Adoptive Mom- Need adoptee's advice

Hi. I'm 42. At eight I ws told I was adopted and my bio mom died while giving birth to me. I was never allowed to ask pertinent origin questions; otherwise, it was met with hostility, insecurity and anger, which caused great fear and insecurity to me. At 16, during a heated argument, my adoptive mom told me that my bio mom didn't die at birth and that I had a sibling out there, which caused even greater damage to me and feelings of betrayal of trust. I still wsa not permitted to ask pertinent questions. AT 23 yrs old, I found out thr some friends I worked with that I was a ward of the county and that's who acted as my adoption agency, and also non-identifying information after writing away for it. two years later, estranged from my adoptive parents, I began the search, with some help from my foster mother who still had my hospital ID baby braclet w/my mom's name on it (26 years later). Found her in 6 months - positive reunion. Met entire family, siblings, cousins, etc. That was in 1992. There were gaps in her story and because I am a "truth freak," I did some research on my own and was granted by a probate court judge to review my adoption and ward of county files, being that my original birth certificate was signed by my bio mom then. They wouldn't let me copy the files but just ask questions and they'd pull papers pertinent to questions asked. Weird liability issues. In 2004, I was connected to social services who mailed me a 1/2" thick package of all the notes of social workers assigned to my case, from birth to foster care, which brought a lot of answers to simple questions I had, as well as truth that my mothers had not been so truthful about. It brought closure and peace to me, because I know that God alone did that for me. My suggestion to you is PRAY, take one day at a time, enjoy your baby, and put this on the back burner for now. Be honest and open but only answer questions that are asked and nothing more. You always want to protect your child from hurtful things, but as an adult, they can handle it. Always check your motives and intents. Let your child always know how special he/she is and chosen to be loved. Bless them, pray for them, and entrust them into the Father's care, as they're ours only for a short amount of time to guide and teach them about Him and His purpose for them. Take care!

Beth, Hello. I myself is adopted. My parents have been open about me being adopted. They have also been open about letting me now my story. My start in life was not a good one. My bmom did not take of me and it is not know what happen to my bdad. I do have a bbrother and bsister. It is not know what happen to them. It not even know if we are by the same father. Im glad that I do know part of my story. It would be harder on me if adoptive didnt tell me what knew. When your child is confortable enough to ask you questions about where he came from, i would let him know what he wants to know. And let him know that he can come talk to you at any time that he has questions. Also be supportive if he ever decide to search for his birth family. You and your husband will always be his parents.

I'm certainly glad your 99% sure of who the birthparents are,that could come in handy for your child. Answer all question your child may ask of you, tell them the truth as you know it, even the bad if it is presented in a way that your child can understand it then it wont be so bad. Above all else, make sure they know your love for them, when the time come for a search. People change, people grow up and get older and become more responsible adults. Hopefully that'll happen with your situation, above all else prepair your child for the eventualness of a bad reunion because it can happen. Best of luck to you. Bprice215

Beth, I am an adoptee and also and adoption worker. I recently came a cross a great resource that could really help you. It helped me as an adoptee reading it, I found it very accurate and straightforward. I recommend reading "20 things adoptive children, wish their adoptive parents knew" (or it might be 25 things?) anyways it'll come up if you google it. I also recommend this book to any adoptee's reading this.

You have been given excellent advice from all different perspectives. I only want to say 'thank you' for being a great mom to your son. You will find the right way because you have love in your heart. Truly that is all you need to know what is the right thing to do. You sound so much like my mom and dad and you could not find greater parents or people in this world than they are (yes, my adoptive parents). They have always been my champions even when they did not like what I did, they never faltered in their quest to do everything possible to make our lives rewarding and full of love. Kind regards,Dickons

Beth, The best thing you can do is be honest from the start. My bmom is a drug addict and my bdad is an alcoholic. It is hurtful, especially since I have siblings that they still have. My parents were always honest with me. I remember when I was little my mom and I would pray for my bmom and brother before bed. I know that I would have been very angry to learn that they with help info from me. I am very glad that they shared everything with me. I do believe that you should keep the identity of the bparents to yourself until your son is 18 though. that way you can maybe put it all together for him and tell him that you have it if he wants it. He may not want to know. My little sister was adopted also and she could care less if she ever finds out who her bparents are. Because of my situation, I do not like closed adoption. I missed so much in my siblings lives, both the older one and the younger on. I do know that closed adoption is sometimes the best thing for the child but its hard when we are older. It sounds like the bparents have issues that need to be worked out and in your case a closed adoption sounds good. I really do believe that being honest with your son is the best thing you can do for him. Be sure to remind him that you are his parents and that you love him no matter what. But also, don't make it sound like his bparents didn't love him. Good luck and keep us all posted, Erika

hey beth. im also an adoptee. ill be 21 in just under 3 weeks and finally be able to start seaching for my bmom. my parents were completely open with me about my adoption. for the most part. my mom wouldnt give me any paper work but ive always known. my birthmother was young and i know nothing of my birthfather. but i have to agree with the few that say honesty is the best policy. i believe that when my birthmother put me up for adoption she was doing the right thing regardless of the situation becuase she wasnt ready. she gave me a chance to have a wonderful family. a mom and a dad and i believe that they will always be my mom and dad because they rasied me and showed me love. but i also have a mom and dad some where else that i love very much that gave me life. one day i hope to know them because its tough to look in the mirror and not know what my bparents look like and to wonder if we have things in common. however i love the family i was given and wouldnt trade it for the world. good luck. <3

I agree with being honest. My amother was very protective of me and would get quite flustered when I asked questions about my adoption. Rather than being one of the people who I should have been open to regarding my feelings, she became one of the outsiders. It sure would have been nice to have had a friend to work with me. Even if your ason searches for them someday and is very disappointed and hurt by what he finds, he will remember that he had a close friend that didn't put up roadblocks. My amom, who was like a saint, is no longer with us. The one negative thing that she did was to always block my questions about my adoption.

hi, im 42 and was adopted when i was 3 months old, my parents have always told me the truth and im grateful to them for that, please dont keep secrects, they always get found out!

First Of All Honesty Is Always Best My Parents Told Me All They Knew About My Birth Mom.. You Dont Want Him To Grow Up And Then Find Out That You Were'nt Honest

I met my birth mother last year for the first time at age 43 two years after I met my birth father.The whole thing has been an extremly positive experience for both of us.More so since I'm her only child. I now feel complete and have gone on to trace my ancestory back to the 1500s:loveyou:

my opinion is this...tell him the basic of his adoption while he is young. Keep the names and situaions for when he is older. When he is older you can tell him that when he was a baby this is what you know of his bparents. Tell him that people do change and grow and that his bparents may have or may not have. It is his decsion based upon what you know to decide wheter he wants to persue finding his bparents..as an adult. I don't beleive that it is right for you to hold back the information whether its good or bad...if he is old enough to deal with it. I would not tell him the bad stuff as a child though as he could personaize it.

I agree with what dpen, has offered. Honesty and trust go hand in hand. Teach these values to your child, and he will do well when that time comes. I might also suggest, if you would put all you know in a journal for him, and in safe keeping. This way he will have this when the time comes, and GOD willing, you will be here to help him through the journey. Just remember none of us are perfect, the way we learn is at times from mistakes. His Firstparents will inevitably grow and hopefully become wiser...as do we all. You are a great Mom, just keep donig all that you are. Blessings..C.J.

Beth, Wow, I as an adoptee, do not have advice for you. I mean, if you do give info you hurt your son, if you don't tell you hurt your son. I guess if I were in your shoes I would answer any question my adopted child had. I would wait to give any painful info until he was old enough to process it in a mature way. Although, when you get to the point of trying to resolve issues of being an adoptee, I found I felt like a little girl again, scared, alone etc (part of the afamily dynamics). I think, keep your mind open. I don't think I would make a decision yes or no and then let that be it. You sound like an amom who wants open, honest communication with her son, I think you should focus on that. My aparents had pat anwers to all the questions and they never changed them. Kind of always leaves you wanting more info. Good luck!

Beth, Give him whatever info you may have. I just turned 50, am an adoptee and still searching. You sound like loving parents that have and continue to raise your son in a loving compassionate way. My folks did that and I have no regrets - but OMG - I want to know. Seriously, think about it - how many people have kids, keep them and mistreat them? The child is stuck with emotional baggage. But adoptees? We basically have no baggage. I can't speak for all but when an adoptee makes the decision to search, no matter how much they candy-coat it.....there is always the fear of rejection or bad news. As an adoptee - my suggestion is - give your son all the info and notes you have - when he is old enuf, he will be able to decide. Good luck