adoptive mother keeping full blodd siblings apart

I know from reading your post on another thread that you relinquished your daughter to her birthfather's aunt. Now I know that kinship adoptions have challenges all of their own, but I have to ask you this. What in the world were you thinking by contacting your 14-year-old daughter thru MySpace??? Don't you think it would have been much more appropriate to contact her amom, since your daughter's still technically a child?? You cannot just go behind her parents' backs, not while she still is legally a minor and living in their home. In the other thread, you talk about using your son as a "weapon". I really hope that you rethink this whole situation and concentrate on how it is affecting not only your daughter, but your son too. You're playing a dangerous game, and somebody's going to get hurt... IMHO, this type of behavior just reinforces old stereotypes about birthmothers...and it hurts people.

Why in the world would you want to tug at your bdaughter's heart in that manner? Are you considering what is best for her or are you just so adamant set into getting your way?

I Am Her Mother!!!!

Yes her real family. I did give birth to her

i know her adoptive parents very well. it is her biological fathers aunt. and i didn't contact her in secrecy her a mom knew i was looking and kept her from me for 14 years

I think whole hearted that contacting my daughter so she can have a relationship with her brother is not wrong. how can it be. I have never spoke to her!!!! Only him. I'm not using him to get to her. that would be wrong. what kind of mother do you think i am anyway. and why does everyone always defend the A mother? she took advantage of me!!!! she is a horrible woman! I know her personally she knew the pain i was going through as the babies father was cheating and running me through the ringer with physical and emotional abuse. they both conspired against me and threated if I changed my mind about the adoption they would try to take my son away from me as well. at 19 how could i have known they couldn't. I knew nothing at that age. i was scared and confused.

You did give birth to her. But you are not her parent legally, or in terms of your harmful behavior. Poor kid. This is unfortunate on so many levels. The last thing a 14 year old needs, in my opinion, is interference with how she's being parented. The other thing on a different level is that many birth parents have worked hard to 'convince' the rest of the world that birth parents do not behave this way. Hopefully this is the exception that proves the rule, that most birth parents do not cause this kind of harm with this kind of unacceptable mindset. Very sad, really.

mom4,The thing that you have to remember is that the amom is the legal mom. She has the right and the responsibility to do what she feels is necessary and best for her daughter. And her daughter is 14. This means that she is not legally at an age that she can make those decisions. And as hard as it may be for you right now you must abide by that. In 4 years when she is no longer a minor (or before if her amom feels it is appropriate) then you can have contact with her if that is what she wants. Right now, legally speaking, you have no right to be contacting her without her amom's permission. If you feel differently then you should seek contact through legal channels and let a court decide. Sometimes the decisions we make in life limit the choices we have in the future.Samantha

YES You ARE her Mother, however you are currently NOT parenting her. Regardless of how things went, you DID sign a paper giving up yourrights and giving those rights to the aparents. I can only imagine your pain, however this apprears to be you just wanting to be one up and having the power to do what you want to do. Personally, I feel you are not at all being fair to your bdaughter. She is at the age where children(bio or adopted) have a tendancy to rebel against their parents(the ones that raised them). All you are doing is putting that child in the middle and fueling any of these normal teenage things. 14 is such an akward age too. They are not babies and yet not quite full blown teens. I think as an adoptee I would have been upset if my bmom concocted ways to interfere in my relationship with my amom. Sure as a normal teen I might have had times where I butted heads with my amom, but all kids do that. I urge you to please rethink your actions and tr to communicate with the amom. Manipulating your children(both adopted out and raised ) is doing them both a great disservice. Now your raised son probably feels badly about not being able to contact his biosis all because you decided this was a good idea. Sneaking is another form of dishonesty and it is giving these children the idea that is OK to lie. Lies in adopting bring nothing but hurt. I can tell you that first hand. Creating this type of discord, whether it be to serve your own needs or win a point could bring irrepairable damage that can take years to overcome. I pray that you are able to sort this out and that if your should contact amom she is able to see how much you would like to see and talk to your bdaughter. Both you and amom have a resposibility to do what is best for this girl and right now being that she is STILL a child right now her amom is in more of a position to call the shots.. In 4 years your daughter will be of legal age. Alot can happen in 4 years. You wouldn't want your daughter to look back and be angry at you for basically setting her up by encouraging a relationship with her biobrother only to have amom pull the plug on it. In the end the truth will surface, it always does. EZ

I have to agree with everything that was said here before. I've been through this from the sidelines, my DD was contacted by her birthfather unexpectedly on myspace when she was 14. And I was (still am) furious with what he did, because I felt he was being incredibly selfish and disrespectful to DD's family and to DD by putting her in a position at such an age. It startled her and caused issues that trickle into my own contact, which I initiated with her adoptive mother. And I'm still upset for DD, who I think is confused, her a-mom who is cautious that I too am going to go behind her back, and myself, for having to deal with this when I felt I went about it appropriately. I understand a very small bit that he felt contact was between DD and himself, but if I was a mother and I learned that a stranger approached my child on the internet, I'd be furious, biologically related or not. I understand that you are her mother, but you are not her only mother, and you are not the one who is legally responsible for her, nor the one who your child grew up calling Mom. I know that's harsh, but you can't discount her a-mother here, no matter how coerced the adoption was. Your daughter should not continue to bear the brunt of this (which she will, if she is put in the middle) nor should your son. I think you need to take a step back, APOLOGIZE for starting off on the wrong foot (even if you don't feel you did something wrong, you still contacted a child behind her parents back) and try to work this out. If not for you or for her parents, but for your daughter. It's a rough age, and loyalties are torn in the best of relationships. You may lose your daughter's loyalty down the line if you don't try to make some peace here. And try to find peace within yourself. I know you feel betrayed because the adoption was not on your terms, and that's valid. But you can't build a relationship on anger and betrayal. Not a "real" one, anyway. Good luck!

Well your last few posts have openned my eyes as to why her mom may be concerned aboutyou entering their lives right now. You may want to do some reading on these forums....it may help you gain some perspective on your actions.

I don't think anyone is defending your daughter's mom. I think what you've been getting is excellent advice...it's just not what you wanted to hear. You did talk about using your son as a weapon in another thread... Look, when my children were teenagers I wouldn't have let them spend time with anyone, no matter who they were, that spread negativity about me and my family. The relationship between parents and teenagers are so tough anyway during that time. No matter what happened in the past, I hope you can find a way to build a bridge for the sake of your children. Good luck.

yes i see your point

In your PM you sent: I am not surprised at your comment. your not a biological mother you wouldn't understand. I feel that an adoptive mother's joy comes from a lifetime of pain for the birth mother. It's just truth No, it is not truth! I am the adoptive mother, the mother who is looking to contact b-moms so my daughters can have a healthy relationship with them, and to grow up knowing that they were loved equally by both mothers. I do not get any joy of whatever pain the b-moms might be going thru, during my daughters' birthdays or holidays I often think of them and wonder is they are sad, hurt of if they even remember them. My comment to you was to not tug at your b-daughter's heart. The kind of relationship you're trying to establish with your b-daughter in my opinion is not a healthy one. I'm surprised the a-mom has not obtained a restraining order. The child is a minor and a-mom is very well able and in her right to obtain a restraining order against you, your son, or anyone else she sees as a threath in her daughter's upbringing.

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