Question about OA...

When you “matched” with an emom, did you feel like you should interview her? We met H's bmom and her parents the night before H was born, so yes, we sort of "interviewed" each other, but we'd both been given information from the agency about each other beforehand. We knew that she was mentally retarded, we knew about her family setting, we knew about the circumstances of the pregnancy. Bmom and her family had our profile book, knew we were Catholic (our agency only worked w/ Catholic aparents) and some other basic stuff. When we met, we talked about some kind of dumb stuff (what were her favorite colors, foods, things to do) and some more important things (did we think we'd try to adopt again, would I work after baby came home, would they be able to see baby occasionally--more on that in the next answer)Or consider if you would want her presence in your life and what that meant? I don't think there was time, in our situation, to really get that. And I'm not sure I would have gotten it even with more time. To me, this is kind of like getting married---everyone tells you that maintaining a marriage is hard work, and it is, but I don't think I understood what KIND of hard work it would be (and whether I would mind doing it) until I was actually married. I just don't really think you truly understand the enormity of that involvement until you are dealing with it on a daily basis. Did the agency help you understand the implications of an OA and having lifelong contact with the emom? Yes, but again, about all they can do is give you an academic understanding of it---every situation is so different that you can't really totally prepare someone for this. They were great about explaining what it was not (co-parenting), they gave us different examples of OAs that different families in the agency had (varying degrees of contact and arrangements.) They were very good about answering our hypothetical (and sometimes paranoid) questions about things like "what if bparents ask us for money?" "what if bparents start showing up unannounced?" etc. One of the best things about our agency is that they're good on post adoption support for EVERYONE---afamilies and bparents. Also, did you have different emom criteria the second time from the first OA? H's bmom had another baby last fall. We've talked before with her family about whether we'd adopt again and our thoughts at the time were ---probably not, because we could not really imagine trying to handle visits with 2 more sets of bparents (H's adoption is open w/ both his bparents, who are not together). They understood, I think. So when M had her second baby, they approached us about adopting this child as well, and they specifically mentioned our earlier conversation---I was touched by that---I think that whatever our differences, we do listen to and respect each other. We did not wind up taking the baby, as bdad #2 would not consent. You never say never, but we're really OK w/ the idea of H as an only child, so I don't know that we're going to seek out another placement. Which is a very long non-answer to this question! Great questions, Oceans!

When you matchedӔ with an emom, did you feel like you should interview her? I did want to interview her. I think this is a HUGE part of an OA if possible. You all need to decide before the baby is there if you are a good match for the other. I think OA goes both ways, the bmom will pick you, but you also should pick your bmom. It's hard because you want to be parents SOOO bad, but you don't realize that these are people that will be in your life forever. You need to "mesh" well. KWIM? Our child was born before we got the call...but we did interview before placement. Or consider if you would want her presence in your life and what that meant? We didn't have time to think about this a lot, but I did think about it. At the time, our child's birthparents were open and honest, and I really appreciated that. Did the agency help you understand the implications of an OA and having lifelong contact with the emom? Yes, we had a lot of counseling that we had to go through, though I will say that these boards did a much better job. The only thing I wish is that they counseled the bparents better about the lifelong committment / contact & thier responsibilities. Our agency did that very well, but there was no time because the child was already born by then. I believe that we were almost TOO ready for an open adoption. We weren't ready for the things that can go wrong, and do sometimes. Also, did you have different emom criteria the second time from the first OA? YES we will. I will be much more picky this time around. I think you realize (or at least I did) after the first time around that you DO have a right to turn down a match, and that you as an aparent have a right to insist on things also. For example, I will insist that all of our kids be treated the same during visits (to a point). If gifts are brought, gifts need to be brought for all the kids or at least token gifts for the other kids. I will also insist that they get some kind of counseling (as will we) after placement, thier choice as to what kind / who with. I would tell them it's important that we all be as healthy emotionally as we possibly can, and it's important to us for them to have someone to talk to (we would respect thier privacy & this isn't something we'd be jerks about). I would LOVE to have one visit a year with a counseler or third party, to discuss anything that happened in that year / changes they or we want. Just a visit with someone so that we can all be on the same page, especially if they don't feel like they can talk to us about certain things. I want the communication lines to be open. I will mostly insist that contact be kept up on thier part. That they will put forth effort also for this to work. I will also ask for pictures from them once a year (and maybe even get together & get professional pictures taken). We would basically make sure that the bparents were 100% committed to the open adoption also, and be VERY specific about what that meant. GREAT questions...I'd be interested from the birthparent standpoint how thier process went (if they were educated, etc etc). :)

When you matchedӔ with an emom, did you feel like you should interview her? What we had was called a match meeting and the bmom picks one or several families to meet and talk. So in a sense it is an interview for the adoptive parents. We basically talked about ourselves how we met, how we grew up, what envisioned our adoption to be like, and she would be a part of the childs life. Or consider if you would want her presence in your life and what that meant? After she asked us to be A's parents we did a contact agreement which we legalized in court. It covered things such as number of visits, letters, pictures, and special occasion that she wanted to be involved in until he is 16. Then at 16 he will decide the smount of contact he wants with her. Fortunately for us we get along very well with her and see her about every 6weeks and have a lot of contact via email and calls. Did the agency help you understand the implications of an OA and having lifelong contact with the emom? Yes, our agency provide the foot work for the contact agreement and support to the bmom after the adoption. The emphasis that contact is a two way street and that you should be honest while putting together your contact agreement. So they were very helpful. Having seen the other side, I know the agency we used did a lot of counseling around what the emoms criteria was and then finding parents who fit the criteria AND she felt comfortable with. Just wondering if thatҒs a two way street? At our agency there is a parent profile book that bmom look through and read and then they can read the parents homestudies as well to get more info. So basically the bmom is finding out for herself which parents seem to have the same values or interests as her which usually makes the bmom feel a connection to the parents. Hope that helps

Vogi I don֒t know about the emom side first hand but I was the adult support system or ParentӔ for a family member (niece). First let me say that I was never present when the counselor talked to my niece in a counselingӔ capacity that was her time. I had several one off conversations with the counselor about OA and what it is. She did a great job explaining BUT reading and posting here was the best education for meօ. My niece & I had several LOOOOOONG conversations about OA and her responsibilities. I think that helped her (& me) in our understanding. BTW: my niece does not mind me saying things here she can read them but doesn֒t. She uses another forum and I dont read that. ItҒs a trust thing with us. Just an FYI in case you were wondering When you œmatched with an emom, did you feel like you should interview her? Well, this is the emomԒs role and she had a well thought out list of criteria. What I found interesting is who she picked.The amom very similar to her own personality and in fact, she has since asked the amom to be her mentor with regards to some other things in her life. My niece has a lot of respect for her. So yes, I believe, she took the interview process very seriously Ŗ and found parents that represented all her criteriaӔ. Interesting to note, I wouldnt have ғpicked these folks so good thing it left up to the emom Ԗ LOL Or consider if you would want her presence in your life and what that meant? Did the agency help you understand the implications of an OA and having lifelong contact with the emom? I can lump these together I know in the "parent role" I certainly did!! Again, she & I spent HOURS discussing this. Now I honestly canŒt remember what I learned here, vrs what I learned from the agency but our talks of life-long responsibility focused around 3 main topics: If she wasnt going to parent this child, it was her responsibility to become the person he will be proud to call his other mom. Now I believe she already is this person but she is young and has a lot of growing up to do yet. She chose not to parent because she has some pretty aggressive career goals (always has) and didnҒt want to risk resentment of her child or having them live in student-poverty like conditions while she was reaching her goal. She can change her dreams (doubt she will) but she needs to be the person, her son will be proud of mature, loving, respectful etcŅ It was her responsibility to heal. We can all help her with that BUT she has to make the choice to do so This doesnŒt mean hide your grief It means grieveŅ Talk to me, talk to your friends, talk to anyone (she has a therapist now). We also talked about the difference between sadness and depression She needed to recognize the signsŅ Her responsibility to the a-parents and to the specifics of the OA: Mostly focused around visitation. She can ask for whatever she wants but it is her responsibility to commit. Since the aparents live hours away and she has frequent visitation, there were some logistics to figure out. I put the responsibility on her to figure out a way to travel Ŗ that was not the aparents responsibility. If no one is available to take her, there is a train. We can get the ticket, but she has to commit the time. If she cant go, she has to call. If she canҒt call (too emotional), then I will call for her etc Communication and respect is the keyŅ. Also, if something is said or done that upsets her (coming from the aparents side), she needs to talk it out with them. I (or her friends) can give her perspective, but in the end she needs to have a convo with them instead of letting things fester. Its interesting but she is struggling with the ғpower shift right now. She was in control, but is no longerԅ. It makes her feels she cant ғbe herself because what if they no longer like her, no more visitation etc. We are working on that. For my niece, having responsibilities actually makes her feel like she is parenting - but in a different sort of way. This is her version of it (as a bmom) and she is taking it very seriously. I couldnԒt be more proud of her. Not because of what she did but because of who she has become I could go on all dayŅ So that is the Parent of an emomӔ side of an OA. Its still VERY new so weҒll see how it works out. In the end, I think she picked the best aparents in the world. At least for her. I still think I learn the most here because itŒs real live examples of real world stuff. That said, our agency did a terrific job! I mostly continue to come here to learn so I can help her but I have to say its been good for me personally being a bmom from the closed era҅

Additionally, her social worker interviewed her (and E's bio father) and gave us all the notes. I don't know how much better we could have known each other in the amount of time we had (4 months) but she still hid things from us that I have to deal with on a daily basis now. We both thought we had found the perfect match but the problems she hid from me have made it necessary for us to set boundaries I did not want to have to set in our open adoption. So I wish the process was a bit more honest or thorough or whatever....it would have helped me to manage my expectations.

When you “matched” with an emom, did you feel like you should interview her? No. It didn't even cross my mind. In both siutations, she had picked us and we had already decided that unless we heard anything alarming that we didn't already know (which wasn't much) and we wanted to get to know her and see what happened. We met them both prior to the baby's birth and made the decision based on the information they gave us. We know more now that we didn't know then, but the fact is, we wouldn't have known how to ask the questions that would have given us this information sooner. And really, in the end, we probably don't and will never have the whole story unless they decide to work on openness and honesty that goes both ways. Or consider if you would want her presence in your life and what that meant? We did not even think of it that way. We probably should have. They hard thing for us in the end was realizing that open adoption is a much different thing when the other family isn't healthy and/or making destructive choices. Did the agency help you understand the implications of an OA and having lifelong contact with the emom? Sort of. We are thinking people (okay, so DH thinks LOTS ~ too much? ~ before he does ANYTHING...I am a more impulse kind of gal...) so we knew that just like any other relationship, an open adoption would ebb and flow and change but most of all, grow over time. We expected that. But honestly, we didn't think about all the implications of entering into this relationship with others who had very different lifestyles that we had. We chose not to judge them, but to have compassion and hope that things would work out. It has been and will continue to be a hard, hard road in keeping things open and growing. Also, did you have different emom criteria the second time from the first OA? Ironically, no. In fact, since we had been through what we already had in the months following DD's placement in our family (which was lots... no details except to say there was lots of tough and trying situations that caused lots of worry and decisions over that time), we chose to be even more open and ended up with a second placement with another family in a very similar situation (which included addiction, homelessness, abuse). We were no longer naive, but the second time around we had come to terms with the fact that it wasn't going to be easy no matter what. And we needed to be open to whatever could happen. Having seen the other side, I know the agency we used did a lot of counseling around what the emom’s criteria was and then finding parents who fit the criteria AND she felt comfortable with. Just wondering if that’s a two way street? There was lots of consideration for what the expecting parents wanted in the potential parents of their child. And we had some incredibly deep discussions as well about our willingness to consider certain situations, more the second time around then the first.

[FONT="Georgia"]I find the implications of this question to be very interesting in relation to their impact on the child. My apologies if someone has already raised this, as I have not yet read all the responses.

It seems to me that if the prospective adoptive parents and the expectant parents are a good personality fit with each other, then the child is more likely to have a better personality fit with the adoptive family than might otherwise be expected. I say this based upon my own experience only. I relinquished during the closed adoption era, and I was not allowed any input whatsoever as to whom my son's parents would be. They were VERY GENERALLY described to me by the agency worker. There was no room for negotiation or what ifs. It turns out that the adoptive parents are NOTHING like me and only somewhat like my son's first father. My son is very like me in personality and IQ (Everyone in my family leans toward intellectual pursuits. I was at the top of my class in high school and college, and I have earned Bachelor, Master and Doctorate degrees). Education is very important to me.

My son shares these characteristics. His adoptive family is very different and has a very different focus. As a result, he has only received a high school education and was only lightly supported in his intellectual pursuits. He has always struggled to fit in. Just as I would have little insight into how to raise and nurture a very talented athlete, my son's family had little insight into how to raise and nurture a very intellectually gifted child. In fact, since they had NO idea about my or my family's abilities, they had no idea that they should be focusing on this early in my son's development. It seems to me that if emphasis would have been put on matching the personalities and talents involved, my son would have felt as if he had more in common with his adoptive family and would have shared some similar talents with them.

All in all, I think both sets of parents, expectant and prospective adoptive, should try to match based upon common interests, hobbies AND intellect, where possible. [/FONT]

Isabo your post was super interesting to me. I can't say we have much in common with E's birth parents in terms of education but I in particular really "meshed" with them. Heck I slept on their futon in the basement at their house and we cooked meals together. It was so easy I couldn't believe it. Like old friends. E's birthmother has the following things in common with us: she loves to cook, to garden, she was a model (I was a model agent), she is very spiritual, she is 'young' for her age and likes the media and music of a much younger person, she is soft, laid back, funny and like me just kind of sweetly naive LOL also she looks like me (she's prettier but we look so similar, same height/coloring etc.) When we went for the 3d ultrasound the nurse asked if I was her sister! And by the way her brothers and sisters did go on to graduate college and even grad school. E's birthdad is a blackbelt in karate (all his uncles are) and both my brother and husband have been trained in the martial arts. All of the uncles went to college and have very strong work ethics like we do. He also loves carpentry and construction (as a trade and a hobby) and we both LOVE talking about and planning home improvements. I remember talking to him for almost an hour about different kinds of wood flooring! Both of E's parents have unique problems relating to their respective addictions. I think there is a fair bit of mental illness and self medication involved. I have mental illness in my family and am very comfortable talking about and not judging people who may seem eccentric or atypical because of these kinds of problems. The only thing is I can just tell he has inherited his fathers EXTREME gregariousness and DH and I are going to have to make sure we keep him in lots of social situations which that can be nourished. And I suspect he may be a good athlete so I'll have to "young up" and start practicing throwing a ball! Seriously I totally hear your point and it makes sense to me. Even just the immediate AFFECTION we had for each other probably translates to the baby. I love that.