She is in stopped time..

J: I can say I was/am lost in time. Not consciously, but certainly on a sub-conscious level. After 26 years, of knowing nothing, I now have a ton of information, a snapshot if you will, of my son's life. I know all sorts of grown up things about him and his life. I wasn't prepared for the leap from 3 days old to 26 years, thought I was, but I wasnt... Yes of course I knew he had changed... but somehow, my heart still wanted to (or thought I would) see the child. Thankfully I realize this (or getting there anyway ;)) because I donҒt want to sabotage my own reunion with false expectations. That said, there is definitely a part of me that wants pictures and stories from each year of his life. I want those things for many reasons but one of them is to help my heart "grow up" and start processing the logical progression of his life... There may always be a part of me that is stuck in time because I don't have memories of his life. But by seeing pics and processing stories, I hope that I can make that part of me smaller.

I can relate to the "lost in time" syndrome. I start sentences and forget what I am talking about in mid-sentence. I have to just say "Nevermind!" and move on, cause that thought is GONE! I believe that the trauma I suffered and repressed as a birthmom set me down a path that left me reeling and stumbling incoherently through life. I feel like I'm a boxer who is punch drunk, but everyone on the sidelines is still yelling "Get up! Get going! There's nothing wrong with you! Get up!!!" So I get up and keep stumbling incoherently through life. I often wonder when it will all catch up with me. I feel like one day I'm just going to have to deal with all of this because it is no longer repressable. But, for now, I continue to stumble around in life and force myself to keep on getting up to go another round and wonder "how long will I have to do this?" All the while, I lead a pretty successful life with a wonderful family, job, active in the church and my community, YET I feel like I am a failure in every area of my life. When I look at the "good" I do and have, it seems like it's all a lie that everyone will see thru one day. I feel like I am just acting and one day everyone will find out I'm an imposter. It feels like my whole world is just a house of cards that appears to be stable on the outside but can blow over and collapse if the slightest wind comes along. I'm absolutely terrified of the wind.Also, there's some part of me who will always be the terrified 14-year-old I was when I surrendered. I dream of the day I will see "my baby" again, but he will be a grown man if I ever meet him on this side of eternity. Since I haven't had reunion, I don't know what will happen if I do meet him. Will I make unreasonable requests of him based on what "should" have been? Or based on the baby vs. the man? Probably will. It's hard to get all this straight in your mind, you know? I won't mean to, but there is part of me deep down inside that wanted things to go so differently. Trauma causes you to see a skewed version of reality or deal with it in ways that are less painful. It's just too much pain to accept the fact that your very flesh and blood is gone from your life and you have no way to recapture what is lost. On top of that, I am scorned for having surrendered by everyone in the triad. My son doesn't need or want me in his life - at least thats what the state of TN told me - and his parents say I "invaded their privacy" when I requested contact. For crying out loud, what's wrong with ME? Why am I scorned and shut out forever? I know there are some who say that was MY choice and that's what I get and I signed the papers saying I had no further rights so I got what I wanted, right? Well, I don't want it anymore! (See that's the 14 year old coming out in me!) I guess it's too late to change anything now, I just have to lie in the bed I made.

I too want to here stories and see pictures of my bson's entire life. I never knew why I had this need / desire until I read Oceans post. I need to pass through all his years of life so I can grow up too!

Oceans I think AM Holms treated her birthmom kind of harshly in the book.. she was portrayed as a tragic figure IMO.. Holms was at a book signing and the birthmom showed up and Holms seemed angry (I guess justly so).. And the book she was signing (she is a recognized author) was about adoption (fiction) and the relationship between a birthmom therapist and birthdaughter who did not know that her therapist was a birthmom (this from memory).. I have the book but have not read it yet.. But what you write about wanting to see the child.. applies.. I think this was one of my biggest hurt in reunion.. this not seeing the child.. When we first reunited my bson sent me a picture of himself and his older brother going fishing.. four or five years old.. I kept that picture in my wallet for a very long time.. This strong looking little boy looking up at the camera.. I am reminded of the line in the Stones song.. You canҒt always get what you want.. but youll find sometimes you get what you need.. I know it was the expectations that tripped me up.. and took me out.. So many things to process.. Lost time.. When I went into his home there were no pictures of his aparents.. All that is a blank to me.. He has decided what part of his life he wants me to see.. and process.. And it is his choice.. and I honor that.. but that was one of my places of difficult.. Jackie

Lalgee I do not remember things from that time.. I wonder how the mind really works on this kind of thing.. I try so hard to remember and it is gone.. but I am sure the trauma at that time was the lesson on how to blank the mind.. stop the thinking when the thinking is way too hard.. Well said.. And this is what I want to get across to the ones that do not understand why.. the woman that gave birth to he or she can not deal with it when contacted in reunion.. its like here is another round of it so get up and start working.. and you are supposed to start feeling.. the feelings.. Ha.. Turn around and face it.. turn around and show us how much you hurt.. I can not do that.. much better to act like a space cadet and mutter the correct words.. and never let them see you sweat.. I apologized to my husband yesterday for me.. I told him I was sorry he picked me.. There are times when I am distant from him.. heck a lot of the time.. There is a line in The Artist Way Julia Cameron.. that blows me away every time I think of it.. She tried to be nice.. she tried to be good.. but what she really wanted was to be left alone.. I do not have it right but it is close that quote.. This is what I have been trying to sort all my life.. or since I had my bson and went through the giving him up.. When I had my daughter ten years after that.. I told the doctors that I wanted my husband out of the labor room.. I had to close down and take care of me.. I could not take care of him as well as me.. and I needed all my strength to deliver her.. And I could not expect him to help me.. I can not rely on anyone.. And I think of the line.. in TS Elliots Prufrock or Quartet.. Till human voices wake us and we drown.. I walked up to their home.. hubby beside me.. and he was holding his daughter.. I was strong.. I was able to just walk in the door and be polite.. and smile..I knew how to do it.. Lots and lots of practice.. There was one point when I was in his office and was holding the second born.. and we talked about his car.. and how I had guessed what kind of car he would own.. and I was correct.. You can get through it.. ItҒs a process.. this is what I have learned.. You get to take your time.. I stayed out of the negative thinking.. I stopped myself when I started beating myself up for what I had done wrong or said wrong.. And I learned how to help myself when there were no emails or the communication had not gone down for a period of time.. There is a healing.. and an acceptance.. Reaching that part in me was part of my healing.. part of my forgiveness.. forgiving myself.. When I sorted that I was able to get right with it.. My child in me my inner child was very angry that I had let him go.. done what I had done.. I think it was about being terrified that things will fall away again.. and I could not/can not hold it back.. But I told me (in that meditation) that I was strong now.. I was able to cope with all of them.. and or it.. I would protect me in the future.. And this is the act of loving yourself.. That line that says you can not love others unless you love yourself.. was very confusing to me.. I did not love myself.. do not most of the time.. Thats the answer.. I had a hard time reading the book that started this thread.. The Mistresses Daughter.. AM Holms birthmom was seen as a tragic character that made very wrong choices in her life.. And yes it was written by and adoptee that had a kind of grudge.. but.. I do not think a lot of people actually understand what you are saying here.. I think fear is part of this.. fear of the unknown.. I know nothing of his aparents or his early life.. I know bits and pieces like a travelogue.. but nothing deep and hard.. And I accept.. Accepting is our sanity.. I think.. ItҒs the way things are.. its our lessons.. its how to deal with this and actually get right emotionally.. We can not go back and change it.. that is the fact in all of this.. Its done.. and that is the bedrock. Wanting the past is confusing and impossible.. Right now.. today.. Is all we have ...this is what I think when I get lost in the thinking.. ..and its okay to feel the pain and its okay to grieve because it will pass and tomorrow will be better.. And maybe there will be a happy ending.. Jackie

kathy79 Yes.. Jackie

Jackie, I think never being able to know my son as a child...all that lost time...is the hardest part for me in reunion. I know I've written before about how I found myself grieving for my "little boy" after I had reunited with my grown-up son. It's still a bitter-sweet feeling that I wrestle with. I have a photo album of his childhood pictures, spanning his first eighteen years. I often go for months without looking at it...it's just too painful sometimes. I want to reach through those photographs and touch the child I lost to adoption. Some nights, I dream of my son as a baby, a toddler, a young boy. In my dreams, I'm always looking for him ~ he's lost and I can't find him. I have a hard time sleeping some nights.

RavenSong And we have a right to this place of being lost.. It’s a real thing.. Its important to acknowledge.. isn’t it.. If we can name it we can claim it then we can sort it.. I said dump it once and someone said.. noooo don’t say dump it.. And heck this is something we never will dump.. I dream a lot now.. My blood pressure pills cause me to remember my dreams.. I know its our anxious self coming out.. and wanting to be acknowledged.. But the dreams of the child being lost must be awful.. My dreams are of someone coming at me.. and I yell out.. I think I have blocked the dreams of him being lost… Jackie

You know I had never dreamed about my son before now... At least that I can remember. Since I "found" him I have had the lost baby dream a couple of time (not one of my favs - let me tell you). Last night I dreamed I had email from him that I couldn't open and a bag of papers and other unknown items that I had sent to him was returned to me, by him. When I opened the bag, I knew some of the stuff was gone but I couldn't figure out what stuff was gone... The genealogy was still there... Not liking the dreams so much lol...