Need advice - challenges in open adoption

If you don't mind me asking, why did she think CPS would take the baby from the hospital? Also, how did you find out that she never actually intended to place? I'm just curious... I would be upset as well. Not that she parented of course, but that she misled you (and essentially "used" you guys). But I think I would "have it out" with her about that and try to move on for your son's sake. I know that will be hard, but as I've tried to learn (I'm still trying!), you have this OA for your son's sake and having her in your son's life may be important to him (if not now, then someday). Also, your son now has a sibling whom he may want to know as well. I find it hard not to walk on eggshells sometimes, but I really think you should confront your son's birthmom and let her know how upset you are. GOOD LUCK!

Well, she also has a 13-year old daughter, who she has physical but not legal custody of, since late 2006. She has this huge list of "requirements" she needs to demonstrate competancy on before regaining legal custody. CPS told her they intend to take legal custody of both children if she does not meet her requirements before the next hearing, but since she had physical custody of her older daughter at the time of birth they had no legal standing to keep her from maintaining physical custody of the baby. So that's the CPS part. For the "I know she didn't tell me the truth" part - she had a friend with her at the hospital who said "Well, she's been having serious second thoughts the whole time - adoption was something she needed to keep as an option IN CASE CPS decided at the last minute to take physical custoday as well." I also asked her on several occasions (because we did have a good relationship), "are you sure about this"? She always said yes, she wanted her younger two children to grow up together. I think that I will be contacting her in the future, for my son's sake... but it is going to be hard because if she had just TOLD me she was having second thoughts, I still would have been there for her...

A, that's such a tough spot to be in. I think when you contact her, get it off your chest. "Hey, I spoke with so and so and she basically said that you were only planning on having us adopt as a 'backup plan.' Why didn't you tell us that? You know that we would have been there for you no matter what, etc." Maybe she'll deny it or maybe be defensive, I don't know, but hopefully it will at least clear the air. I know you are hurt. I would be too. Hang in there! There's no guidebooks for this stuff, is there?

Thats a tough situation and I'm sure it did hurt... YIKES! I'm not in an OA but I agree that you should clear the air - and probably sooner than later - Call her see how everyone is doing and say, something like "this is really bothering me, so & so told me... etc, etc..." This is too important of a relationship (for your son's sake) to let this fester and potentially undermine what what shaping up to be a good relationship... She deserves a chance to tell her side of the story and you deserve to know the truth... So sorry this happened!

More than likely she was afraid to tell you the CPS part of it in case you wouldn't agree to it, Maybe it really did look like she was going to lose custody and she wanted her kids to grow up together. Who knows when she really found out that CPS was not going to swoop in and take her baby?

I agree that you should clear it up---as Brenda points out, you don't really know what she found out when, and also she may have been playing to an audience a little w/ her friend, just as you think she was doing with you. I like loveajax's suggestion of how to approach it. We went through a very similar ordeal w/ H's bmom asking us to parent his half sister (didn't work out, she's parenting) so I do understand what you're going through---it puts a strain on the relationship that wasn't there before. As others have said, though, you have to focus on what's best for your child instead of your own feelings about it. PM me if you want to talk about it.