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My niece had decided to give her baby up for adoption from the very beginning. I really don't know the details of how she came to this decision.
I am just really having such a hard time coming to grips with this! My siblings and I were all ready to offer to take the child without question. I just can't seem to understand why she would give him to strangers.
I know that this was her decision, but I can't help but be terribly upset, he's my flesh and blood! My mother and siblings also can't seem to understand. Her father, my brother, is just sick about losing his first and probably only grandchild.
Of course, we are just being encouraging toward her and would never say these things to her. We are ultimately concerned with her wellbeing.
I hope I didn't offend anyone, I am not against adoption and am of course thankful she did not abort him.
Has anyone else had these feelings?
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Your emotions sound normal to me. I have a large family and all of us would feel the way you do.
Has anyone offered to help support her so she can keep the baby or helped her find recources so she can see that she can do it?
Perhaps gently asking her WHY she would want to place it outside the family? She may have very valid reasons.....one being that it feels to painful to have to "watch" him grow up but not be the mommy.
Do you know the father? I am assuming he is not taking responsibility? Most agencies will have to notify the birthfather and he will have to have his parental rights terminated as well. HIS family may come forward and request the baby putting her wishes to adopt it "outside" the situation in jeopardy.
Is this a possible rape pregnancy? If so, I can understand her reasoning for being able to keep the pregnancy but not the child.
I realize no one is saying anything to her face in an attempt to not hurt her but I think she needs someone to gently question her decisions and find out if she has an attorney or representative of her own watching for her interests in this situation.
Let us know what happens. I am praying for your family because I can only imagine how painful this is and how excruciating it will be at the time of birth.
Kim
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Thanks for your reply. Actually, it is all over now. He was born 2/13 and is already placed. The boyfriend is still around and everything. I get the feeling that his parents were encouraging this so that he/they wouldn't be financially obligated.
I am sure the adoptive parents are going to do a wonderful job of raising him. I have been struggling on whether or not to send them a letter and some photographs of our family in case he ever wants to see them. Or maybe put together a little book with a short note from everyone in the family to the baby. Just to let him know that we love him and would welcome him if he ever wanted to look for us. Would that be appropriate? If I state that I am not trying to bother them and would never contact the boy or anything like that, just that I thought the new mom could put away the pictures in case she ever wants him to see them? Or should I just stay out of it? (I did find the people and their address via the wonderful world of the internet.)
Mel- I am the Aunt of a birthmom. She placed in January this year. Here's the thing... She didn't want to place within her family BECAUSE she loved them so much. Adoption can be a sticky business at times and she didn't want to risk any of her family relationships or in fact splitting our very large family apart over adoption stresses. So many things in relative adoption can go wrong. It wasn't a risk she wanted to take.
She is now in a wonderful OA. She owns the relationship with the aparents and feels very confident in her decision. As far as sending the book? I would ask her first. I think it's a wonderful gesture ;)
Mel,
I am so sorry for what you and your family are dealing with. I am an adoptee reunited with my first parents and my first mother and I have been told several times by family members that had any of them known at the time I was being relinquished they would have done all they could to help my first mother keep me. Knowing she found this out way too late I suggest you talk to your niece about the support you all are willing to give her for her to keep her child. I too am not against adoption but feel anytime a child can be with their first family that is the best thing for the child, mother and for everyone involved. Just my thoughts.
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Wow, you are all amazing. Thank you so much for your replies. I think that you are right about her not wanting to stress the family. I also think that if she were around the baby her maternal insticts would kick in and it would be a difficult time all around.
I think I might wait on sending anything to the Amom until their family has had a time to bond. My sister said that they need to make the baby theirs without any reminders that he is not (bio-wise). Maybe I will get something put together and then approach the Amom about it later.
Thank you again so much.