re:The girls who went away...

Susie, I agree with Raven, give it to all of your daughters. It won't hurt. I think it could only help.

I did this as well... I took a pencil and underlined or marked specific passages that I felt described my story. I also wrote notes in the margins to add specifics, or to note things that were different than what I experienced. I wrote an inscription in the front of the book, with a personal note to my son, and gave it to him on the last day of our first F2F visit (our visit was almost a week long). Several months later, I told my son about this website. He read threads, and wrote some posts, and mentioned TGWWA. I copied this from one of his posts... My son's post: "...i wish every reunion was like mine! but there is a time in every individuals life..... whenit's the right time for both of you, that's ideal. i was reunited with my mom right before my 36th birthday. ask her and she'll say that was 36 years to long, BUT, if she found me when i was 20, i think i would be to involved with my friends, college, life or whatever i THOUGHT was important,to properly acknowledge her. and if it was before my kids were born, i don't think i would understand. even as an adult and an involved father, i didn't fully know herpain until i read 'the girls who went away' (that she gave me at our reunion)..." I offered a copy of the book to the son I raised (D), but he has not read it, yet. The daughter I raised (A) has a copy of the book, but she is a single mom in college right now and it's hard for her to find time to do any extra reading. I have talked with both of them about some of my journey and experiences. I wish they would read the book, because it would be easier for me to talk about things. My son's asis (K) has read the book, and she said that the book helped her to understand and gave her a new perspective on things. I'm glad my son R read the book...I believe it helped our relationship... especially with the personal notes I wrote in the book for him. Although I lived through the experience, even I did not understand the effect of society at that time. It's hard to get a picture of the forest when you are a tree growing in the midst of it... Peace, Susan

I say give it to anyone who is willing to read it.

Have you told the a-parents to introduce you as his first/birth/natural mom? Sometimes a-parents do introduce you in this way because they don't feel it is their place to "out" you. Let them know you would love to be acknowledged.

I got this book on amazon used for less than $7 for hardback, and I am absolutely devouring it! I can't put it down. Like so many in the book who share stories, it never dawned on me that anyone else had the same experiences that I did! And, I didn't realize what effects the "don't talk about it, don't even think about it, go on as if it never happened" had on me. I am seeing so many areas that I thought were just the way I was, but now I see everything EVERYTHING has to do with that experience and the lack of emotional processing that was done. To this day I am stuffing it down so far it wont ever come out. I found out later in life that my mother also had a child she surrendered, and she was exactly from the era that the book discusses, so this is really helping me to understand what she went thru and why she reacted the way she did when I went thru it. She was only telling me what she had been told and experienced - she didn't know any other way. I surrendered in '83, and she in '65. You would think it would have brought us closer together, but we have never talked about it again since it happened, not even once. I have a very distant relationship with my mom now - and this explains everything. The whole subject is taboo, you don't dare bring it up - too shameful. I love the way this book alternates between stories of those who relinquished and the great statistical data and societal norms of that day. I have gained more understanding and healing from the first half of this book in 1 week than I have since I surrendered my son 24 years ago. thanks to all of you on this forum for encouraging me to read it. thank you!! Lynda

$7 - wow, what a steal. I am glad to hear that reading the book opened your eyes to the experience your birthmother may have gone through.

Lynda, I hope your mom will read the book as well. I surrendered in 1971, and that book truly set me free. I first saw the book in a bookstore in 2006 (before I found my son). I picked the book up to have a look but when I realized what it was about, I set it down quickly and had to leave the bookstore. I wasn't ready to deal with it, because at that point I didn't even know that I was "allowed" to search for my son. I didn't read it until after I found my son the following year.Reading TGWWA is probably the singlemost important contributor to my healing -- it literally set me free... it allowed me to release my emotions... it put things in perspective... I learned I was not alone... I finally understood that I was not "bad" and that I didn't really have a "choice" in the matter.I wish they would make a documentary out of the book...Peace,Susan

I am an adoptee and have been reunited two years with my 1st parents. I read the book over a year ago and gained so much insight about what 1st moms have been through during the time of loosing their babies to adoption. I believe it would help in my 1st mother's healing but am unsure of how to approach her about it. In the past I have told her I have done some reading about the things 1st moms and other adoptees have been through emotionally because of adoption and she will tell me how happy she is that it has helped me. I need some suggestions of how to bring it up again with her. I have the book and will be going for a visit in 10 days.

Jo Ellen, Why not give it to her as a "gift"--not associated with a holiday or birthday--along with a nice bound journal. Tell her it's hers to read or not. No strings. But it helped you to appreciate her more. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make her read... ;) soprano

Soprano, I like the idea of telling her how reading it helped me appreciate her more and that it is up to her whether she reads it or not. I will plan to take it with me when I visit next weekend and will let you know how it goes. Thanks again, Jo Ellen

Well, I ordered it, got it, it sat on the table for a week. Finally I started reading. I'm not done yet (about halfway) but, wow. J's mom and Roni, you're right. We all relinquished around the same time (ok me in '85) and it is our parents generation. I remember the relief I felt when the first dr. I saw said 'adoption'. And how I used that to lessen the blow. 'I'm pregnant, don't worry, I'm giving it up for adoption'. How quickly my parents jumped on that 'forget about it, move on' bandwagon. All these years they've put it on me 'it was YOUR decision...YOU were SO determined.'(the rare times we've talked about it, and recently). I'm realising that I was doing what I thought they wanted me to do. My dad didn't call me a whore or slut then. I sure got the impression he felt a bit that way though. Years later, when I left my second (and mentally abusive)husband and was staying with a male friend while I tried to figure out what to do with my life, he didn't have any problems telling me that what I was doing was 'immoral' and 'possibly illegal'.(re:living with a male friend). Hmm wonder why I have some 'issues' with dad? Anyway, still reading, definately gaining insight. Tempted to send it to my mom and dad, but I don't think they'd 'get' it.

I thought it would be a nice touch to add the journal, because I'm only half-way through the book myself and am starting to feel the need to "process" my story because of all the details I'm now remembering. And I "hate" to journal! If that isn't an endorsement for this book, I don't know what is. [LOL] Soprano

Oh I think the journal is a great idea and I plan to find a nice one that is bound to give her along with the book. I wish I didn't get so nervous when it comes to giving her things like this or bringing up things about my adoption in conversation. The reason I get nervous is because I know it will bring up the painful past but know at the same time it can help her heal. I just wish this wasn't all so painful.

do you think it would be awful of me to try and get my baby back? 2 months after shes left to be with her new family?

That's what I thought when I read that he called them that. Jerks, sorry. BTW, I am a 1st mom. I feel fof you too. Hang in there...