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Hi all - amom here. I have been thinking a great deal lately about the dynamics of the adoption triad, and the emotions of it all and a question crossed my mind for those of you in reunion/searching...
Is there a stronger "need" to find your firstmom than your firstfather? Do you feel the emotional pull for a connection with your firstfathers? If not, why? If you felt anger/abandonment, was it exclusive to your firstmothers or your firstfathers as well?
We have two boys young boys and both of their firstmothers play a pretty active role in their lives. Each of their firstfathers was in contact with us at different levels (AJ's firstfather wanted closed adoption/then wanted contact, but after one letter hasn't responded; JD's firstfather was involved for 1 year, absent for 3 years, called out of the blue two weeks ago and has since disappeared). Will they feel the sting of the on/off relationship?
Just wondering how you all feel...Thanks!
Oh - one more thing - I have been reading many reunion stories and often I see that there is a worry about searching on the apart of adopted children - they worry that their amoms may feel "upset" and such - is there a concern when searching for firstfathers about afathers feelings? (Just curiosity - fortunately for me that worry will be erased since we have contact with their firstmoms, and my boys will receive our full support later in life if reunion is necessary with firstfathers).
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My firstdad is passed on, and was before I was born. I knew that before I searched, so I guess it wasn't an issue.
My search bothered my dad more than my mom. He was more hurt than she was. Although interestingly enough, dad was really awesome when I called the other day to tell them I had talked to my brother for the first time in four years.
I think if my firstdad were still alive I would want to meet him, but if he were still alive I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been placed at all, but I can't say that for sure.
Maybe it's societies views on mothers, and the idea that only the mom can decide? I always assumed my birthfather would have been relieved at my adoption (he was 18), but according to the paperwork, he wanted to get married, and keep me. The social worker noted he only kept one appointment,and then refused to participate at all with the adoption after that. I don't have much hesitation about meeting my birthfather, but I have a some about my birthmother. Strange!
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Hey,
Just sharing my story real quick. I just contacted my birth mom through letters and email. It was real nerve racking for me because i did not want to upset my adoptive parents. My relationship with them has really changed to alot of tense feelings since I did contact her. I am still glad that I did because it was driving me insane because I was so curious.
I also want to contact my birthdad but I have always felt maybe he is like any guy and just forgot about it all and moved on. So my concern is I dont want to upset him or his family by contacting him.
I was only really concerned with meeting my birthmother. I think it is because I knew that my birth father did not even know about me. (acording to my papers) It was hard to meet both of them. I actually met my birth father first. Well at the same time as cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. My brother, who I talked to first, thought that if I met my birth mom first it would scare me away.
I think it is all because she is the one who had the choice. She decided that she did not want me. She is the reason that I did not grow up with my siblings and my cousins. She is the reason that I had to first talk to my brother using myspace. (hes in the military) And she is the reason that I went through so much identity crisis growing up. She decided to give me away, and it is hard to think about meeting someone who did not want you in their lives.
I was more focused on my birthmom. I found her and now I am ready to find bdad. I asked bmom for his name and am waiting. I think it's only natural to have the focus be on bmom.
I agree, your sons' bdads need to be in or out. no floating back and forth. that may be worse than zero contact.
Lovemy2boys, Great questions... 1. Mother first and foremost, she carried me and gave birth to me. I think that the mother/child bond is stronger and we inheritantly feel the loss. 2. Worry over adoptive parents feeling insecure or hurt, absolutely, they are my parents and I love them. I think I was equally concerned about causing pain to either mom or dad, but for different reasons. Kind regards,Dickons
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