is it usual...?

I'm a female adoptee, pushed some people away at times. If you knew my history with my husband it all might be more understandable. Someone being mean to you isn't fun and continually mean is just wrong... So the age old question differences in adopted men and adopted women...? don't have answers... I can't say searching out family has helped but I hope the future proves better.

I'd say it really depends on the adopted person.For me, the answer is yes. I pushed pushed and pulled pulled in almost every relationship I've ever hard. When I married my husband (short long distance romance that resulted in a spur of the moment marriage) - I warned him that this is 'my thing'.It's not just friendships and relationships that I have 'issues' with.It's work too. I was able to make it thru school (masters) but beyond that...I have about a 2 year shelf life - if I don't really *try* hard.It's been real difficult to get thru...I'm having to work my rear off right now...I'm one month away from being at my current position for 2 years...and every day is a battle. Counseling really really helped me identify and address my 'fight or flight' attitude towards commitments...

Yes I think it is normal for adoptees to push people away, but I don't know that this behavior is unique to this group. As an adoptee, I know that I push, test, etc. It is all unconscious, but the point is to get people to hurry up and leave, when I'm ready, not to pull the rug out from under me. I've been doing this for ages. And usually I have been the one to leave, everything, before it gets too bad. The truth is, I feel scared that it is going to happen so I obsess, look for problems, cause problems, fights, etc and see what happens. The thing is, I've been the one to leave. I've not held jobs too long. I flip flop from one thing to another. I don't know if it is just my personality or what. I'm sure it is a combination of things. I think one of the best ways to help is to understand that this isn't about you. The testing is what your partner does. If you confront and argue, he will get the distance he tries to create. If instead you go to him, hug him, and tell him you love him, he is safe, and you aren't going anywhere, no matter how hard he pushes, with time, he may calm down. There are some great books about getting love and receiving love that may help. They offer exercises that require that you both look at your pasts and share. I hope this helps. Looking for help shows that you love him. Just be patient, if you can. Good Luck!

so once you push someone you love away...don't you ever regret it... do you ever look back and want the very thing back that you are destroying?does pride then get in the way? how can you get back what you had?do you swallow your pride and try to face what you did and try to repair it?or is it gone forever?

Hi. My husband is adopted. His mother lost a five year old boy by drowning, and she and my father in law were allowed to adopt my husband six weeks later - he was born on the day of her little boys death. (I think this was outrageous - she was just replacing her dead child, and couldn't even have begun to overcome her grief, or come to terms) Consequently, his birthday every year was a day of mourning - instead of the happy time it should be for any child. Although I have a good relationship with her, my husband hates her with so much passion - although he hides this. She is very controlling & manipulative, and sometimes the martyrdom is Oscar winning! There were some incidents in his childhood where this was very evident. I have tried to suggest to him that as there was no grief counselling back then, this was maybe a contributing factor, but he cannot accept this as a reason. Another boy was adopted and he is full of anger and hate. My mother in law freely admitted to me that she only wanted my husband as he was a 'gift from God' to replace the son she lost, and she only went through with the second adoption as my father in law wanted more children, and she was frightened he would leave. (She couldn't have any more children naturally) My husband is so full of anger. He accuses me constantly of manipulation, 'hidden agendas' and his paranoia knows no bounds. I hang in there because I love him, but am currently writing this after yet another text saying our marriage is over and he never wants to hear from me again, spending the night away, and now more texts saying he loves me and we can ' work things out'. He is not, and never has been violent toward me. There is no question of there being 'someone else'. He is emotionally bankrupt, except for anger - he says he loves me, but seems unable to show it. He has no emotion to towards death, or any traumatic event - he just believes life goes on, and grief is 'wasted energy' as you cant change things. He closes everyone out of his world, preferring to believe that everyone is only after something - the hidden agenda thing again. I desperately want to help, but I don't know what to do. My marriage means an awful lot to me, andwhen he is not angry, he is a wonderful person, and quite gentle, but robotic. Does any of this sound familiar? I'm sorry this was so long winded, but I thought some background may help. Is there anyone who can offert advice?

I am the partner of an adoptee and i have to admit, our relationship is often trying. I can relate to many of the things people are mentioning in this thread; particularly the severe mood swings Shelleyc discusses. My partner often says some terrible things to me and insists that the relationship is over, before apologizing and making me "I'm sorry" cards or buying me chocolate. I find this especially difficult since i am quite an easy-going person and try to avoid drama as much as possible. I tolerate the moods and the distress only because I know that she is "testing me"- I read that adoptee's, due to their initial abandonment, often push their partners/spouses as far as possible, to see if they, too, will abandon them. The best thing to do, if you really love your partner and want to work things out with them, is to encourage them to explore their feelings about being adopted. This can be hard as many adoptees shy away from this area of discussion. Try not to let the mood swings/verbal abuse get to you, as these usually arise from feelings of insecurity and low self esteem. Having said that, it is not fair to have to put up with this kind of behavior constantly. Perhaps you could suggest adoptee counseling? I have suggested this to my partner, and last time she flew off the handle at me before apologizing, I argued that if she sincerely wants to stop putting me through this, she will seek such counselling. That way she will be able to vent and explore her feelings with a professional who can help her build self esteem, chase away some insecurities, and help her deal with the burden that many adoptee's have to bear.

There is light at When my husband came home that day, we had a long talk, and I broached the subject of how he reacts. I then asked him to look at this web site. He saw the similarities from other adoptees and their partners regarding their behaviour, and we have had many conversations since last week. He isn't ready for counselling yet, but I am working on the theory of 'a journey starts with a single step'. Thankyou thankyou thankyou x 1,000,000 to everyone who has shared their feelings on here. Without you I would still be in despair. I feel hopeful at long last. :thanks:

A journey definitely does start with a single step; this time last year, my partner didn't acknowledge or realize she had any abandonment issues or problems stemming from her adoption, but now she realises she is not simply a bad-tempered, often mean or bad type of person, but that she just needs to work on addressing the problems at the root. It's not easy, but I have faith and we both work hard to overcome all the obstacles. I am so happy for you that your husband is willing to look at these sites and discuss his feelings with you. Best of luck on this journey, there will be ups and downs, but things will get better. :cheer: Good luck!

A journey starts with a single step...how right you are. But what happens when someone refuses to take that step? my partner has decided he doesn't want to search or find answers as he doesn't need to! He couldn't be more wrong. this is completely his decision..i understand that ....but his being "adopted,abandoned, unworthy of love and not good enough" colours his whole life. From the way that he views himself to the relationship he has with just about everyone he knows. His aparents, his abrother, his children, his friends and me. He only talks to me about how he truly feels when he is drunk and then can't remember what he has said. I am there for him, but I think he has made the wrong decision. I can't search for him nor yet make him search but I know that this is what he needs to do. I get pushed away and tested too. I'm hanging on in there at the moment, but it's hard.

This might seem cruel, but when hes drunk, I would record what he is saying. Then when he is sober and in the "right frame of mind" I would play him the recording. All adoptees need to hear from the bmom, and from what I am understanding, the communication from the bmom can be a "lifting" of the anger and frustration that the adoptee has stored inside.

This was exactly like my husbands behaviour. It has taken a long time to get to this step. He is in no way ready yet to look for his birth mother. In fact, his adoptive mother told him that he was the product of an affair, and she had 5 other children, but the marriage was in jeopardy, as her husband refused to bring up someone else's child. He forgave the affair, but not that. I feel if/when we get to that step, he will find a sense of belonging, which is something he's never really felt. One of the most difficult things is when he needs to supply medical history. He has nothing to go on. Hang in there, it isn't easy, I know, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Had a long chat yesterday and my partner told me that he finds it so hard to talk to me about how he feels because he hasn't ever had anyone to listen to him before. His amother has tried to bring up the subject of his adoption several times (the last time was only a few months ago) but he has avoided doing so. He says he feels guilty discussing it with her, as if it is the "wrong" thing to do. But she is making all the moves and I think she wants to help him. The bottom line is he is terrified of being rejected a second time by the woman who gave him life. He knows that his bmother had no choice as far as his being adopted goes. He knows her name and where her brother lives. Many times he has told me that he wants to show me his file, but it remains untouched in the cabinet on my side of the bed. The alcohol is his way of coping or hiding...not sure which. He says he loves me and yet i am always last in line when it comes to family life. I'm sure that he is testing me, frightened that I too will abandon him like all the other women in his life. I hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope it's not an on-coming train!!

Maybe you should take the bull by the horns. Perhaps it is onyour side of the bed in the hope that you will read it? Is it possible that you could make contact and see how the land lies? I am only making a suggestion, perhaps OPs who are adopted could make a suggestion. I have no information on my husbands family. His amother won't talk about it, as I think she would resent his going to find her. (My husband is 46, so time is not on his side). I really want him to find closure, or a resolution to this. Perhaps it would be better for him not to find her, as the affair may not be known by the rest of the family. Perhaps counselling would be best for him. However, we are a long way from that aswell.

Being adopted is not always the issue. Its the setting that you are placed in as an infant or child. I was an international adoptee-I had several friends who were also adopted some had great parents others did not. I am one of those who had one great dad and a horrible mother. The experience was very similar to the one above, with the mother dealing with a lost child. I was great as a kid and I know this because I tolerated the verbal abuse over and over-and as soon as I could fight back-I did. I needed a mom-having a dad was great but I really really needed a good mom in my life. Someone who could fill in the gap, the whole in my heart. I didn't need to hear the mumbo jumbo about how phycology of why my biological mother left me or because of this, I showed anger. Everyone gets angry if you make them mad. I realized that I started using at as an excuse. My biological mother did what she did for a reason-I will never know because she is passed away. I accepted it and now I have to go on living-raising my own. Don't put to much focus on problems looking for a reason to answer them. We are human beings, we all have flaws and adoptees more than any other need to loved and reassured, continuously until it makes us sick. That is why you are there. To tell us over and over again, because if we don't hear it-we will look for it from somewhere else. I personally think that in order for me to get attention from my spouse-I need to pick a fight or start something just so I can get a response. Instead of fighting back look the person straight in the eyes and tell them that you want them, need them, love them and appreciate everything that they do. If the argument continues...cry..that will get us.

Wow, Reading these posts was a bit emotional for me, as i relate so well. I have a deep seated fear of abandonment, even though i was blessed with very loving parents and family and never made to feel insecure, but my insecurities stem from the belief i was so easily discarded, that sounds harsh but i was left at the hospital and no forms were signed, it took 4 years for my adoptive parents to legally adopt me and this must of been a hard time for them. I am no good at relationships as i fear they will leave me, so i end up leaving before they can, jobs are a problem, its not that i dont work hard i just cant stick at it, i feel i am constantly floating and cant find my feet. I am forever upsetting the people i love, i dont do it deliberatly i just make poor choices and desision making is something i shy away from, i feel i cant make the right choice. I hate arguements and put up with a lot, because i dont want the person to not like me and leave me ! I know my A-mum wont leave me as i have pushed her every which way possible and she has always been there and loved me, but as for anyone else... And yes to be told, i love you, i need you, i am never going to leave you, are so very powerful, i wish someone would say that to me... I really dont like feeling this way but it has been there forever