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A question.. about the grandbabies when adult children and their babies reunite with the birthparent..
When I first reunited I found I had three grandbabies.. I had a fantasy that all would be well and all things would be well with them..
I used to think of flying out there and taking care of the babies.. kids.. and letting the bson and wife go off for a break as there are three grandbabies..
I wanted to really get into their lives..
I then started to think about what may be happening to/with the kids.. That they may think that if this woman gave their daddy up.. what about them.. Would someone give them up? I know there are a lot of debates on this kind of thinking and I would love to discuss..
I put this question in the communication between aparents and bparents.. and would love opinions on how important is this..
And how do adoptive parents feel about the birthparent moving into the life of the grandbabies..
I think this is something that is not talked about.. but it must be a very big emotional issue for some..
So the question is.. how does one handle this.. I backed off.. I in no way want to upset the lives of all the persons involved..
I gave my son up.. and I am responsible..
Jackie
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I don't know... My SIL had a reunion before she had children. Her birth mom died of brain cancer shortly after reunion (v. sad!). I wonder what the relationship would have been with SIL's kids...I just don't know. I am in a somewhat weird situaiton where DD's birth parents have not told their families about the pg/adoption. I have seen pix of DD's maternal grandmother and she just seems so lovely and cool. Then I saw a pic of DD's paternal great grandfather and he seemed so "warm." But to be honest, I think I would be "overwhelmed" a bit we had visits with all of them (there are tons of aunts/uncles, etc.). My MIL and mom "fight" over my DD as it is, I can't imagine adding more people to the mix. I know this is "selfish" on my part -- it really has nothing to do with DD. And I actually hope someday she wants to and is able to meet her extended birth family.
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Adoptee here, when I told my parents about meeting my bmom I think they were more worried about losing their grandson then me. I know they would be incredibly hurt to know that he thinks of my bmom as another Grandma. But with that said, I have encouraged my son to think of her that way if he wants to. When I told him who she was (he met her and knew her as my friend in the beginning), the first thing that he said was "That is so cool". They are building a great relationship and that makes me happy. My parents want no part of the whole reunion, they do not even discuss it, so it will not be the easiest situation for everyone but my son knows that no matter what he is loved by many! He has 3 Grandmas he loves and they love him, what a lucky kid! Hopefully that love will far out weigh the issues that my parents have.
I appreciate that bmoms are sensitive to aparents, but in the end it's the adoptee and their children that need to build the relationship however they want to. I choose to have 2 moms and another Grandma for my son.
I am not sure how this will all work out in the end, we go day by day and it seems to be working for now. Will my son have issues, probably, but everyone in his life will help him through them and make sure that he has help dealing with things. When I chose to share with my son, I did not do it lightly, I knew there would be repercussions. It's how we handle the repercussion that will either hurt the child or help the child.
My niece was working on a family tree and I thought what am I going to do when my son has to do one, my husband said something that just made so much sense...."Trees have lots of branches, that is why they are called family trees".
The part I hate is that my bfamily is the one who will always have to miss out if there are family events, since my family wants nothing to do with them I have to carefully plan and choose who will attend what. It's not how I want to live or what I want for my son, but right now there is nothing I can do about it. I try to include everyone in everything, just have to be creative about how I do it.
I rambled a bit but that is my perspective, hopefully it made sense. I know the relationships will never be perfect, there will be rough patches, but I truly believe they are well worth it!
loveis, i'm sorry that you have to deal with that. i have to say my MIL and FIL were really terrific when SIL had her reunion, but because birth mom died so quickly thereafter, they never had to face a lot of "issues" like you describe. i personally think it is great that you son has three gmas. i hope you are able to "integrate" the families more.... i was laughing with DH because DD literally has 10 grandparents (DD is adopted and so is DH). what kid wouldn't want that?!
This is a very interesting topic. The aparents said in there first email to me that I was going to love being an instant Grandma. Of course I was blown away by there accepting me right away into their family.
During this past Easter visit with my bson I babysat there 2 boys ( 2 and 2 months) while they went to work. They were very comfortable with it but in the back of my mind I was thinking, I'm a stranger watching your children. But I quickly got over that and just enjoyed my grandbabies!
HBV
I know my bson told the kids right away that I was his birthmom/other mother.. The kids were infant (obviously she had no thinking on this) and three and six (or close to that)..
I can not remember what I originally read (wish I could) when I went into the thinking that the kids would worry that they could be given away just like their daddy..
And now I question why am I worried about them and not their daddy.. interesting..
I have a shady past.. I did drugs for years and bson knows this.. I wonder if he has factored that into his thinking.. but then he is very open with sending pictures and the kids sending cards thanking me for the gifts.. and telling me how much they like them..
We live a long way away tho..
It was closed and I was away from them and they do not really know me..
But its me that worries.. I do not want to divide the loyalty on terms of the children..
And I can see where the worry would be.. or happen.. For a while in early reunion I felt the kids were 'open' as they were not given up.. I was going to write fair game but that sounds crass..
The kids are me inventing myself.. going on with more life..
Loveajax
This is still a grandparent issue isn’t it.. On Dr Phil he says.. “Grandparents are the ones that can spoil the grandkids”..
Can indulge.. Can become the nicest people in the world to the kids..
We take responsibility for our actions.. bottom line.. and I am sorry that the birthmom has not told her parents about the birth and relinquishment.. it adds more to the secrets and may confuse in the future..
But then this is what some adoptees live because of closed adoption..
Loveis
And I think this needs to be taken into account.. and respected..
It plays into the why we relinquished and were we forced and I have a right to know my kids because this and that..
The grandkids are the ones that suffer when there is a debate as to whether the birthparent or the aparent are the grandparent..
And this is not what I wanted..
I gave my son up for the greater good.. for him so he could have a good life.. (yes I know its skewed thinking and can be debated ad nausaum)
I am glad I have opened this up for discussion..
Absolute bottom line. For once the one relinquished gets to be in charge and decide..
Finally they have control of their life and their family..
This thing just keeps giving and giving..
What a shame this is happening.. But I can understand the worry..
Kathy I am glad it is working for you.. I am glad you posted and said it was working..
I hope others reply and say its working..
Gives me hope..
Jackie
First, if the adoptee understands that closed adoptions were the norm when they were placed, does that help in reunion? What I mean is this---even though there are lots of circumstances now where OA doesn't make sense, it's at least an option on the table for us now, but 20 or 30 years ago, it really wasn't. I think there's a more rational, alternative reaction that could be encouraged than just "would someone give me up" I guess a lot of it would depend on how the adult adoptee has dealt with the situation of reunion.
I can tell you that I'm fine w/ the involvement of H's birthgrandparents in visits, etc., but I do not ask them to babysit or care for H. It's a little different than your question, I know, but I think there's some analogy. Even though we have a special tie (H) and I like them just fine, I don't have the same level of comfort with them that I do w/ my own family or even my inlaws. Even with this tie we have, I feel I don't know them that well, so I'm not going to consider leaving H w/ them.
Believe me, I totally get that my attitude's not completely rational---he would be fine, they would never hurt him or "take" him from us, but I can't help it, I don't feel comfortable about it. So I wonder, if your adult child grew up away from you in a closed adoption, if they have some of those same feelings of not really knowing you in the way that they know their adoptive parents and thus not feeling the same level of comfort in putting you in the grandmother role?
But to be honest, I think I would be "overwhelmed" a bit we had visits with all of them (there are tons of aunts/uncles, etc.). My MIL and mom "fight" over my DD as it is, I can't imagine adding more people to the mix. I know this is "selfish" on my part -- it really has nothing to do with DD. And I actually hope someday she wants to and is able to meet her extended birth family.
when I told my parents about meeting my bmom I think they were more worried about losing their grandson then me. I know they would be incredibly hurt to know that he thinks of my bmom as another Grandma.
I appreciate that bmoms are sensitive to aparents, but in the end it's the adoptee and their children that need to build the relationship however they want to. I choose to have 2 moms and another Grandma for my son.
The part I hate is that my bfamily is the one who will always have to miss out if there are family events, since my family wants nothing to do with them I have to carefully plan and choose who will attend what. It's not how I want to live or what I want for my son, but right now there is nothing I can do about it. I try to include everyone in everything, just have to be creative about how I do it.
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I think there is hope---but it just may not look like the picture in your head. I posted on Living in An Open Adoption about a good day we had w/ H's bmom and her family. H flew a kite w/ his bgrandfather. I think there's always hope that the relationships can develop in a healthy way---as a parent, I want H to look at the world with optimism and I want him to have a wide circle of people who love him. So unless I perceive some real threat or danger to him, I'm going to encourage those relationships---I just might not encourage them all in the same way. Maybe just give it time and be open to the relationship looking different than you thought it might.
Before I met my birthparents for the first time, we discussed what my kids were going to call them. We ended up letting the kids chose and they picked grandma/grandpa first name. This was bioparents first choice as well. So far, my kids seem to think having a 3rd set of grandparents is great, but is no big deal. So far things are working out well, except I sense some hesitation on the part of my birthparents to actively fill the role of grandparents. Even though we've discussed it, I get the sense that my birthmother doesn't think she has a right to be considered a full grandparent. Personally, I would rather things be black and white for the kids (either they are or they are not grandparents) since there are enough gray areas in reunion already.
However, the grandchildren issue is probably the hardest part for my adoptive parents. They said that their biggest fear was that my kids would like my bio parents better. I've had 37 years to build a solid relationship with my adoptive parents and they're feeling more secure about that now (one year into reunion), but that's not the case with the grandchildren.
My kids have always known that I was adopted, but when bioparents contacted me, I decided to tell the kids the entire story about how young they were and how they weren't ready to be parents in high school, and I encouraged them to ask me questions if they didn't understand or if they wanted to know more. They didn't ask any questions about my bioparents, and I don't think the story had much of an effect on the way they view my bioparents either. The kids questions mostly centered on themselves. My daughter who's about 10 had the most questions, but what she really wanted to know is if you could give a baby up could you also give up a 10 year old girl (meaning her).
And how do adoptive parents feel about the birthparent moving into the life of the grandbabies..
Adoptee - reunited on both sides. My kids are in their 20's and have accepted both bgrandparents - although they do not call them grandma or grandpa. They have no issue that they may leave them because my adoption was always described as a gift to my aparents, never that bmom didn't want me - just that she was too young to raise me. My aparents are both gone but my kids still feel great loyalty to them and the relationship with bparents is very new. The hardest thing for them is explaining who these "NEW" grandparents are.
I expect that as time goes on, the relationship between the kids and their bgrandparents will continue to grow. No one can have too many grandparents - people who love you and spoil you. My bmom never had any other children so grandchildren are truly a gift that she never expected - so she is enjoying this tremendously.
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HBV
'As a parent' being the key words here.. and this is what I am going to run with..
Who would know better than the one totally in the middle of this..
Prosser
This is where I am at.. And this is what I am exploring in myself..
I hurt so bad that I missed my sons growing up this when we were first into reunion when I first looked him in the eyes....
Heck I got angry.. who I was angry with I still cant pin down..
I maybe will never have grandbabies that are really mine.. My bson and family live a long way away from me and money is an issue on terms of traveling.. but.. I do not think my second and third born will have kids.. I know my daughter worries about this..
So I fold when I know (think?) I can not do grandparent with my bsons kids..
I have messed up totally on this.. That first year I sent the first born grandson a gift and then did not send anything for the other kids.. I was totally lost and emotional and could not walk into a toy store in order to shop for them.. I would just start bawling..
That first year because I did not treat the kids equal my bson wrote me a terse letter about how the second born was playing with the toy I had sent to the first born..
After that I gave up sending gifts for a bit.. now that I am more level I make sure they all get equal.. but then there are problems as a giant internet book seller missed sending a gift and one did not get a gift and I called and said but I know nothing was sorted or resolved..
And I want to hide.. and not do..
This is what I wanted to acknowledge.. I understand their fear.. and its not fair if the birthgrandparents come in with all the lights shining and make the kids happy happy happy..
Pour their love into the grandkids when the love for the relinquished son or daughter is soooo full of problems and inability to show.. how one really feels..
Yes.. yes.. this is it..
Thank you for posting.. welcome to the forums.. glad you are here.. and all that good stuff..
Jackie
as a parent, I want H to look at the world with optimism and I want him to have a wide circle of people who love him. So unless I perceive some real threat or danger to him, I'm going to encourage those relationships---I just might not encourage them all in the same way.
So far things are working out well, except I sense some hesitation on the part of my birthparents to actively fill the role of grandparents. Even though we've discussed it, I get the sense that my birthmother doesn't think she has a right to be considered a full grandparent.
Personally, I would rather things be black and white for the kids (either they are or they are not grandparents) since there are enough gray areas in reunion already.
However, the grandchildren issue is probably the hardest part for my adoptive parents. They said that their biggest fear was that my kids would like my bio parents better. I've had 37 years to build a solid relationship with my adoptive parents and they're feeling more secure about that now (one year into reunion), but that's not the case with the grandchildren.
My kids have always known that I was adopted, but when bioparents contacted me, I decided to tell the kids the entire story about how young they were and how they weren't ready to be parents in high school, and I encouraged them to ask me questions if they didn't understand or if they wanted to know more. They didn't ask any questions about my bioparents, and I don't think the story had much of an effect on the way they view my bioparents either. The kids questions mostly centered on themselves. My daughter who's about 10 had the most questions, but what she really wanted to know is if you could give a baby up could you also give up a 10 year old girl (meaning her).
julie23
Yes.. what I go through as a result of the closed era is beyond wrong.. But then if there was a divorce in the family.. similar may occur..
I agree the grandparent of the relinquished son or daugther has the same issue (some as always) of the birthparent becoming the birthgrandparent in a later reunion..hmmmmmm
This being the woman and man that feels that he or she can not claimђ the baby.. Be part of the babies life.. or not..
I do love my three grandbabies.. they are my redemption.. and that is wrong thinking I know..
This is what has really been gotten across to me.. its the parents choice.. they know best..
This business of the adoptee never ever being given a choice on being relinquished or not.. taken to the contact of the birthgrandparents and not being in control (yes I know we have no real control) again....
I think that is what I hope is going to be the core of this thread..
The parents of the child get to decide.. and the grown up adoptee is in total control.. (or what is percieved as control)
My bson is busy working.. and doing his life.. and I have no contact with his wife..
My daughter cried the first time she saw the pictures.. she worries that she may not have babies because she is career building and has not found the perfect mate..
Its not a fault.. because if it was a fault I would have the same fault..
This human condition is amazing.. just amazing.. what we sort..
And to say.. we do no harm is not going to be happening.. you have been hurt.. hurt bad.. and you go on.. and continue to sort the adoption relinquishment thing..
Open adoption has got to be the way to go as you say.. open and no lies..
I know that some here have the issue of an open adoption and knowing wrong is happening.. and can not do a thing because the law says.. they abandoned in the first place..
This I can not fathom or sort..
Jackie
i was very blessed to spend some time with our new daughters birthgrandmother.... she was determined to support her daughter in her choice... yet, i could see her sadness at losing the baby. she asked me if i would send pictures every once in a while...
i think open adoption will help with sorting the relationships...
i like to think that for our daughter, there will be no "birthparent moving into the life the grandbabies"... because they will already be there in whatever capacity my daughter chooses them to have...
that is my bottom line... it is her choice. not mine. not her birthmothers. but i think always knowing your birthmother will make it different...
relationships.... that is what it is about... i think the relationship between birthmother and the adult birthchild probably defines the relationship to the grandchildren....
i do not have a relationship with my birthdaughter. i do not forsee any relationship with the birthgrandchildren.
i do not really see myself "claiming" those children as "my grandbabies"... i think my oldest raised daughter would feel usurped... betrayed... and that matters to me.
it is important to her that her children are my "first" grandchildren... and they will be... because they will the grandchildren i will have relationships with....
i struggle with defining things... it's a fault of mine. the way i think makes me want to sort... to define... to make sense of something. it is hard for me to make sense of a grandchild that i do not know, whose mother hates me... who I simply share DNA with... versus a "real" grandchild... one who i have held, and treasured.. and whispered to ... and played with... one who I have taken to see the Nutcracker... and taking Trick or treating... one who knows me and loves me... since my fourth daughter was adopted, this "real" grandchild will not share my DNA... yet, will be more real to me, than the strangers who do...
I do love my three grandbabies.. they are my redemption.. and that is wrong thinking I know..
My bson is busy working.. and doing his life.. and I have no contact with his wife..
My daughter cried the first time she saw the pictures.. she worries that she may not have babies because she is career building and has not found the perfect mate..
I know that some here have the issue of an open adoption and knowing wrong is happening.. and can not do a thing because the law says.. they abandoned in the first place..
This I can not fathom or sort..
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julie23
I am where I am supposed to be today (thanks for the reminder).. And I can let it go.. all of it..
I could not have someone tearing me apart.. telling me what is wrong with me and how I should or should not act.
Its my Achilles heel.. My place of being lost.. what I can not handle..
Its why I do not reply to posts about this other than say.. I am so sorry..
There are so many fantasies in this.. so many pretend places where the reality is very far from what we want..
Jackie
can we redeem ourselves through the grandchildren? i don't know... if that is our hearts desire, maybe. i do not have that desire... i do not need redemption anymore. that was an inside job.... probably not fully complete... but at least enough for me to have some peace.
but as you would say, you're thinking is not wrong... it is just where you are today.
but there is still a relationship. maybe not a close one... maybe not the one it can be someday...
but the door is open. the door to your son and his family is open....
that is different than having the door slammed in your face.
in the end, this is the hardest thing about adoption for me... the barrier ... the red light... While I do believe adoption is a good and loving option, i would still have a hard time advising a woman to make an adoption plan... because there are not any guarantee's... open adoption may just force you to watch the bad stuff happening... that i could not have handled.... i may have killed myself if i had known what my daughter suffered in her adoptive home... known the wrong that they were doing, and not be able to stop it... being powerless...