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This same thing was posted in a different part of this forum but I feel strong enough about it to post in this section as well as a warning to parents about the dangers that your children will face along the way unless something is changed and changed quick.
I am writing this more as a way to express my voice an opinion about adoption than anything else. Thank you for takeing the time to read this.
As an adoptee I have had nothing but problems with it. First was the whole finding out that I was adopted issue. Then there as I got older came to accept that, no big deal. Now as an adult trying to find out my family history, both for my own information and for the health of my child, has been a total nightmare. My 4 yr old daugter currently sits awaiting a kidney transplant. I have been trying for years to find any evidence of possible family links to kidney problems but have been unable to do so. Now I am trying to get my license back and the state treats me as nothing more than a piece of property. I thought that the owning of another individual went out in the 1800's with the ending of slavery. It is always good to know that in this day and age of more enlighted people that some can still be treated as property and nothing more than a house deed to be bought and sold. I do not goto the department of health for a birth certificate. Ohh no that would be to easy. I have to goto the city clearks office where you get house titles, and land permits. Then I find out that the only person that has access to my birth certificate is the orginal atterny that worked the case. Ok that's all fine and dandy I say, but what if that atterny doesn't practice anymore? Well fine I would like to petition the court.
Opps sorry I'm not a human being. I'm not recorded as even being alive.
I've got a indiana state ID. I've even got my old BSU student ID card.
I've even got bank accounts in my name. But nope, I'm told that my parents are the only other ones that can file a petition to the court. I'm treated as though I'm not even a living human being afford the same rights to have a copy of my birth certificate. I'm not asking for my original pre-adoption birth certificate. Ohh no. I'm just asking for a copy so I can go get a drivers license. It or a passport is needed as primary verification of who I am. Opps again, I don't have a birth certificate, so I cannot get a passport. Hmmm.... This is all sounding kinda funny. Yeah I think so.
But if it wasn't for the fact that I have a noterized copy from the city clerks office stateing the same thing I wouldn't even believe myself. I was all for adoption until a couple months ago when this whole fiasco begain with my trying to get a licence. Now as a 27 year old male I've made a complete 180 on a decision that I supported with my whole being, even going as far as helping people with information on adoption and where to go. Now that I find out what kind of life is awaiting kids of adoption I find it totally rehensible that anyone should have to be treated as property and not given basic information about themselves to themselves. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me.
Thank you,
Aaron D. Reed
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It sounds like a very frustrating situation and I can totally understand why you feel this way. I just wanted to give you support and let you know that I had a kidney transplant seven years ago. I found out I had kidney disease when I was 15 and began dialysis when I was 20. It took me five years to get a transplant but now I am doing great.
My children are adopted but I do have their bio moms name as well as siblings, aunts and uncles and grandparents so I am hoping I have enough for my kids if they want to search someday.
My kidney disease was not hereditary. They think I got my problems from a strep infection that went unnoticed when I was a kid. Good luck with your daughter.
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While I understand your frustration, adoptions that were done 27 years ago are not what they are today in terms of many things. Please, if you are considering adoption, speak to ALL members of the triad. Speak to lawyers who can tell you what information will be available with the type of adoption you are considering. Do your homework! I am from the closed adoption era, 1965. I was born, adopted and live in Indiana. I do understand many of your frustrations. I have had medical issues, but also know that knowing certain things do not change the results sometimes. Knowing my husband's medical history and his families did not stop him from dying at 35. I do believe change is needed most definately. I just think that this, as any issue, is very personal. Decessions you are thinking of making should take inforamtion like this and research it. Do not let it be something you base your whole decession on. Even knowing I will never know who my father is, I would never change my adoption for anything. Again, my most heartfelt condolenses on all you are experiencing. I do sympathize. But others out there, please know, while in similar situation (and adopted in and from Indiana) I am very happy in my adoption, and even though there are parts of it that are frustrating, it does not change my view on adoption, or my own for that matter. Maybe it is in part because I was always told, had great parents who handled it incredibly (my amom was a social worker). There was never a time I didn't know so I never experienced that "finding out" I was adopted or coming to terms with it. Listen to stories like these, listen to people who are happy, listen, listen, listen, learn, learn, learn and make a choice that fits for YOU! Carolyn
Carolyn,
It is so nice to hear an adoptee who is "happy" with having been adopted. I don't know your circumstances since I just recently came to the site. It seems like so many adoptees here are angry and bitter. As a birth mother I tried to do what I thought was in the best interest of my baby at the time. I knew I couldn't give it the life it deserved and do not believe in abortion.
You mention that you will never get to know your father - is he deceased? Do u have a relationship with your b-mom? It sounds like you have very good a-parents and all I can hope is that my baby went to as loving home as you had.
Thank you, DaisyBelle, for the kind words. The circumstances around my birth were very hard for my birth mother and my bfather was not the best of people. And while it is hard for many to understand, I repsect her choice of not wanting to tell me who he is. Her parents are still alive and she worries about him coming back to bother them if I would contact him. I have a wonderful relationship with my bmother. I can look outside the box, beyond what my feelings are and how difficult this all was for her. She has never told me I cannot search for him, but that it would close the door on our relationship. And in this situation, I respect her need over mine. I am not angry or bitter. I understnd that she loved me and wanted to give me the best chance in life as possible. To me, that is real love. Yes, there are certain drawbacks and circumstances, but I have found in life, whether adopted or not, this is life in general. The issues I deal with as an adoptee would have been replaced my being raised by a single, teenage mother back in the sixties. Just trading one set of issues for another. Also we can't change the past, let's do what we can to move forward with understanding and respect. I have wonderful parents. (my afather is now deceased) I feel privilidged to have the two best mom's in the world. Both of them have met and they have a relationship. My biological grandmother and great aunt have also met my mom and have a relationship with her. I feel like when I found my bmother, it just extended my family altogether. I truly am blessed. With that being said, there does need to be some reform, though. I do understand Aaron's frustration, when, at 39, I started my search, it was a shock, that even as a grown woman, I was not able to obtain any information, unless the "powers that be" felt it was what they could give me. It is a very frustrating feeling, as an adult. But I am sure, (even though things turned out okay) for my bmother, it was another side of the coin. Something she thought was closed and sealed forever had somehow gotten open. It was shocking and upsetting that what she thought would never be openned was now staring her in the face. I feel adoption and the way it was viewed was very different then. So, I do understand Aaron's frustartion, especially when dealing with a very sick child. I just wouldn't go as far as to say don't adopt in Indiana. It seems the majority of the adoptions done these days are either opened or semi-opened. And even if you do a closed one, get information, become informed. Maybe make some agreement about every so many years updating medical history and you can stay anonamous. But don't shut the door on adoption in Indiana because of one person's trials and tribulations. Take into conideration what they are saying, but talk to many people who have been involved with adoptions, especially ones closer to today's time. Learn, educate yourself and then make a choice that will work for you. Best of luck to all here, especially for those searching. Aaron, I hope you get the answers you need. My God's hand be upon your child. Carolyn
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Thank you all for your support. Apparently (Mary Ellen??) form the state office called me today and figured out what was going on with my birth certificate. They had lost it. It has now been found and is available for me to pick up. And to those that asked i applied for my non-id information but it came back as no information found. I always figured that it had something to do with my agency my a-parents used being closed down for so long. And yes my a-parents have been supportive of me finding whatever info I could for as long as I can remember. Thanks again all.
Aaron
I had someone ask me about my bmom not wanting to tell me about my bfather. I wanted to make something clear. She has given me much information about him, just not his name. She has never told me I can't search, just to please understand, she cannot deal with that part of her past and we could not go on if I chose to go that route. She never told me no, just what she was able to do. It was never said with malice or hurt. It was her honest feelings or what she could and could not handle. I appreciate that. The point I was trying to make is it isn't all about us. When we start this, we have to look at everyone's feelings involved. And while we shouldn't be walked on, I don't think we should walk on others either. We tend to be such a "me" oriented society anymore, we go full guns ahead without considering what something might do to someone else. Now I know each situation is different, I am just saying, for me, I am okay. She is enough for me. When I found her, I found everything I was ever looking for. Carolyn