Birthparent Suicide

Today would have been your 33rd birthday. Why oh why did you have to leave before I found you??? I will never forget.....I was in labor exactly at this moment 33 years ago. I arrived at the hospital at 7:29 p.m. and you were born at 9:23. Such a short labor! I will always love you though I never saw your face never will I forget. And I thank you for leaving me a granddaughter. Your mother, Kim:wings:

Born at william booth home for unwed mothers in detroit michigan on 11-18-1972...such a beautiful baby...a piece of my heart still lays on that nursery floor...i just want to know he is ok.......... lonlee76@hotmail.com :(

Yes, my mother committed suicide a little more than a year after I was born, and given up for adoption. My birthgrandmother says it was an accident- that she had been scared because they were away, and took her father's service revolver to bed with her, and it accidentally went off, but my cousins all think differently. My birthfather hasn't yet shared the details of her death,he knows I am aware, for the most part- because right now we are trying to focus on us, and being reunited. We will get into the heavy stuff as time goes on, when he feels comfortable going there. He says I have the right to know, and he will tell me. He's felt a lot of pain, giving me up, and then losing the love of his life. I know he blames himself. I was devestated when I found this out, how can this be? I am mother-less two times over, having lost my adopted mother when I was 15, and now knowing I've lost my birth mother. It's a tough pill for me to swallow, and I've taken a few tough ones. I've really yet to deal with the emotions of this, I know it will come. I'm my father's daughter- and I tend to keep things inside until they just overflow. I'm thankful my birthfather is alive and well.

Majicka, my heart goes out to you on the loss of your mothers. I am glad you are in touch with your first-father and building a relationship.

Thank you. Having a father in my life again is wonderful, and it really does help take the sting from my wounds.

Yes. Well, it's complicated. I got my records when I was 19. Then I found my half sister and found out that my birthmom was deceased. I asked my half sister how, in the most sensitive way I could think of, she said 'asphyxiation'. However, since my birthmom was still young, and also a schizophrenic, I assumed that it was suicide. Also my bio grandparents outlived their 6 kids, and at least one other was suicide, with two that seem suspicious (medication od, fire and car accident). I gave up asking my half sister questions because she seems really traumatized. My father is completely unknown and although my grandparents outlived their 6 kids, they are also gone. It's hard to know how to approach it now, although at one point my half sister gave me pictures and whatnot. She also put me in touch with second or third cousins but I was so overwhelmed at the time that I did not keep contact and now have lost their info. There's so much tragedy it's hard to know what to do with it. Also I found a publication with a short description from my biomom which said that she wrote a 22 page letter they wouldn't let her include in the records... I really wish I had that letter. I let things cool for a long time, but now I want more info. It's just such a trainwreck, I see why I was given up, though I've had a bit of a trainwreck life in my adopted family, too. Anyway, basically, I think that I can relate.

Yes. Well, it's complicated. I got my records when I was 19. Then I found my half sister and found out that my birthmom was deceased. I asked my half sister how, in the most sensitive way I could think of, she said 'asphyxiation'. However, since my birthmom was still young, and also a schizophrenic, I assumed that it was suicide. Also my bio grandparents outlived their 6 kids, and at least one other was suicide, with two that seem suspicious (medication od, fire and car accident). I gave up asking my half sister questions because she seems really traumatized. My father is completely unknown and although my grandparents outlived their 6 kids, they are also gone. It's hard to know how to approach it now, although at one point my half sister gave me pictures and whatnot. She also put me in touch with second or third cousins but I was so overwhelmed at the time that I did not keep contact and now have lost their info. There's so much tragedy it's hard to know what to do with it. Also I found a publication with a short description from my biomom which said that she wrote a 22 page letter they wouldn't let her include in the records... I really wish I had that letter. I let things cool for a long time, but now I want more info. It's just such a trainwreck, I see why I was given up, though I've had a bit of a trainwreck life in my adopted family, too. Anyway, basically, I think that I can relate.

Hi Soma, So sorry to hear of the tragedies on your first mother's side of the family. With respect to your first father, have you considered using DNA testing to try to find him? Some have had success that way.

My mother had a one night stand in LA when she was off her meds for schizophrenia. One record says my father was a transient Mexican, another says Caucasion, no other information available. Therefore finding him would be impossible and I don't really feel the need to find him. Is first mother another way of saying bio or birthmom? Why? I'm not sure I like the term, the two are completely different, in my opinion, not just that one came first and the other came second. Dunno.

I'm with you, Soma. I'm new to the forum and I'm not crazy about the "first mom" term. I guess I can understand that sentiment if you are the birth mother, but as an adoptee, my MOM is the woman who raised me - the one who wiped my nose, kissed my boo-boos, was there at my wedding. I know that not everyone has had the same experiences as I, but for myself, I will never refer to my biological parents as my "first" parents.

We use it as a term of respect on the forums. Chances are your first mom did many of the same type of things while you were growing inside of her. My Daughters First Mom, ate right, took care of her body and her child that she was carrying. She picked us to be her parents but it caused her a great amount of pain. She did all of this for our daughter. So yep I think she deserves to be referred to as "first mom" on the forum. She may not have did the late night feedings, kissing boo boo's (all of which my DD's first mom has done) but she's a lot more than genetics. But you get to call your parents (first or second) whatever you'd like. Just wanted to clarify why you would see the term "First Mom/Dad" and what it means to some of us. No PC police here just a term of respect for our kiddo's other parents.

I can understand why some people don't like first mom or dad or whatever. I don't use any clarifiers usually. I have a mother and a father and a mom and a dad and I have since I was about 13. People know who I'm talking about and it works for me. It is up to each of us to choose what we wish to use to refer to our parents. I'm liking wrking and certainly wouldn't criticize anyone, but expect the same in return.

My take on the situation is that yes my mom was there for all those things. However, I'm pretty sure that the reason I was relinquished was not because my bmom didn't want to do those things - I'm pretty sure she didn't say "Phew, thank God I don't have to be there to wipe that child's nose, "kiss her boo-boos" (btw I'd never heard that phrase until I joined adoption forums lol) or be at her wedding." The funny thing is that I don't have children but even I look at those things and think "those are some of things I do miss about not being a mom". Sometimes it isn't always about OUR experiences (mine was fine, thank you), sometimes it can about trying to see things from other perspectives - i.e. that NOT being there for the many things in their child's life may, for many bparents, be the hardest thing in the world.

One adopted relative's father drowned a year after he (my relative was born) and I get the impression that it might have been because of the adoption. Also, another relative's mother turned to drugs afterwards (she had tried to get her child back) and died of an overdose. A friend's mother died from kidney failure due to over-reliance on a headache pill. I realise the last two aren't suicides as such but is possible that there is an indirect connection. These were adoptions during the closed era. In regards to open adoption, I read blogs (although not regularly) by all sorts of bmothers, including the "positive" ones. There is one (not overly well known) "positive bmother" blog I've been following (although she hasn't posted for a while) which she has treated like her journal and it is very insightful about the mixed feelings many bmothers might have and the paradoxes they face. There is one post that I just can't read it without feeling sad (she questions why she wasn't good enough for her own child). I don't want to link it but the point of me talking about is that by reading this particular blog, I got an insight into the paradoxes that even "positive" bmothers in open adoptions might face.

I’m 18 years old. I was adopted as a baby and have always known I was adopted. I was 10 when I found out my birth mum had died. I always thought I would meet her one day. It crushed my hopes really as I always wanted to meet her. I didn’t know how she died untill close to my 18th birthday when I found out she killed herself. She had paranoid schizophrenia and had suffered for many years which I found out from my birth family who I am in minor contact over social media. I’m still getting my read round it and feel as though I can’t talk to my mum and dad about it as it upsets my mum and I don’t really know how to bring it up really. My dad takes me every yearTo her grave on the date she passed. I always think about her but feel bad as when she died I non stopped grieved at just 10 years old and I was even told by my adoptive mum that I ‘did not cry this much when my gran died’ (my adoptive mums mum) anybody else been through a similar situation. I know it is what you can not change but it still hurts.