Is It OK for a Birth/Firstmom to Limit Contact in an OA?

Opps.. spelling error: I meant does the nature or the frequency of the contact matter more to the children?

Michelle,Honestly, it rather triggers my abandonment issues and I worry that other adoptees may also have that response. I do not know if the Mom "needs" to move. I thought TGM said it was optional? I like BRandy's idea of keeping the amount of visits the same or very,very close to the same number and frequency. Would a divorced mom or dad~be okay with moving away and changing to hardly any visits? I doubt it. So why would an adoptee feel any less abandoned? JMO and yep, I am triggered;~(

Lonni~ Please don't interpret my question as questioning your right to feel however you feel about this, my honest question is "Who decided that the birth mom did NOT need to move?" Did birth mom say she didn't need to move and that it was optional or is someone else saying that their opinion is that birth mom doesn't have to move and it is optional? That would have alot of bearing on some of my thoughts. If birth mom is admitting that she does NOT have to move but wants to because, well, she just wants to, then I might see things a bit different. BUT if it is someone else's opinion that birth mom does not need to move, then my question remains "who are we to know what birth mom needs to do"I live 1200 miles away from my placed son, I know many birth mom's who live miles away from their placed children, and yet I feel like we can still be involved without making them feel abandoned.ETA: My parented children's father chose to move 30 miles away from them and no he did not need to, he could just as easily live here, however he does make an effort to be involved, every other weekend visits, dinners during the week, phone calls daily and vacations together. My children don't feel abandoned, though I am sure they wish he were closer.

Response from the OP: The reason is that the birthmom is moving is that she wants to move to a new State with a friend (not a boyfriend). That’s not exactly the reason but close enough. It's not for a job and financially she will be worse off thus the limited visitation contact. She wont be able to travel back and forth much. Phone, email etc. is still available. This adoption is less than 6 months old (and so is the child) so there is no emotional impact on the child today. The question becomes, outside of unforeseen circumstances and emotional hardship, is it OK for a birthmom to disregard the commitments she made to an OA to follow a “whim” (for lack of a better word). If an adoptive parent did this, I might think they had lied when signing the OA, since the adoption is so new. So why is it different when a birthparent does it?

I don't know if you are just trying to make your situation sound bad or what.... but... I wouldn't be mad if my son's birthmom moved away "just cause she felt like it" Really I think that's why most people DO move - for whatever reason they fell it's a good idea. I think one of the reasons a birthparent may be kinda give more leniency is because the adoptive parent did not have a "crisis adoption". In most cases, they have thoroughly planned the adoption and have had to lay out what life will look like (at least for a while) in their family. A birthparent is just coming out of a crisis pregnancy in most cases....maybe the move is what she needs to get her life going again... I don't think moving is ever something that an adoptive parent or birthparent can dictate to the other.

i guess in a perfect world, both parties would only agree to what they are willing to commit to.... and both would be equally accountable.... when signing and discussing an OA contract, the birthparents don't have anything "to lose" so to speak.... they don't have any reason to deceive.....the adoptive parents do... they might think if they don't agree to a birthmothers terms, they won't be selected to parent the baby... that's a HUGE risk... and i do think many of them agree to terms just to get the baby... without any intention of keeping them.... (NOT ALL!)Plus, i think it goes back to a birthmother cannot ever predict how she will eventually feel after relinquishing.... and even those feelings will change over time.... in the first few months, she may be thrilled that she "gave her baby a good life"... maybe she is proud of herself, for "helping a couple become a family"... and maybe by month six she is completely overwhelmed with grief.... and a need for distance.... the thing about being a birthmother, is we often don't recognize why we feel certain ways.... we may think we are moving on a "whim"... when deep down, we can't stand being so near and involved with our child... it may hurt too much, but a birthmother may not recognize that.... alot of our real feelings are buried...Ultimately, as an adoptive mother, I believe i have greater accountability to my daughter and to my daughters first mother... than my daughters first mother has to me or my daughter...I believe that how i treat the birthmother matters way more than how she treats me or my daughter... because in the end, i believe that i am a more powerful force in my daughters life than her first mother is... and maybe that is faulty thinking... only time will tell.... but i will only ever relate to my daughters birthmother with compassion, kindness, love and respect first... no matter what.... i know, it's a tall order... but i strongly believe in it... and as my daughters 'mom'... i will be there to help her work through any hurtful choices her birthmom makes... and hopefully, teach her compassion.... in the process. I did absolutely nothing to "deserve" parenting this beautiful baby.... to be "chosen" to parent her.... her birthmother gave me everything... I am accountable to my daughter and my daughters birthmother.... eventually, my daughters birthmother will be accountable for her choices and actions... but it is up to my daughter to grow up, mature, and handle that as she sees fit....julie

"I don't know if you are just trying to make your situation sound bad or what...." Who and what are you referring to?

Michelle, I understand. I was expressing JUST my own feeling as an adoptee who does not do well EVER when loved ones leave. Even on a short trip with hubbie's job and even very aware that I have PTSD with abandonment issues, I still seem to melt down;~(( Maybe no other adoptees do this and I am sorry to have expressed this. I thought it might relate.

Haven't read the responses yet, but I think that it is wrong, either way it's wrong...

I would agree....

Just a couple of thoughts: Travel expenses should not be solely the responsibility of one party in an open adoption. People move for a gajillion reasons. My son's parents keep telling me they are going to move to warmer weather when their parents are no longer living. Will I miss out on my son? Sure, but I bet I would get attacked if I said that they were dishonoring their agreement with me and I would be informed that I can't dictate their life. Why would it be any different going the other way? As for the coparenting stuff... that doesn't even enter into this thread so I don't know why anyone would need to bring that up. That isn't what the OP is discussing, not even close.

Not sure if the co-parenting comment was directed to me or another poster, but if it was to me I will explain why I brought it up.First off, disclaimer....OA is NOT CO-Parenting.......But when I said :"She is the birth parent, not the parent, this is not co-parenting but more about being available to her placed child, I don't think that means she has to have weekly or even monthly visits. She could still make phone calls, send letters and pictures, there is a way to make OA work even from a distance."I meant that IF they were co-parenting (and they are not) then she would have the obligation to stay and help raise her child but since she chose an open adoption that means she should be available to her child but doesn't mean that she would have to stay within a few miles to have a successful OA and to be the birth mom she needs to be to her birth child.Sorry if my post was misunderstood.

I know you don't want to hear the "too emotional" "It was too hard" thing, but isn't there some truth to it for some people? There are some amazingly strong women on here who have educated themselves on adoption issues and had the strength to do what is right for their children, but not everyone is that strong. We are all so different --and that goes for first moms and adopted moms. What we can handle will not be the same for everyone. I don't know if we can say that is fair to the children, it's just a fact. Not everything is fair.

My comment wasn't directed towards you ;) It was someone else... you were clear :)

We can also turn this around.Supergirl moved with her family to another state. I wasn't informed about it until after the fact but still, we have and OA, so would that be a means of them not keeping up with their part of the OA.Was the move neccessary? No.Was it work related? No.There will still be contact. It would be a completely different story if she moved and stopped all contact.