had at least a few weeks after birth to recover. Happy G'Ma

dvalentine - I agree with so many of the earlier posts. I am a birthmom. I was 17 when my son was born. I have been through a lot of what you named. My parents gave me passive-aggressive support that ended up with my child being placed with my dad's cousin. It's a huge mess. I wish I would have fought them. I was deluded to think turning 18 would give me some rights, and I could get my son back. (it was only 3 weeks later). None of that was true, and 19 years later, I can tell you this incident was the biggest mistake of MY life. The duress I felt by my parents or by making the prospective adoptive parents happy did not matter at all. If you think you can do it - GO FOR IT. There are resources to help you raise your child. Your family will likely get over it. In my opinion, families have one set of actions for their embarrasment caused by their single-pregnant teenager and another for the sweet little baby. I do not think you should concern yourself with the fact that there have been 3 showers for the prospective adoptive mother. Things happen. There have been plenty of pregnant women that do not even have showers until their child is born because they know very sad things can and do happen, and they do not want to have the joy of the shower until they have the child. For them to "jump the gun" so to speak should not pressure you. Many mothers have said they either could not have other children or have decided not to have other children after their placement experience. If that is a concern of yours, I think you need to think about that too. This should be all about what is best for your baby and for you. Nothing else matters. The resources for you to care for your child are out there, it may just be logistics in connecting with them. Good luck to you!!!!!

Ditto to what everyone said... Happygmoms made a great suggestion! Look for the services in your area, take a parenting class, build a support system, get prepared. The more you do now, the less busy you will be after the baby is born.... I also encourage you to talk to your school and figure out a way to graduate early or reduce your class load but still graduate on time (if you haven't already). If you talk to them, most schools are more than willing to work with you and provide options. Don't give up on school... And finally, don't think you have to give up on your dreams or even change them just because you want to parent. You can be and do whatever you want in life and still be a mommy ... Take the time to explore all your options... Best of luck!

As all the others have said, I also encourage you to look at your parenting options. I'm a birth mom, and from what I've seen on these forums and elsewhere, if you have any doubt about this adoption dont do it. It is not your responsiblity to make the potential Aparents in parents. Although they are probably wonderful people, they really should not have had baby showers for your baby... because it is still YOUR baby! Explore the many programs available to help you as a single mother. I'm sure you'll do great as a mom! Good luck.

Just wanted to say thanks for responding, and everyone's help has given me alot to think about. :) Yesterday I got another e-mail from the aparents, detailing on how much they've gotten so far. I'm starting to think that (possibly subconsiously) they're trying to pressure me into not being able to back out. Everyone keeps telling me that i'm 'too nice', because I can't even imagine telling these people if I back out, no matter how much I want it...

This does sound like a lot of pressure on you right now. One thing that might help for you is to not think of them as "aparents" as they are not that yet. IANd I would encourage you, if you feel you need it, to let them know that you need some space right now, especially in these last weeks of the pregnancy. And I would specifically let them know that you don't need to be hearing all about their preparation and excitement in a time when you are making this very tough and life-altering decision for you and your child. I am so sorry you are feeling pressure. I hope you find a way to say what you really want. This is THE time that you need to do it. They should know that this is not as simple as "you've made your decision already and they are going to be parents when your baby is here". Because it isn't that simple. You deserve (and YOUR child deserves) time and space to not only make this decision for yourself, but for you to have the experience of pregnancy that is yours, not the prospective parents. ANd if they don't know this about a potential match (because that is what this is... you are NOT committed on ANY level to placing your child with them) then they need to do some reading or get some counseling about adoption. And if you haven't already, I would encourage you to find an independent counselor (my agency was very good at being there and helping the expectant parents during this time, but not every agency is) or someone who can help you voice your needs and wants in this situation.

I completely agree with Tammy's advice to tell them that you need some space. Their continuous reminders of thier excitement and preparation are not fair to you...as hard as it may be for them to understand, this is NOT thier baby yet, it's STILL YOURS. The red flag for me was the three baby showers they've had, plus telling you all about it. No doubt they are wonderful people that are just excited about the prospect of becoming parents, but that's not your responsibility to fulfill that dream.Please take care of yourself and stand up for yourself and what you truly want and need. I know that you're having to make very adult decisions that at 17 I don't think I could have made! I know I couldn't have asserted myself to these "grown-ups," but if it's in your heart please find the strength to tell them...Keep us updated!Best of luck to you!

THis is so true Tmom! I know the teens that I've worked with often had a hard time standing up for themselves in tough places. So true. I've thought about this all morning, Dvalentine, and can't help but see it as the first in a line of many, many parenting moments to advocate on behalf of your child. In the end, THIS decision, whether to place or parent is truly a parenting decision isn't it? It's deciding how you want your child parented on a daily basis. And telling the prospective couple that you need some space is a chance for you to speak for yourself and your child, something that will happen over and over again, regardless if you decide to parent your child or place them in another home. YOUR voice matters. You are your child's mother.

blessedbybug, what a beautiful statement! I've never thought of my placing my baby as a parenting decision, but it so is!!! Thanks for finding another way for us first moms to be empowered. :-D

Are you working with an agency? If you don't feel you can tell the prospective adoptive parents that you need space then your agency needs to do that.

Whenever I read posts where an emom is having doubts I right away feel as though they should listen to that small voice inside of them that is telling them to parent. I agree with the others. Please take your time and ask for space. This is YOUR baby and you do not owe anyone YOUR baby no matter how nice they are. Please listen to those firstmoms that have gone before you. They are bearing years of pain because they could not stand up for themselves and keep their baby. I beieve that if you are wanting to parent that you ought to at least try. Your baby needs you more than these PAPS . If these PAPs are meant to be parents, God will lead them to a baby, that does not mean that it has to be YOUR baby. I pray you find strength to make the right desicion. EZ

Hey Dvalentine, I too am a birthmom and I have to say that I agree with all the other women on here who have responded. Dont worry about the fact that they have had 3 baby showers who cares about that, dont mean to sound insesitive all though I am sure I do. This adoption is something you have to do for yoruself and this baby not them! If you have any doubts about it you should really reconsider... I had doubts at times but when I really thought about I knew beyond a doubt that I had to place. So give it some real deep thought and if you still have your doubts then maybe you should reconsider it. It may also be a good idea to tell the possible aparents that you need your space. Your the only one who can REALLY TRUELY make this choice. You are gonna have to do what feels right to you, for your child and yourself. No matter what that is .