Failed Adoption help

stupid things said?:coffee:

My wife and I have experienced several failed adoption situations. Its really like a miscarriage. You go through the hope and expectations and then like Emeril says, "BAMM." you hit the wall. Its a real roller coaster ride. My wife and I have been Christians for years and you get to the point of where you just don't want to hear those words, "Well I guess it just wasn't God's will." One other thing we faced was the potential loss of a 3rd of our adoption budget. If we lose that money will we have enough to adopt? You also get to the point too where you are extremely pessimistic for the next one. We found ourselves with a lot of anxiety and we took it out on the social worker. I had to apologize to her. You then have to just give it to God to let him give you that peace. I hope this helps. George

My husband and I have been through 3 failed adoptions. The most recent was just days ago, and I can't agree more with Gantrak, it is like having a miscarriage. All the excitement, sharing that with friends and family, and the loss felt when it does not go through. I keep hearing things like, "God has a different baby planned for you." After three failed attempts, it sometimes is hard to keep the faith. I think finding other people that have been through it to talk to helps, because you are right, there isn't a wealth of support for folks like us. We will just have to help and support each other. Stay strong & God bless

To me a failed adoption is similar to a death. The deathe of a child born in your heart, the death of a hope, a dream and a plan to bring a new life into your world. This loss iVERY real. I know because my family had to give a baby back when I was 5yrs old and I can still remember how sad weall were and it is over 40 years later. Some people don't even aknowledge a miscarraige as a real loss and will say stupid things like "you can always try again". I do not thing that they are intentionally going out of their way to say stupid things, they just do not know what to say. On the other hand, some people avaid the subject all together and to me that is just as bad. I think the important thing is to talk about the baby. This baby was very real to the PAPS. Aknowledging their hurt without trying to minimize it or trivialize it is key. Validating the hurt is what helps people heal. EZ

I'd love to know any resources you have found since you posted this about failed adoptions. My husband and I recently had one and are still dealing with all the emotions that come with it. It amazes me how many times we have heard in the past month, "well it wasn't God's plan" "there will be another baby out there for you" or "well maybe this is God's way of telling you to do IVF instead" all of which infuriates me. He was still going to be ours and now he's not. We loved him and were preparing for him. I do agree with previous posts that to me it feels like a miscarriage except now we have his pictures to go along with the pain.

So sorry for your loss, I know how heartbroken you must be. With the last adoption that fell through for my husband and I, I had to put the pictures of him away, it was just so hard to look at what could have been... My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

EZ2Luv Thank you for your kind words and insight :clap: You are dead on target with your comments. It can somewhat be related to the death of a child in your heart, etc. . . , and only in your heart, but goes deeper psychologically as we all are aware. Our grief is associated with a loss of a child that is still alive, future dreams, family, etc. . . and is different, a lot different. I do want to take a moment to say that "I do not believe" it should be associated with the death of a child to a parent/s. Even though the grieving process may be somewhat similar or even overlapping, we still associate our loss with "life" even though we are not the parents, the child is born and is elsewhere. I only say this because of other emails. I would never want to find myself in the same situation as a parent/s who have experienced the death of their child. I mourn for them and long for that endless void to be filled. I believe it is irresponsible for us to associate a loss (Failed Adoption) to the death of a child. There are situations that this may not pertain to this, such as the death of a child during birth for an adoptive family, etc... I don't want to create a debate or go on a tangent, from my perspective, I needed to say this. Others are allowed their own opinions and beliefs and they are welcome as well. EZ2Luv, this is not in regards to your post, it just sparked a thought I have been meaning to make a comment about. I have lived through your comments and agree. Again, thank you for your insights and I thank everyone for their willingness to be open and allow others to learn along side them. Gantrak, I am on the same page with you about the miscarriage.

I just reread my post and I feel I should elaborate. I was so quick to respond that day as you can see all the typos. What I should have typed is, it is like the death of a dream, a plan in your heart. I wish there was a btter way to explain.. It is like you have this little one and you suddenly must give the shild back. Conscieniously we know and thank God the child is alive and hopefully being well car3ed for, but the place that baby holds in our family is no more. I also want to say that my amom had 3 fullterm babies born still and that had to be the most horrific and while a failed placement is a great loss certainly nothing like an actually death. Thank You InHisRest for pointing that out to me. EZ

You are so compassionate in your carefullness to not make parents feel who've experienced the death of a child feel worse by the comparison. I truly believe this is different for every person though. I have experienced both. I had a newborn that stopped breathing at 1 day old, and died 4 days later from the subsequent brain damage. The pain was awful, but I knew that my son was in a better place. I found that my faith was immensely helpful for me during this time. But I've been doing foster care for 2 years now, and I have found the feeling and mourning to be almost identical...and in many ways worse. You see, I KNEW my child that died went to be with the Lord. He was/is happy and healthy. He's where he belongs. On the other hand, I've had children in my home as foster children that have left and I have mourned in some ways more intensely. I don't know if they are going to a "better place". In fact, some of them I know are going back to all the muck and mire this world has to offer. I'm convinced that a couple of the girls I've fostered will be back into care, and they will be worse this time. That kind of pain is worse to me. We've also experienced a "failed adoption" so to speak. We were asked if we wanted to adopt a baby we were fostering and after a lot of soul searching we agreed. (We always assumed we would be adopting some older children...the ones that "no one wanted".) Not long after that they located a paternal Uncle who was also a foster parent! So needless to say, he was moved. While my mourning was almost identical emotionally at first to the mourning I experienced in the death of my son, I recovered much more quickly. He was with family, he had only been with me 2 months, so his bonding would probably be minimally interrupted. I felt God had put him exactly where he needed to be. My husband on mourned much more deeply than I did. He was devestated for several months. Again, it did not last as long as the deep mourning we experienced with our son, but he felt this child was where he belonged also. IF we had a child that we planned to adopt, and he went back into a horrible situation I think my mourning would exceed the death of my child. We have not experienced this, but the thought is almost unbearable for me.

Hi, my husband and I have just had a very hard couple months. We adopted 2 preteen siblings in hopes to fulfill a dream to help others. We have two boys ages 7 and 9 at the time. Two years we had to place them privately into a Christian Group home because their behavior was tearing us apart. If you would like to hear more please reply and I can give the whole story.

How devastating! I'm so sorry.

Hi, I have been reading "Hannah's Hope" and it has been helpful to me. It's written by a Christian who experienced several failed adoptions, limited support, and IVF rounds that didn't work. My DH and I have been through the IVF cycles and no baby. We've been waiting a year and three months. I, too, greatly resent the dumb comments. I have to admit that I haven't been to church in 3 weeks because of it. I've started reading "Blue Like Jazz" which is convincing me to go back. I love Jesus; it's the other Christians I find challenging:/ Anyway, I wish you peace. And do at least google "Hannah's Hope"--she wrote it for pastors, too. There are pastor questions at the end of each chapter.

We were matched with a family who chose to parent. We found out about a week before the c-section was scheduled. It was devastating...I think EZ said it best that it was the loss/death of a dream, of the plans we'd made, of the future we were already picturing...I know we "should" have realized this could happen--and we DID realize it in our heads, just not in our hearts.I wanted to add that one of the hardest things for me was telling my husband and seeing his heart broken and telling our parents. This was their dream, too. My mom had just decided to discontinue chemo, so we were also hoping and praying our little one would get here in time to meet his Nana. They all tried to be strong for us and care for us, but you could see the hurt in their eyes, and that was almost unbearable.We were quickly matched again, and Peanut spent two weeks with my mom, his Nana, before she passed. I cherish the memories of her holding him, feeding him, napping with him.No one knows what we go through in any part of this strange process unless they've been there, too. The "good"' is unfamiliar enough to the general public, so they really don't know what to say/do when you experience the bad. I dint remember any stupid things people said, but rhey just didn't know how to support us.