Do children do this?

I think you answered your own question: So I think you can go with what you obviously believe. Your subconscious is telling you he's faking it, even though you sometimes doubt that belief. It also sounds like your choice of consequences is doing just fine, too His behavior gets worse when you let him get away with it, and his behavior gets better (quicker) when you stand your ground. Another discipline idea might be to start getting him ready early for appointments (when possible). If he gets ready quickly, there's time for a special treat between getting ready and having to leave. So if he's fully dressed and has his stuff, you can stop for ice cream on the way. Or hold him in your lap and let him watch a few minutes of cartoons. Make the rewards totally worth it at the beginning, but totally random. Sometimes it's chocolate ice cream, sometimes it's a few minutes with bubbles. Then you can get him saving up - like three times of getting ready early in a row gets him a trip to Chuck-e-Cheese (depending on his age and motivation). Etc. If he's older (school-aged and up) you could use cumulative consequences too. Like extra vegetables with dinner, because his brain must need more of them since it's not remembering things very quickly. Or going to bed early so he can get more sleep and move quicker the next day. Or you are "too tired" to take him somewhere fun he was hoping for, because you had to supervise him in time-out so often that day, and he has to stay at home with you and be quiet so you can recharge. Hang in there!

I think yo are right to wait and make him do it on his own. That being said, you may want to have him evaluaed for a processing disorder. It could be that even though he is not "dumb" and at times will understand and follow directions immediately,there may be some processing problems that make him have to really think on some things before he can comprehend the meaning of what you have said. Processing disorders are not at all uncommon among children that were neglected when they were young. While other babies are getting all sorts of stimulating experiences to help those neurons make connections that will help them process all the information they recieve, the neglected infant is left to stare at a ceiling.

My son done/does this too. If I told him to put his shoes on he would go in his room and scream/cry that he couldn't find them. If I went in there to help look they would be in plain sight and he would tantrum and say he cant find them.(when he is clearly looking at them). He would act like he didn't know our dogs names. He would act like he couldn't take shirt off,put his socks on, or snap his pants. These where all things I have seen him do a million times. The only thing he still does is put his shoes on the wrong feet and come to me with a big smile and say "look mommy I have my shoes on". I know he know the difference because he never tells me he put his shoes on unless it is wrong. I learned after a while all I had to do is say "I know what you are trying to do and it isn't going to work now go ____ WHATR .

O.K some how I posted before I was done and it wouldn't let me edit. Anyway, like I was saying. I would say " I know what you are trying to do and it isn't going to work now go _____ "(what ever it is he needs to do).I always said it in a VERY calm voice and not stop whatever I was doing. He would just give me a mean look and go do it. This all started a few weeks after he moved here and mostly stopped after around 6mo. I think he mostly does the shoe thing now because he thinks it bugs me. I use to tell DH when he would call from work that T was having a "dumb" day so he would know when he got home not to fall for his "tricks". I'm not sure how long your son has been with you but just keep doing what you are doing.

It seems to me like a child who is desperate for attention and will act 'dumb' to get it.I think I'd continue the time outs with ignoring him, but then make sure he gets your attention in a positive way when he does complete the task. He sounds like he wants the attention but doesn't know how to get it in a positive way.Make sure he's getting tons of positive attention when he does anything correctly and in a timely manner. He may have had to get attention by acting helpless in his previous situation and may have just been ignored when he did things right.

My son has done that, or he will do the "What?" thing, he will just say what? over and over and over if he doesn't want to do what I am telling him or hear what I am saying. So now I just say, you heard me, go do it. He also loves to do the mumbling thing trying to get me to say what. So I just pretend I didn't hear a thing and keep staring at him till he speaks clearly. We got over the playing dumb thing by my treating him that way for a while. "oh you can't play with the other kids, cause you need help finding your shirt so you probably can't do that either and I don't have time to help you. This would infuriate him because he prides himself on being indipendant. For him his favorite thing is video games so he can't play them when he is not acting like a seven year old. I tell him that since he is pretending to be a two year old he can only do things a two year old can do. That means no video games and an early bed time and no trampoline, etc.

M is 2.5 years old and he was neglected and starved as a child. But with the processing disorder I dont think that applies because I can tell that he knows he is just not doing it. Yesterday he had a break through. We have been working on naming body parts. (he knew none) and has gained alot of confidence by doing them right even though he slips into pretending he does not know. Ex. "where are you eyes" he will start to point to his eyes and then point to his ears, his tummy, his feet. and when I say "no that is your ___ where are your eyes" he will eventually just look at me point to his eyes and get this big grin on his face. He just wanted to see what I would do. But yesterday he was putting on his shoes and the back was folding in and he could not do them up. I said (to no one in particular) "if you need help you need to ask" and all of the sudden he said "mommy" me "what" "HELP" I was so happy this is the first time he has actually said anything he was not told to say. Usually we have to tell him to say "help please" and then he will but yesterday he did it all on his own. Also he loves putting his shoes on now because it makes him feel like a big boy and of course we tell him good job. His confidence I think is what is holding him back as well as he is scared. He has also started saying "no" just a no for simple things not talking back. Which is good before he used to only say yes and start to cry.

2.5 years old is so young! It does sound like he's looking for positive one-on-one Mommy attention rather than intentionally trying to tick you off, but I'm sure there's lots of that even at this young age, too. My nearly 9-yr-old (middle child of three) is an expert at "playing dumb" both at home and in the classroom. Our attachment therapist has advised us to have the teacher quickly attend to her attention needs as they come up, with a physical touch to the shoulder to calm her, then walk away and let her do it herself. "A, I know you can add 3+4 since I saw you do it correctly all last week. But it's OK, you can stay in for recess and finish your work in the office if you need to." (So far A has been spending quite a few days inside during recess, so I'm not sure how well this method is working.) At home, the therapist wants us to recognize that when she gets whiney "I'm hungry" (10 minutes after eating an after-school snack), "I don't know how...," and other babyish things, she's "asking" for one-on-one Mommy-"baby" attention (because she missed these as an infant & toddler). Therefore, Mom (or Dad if he's there) is supposed to pull her into my lap and spend a few minutes "teaching baby" the missing skill. The therapist said she'd only need this a few times for the brain to re-wire and that she'd ask for it (or show a need for it with misbehaviors) less and less until eventually the behavior is gone. This seems to be true for the food issues so far. I began hand-feeding her pretzels or snap peas, etc. (with her lying across my lap on the couch) when she says, "I'm hungry!" within minutes after eating an after-school snack, and she hasn't complained of being hungry for a few days now. Hmm, maybe she's moved beyond that one! Meanwhile, she's still getting two or three "warnings" at school each week, so it's clear her needs aren't being met there. Just a thought...maybe baby him a bit, lovingly re-teaching skills you know he already knows...and with Attachment parenting in mind...verbally expressing that you are being a "good Mommy" because "good mommies teach their babies xxxxx" (this is to help him distinguish good mommy-you, from neglectful/hurtful mommy. Eventually he'll see you as two separate individuals and hopefully quit acting out with you to express his anger at her.) Good luck! I know we all need it! :grouphug: EDIT: RE: Lorraine's tricks...Yes, those are great! We've done that as well with our "baby," but when she's fighting with her sisters and creating all kinds of havoc in the next room, I'll have her sit on a blanket in the room with me (usually the kitchen because they always act out when you're busy, don't they?!) with baby toys. This keeps her close and out of trouble, and most importantly, BORED. Then after supper I'll take her aside and ask how she liked sitting on the blanket with the baby books and blocks. She'll admit it wasn't much fun and she'll try harder to think before acting next time. HOWEVER, our new therapist said that she won't ever be able to process this and make those connections (behavior to consequence) until we re-wire her thinking by showing her she's loveable, deserving of affection, and we'll always be here to care for and love her. Tall order, but we're just beginning, so we've still got lots of hope! ;)

oh goodness...2 years old and zipping his coat and getting dressed! I think your standards might be a bit high. especially for a child with a traumatic background like his. you should expect inconsistencies and possibly pretty big developmental delays at this point.i agree with the previous poster that he probably needs babying. he needs reassurance, extra love, and yes, even allowing him to play dumb and recieve extra attention and help. once your bond is solidified, you can work on the other stuff (independant skills). but please don't ignore him anymore, you will only hurt the attachment process.i would suggest you look up about attachment parenting and possibly seek a therapist for more information.

In answer to another message you posted, yes, you are being too hard on the little guy! I'm sorry but toddlers do not always understand what is told to them. Moreover, whether you realize it or not, your child's anxiety level is extremely high - he's only been with you a few weeks and is still trying to figure out the world. When anyone, especially a child, is anxious, it's very difficult to process requests for specific behavior. If you child was exposed to drugs in utero and has had multiple caregivers he is not going to be as advanced as the average toddler, and IMHO, you're expecting a LOT from the little guy. Sending a toddler into another room to do something and come back is really sophisticated behavior. Don't be so sure that he knows and is willfully not doing it - he could have just forgotten. When I adopted my son, I felt a lot like you. I was the adult, he was the child, and that's the way it was. 22 years later I can tell you that I was dead wrong. My attitude compounded his anxiety, behavior issues, bonding issues, abililty to learn and on and on and on. You have no idea how badly I wish I could take back a lot of what I did then - all in the name of teaching him what he needed to know and pushing him to grow. To this day he thinks that I don't think he can do anything right. When we adopted my daughter 7 years ago I changed my tune big time. I'm still the Mom, and still in charge, but now I look at everything from her perspective and try to communicate with her in the best way for HER, not for me. Our relationship is much more relaxed and she's very agreeable and compliant. You probably don't see it now, but they are little for such a short time! They need hugs and gentle words and yes, a little coddling. It doesn't mean that you feed them chocolate for breakfast. But sometimes, if they're tired or it's been a long day or they've been wonderful or whatever, you undress them even though they know how. It makes them feel loved and it's a snuggly fun time for you, too. If there's one thing I've learned in being a mom for over 30 years - it's impossible to win a power struggle with toddler. Believe me, I've tried. In the end, they'll ALWAYS find a way to get back at you. You don't have to prove to him that you're the Mom and in charge - he knows that. Let him be who he is. Enjoy him - stubborness and all.

Kudos to your new therapist for recognizing this, this is a vital piece I feel like many therapists miss. They are so focused on the behavior they ignore the reasons for the behavior!

AdoptionAlly, thank you so much for your post. I agree that the expectations seemed a bit high for such a young child. But, more than that, I really appreciated your post as it helped me to take a closer look at myself and our situation. We're in in pre-adoptive phase with a 4 1/2 year old. since our other two adoptions were older than this when they came to us, we haven't dealt with anyone this young since our bio was this age, and he is 12 now. Thank you for reminding me that she is just a little girl, and sometimes I need to just change my expectations and accept that my agenda is not the most important thing in the world.

My child is like this...started at 4 but I thought maybe she was a little behind other kids, but now at 7 she still plays dumb. OP child is so young still...I agree that too much is expected of him. I babied my girl until she was 3 and then realized I might be keeping her back. She thrives on power conflicts and when I ask her something when she is in this mood it becomes a fun game to watch her play dumb. I usually send her to time out. I don't have much tolerence for it but I have to say we are getting better relating with our new therapist. Adoption Alley is so right...learning to relate is so key to their development.

She's the baby of my bio group and is now 8! and still does it. She was babied and knew if mom and dad were unavailable, all she had to do was ask older sisters. I think she lost a lot of oppritunity to learn to problem solve. Her power to play dumb is AMAZING. I remind you, she's my bio. No underlying attachment or other problems. Took until this year for dad to catch on (he always said I expected too much of her, she was still so little.) She was also just tested for the gifted program, which makes everything funnier. Her character traits are sometimes so extreme that I warn everyone not to turn the new littlest ones into her (I knoesw it's bad). For the last two days she has been crying because she lost her "towel for the summer". She's bemoaned "I looked everywhere" and cried, "I'm so stupid" trying to get sympathy/help. I finally broke today and said "If I find it you are in trouble." And guess what. . . walked right upstairs to her personal clothes hamper and there it was! EERRRGGG. I'm not saying it's true in your case, but sometimes time to think about a problem and not recieve unessesary help is GOOD!! These children have been through so much stress, it's hard sometimes to remember that little stressors can also produce good results. I don't think I'll ever figure out the balance.

Erin,, my little girl has just turned 3 and has a speech delay,,, still going through full diagnosis but was exposed to alcohol and drugs in-utero..... they are thinking she may have a processing problem,,,, now we have watched her closely and honestly you can see that most of the time she understands , but sometimes she just looks blank with a request.... until she was diagnosed with problems i thought she was just being defiant,,, but i can honestly tell the difference now,,, when she is being defiant she will run away or throw a tantrum or just outright now say no!!!! the speech therapist explained it that just sometimes the brain cant get everything in order at the right time to get the words out or even to understand,,,,, she has only just started answering yes and no to a question that she understands and she turned 3 in may,,,,, it might help if you jot down what is going on at the time too,,, as we have noticed that if there is background noise her understanding of words or requests seem worse ( her hearing is perfect) these speech and processing disorders seem very complicated..... but i do understand your frustration when he understands one moment and not the other .... i usually ask "would you like to take your top off or would you like me to do it for you"? this usually results in "i do it"....Good luck for the future with your little guy :-)