New Here

Hi Brodey. Wanted to say how sorry I am that you and your siblings have lost your father. You seem to be a very level-headed 26 year old and a responsible one too if the court has granted you temp. custody....so your father must have been a good dad or at least set a good example to make you want to become an instant father to four at such a young age! You will find lots of knowledgeable people here and they will be able to answer any question (big or small) or lead you in the right direction for answers (even at 2am!) Will you be able to get some help with these children? With their father gone, will they qualify for a social security check,etc? I am not sure if at 26 if I could have taken on the responsibility that you are (and I had a 4 year old and was an elem. school teacher at the time) and I certainly could not have done it without financial help. So my first instinct is to make sure you are ok money wise. What ages are your siblings that you have in your custody? What state do you live in? What agency is helping you with your current custody case? A lawyer? Have they told you what you will have to do next? The more we know about you and the kiddos the more responses you will get that can lead you to some helpful places and/or the better advice we can give. Will say a prayer for you and your loved ones who are grieving. Take care and keep us posted on how things are going. Kim

To answer your questions: Will you be able to get some help with these children? There's not really much family around here anymore. We have an Uncle who lives nearby, but he's only a few years older than me. So, for the most part, we'll be on our own. With their father gone, will they qualify for a social security check,etc? We have a family lawyer working on that right now. I'm afraid I've been so busy trying to get everything else straightened out that I haven't really given it much thought. ...So my first instinct is to make sure you are ok money wise. I guess that's why I haven't given it much thought. My father was a successful produce and dairy farmer and horse breeder. He'd also had a plowing company, so he'd put away enough money for the kids in case of something like this. Besides, we just opened a gravel pit outside of town that's doing very well. On top of that, the lawyer said his life insurance policy should be settled soon so we'll have that money too. What ages are your siblings that you have in your custody? I have custody of Kieran who is 17, Kelly is 16, Connor is 13 and Grace is 8. We also have three other brothers. Finn is 24. He lives and works in Boston. The twins, Tristan and Patrick, are 20 and are both away at school. What state do you live in? We live in New England. I'd prefer not to say exactly where for now. What agency is helping you with your current custody case? Have they told you what you will have to do next? The lawyer took care of me getting temporary custody, but I have to appear before the court next week to appeal for long term custody. from there we'll start working on the adoption process. My lawyer told me this was the best thing to do to make sure we couldn't ever be separated. Thank you for your kind words. I hope I answered all your questions okay. -Brodey

If it were me, I'd get a second legal opinion on whether adoption or legal guardianship were best. Also, I'd check into the social security benefits of the children and how that would be affected by adoption. I have one friend who adopted her sister's child, and the child still gets the social security money every month. But if I were you I'd sure want to confirm that with the Social Security Office before the adoption. It is great if you don't need the money to raise them, but you can always save it for them. The three older children will have the right to refuse to be adopted, so you will need to talk to them and find out what they prefer. And be prepared to tell them all their options. How do you plan to deal with teenage rebellion? Do they already see you as an authority figure or are you just a regular sibling to them? The younger two might express their grief over losing their father and the other changes in their lives by acting out (misbehaving, being 'impossible'). Do you have the maturity to see past the misbehavior to the unhappy child and comfort them even when they are really annoying? If you have time, I'd recommend you read books about children and grief, and since you are becoming the 8 yr old's parent, the book 'Attaching in Adoption' might be a good one for you to read, because that young of child is going to emotionally need a parent not just an older sibling with parental authority. It is too bad you don't have more relatives, but since there are so many of you and it sounds like you were all raised in a situation that would make you feel valuable and competent, I suppose you are all more able to handle this situation than run-of-the-mill families. Might be worth taking the whole gang to family therapy a few times off and on, so no problems fester to the point of becoming serious.

I agree with Howdy on the second opinion for adoption as long as legal guardianship will give you the legal rights you need in order to raise them. You may want to consult a family law attny specifically. Adoption will remove your father from their birth certificate. That may only seem like a piece of paper but it does have an emotional impact... My brother's were in this situation (their mom passed away) and while they grew up knowing a "Mom" it has hurt that their biological Mom was erased legally from their lives. You are the best judge as to how that would affect your siblings. Maybe put yourself in their shoes... Would removal of your Dad from your BC be OK? If not, I would look for an alternative to adoption... Just something to think about...You sound like an incredible brother. I am so happy they have you. (((Hugs)))

I'm so glad I found this place. Already things have been brought to my attention that I never would have considered. Tomorrow my main priority is finding a lawyer who practices only family law. from there we'll discuss further my options. I've already gotten all four kids into councelling. They're all doing really well aside from Grace, who has suddenly developed an aversion to speaking in public places. The therapist said something about Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I'm not worried about the boys at all to be honest. We've always been pretty close and, after our mother died, I've been like a second parent so its not too far of a stretch for us. The only thing i'm really worried about it Grace. #1: She's really young. And #2: She's a girl. She's already having more problems with this than the rest of the kids, so I know its going to be hard. I just don't really know how to talk to her is all. I'll figure it out though. "Attaching In Adoption" sounds very informative though from what I've read on Amazon. Anyways, thanks for the advice. It really helps more than you probably realize. -Brodey

Brodey~ I am so glad you posted again. I feel better knowing that at least financially you are doing well and can take care of the the kids' physical and emotional needs. I worried about you last night, but you are really ahead of the game and doing a great job. Also, knowing that you are not having to go through DCFS but through a lawyer makes me give a sigh of relief for you. It will go so much smoother and you will get some valuable advice from a lawyer that you wouldn't otherwise. You are doing such a wonderful job to already have them in counseling. I hope Grace is able to overcome losing both parents before such a young age. But she has you and that is so much more than many children have. She is getting to stay with family and that counts for alot. I am wishing you the best and like I said, keep posting, and the people here will help you all they can. Kim