ANGRY MOTHER Rant

You can give him yourself. You are his gift. It is enough. Share with him the good and the bad--happy times and sad times. Tell him about the times you thought of him and needed him. Even if it is hidden deeply--he thought of you and needed you too. Let him know that you could not be there then. It is just the way it was--but you are here now.

You can just be there. That is all we want. I don't even want medical information or anything else. I'd kill for one hug and that would be fine. Your son is blessed to have you in his life!

I agree belleinblue and Scatterbrain - "You can just be there" and share yourself. Mockingbird. For you, him being there and part of your life is enough for you, and that's what he needs too. Believe it!!! Ann

I have been reading The New Earth. While this may sound simplistic (I believe we carry much with us from the past) it also rings true. We only have the present, not the future or the past. I did learn first hand how fleeting life can be when I nearly died a few months ago. So I guess living each moment does make sense. You can provide YOURSELF in his life. Though we adoptees may have had another mom (our adoptive mom) in our life there is always room for another person to love. You are unique and may have many similarities with your son. Is there something you both like to do? I truly wish that my bmom had been alive when I found out who she was. I would have cherished every moment spent with her. Snuffie

As an adoptee, I am so happy to see that you truly appreciate the opportunity to have a relationship with your biological son. If my biological mother asked me these questions [granted, I am not in reunion and have the painful realization that I probably never will be] here is what I would tell her: Who am I to you? Where do I fit into your life? You're my biological mother. No, you did not "mother" me, and I have only one amazing & wonderful mom [my adoptive mother] but I am open to getting to know you. To me, you are an important person in my life. I am unable to define our relationship and I am not able to say what I want it to be like or to what level I'd like to take things, but I think that, if we are patient with one another, I think that things will progress and work themselves out so that we are both comfortable with where things are going. What can I provide that you don't already have? For me, answers related to my medical information and the circumstances surrounding my adoption are what I have craved most. I also wanted to physically SEE you [and perhaps biological half-siblings, if applicable] because I have grown up not knowing what you looked like, if we shared similar facial features, etc. I have a family and amazing parents; I have a wonderful extended family. Ideally, I'd like to count you among my very close friends and be able to share certain parts of my life with you. Here's my advice, Mockingbird: take cues from your biological son. Perhaps this is selfish, but I think that he should be in control of the pace of your relationship and how it progresses. If you continue to be forthcoming with him in answering his questions I think he will really respect you. Just knowing that you're available and patient probably makes him feel good. I must admit - I am a little jealous! You seem like a wonderful woman with great intentions.

((((Mockingbird))))) I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I have a lot of that anger too. My parents picked the name for my son, I was never happy about it. They picked a name that could be either for a girl or a boy since I wasn't supposed to know... I had a lot of anger against his father, so much so that I got rid of everything that reminded me of him and unfortunately have suppressed his last name. Now I wish I had all that because my son wants to know! One thing that my son has expressed interest in is not only knowing me and having me in his life, but knowing about his heritage. Where his ancestors came from and so on. He has my mother's thumbs (which are sort of odd) and had always wondered about that. I don't know exactly where I fit into my son's life either. We've been in reunion now for over a year, had one face to face. He talks about coming to visit me and I hope that when he does it will be a chance to solidify our relationship (we live thousands of miles apart). You are not alone in what you feel, small comfort maybe? It feels better for me right now. I do get hit with waves of anger at different people, at different times still BUT life goes on and so do I. I hope one day to feel more secure in my place in my son's life, but I'll just patiently wait. Take care of yourself! Use these forums and the wise ladies who frequent them to help you through this! I have. :grouphug:

While I can understand there will always be anger that surrounds adoption, I (personally) at reunion chose to work in the present and try not to get bogged down in situations that were likely to cast a negative impact on me or this new relationship we were trying to form. A girlfriend sent me the story The Velveteen Rabbit ...and I'm passing it on. I saw so much of myself in this childrens story, and my son's missing pieces. I love the story and hope it helps someone else. Here's a link ....... [url=http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/williams/rabbit/rabbit.html]The Velveteen Rabbit[/url] Ann

I'm not yet in reunion and don't know, either, where I will fit in my son's life, but I hope there will be a place for me. Sometimes I get overcome with not knowing who/what I am to him, and the fact that there is absolutely no social template for the adult adoptee/birthmother relationship. And then, at other times, I think it is absolutely awesome that we get to create this relationship and it is so totally unique and unconventional. My son and I have a ton of things in common (talents, interests, etc.). This I know from the letters his family has sent over the years. I'm hoping those commonalities will bring us together, and foster the relationship when/if we ever do meet. Perhaps this is something you can give to your child, too. A connection with things that he may not have with his a-family. You also have wisdom that can be passed along to him, love, an ongoing biological connection, insight, intelligence, a spiritual bond, so many things. Don't sell yourself short. I think as time goes on and you feel more secure, you will be more certain about your place in his life. And the anger, while certainly justified, might be overwhelming you to the point where you are not able to clear a space to see what you can truly offer your son at this time. But it's good that you are acknowledging it and working through it.

((( Mockingbird))) ... I hear you. In addition to just "Baby X" my son's OBC did not give his father's name, even though I provided it to them. I felt humiliated when I got the OBC, but I still gave it to my son. I, too, was engaged and had a ring; we had just graduated from high school. But, I think he was thinking like an 18 y/o boy and was still under the influence of his parents (esp. his mom). It hurt when he backed out of our engagement, but not nearly as much as surrendering my son.Upon reunion with my now 37 y/o son, I experienced many emotions and felt tormented by all of the questions in my head. I was angry, and threw my anger in a lot of directions. But, when it all shakes out, I think I'm going to be directing my pain toward the reality of the society that I lived in at that time -- in 1971. We were all "operating under the influence of society" and since we are all a part of society, we all... each and every one of us... is complicit in some way, shape or form of what happened to so many of us.Reunion is a maze... sometimes it takes awhile to find the center... just don't give up.((( Quantum))) ... I didn't know your parents picked out the name. That must have been so hard for you.... Peace,Susan

Great post Susan I too believe we were "complicit" - maybe only in our ignorance or naive state of mind but we failed to protect ourselves and in many ways were the authors of our own misfortune. I like this analogy - it is so true. Ann