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My ason was placed with me as a foster child when he was five months old. Bmom had lost three previous children due to substance abuse and neglect; all three were placed permanently with their fathers. When ason was 18 months old, his 2 month old sister was placed with us. At the time of her placement, the County was moving toward TPR with ason. We were told that TPR would be expedited on fd give bmom's history and current circumstances. However, as is the case with foster care, things changed and a definite TPR turned into another chance for bmom. Fd was ru'd with bmom in 7/06. We adopted ason in 8/06. The day of ason's TPR hearing, bmom agreed to a conditional surrender, with the conditions being a letter and picture every June if she requests it in writing (so that I don't have to hunt her down).From 8/06 to 12/06, we supervised visits between fd and ason for an hour a month in a conference room. Bmom went to court in 12/06 and asked the visits be discontinued; her request was granted. We heard nothing from bmom until 5/07. She called out of the blue, intoxicated. Long story short, she called and offered to get the kids together three times and backed out. I finally told her that she either needed to agree to the visit or stop calling me. We began having visits at parks, and things went well. Bmom stuck to our parameters (sober, all of us going by our first names, no one else attending the visits without mutual approval, etc). Bmom began to allow us to take fd overnight. She wanted us to take her every weekend, but we declined, not wanting to confuse the kids, or ourselves, frankly.About three weeks ago, bmom called me, drunk. She initially began talking about how hard it is to hear ason call me mommy. She then became insulting, and finally had fd (who is now 2.5 and developmentally delayed) repeat what she was saying to me, "You a bad girl. You stole ason." She then said she would not attend ason's birthday party and would not allow fd to come either. After several calls and hang ups on her part, I told her I had had enough for the evening and ended the call.Several days later, the day of the party, bmom called 1 1/2 hours before the party and said she changed her mind and would allow fd to attend. I told her no, that I wanted to sit down try to work out the issues that came up earlier in the week prior to getting the kids together again and asked her to think about when would be a good time to sit down and talk. I also told her that she could call ason later in the evening so she and fd could wish him a happy birthday. She never called.I called her a few days later and left a message asking her again to find some time to get together and talk things out. It has been a week with no response.I really want the kids to remain in contact. I really want to be able to see fd. I really want to be able to keep an eye on this situation. Does anyone have any experience in an open adoption with a bmom who had a child removed? I am struggling here.
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You and I have discussed this situation before, and I have exceeded my mandate as not only a foster parent but as a licensed social worker. I have talked to anyone who would listen, and tried to talk to those who would not. I really would like to hear from anyone who has tried to negotiate a relationship with a bparent who had the child involved involuntarily removed. No one on the foster boards seems to have tried to do this, or is willing to talk about it.Thanks!
No experience personally with quite what you're going through, but just a thought----our community has a Parent/ Child Center---it's a non profit agency dedicated to preventing child abuse, so they do a lot of outreach programs, parenting classes, and provide space and counselors for supervised visitations. Some of what they do is court ordered, some is just for families that need help. Do you have anything like that in your area that might serve as a resource for bmom and/or a neutral place for visits? I am sorry---I am watching a dangerous situation w/ H's half sibling (though the circumstances are very different) and I understand how painful it is.
Update:Bmom called last night asking if fd could talk with ds. She then proceeded to ask ds if he wanted to meet at McDonald's tomorrow. When I intervened and told her that she and I needed to talk things out prior to another meeting, she again went on about how we stole her son, etc. I had to end the call. She then called about 10 more times, calls we did not answer but she left voice mails. Long and the short of it is that I see no way we can continue contact. I am so sad but this is just so unhealthy for the kids; ds has been acting out all day. Please keep my sweet fd in your thoughts...
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Has anyone ever sat down with this woman and had a "heart-to-heart" talk with her about how her alcoholism is affecting her relationships with other people? She needs to take that first step, and start attending 12-step meetings, i.e., Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). It's hard work to achieve and maintain sobriety, but it is done each and every day in this country by countless numbers of former alcoholics and drug addicts who are now in recovery.
Going to meetings is only the first step. Once there, she should ask someone to be her sponsor, and then she should call that person every day...listen to what they say, and then do what her sponsor tells her to do. She should also attend a meeting every day for at least 90 days. As some of the "old-timers" in AA say, she needs to "take the cotton out of her ears, and put it in her mouth". In other words, shut up and listen. The "twelve steps" do really work miracles in people's lives.
I hope your son's birthmother soon becomes "sick and tired of being sick and tired". Her disease is hurting other people besides just herself. She should be made to face this fact, IMHO.
Since I have known her (4 years), bmom has participated in multiple substance abuse programs, including two residential programs, staying for 9 and then 12 months. She has made the decision not to address her alcoholism. It is very sad, but her decision to make. It is particularly upsetting to me as a mental health clinician.
Hesabanana, I am really sorry to hear that your son's bmom has chosen not to deal with her alcoholism. IMHO, you're probably going to have a lot of problems dealing with her as long as she's using her drug of choice. Waiting for her to "bottom out" could take forever ~ some people just never do that. It's really sad...her life and relationships could be so different if she'd just take that first step.
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Sounds like you have made the best decision at this time. I know it is disappointing for you and I'm sorry that things did not improve in terms of your child's bio mother getting her act together. I did open up the adoption of our daughter with the bio mother who lost her rights when our daughter was 20 mos. old. She also had substance abuse issues and even nursed our daughter using drugs/alcohol. BUT, for the last couple of years, we have slowly gotten to know each other. We respect each other completely. She ALWAYS refers to us as our daughter's parents, even though it may hurt her to do so at times. You cannot maintain an open adoption with a woman who does not respect you as the mother of your child. It's not your issue, it's hers. Obviously, you'd like things to be different for your child, but you cannot change this woman who has gone on this long not making the choice to leave the alcohol and drugs by the wayside and care first for her children. I'm hoping her daughter does not stay in a home where she is likely abused and neglected. Josie
Thanks guys. I would take fd back in a minute, but it's been almost two years that she's been gone and the county closed bmom's case in 11/07. We remain licensed but will ONLY take her as a placement. My cw dutifully comes out for her inspections and such, and completely understands our position.
I'd say sibling relationships aren't as important as feeling secure and emotionally healthy...Step back to emails ONLY and revisit it when she is stable enough to handle it, and ason is stable enough to handle it. Even frequent emails is fine...but no more direct contact...for a good long time of seeing stable behavior (years).If this were a relative of YOURS would you allow the emotional abuse to your son? or would you step away from that person until they became healthy again? I always say biology is no excuse to allow something we wouldn't sit there and take from anyone else.PRotect your son first, then look at a possible sibling relationship.
We aren't even doing emails. The kids are too young (2.5 and 4), and I don't know how bmom would access the internet anyway. We plan to stick with the adoption agreement (letter and picture in June) and will send fd a birthday gift at that time as well. I understand that we need to discontinue contact...it just makes me sad. Not only are the kids missing out on a relationship, but I cared for fd for her first year, and would very much like to continue our relationship as well.
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There are some mediation services available - maybe your caseworker could help you to find one. It sounds like you are already doing a great job with saying stick with the original contract. You could also give her a step up plan. If you can demonstrate sobriety for one month - show a clean drug screen to me or to a third party (caseworker, minister, mediator, lawyer) hen you can have a visit.
This is all very difficult to negotiate. I had first visit with my son's birth mom last month. Her rights were terminated by the court. The visit went fine - much better than I expected. She wants to communicate by email, but I don't feel comfortable doing that right now so am sticking with the P.O. Box.
Take your time. You're doing a great job and doing the right thing protecting your on from her poor choices.
Good luck
Just a bit of an update. We sent her a certified letter about a month ago outlining what our concerns are and what needs to be ironed out in a meeting involving her, me and dh before visits resume. She never bothered to pick it up from the post office, but called instead to find out what the letter was about, saying she did not have time to pick it up. Yesterday I sent her June update letter and pictures, along with a birthday gift for fd. This too was sent certified so that I can document I sent it and she received it. One of the bones of contention for bmom was my refusal to identify her as bmom. This was my rationale: ds knows he is adopted, knows fd is his sister and knows bmom is fd's mother. I told bmom that once fs starts to question this I would absolutely give him truthful answers, but until then, I would not burden him with information he could not process at his age (he's four). Interestingly, fs announced about a month ago that my hairdresser was his bmom....he thought she was because she is nice. I explained that she is not his bmom and he did not ask further so I did not offer. This week my friend visited from out of town and he said that she was his bmom; I told him she was not, and about an hour after her visit, he asked who bmom is. I told him and he was completely unfazed, saying he was glad she knows that he likes baseball, and then talked about something else. I put a note in the package for bmom that he asked and now knows her relationship to him.