Anger issues question to Adoptees

Thank you for your advise. I'm sorry about your relationship with your Aparents. Maybe they thought they were giving you tough love. Parenting is so hard these days and half the time you are just winging it and you listen to all the experts who tell you what you should do and from my own experience the experts aren't always experts. Maybe they thought they were doing right by you by being tough on you or maybe they felt like they let you down and facing you hurt too much. I can't say for sure but maybe if you reached out to them now they would reach back. If they don't - it is their loss - you sound very caring and strong. But it might be worth the attempt.

Hi - thanks to all for the advise. I have read the 20 things adoptive kids want their parents to know. It has been helpful in a lot of ways. I have read lots of articles and some books and they always make me feel like I'm stuck in a pinball machine being batted from one side to the other never really knowing where I'm headed next. Sometimes the books are so generic to me. I'm never really sure if my kids feel this way or what. Neither one of my kids seem to like to talk about their adoption no matter how much I tell them that it is okay with me. I guess I just sometimes wish I could see straight into both my kids' hearts and fix all their hurts. I never really knew what pain was until the day my daughter sat sobbing over a conversation we had about her life before she came to me. Til the day I die I would rather have knives stuck in my eyes then to see that crying "from the soul" kind of sobbing from either one of my kids but it is something I know I have to endure over and over again. Thanks to 01Rain for reminding me I need to keep track of the whole picture too. A special note to mariarippy. People (well at least anyone I have ever met) do not adopt because they were not able to conceive their ownӔ children. I know plenty of people who were not able to conceive their own children and decided NOT to pursue adoption or any other method of having children. They just decide to deal the cards they were dealt. The people who adopt are not willing to deal the cards they were dealt and make a conscious decision to adopt because they want to be parents - period. They are not to blame for the WAY you came to them any more than you are. It should be something that ties you together not separates you. I know that I feel a special bond to my children because we were all put together because we all needed EACH OTHER. It wasnt a one way street. I needed them and they needed me. I thought that made their coming to me all the more special and miraculous. I would be willing to bet my life that if you asked your parents if a genie would grant them one wish would they choose to go back and have a biological child or go back and adopt you all over again Җ they would unequivocally say adopt you. They maybe didnt have a choice on HOW you came to them but they did have a choice whether or not you did. I'm sure they treasured you! and NOT for your translating abilities. Your words remind me of a book I read to my kids all the time -it is called "Rainbabies". Look it up and read it to your kids. It might help you understand your parents more and feel more like the blessing I'm sure you were to them.

I knew I was adopted from as long back as I can remember. My parents never hid it. Still I think starting at 10 I was angry. I was angry at my adoptive parents, for what I don't know why. I guess it's when I told people that I was adopted I got treated like trash. Kids at school treated me like a freak, and some of their parents weren't much better. My Adoptive parents did what they could, they took me to a couple of shrinks, but I don't think either knew what to do other than treat the symptoms, and by 12 I was on anti-depressants. No they didn't work. I'm 31 and still angry. I was angry with my adoptive parents for not knowing what to do, other than yell at me and tell me that I should be greatful for the wonderful life I had. They didn't know any better, all they got from the agency was a "healthy white baby" and they didn't tell them "hey, there may be issues down the line, here's how to handle it or where to go for help". It was a different generation, and I forgive them for what they did. They thought that if they just swept it under the rug and kept me from talking about it, I'd be ok. Well, I wasn't. I'd say find a Child Psychologist who is familliar with adoption issues, you will find more of them know then when I was at that age, and hopefully they may know how to work through this. I wish you well.

Dear Ravencadwell, I can't tell you how much your advise means to me. Your post brought me to tears because I have been guilty of the same thing your parents are guilty of even today with all the articles and books. I think its because as an adoptive parent you have insecurities too. I have this deep rooted fear that my children will grow up and not want me in their lives because I'm "just" their adoptive mom. I know how you felt in school because other moms do that to me too. I love my children more than life and I do all the same things those moms do, but they talk to me as if I am second rate and not really a mom - like I'm just pretending to be a mom. Then when I feel like my daughter is angry with me when I haven't even done anything to deserve it - it touches that raw nerve and my instinct is to want it to go away. I want to be nice and safe and sound in my denial. But I am going to keep working on it. I am going to bring us all to adoptive healing therapy. I am so glad to hear that you have forgiven your parents and are loving enough to understand that they didn't know what to do and thought (like me) that if they kept reminding you of how much they wanted and loved you that somehow that would be enough. But you are right - it isn't. Your hurt should not have been hidden or shut away or thought of in a way that made you seem selfish for feeling that way. You are far from selfish. You are wonderful to be able to put it all into perspective. I hope you find help for the anger you still feel. Talking about it and trying to help people like me and my girls is a good start. Thank you!!!

Dawells, Your ten year old child is also at the age when puberty can start...hormones...my sister started acting out when she hit puberty, I probably did too, to some degree. Your daughter may also need to be told by you that it is okay to be sad sometimes, to cry for what she lost and that you understand and can give her the space she needs, but will always be there for her. I think that being an adoptive parent is probably the hardest job, (and of course my parents were the best adoptive parents) and they still struggled through raising us. It is worth the time to understand how the different hormones work, and if that is even just a small part of the reason your daughter is hurting you may find some way to diffuse or redirect her actions. Kind regards,Dickons

I was always afraid to express any anger - or emotions period (typical male?) Somehow my need for approval and fear of rejection meant that I could not leave my parents - I took over the family business, lived a few blocks away, saw them almost every day.When they finally passed away was when the rage came out. It had erupted at times through adolescence, college years, and adulthood - I would go along conforming nicely to the "perfect son" model I had in my head, then suddenly do something outrageous.After they passed, I realized I had lived my life trying to please them, and was 52 years old in a town I didn't really care for, running a business I didn't like all that well. I sold the business and moved away to finally start my life. Then I went into therapy and found that I had never really faced the issues adoption meant. So I searched and found both parents, neither of whom was pleased to hear from me. It's hard not to think of what my life might have been had I not been so bound up in the issues surrounding adoption and abandonment. And that's where my anger or more accurately my rage comes from. The only thing right I did was raise my (biological) children to be secure enough to leave home and follow their own dreams.

Hi there...I know I am a little late, but I am new to this site, read your post and could totally relate...I gave the same advice to one of my closest friends who adopted a baby over 14 years ago..."she will tell you she hates you and you aren't her mother"...let her let it out...she will take it back...maybe not to your face, but deep down she knows you are her mother, the one who loves her unconditionally...adoptees always have a little feeling of lost deep down inside...feelings help us find our way...anger is a feeling...let her have it...because she will also feel affection, happiness, love, tolerance, tenderness, and many others that will help her find her way to knowing you as her mother...it takes time and patience...my birth mother should be sainted for putting up with me! Good luck!

I dont mean too sound harsh but this is a bunch of bunk.How do YOU know she will "take it back"How do YOU know that "deep down she knows you are her mother?" This is just not true. Its not true for me.Im 45 and still dealing with these issues. My A-Mom DID NOT accept me unconditionaly.I never have felt close. Im about as distant as you can get from both my A-parents.... I dont think its fair for you to say those things and generalize about adopted kids. Yes, she is only 10 but....thinking everything is "okay" is when the problem starts. I personally would take this very seriously

This does not make sense to people who are not adoptees (which describes most adoptive parents unfortunately.) On the first page of Primal Wound Verrier says that what she didn't realize was that no matter how much love she GAVE as an adoptive mother, that did NOT mean her daughter had the ability to RECIEVE that love. Sad, but true. It's taken me almost 60 years to be able to feel loved, despite 35 years of my wife's attempts. Love involves trust. Those of us who had our first primal bond broken have real problems learning to trust that anyone will ever stay.Though we often learn to mimic love...

I know this post is way after you put that post up but here it goes. Growing up in the family I was adopted I faced a lot of situations just like this one. I am not even sure where my anger came from but looking back the hateful, horrible, down right wrong things I said.... I just can not imagine the feelings you are feeling. My parents have one biological daughter and 5 other girls they fostered(who just stuck around lol). I always felt slighted. I think a lot of the emotions come with a lot of other influences. As a child whom is adopted you can not help but question why. Yes, you were special and chosen by this family. THEY WANTED YOU SPECIFICALLY!!! But, at the same time curiosity does set in.... if you want some advice and further insight feel free to email me whenever!

I wasn't angry until I was 12 and a horrible, smelly nun informed me and the entire class that I would not be an altar server at the annual confirmation service because I was adopted. I didn't dare tell the a-morons because I figured they would agree with her. Angry? I loathe the nuns and all religion and I curse god for the moment the a-morons walked up to my crib.

All adoptees deserve a copy of their original birth certificate.

My anger issues started around ten, though they weren't obviously apparent until about thirteen. Looking back, part of this was adoption related, part of it was just general "teenagerism", and part of it was the beginnings of a mental illness that wouldn't be diagnosed for several more years after a lot of damage had been done. I would suggest finding a *good* therapist who is familiar with adoption related issues (doesn't have to specialize, neccasarily, mine didn't) and doing a few sessions. If there is something chemically/physiologically out of balance the sooner you catch it the better.My brother has anger issues, don't know whether they are related to adoption or not, but I think *he* should have been in therapy as a teenager. However, his behaviors weren't as extreme as mine & so he never got treatment, and now probably never will. He's fine most of the time, but will lash out without warning. Hopefully something he can overcome on his own, but it makes family relationships rocky sometimes.Better to deal with it when it appears rather than waiting until there are major issues!

That's a hard one. You're right, it could be "normal" 10 year old stuff and/or some adoption issue. Probably a combination. You are definitely doing the right thing about speaking openly with her about her adoption. I know I've always had some abitrary rage in me from childhood. I was extremely difficult and hateful to my adoptive mother at times. I don't have a point of reference about how "normal" this is since being adopted is the only reality I know. However, I believe my "over" outrage at her was probably in part due to my lack of having a validated channel to grieve the loss of my birth mother. We're continually TOLD we're "special" yet FEEL "rejected". This is difficult to deal with. Also, adopted or not ... anger is sadness expressed differently. So maybe try to ask if she's feeling sad about something? I hope this helps a little and best to you ... blessings

Dawells...I am male. Adopted at 5 months. My first a-mom died when I was 3 and I was subsequently abandoned by my a-dad. When I was 6, my a-dad married again to a women who understood little and cared nothing about adoptees. Your childs experiences may be different, but it sounds like rage, unidentifiable to the child...I will share my own pathway which maybe entirely different, but it may help. At age 6 a rage began to develope. At 7, I knew I was an "outsider," with trust issues, and I hated everyone and everything...my peers had birth parents who loved and cared for them...they had something I didnt have and couldnt get...trust issues transferred to everyone...there were major gaps in my head in regards to knowing how to integrate with my peers and schoolmates...I wanted to be like them...but, I knew I was different...not "special," not "better than," not "unique"...only "different from"...it was a status I didnt know how to handle or accept. I wanted someone to come to my rescue, but didnt know how to ask, or what to say...my feelings of grief and loss were not definable...I had built a wall...it kept me safe from any additional pain, but it also kept everyone out...what followed was much of what you are experiencing in terms of acting out and "testing." It seems that therapists are now beginning to have a greater understanding regarding the severance loss experienced by adoptees in terms of the separation from their biological parents. Even tho the separation occurs prior to a knowledgeable age. Adoptees have little if any chance to share their feelings with other adoptees...at least that would be a peer group to whom they could relate. Perhaps this will be of some help in attempting to understand what your child may be feeling. Adoption pathways and family relationships may be different in each case, but it seems that the status as an "outsider" is the most difficult for adoptees to heal.